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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

Squeaky

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At least now that I’m dosing myself only twice per day(or less) my bowels are moving. Not quite normally, but my previous record for not having a ‘movement’ was 14 days. Two weeks of being backed up wasn’t really a problem until the pills ran out and everything tried to start up again. Probably the closest any man will ever get to giving birth. (Imagine pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose). More than unpleasant!
 

Ghost fart

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Please people, do not laugh me out of this thread. I am serious for once.

6 days ahead. 30 grams of tobacco left. Normally i smoke about 10g a day. If i run out, i am fucked. Then i will be wandering the streets again, looking for cigarette butts. That increases my self loathing and shame, and i don't think that is a cool thing to do during a pandemic.

Crap. Craving for a cigarette right now. But i won't roll one. I will roll one when it is absolutely crucial, in order to keep the remnants of my mental "health".

Thanks.
 

hylite

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Mar 23, 2021
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I feel like I have brain damage. I wonder how that happened. I have a few theories. At least at least four. ☹😱
 

papercuts

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10 years ago I drank..... a lot. But that was all. No weed, tobacco, pills, etc. Pretty healthy diet.
Now I have so many vices it’s scary. Vaping, pills, weed.... I think I was better off being a drunk.

I have been using my Percocet in large quantities for the last few days. I’m only using them twice per day and that is going much better than when I was using the oxy 30’s all day long. Kratom in between. I’m not delusional. I know it’s not better to be hooked on Percocet than oxy 30’s. Probably worse because of the Tylenol. But my fear of the Tylenol is helping to keep me from going further. It is really nice to have some pain relief to look forward to though. It does suck however that I am back to planning my day around my pills. I’ll have run out in a few days, so I’ll see how much this is going to suck when there’s none left (again).

This feels like I’ll need to give them to my wife again starting next month. I was really hoping to police myself, and I still might be able to. But it’s looking less and less likely.

One of the things I had been hoping for was to be able to help other people by offering my pharmacy-at-home service (ex: my friend had 4 wisdom teeth pulled recently and the dentist gave only ibuprofen. I gave him a couple of Percocet to get past the first couple of days of pain). It’s a lot easier to give someone a couple of Percocet and say break them in half instead of one oxy 30 and telling them to break them in 6th’s. I had been out of Percocet for a few years, but now I’ll eventually have a large stash of them.
I really enjoy helping other people and my dream is to turn my experience into a tool I can use to help others.
I've never heard of an addict stockpiling for random others who might have need of pain relief. I stockpile all I can, because I've experienced a doctor saying, "That's your lot, no more prescriptions, you're better". It's not nice of them. I would help anyone by giving them away, not a problem.
Just bear in mind, the stockpile will be used by it's addicted owner in most cases.
Then there's that other problem, these laxatives aren't working 😢
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
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Please people, do not laugh me out of this thread. I am serious for once.

6 days ahead. 30 grams of tobacco left. Normally i smoke about 10g a day. If i run out, i am fucked. Then i will be wandering the streets again, looking for cigarette butts. That increases my self loathing and shame, and i don't think that is a cool thing to do during a pandemic.

Crap. Craving for a cigarette right now. But i won't roll one. I will roll one when it is absolutely crucial, in order to keep the remnants of my mental "health".

Thanks.
Just replying to say I'm sorry you're in that situation. Money don't make you happy, but poverty is misery and rolling used tobacco from butts tastes disgusting, no-one does it if there is another option, you shouldn't have to. 😢
 

Squeaky

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I've never heard of an addict stockpiling for random others who might have need of pain relief. I stockpile all I can, because I've experienced a doctor saying, "That's your lot, no more prescriptions, you're better". It's not nice of them. I would help anyone by giving them away, not a problem.
Just bear in mind, the stockpile will be used by it's addicted owner in most cases.
Then there's that other problem, these laxatives aren't working 😢
I know. Very strange but I have two conversations going all the time inside my head: the addict who wants pain relief, and the social worker who’s trying to figure way to move forward.

I know that my only hope is to get to a place where I can pass up the pills, even if there’s nobody around to catch me. I have a long road ahead but I refuse to believe that I’m condemned to a life of ALMOST falling off the wagon. It took me years but I finally beat my reliance on alcohol a few years ago. Now I pour drinks for other people and I have no desire to drink.

