• TDS Moderators: deficiT | D's |n3ophy7e
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Hey folks...
Still keeping on...
Norco and trams
Gearing up for another attempt to discontinue norco.

Man, i was right there 2 weeks ago...$__&#
Don’t beat yourself up. If I added up all of my failures I would go back to the pills just because I’m so depressed about all of the times I went back to the pills. Also if you quit something you’re not ready to quit, you will either go back to it in the future OR you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you could. Like breaking up with a woman who cheated on you, but you still carry a torch for her. It’s better (in my opinion) if you quit because you really want to quit AND you can release the hold she has on you because you don’t want that any more.
This dependence has stolen too many years from you already. Giving up these pills is obviously important to you, but you might be better off going through this once more so you don’t spend the next 20 years getting excited every time someone says they have some old Norco laying around. It sucks right now but how much would it suck if those pills steal the next 20 years from you and you never even get to use them again? (That would be like watching porn with no hope of having sex afterwards)
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Don’t beat yourself up. If I added up all of my failures I would go back to the pills just because I’m so depressed about all of the times I went back to the pills. Also if you quit something you’re not ready to quit, you will either go back to it in the future OR you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you could. Like breaking up with a woman who cheated on you, but you still carry a torch for her. It’s better (in my opinion) if you quit because you really want to quit AND you can release the hold she has on you because you don’t want that any more.
This dependence has stolen too many years from you already. Giving up these pills is obviously important to you, but you might be better off going through this once more so you don’t spend the next 20 years getting excited every time someone says they have some old Norco laying around. It sucks right now but how much would it suck if those pills steal the next 20 years from you and you never even get to use them again? (That would be like watching porn with no hope of having sex afterwards)
Well said..thank you
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
If someone told me two years ago that I would go through full oxy withdrawals at least 20 more times..... I would have have either committed suicide or became so determined to prove them wrong that I would have stopped running out. Neither one is a good choice.
I needed to be done with the pills. Badly. For reasons I doubt I will ever fully understand. However, on some level I did know that this problem would haunt me for the rest of my life if I didn’t find a way to make the pills undesirable to me. I think I’m there.

Yesterday an old friend who is also suffering back pain and who also takes prescription opiates contacted me regarding Kratom. Long story short..... he said they want to give him straight oxy for pain but he doesn’t want it (Percocet is Ok but not straight oxy....?.....). Anyway, I hung up the phone and later realized this: I wasn’t trying to figure out how to work a trade with him. You know- his perc’s for cash or for my Kratom.
Three months ago I would have quietly been keeping in touch with him in the hopes he decided to empty his medicine cabinet. Playing that game where I make jokes, but also make sure he knows to call me first if there’s a surplus of meds at his house. Trying not to sound like an addict, and not pushing too hard, but making my position heard none the less. I woke up this morning, took a big scoop of green powder, and I saw that something in me has shifted.

The road is long and difficult. I still have a long way to go. But that second when I saw myself acting differently, when the only person seeing it was me, made me feel like I at least crossed the half-way point. It’s pretty huge since it has been years that there was no end in sight.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
One thing that is different between some of us in this boat is that some became addicted later on in life versus had a lifelong addiction off and on.

My experience I was a hard drug addict as a younger adolescent..
IV drug user at 14 etc...
So now I'm in my sixties and had a few decades without using..
In last years it stormed back on me with prescription meds..

Such is life
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,988
Location
Dex's room
One thing that is different between some of us in this boat is that some became addicted later on in life versus had a lifelong addiction off and on.

My experience I was a hard drug addict as a younger adolescent..
IV drug user at 14 etc...
So now I'm in my sixties and had a few decades without using..
In last years it stormed back on me with prescription meds..

Such is life
As they say, no one is immune to addiction. Doesn't matter how smart, dumb, rich, poor, young, old, male or female, straight or LGBTQ+, what country or culture you're from/in, whether you've had an addiction before or not, no matter how much you know about it etc etc, addiction can get anyone at any time. Such is life indeed, my friend <3
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
I genuinely believe that everyone is addicted to something. It could be cycling, home improvements, education....... or drugs. They all come at a cost, and they all can ruin your life.
The problems show up when you believe you’re too good to get hooked on anything.

The question is whether your addiction is hurting or helping. There was a point in my life when the pills were helping. Obviously something changed and they became a problem. I think the real issue we have all had is knowing the difference
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired for a really long time. Probably 3 years ago I had started saying that about my pills and it took all of that time for me to finally hit bottom. At some point around 2 years ago I realized how long I had been saying that and I felt really stupid for doing it again, and again, .......
My plan was just to say it out loud to myself over and over, and that would inspire me to change. NOT!! The only thing I accomplished was that I felt more guilty and pushed myself deeper into a depression that could only be cured by more pills.
It’s too bad that an adult like me could have probably only seen the light back then if I got arrested or overdosed. Somehow being that sick and that tired didn’t mean anything.
 

