Temptation is a Bitch. I’d say don’t get it filled, but I’m no hypocrite so I won’t go there. Every bit of advice I can think of would be something I was given and ignored.
What I will say is that my experience has taught me that the monthly schedule of prescription refills is perfectly designed to keep us addicted. It takes me about 30 days of cold turkey to get to where I can see the other side and start to have hope. I’m a long way from being completely past the depression, but at 30 days I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The crappy part is that there will always be another refill day before I could get to that place of hope and it basically seems pointless to suffer. I have said it recently, “Just once” or “I deserve a break”, it all means you suffered through these weeks and you WILL be doing it again. Everyone can see how hard the first few days are but that is mainly physical wd’s. The PAWS is like childbirth: It doesn’t matter how much it sucked..... after a while you forget, or tell yourself it wasn’t so bad, then you fantasize about the good parts and decide it’s totally worth the pain.
If you get that script filled, you will most likely use it. If that happens you WILL find yourself back right here. You WILL go through everything all over again. You will hate yourself enough to get right back into using the pills every day and you will be a little older next time you withdrawl off the pills. I’m never going to preach and tell you to be strong but I will say that you should know that this is likely the future, and I think it might help you to face it before you go back down that road.
The best thing I ever did was to just find a way to pass time. Yard work, Netflix, etc. Time is a big problem in withdrawal. Even if I was hurting my day would go faster if I was busy, and fasterer is betterer. And believe it or not..... BlueLight sometimes made things worse just because it meant focusing on my problems for a few minutes instead of being busy doing anything else.
You have made more progress than you are giving yourself credit for. Somewhere in the loneliness and the depression there is a huge temptation to go back to the pills because they take it away. Just don’t go back unless you can be honest with yourself about the future.