I really do need access to pain relief and I have a lot of life left, so there’s a definite need to fix the faulty wiring in my head. At least I’m not so naive as to think I don’t have a problem to deal with. The solution is definitely not abstinence, and I have had the exact same sort of problem you describe with doctors cutting off my prescription. So I am of course stockpiling for me, as well as others.

What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.
 

Squeaky

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So.... I have run out again. This time hasn’t been too bad though. My Kratom usage is blocking 95% of the oxycodone effects, and the Tylenol scares me into limiting my usage, so I don’t feel great right now but most of my discomfort is coming from my intestines and even that isn’t bad. A few years ago I did a fast taper (2days) from about 50 mg per day and it was complete hell. For the last few days I have been at 150-200 mg per day and this is nothing compared to the other. Kratom is certainly helping with the wd’s but my guess is that I got very little effect from the Percocet’s so I’m getting very limited wd’s.

I’m very conflicted. Clearly I’m addicted but the pain relief these last few days has been really nice. And if I’m passing through this transition back to normal life without incident then????? Don’t get me wrong, the oxy 30’s were ruining my life. Right now I’m wishing I had more Percocet but I’m also happy they’re gone. And I deserve to not be in pain. I never intended to abstain forever but I figured I would be back on the 30’s someday. Right now I’m wondering if Percocet is my solution.

I guess I’ll see how the next couple of days go. Maybe tomorrow the wd’s will be a lot worse and it will be more clear, but right now it’s feeling like I might have a solution to the hopelessness of being in pain forever.

Either way it’s clear that I’m not done with prescription pain killers. I might be transitioning into a new leg of this journey but it’s definitely not over. The binge/withdrawal cycle was murder and suffering in pain without pills really sucked. What’s happening to me today feels like I could do this for a while and it will be OK.
 

AutoTripper

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I almost took a whole day off benzo yesterday.

About 24 hours had passed from previous dose (nearly said Sunday then lol, it was Tuesday) night.

I had no wish to take it. A need, for mood and nerves. But I didn't want it.

I only ate 2 small meals from Friday night to now, 1pm Thursday, nothing yesterday.

So 3 fasts in a row basically, 2 small meals breaking them.

37 hours right now.

The other two were about 46 hours.

I did trip deepest in my life of 750 Micrograms of ALD-52, the best cleanest most hallucinogenic Acid on earth.

Exactly 25 years after I first took...LSD 25.

An anniversary trip by chance or alignment. The highest I have ever been. On anything, like feet off the ground and all the way into the Asyral Planes to a place beyond matter, time and space.

Really extraordinary, spectacular visions, insights, epiphanies.

Slept 12 hours Tuesday night. Too tired to get up yesterday, but allergy needed serious management. Long exhausting hideous process. 2 full mugs of thick mucus evacuated. I get PTSD daily from facing this abnormal process alone.

Was flat out of energy, tripping deep and long takes more energy than any other drug IME since 1996.

And my nerves were super sensitised and my mum was having a day around the house in a particular disgruntled emotional state, I couldn't deal with that so went back to bed as it was a fight not to already, requiring some major incentive.

Sleeping wasn't easy, an hour seemed like a night long mentally.

Was very hungry. No etiz all day though. Until 9 pm, 5 mg's as I felt rough, cold like, surely withdrawls and it doesn't pay to spike high to low.

I lost count of Etiz use early week. Over the trip. Maybe 20 mg's 2 days in a row.

Only 5 last night.

Usually after maxxing it out so much, I struggle to not go nuts without a high enough amount and feel rough no matter.

I took 3 mg's about 6 am today after somehow sleeping on/off through. Made me sleepy and I took a few more hours sleep.

Lots of sleep anyway lol! Just had strong coffee to wake up now.

Normally, I'd be taking all the Etiz I can allow, for mood and depression.

I hit a major intense depression yesterday. Usual nowdays post very heavy Acid trips.

The blackest. But I did not want any Etiz. I wanted cannabis. Not even Kava!

I had neither. Just the evening Etiz dose.

That is something itself. The ALD trip has completely changed my mind.

I'm sure this battle is right on still.

Because my mum is such an insane nerve trigger for me.

I saw though- I can actually see a life without benzos!

Not even feeling terrible because of it too.

Cannabis edibles next. Love my organic cannabis. I plan kava. It puts me in agood warm mood. Makes music so enjoyable.

I love good music. Especially on LSD but it's great anyway.

Peter Tosh. He's a man I swear. Jhonny B good. Incredible tune.

Interesting though. I have rewired some stuff in my head by leaving my body completely the furthest out.

Long Covid back in my nerves atm is directly driving anxiety and panic though.

@Squeaky really pleased to hear you feeling more positive, and hopeful. Well done.

Interestingly too, you said about fixing the wiring in your head.

I definitely re-wired my own this time. In no bad way. Never such a real deep work though. No way to return to the same Default Mode Network afterwards.

@Squeaky I suddenly wonder if Microdosing Psychedelics, Psilocybin or LSD, could help you with that and generally?

Keep that positive mindframe going for now.

And thanks for your previous comment to me.

I typed a reply but was in the worst place then so scrapped it.

Another thing- pretty empty this morning of food, water and waist.

So little food last 6 days, I'm certainly anemic again.

But- 62 kg's true body weight!

Not even 60! Which is good. Somehow!
 

AutoTripper

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2019
Messages
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I feel like I have brain damage. I wonder how that happened. I have a few theories. At least at least four. ☹😱
I have nuff brain damage too lol. Too much ecstasy lifetime ago, no HR practise at all. Every "rule" broken extreme.

Other incidents since.

It's amazing how we can accommodate such things though.

It will usually be worse right after it had occured, typical with injury.

But time heals even if only say by adapting to losing sight or sound.

Until it just seems normal again and you are managing.
 

Squeaky

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I was right. No wd’s. Interesting though, my teeth got really sensitive to liquids. Didn’t matter if it is hot or cold. Any liquid hit a few of my teeth on one side and they ached from the root. One whole day off the percs and it’s almost gone. Probably the high doses of Tylenol. Good thing I’m out of those now. Back to Kratom every day.

I’m conflicted. Kratom has been saving my ass. It got me through some horrible wd’s many times and has provided some much needed pain relief. BUT it raised my tolerance through the roof. I can’t get much from even a LOT of oxy now so getting hooked on the pills again is going to be almost impossible. Even when I do need substantial pain relief the oxy barely moves the needle and I have to take huge amounts.

I guess it’s a glass half empty/ half full question. Is Kratom saving me from dependence on pills or is it blocking me from the pain relief they provide? I know it seems to be my salvation but some days I would rather be addicted if it meant one pill could solve my problem. My addiction is pushing me to get off the Kratom so the pills will work again. The grown-up inside me is disagreeing..... loudly.
 

Squeaky

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I’m writing a children’s book about my experience on prescription pain pills. It’s called
“Everyone poops.... except me”

It’s a recycled joke but still funny 😄
 
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Squeaky

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Two days since my last mega dose of Percocet. My teeth don’t hurt any more. I’m guessing I was experiencing a side effect of the massive amount of Tylenol I was ingesting.
How’s that for proof you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Google says that Tylenol is actually BETTER than prescription opiates..... wait for it.... for treating a TOOTHACHE!!!!!
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
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I was right. No wd’s. Interesting though, my teeth got really sensitive to liquids. Didn’t matter if it is hot or cold. Any liquid hit a few of my teeth on one side and they ached from the root.
My teeth hurt just like you describe last time I detoxed. As for Tylenol, I always taught my kids that is a placebo and a dangerous one at that. Only after one of them became a doctor did I learn that it really is supposed to affect pain, but not in everyone. Certainly not better than opiates, might beat a wet sock.
 

Squeaky

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My teeth hurt just like you describe last time I detoxed. As for Tylenol, I always taught my kids that is a placebo and a dangerous one at that. Only after one of them became a doctor did I learn that it really is supposed to affect pain, but not in everyone. Certainly not better than opiates, might beat a wet sock.
This new idea that a combination of Tylenol and Ibuprofen could be “better than opiates for pain” is complete bullshit. I have a friend, in his 50’s, who had 4 wisdom teeth pulled last year. Dr gave him ibuprofen and he was absolutely miserable. Lucky for him I have a pharmacy at home.
 

papercuts

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I've not had an opiate in 15 hours, thinking I got this sussed, then realising I don't and I'm going to cheer myself up soon I expect.
I am curious by nature and I've come off my buprenorphine completely over the last four weeks so I can tell which effect is coming from which habit. I want to stay off opiates for a whole 24 hours, but then I realise, since I'm not quitting in my current mindframe, it's not worth it.
While I'm sober (ok, not quite "sober", more "not in wd yet"), I'm going to try vaping some green at 170'C to test whether it really is stronger at that temp than higher. I read at high temps more compounds evaporate and act against the THC.
 

Squeaky

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I've not had an opiate in 15 hours, thinking I got this sussed, then realising I don't and I'm going to cheer myself up soon I expect.
I am curious by nature and I've come off my buprenorphine completely over the last four weeks so I can tell which effect is coming from which habit. I want to stay off opiates for a whole 24 hours, but then I realise, since I'm not quitting in my current mindframe, it's not worth it.
While I'm sober (ok, not quite "sober", more "not in wd yet"), I'm going to try vaping some green at 170'C to test whether it really is stronger at that temp than higher. I read at high temps more compounds evaporate and act against the THC.
The mindfuck lasts forever. In my experience, one day of abstinence only makes it all harder. Even when my goal was to save a bit of my opiates, one day off would just mean I had ‘extra’ to take the next day. Then the next day..... Etc. After 3 days I was MORE out of pills and MORE dependent on a higher dose. And MORE screwed. And the wd’s cause such extensive problems that it’s easy to blame symptoms on something else.

It only helped when I finally quit completely because I knew I wasn’t going to die. That first 24 hours is really scary, feeling like the world was going to end. It’s was good to get my feet wet but ultimately I just suffered for no good reason.

Thang God for weed........
 

Squeaky

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Weed only helps me to pass time and sleep. Time moves like molasses in withdrawal, so anything that helps it move more quickly is a blessing. Sleep is instantly a luxury that is in very short supply, and time spent staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night is the worst. THC gummies are my new best friend. They help me relax and sleep. Not great but anything is better than what I was getting before.
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
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The mindfuck lasts forever. In my experience, one day of abstinence only makes it all harder. Even when my goal was to save a bit of my opiates, one day off would just mean I had ‘extra’ to take the next day. Then the next day..... Etc. After 3 days I was MORE out of pills and MORE dependent on a higher dose. And MORE screwed. And the wd’s cause such extensive problems that it’s easy to blame symptoms on something else.

It only helped when I finally quit completely because I knew I wasn’t going to die. That first 24 hours is really scary, feeling like the world was going to end. It’s was good to get my feet wet but ultimately I just suffered for no good reason.

Thang God for weed........
I'm really taken with this low temp vaping, it's good. Instead of clouds of smelly vape, nothing, which is weird, but I know when I hook it up to a bong I can see vapor/smoke, but I'm exhaling what seems like ordinary air. So it takes a little longer to hit, but I'm energised like I've heard people say about weed, but it's just not that way for me smoking, I sleep then, blissfully. So low temp gives me a better daytime hit and I save the partially vaped weed for a bedtime snack to help me sleep. This will be useful when I get sent some work again, this week I hope.
@Squeaky Are you back on the pills same as before?
 

Squeaky

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I'm really taken with this low temp vaping, it's good. Instead of clouds of smelly vape, nothing, which is weird, but I know when I hook it up to a bong I can see vapor/smoke, but I'm exhaling what seems like ordinary air. So it takes a little longer to hit, but I'm energised like I've heard people say about weed, but it's just not that way for me smoking, I sleep then, blissfully. So low temp gives me a better daytime hit and I save the partially vaped weed for a bedtime snack to help me sleep. This will be useful when I get sent some work again, this week I hope.
@Squeaky Are you back on the pills same as before?
I ran out again. Dr gave me 6 percs/day and I used 20.

I tried this once and it was awesome, but it takes a bit of patience:
A giant home-made bong. About a liter of airspace inside. Plug the carb/hole and inhale to fill the bong with smoke. Then leave the heavy smoke in the bong and seal all of the holes with tape. Leave it alone for about and hour. All of the smoke particles settle into the water and the air is pure THC vapor. Inhale with no coughing and very little odor
 
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