Mafioso

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
3,963
Location
TDS
whats up everyone, hope you everyone is hanging in there.

A few weeks into my xanax taper, much more difficult than expected. Mixing weed and xans made it really easy to loose track of my dose, and after a really brutal couple weeks I think I'm finally getting closer to the end of my taper, and painfully closer to the inevitable withdrawals... although I guess I'm already in withdrawal by tapering, just not fully stepped off.

I have a few valium left, I'll probably break them into 1/4's and use them to smooth out the tail end of my taper, once I'm finally stepping off. I just recently took my taper dose... sleep is becoming increasingly difficult, and my thought process seems to be wavering between blanking out and an adhd/anxiety fueled garbled mess that is slowly straightening itself out. I find myself slowly able to achieve mental and emotional function- which comes with both elation and pain. I'm able to understand more complex concepts which is exciting, but with this ability, everything I was suppressing or just completely oblivious to is starting to hit me.

haven't been eating much, and can really feel when the benzo leaves my body as my hands get shaky, I start to get nauseous and even when I do feel hungry I'm afraid to eat because of the diarrhea..but I'm determined to put this shit behind me once again....no pun intended...
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,732
Location
Michigan
whats up everyone, hope you everyone is hanging in there.

A few weeks into my xanax taper, much more difficult than expected. Mixing weed and xans made it really easy to loose track of my dose, and after a really brutal couple weeks I think I'm finally getting closer to the end of my taper, and painfully closer to the inevitable withdrawals... although I guess I'm already in withdrawal by tapering, just not fully stepped off.

I have a few valium left, I'll probably break them into 1/4's and use them to smooth out the tail end of my taper, once I'm finally stepping off. I just recently took my taper dose... sleep is becoming increasingly difficult, and my thought process seems to be wavering between blanking out and an adhd/anxiety fueled garbled mess that is slowly straightening itself out. I find myself slowly able to achieve mental and emotional function- which comes with both elation and pain. I'm able to understand more complex concepts which is exciting, but with this ability, everything I was suppressing or just completely oblivious to is starting to hit me.

haven't been eating much, and can really feel when the benzo leaves my body as my hands get shaky, I start to get nauseous and even when I do feel hungry I'm afraid to eat because of the diarrhea..but I'm determined to put this shit behind me once again....no pun intended...
Slow and steady wins the race. What your are doing is extremely difficult. Congrats on all your efforts so far. Stay strong.
 

Mafioso

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
3,963
Location
TDS
insomnia is one of the worst parts. I know it's a bit different for opioid wd compared to benzo, but for me the only thing I really find as a suitable means of dealing with insomnia is flooding my information- trying to learn and force some motor function to start again. The key, for me, is to not overload myself with stress, and being able to take some time off while dealing with some of the more problematic wd symptoms really takes a lot of stress off me which in turn lowers my urge to use.

Of course this is just kicking the can down the road, and if I let myself start to over think what my next career move will be, and then start pressuring myself.... btrTTut lately I've just been trying to remember that life is too short to be so focused on money- at least for me when I become obsessive and put it above family and friends.

I'm honestly a bit worried about stepping off completely... but I know it needs to happen soon, like next week or so- at least with daily doses. Think I might start stretching out the time between doses as long as I can take and then take the lowest dose that levels me. Im considering support groupss like na, even if 12 step as much as i dont care for it . I nee the social aspect of being around people with a common goal.

This past month has been pretty rough, and I know I've driven a lot of people away with my behavior but I've also been let down in some pretty major ways by people I really trusted and considered good friends, which has led to quite the social fallout for me. I guess truth be told, I'm at the center of it so I can't discount my behavior in all of this. I'm really looking forward to the days of feeling good wihout having to take drugs... and hopefully by that time i haven't lost all respect from my peers. just tryomg to be positive...
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
insomnia is one of the worst parts. I know it's a bit different for opioid wd compared to benzo, but for me the only thing I really find as a suitable means of dealing with insomnia is flooding my information- trying to learn and force some motor function to start again. The key, for me, is to not overload myself with stress, and being able to take some time off while dealing with some of the more problematic wd symptoms really takes a lot of stress off me which in turn lowers my urge to use.

Of course this is just kicking the can down the road, and if I let myself start to over think what my next career move will be, and then start pressuring myself.... btrTTut lately I've just been trying to remember that life is too short to be so focused on money- at least for me when I become obsessive and put it above family and friends.

I'm honestly a bit worried about stepping off completely... but I know it needs to happen soon, like next week or so- at least with daily doses. Think I might start stretching out the time between doses as long as I can take and then take the lowest dose that levels me. Im considering support groupss like na, even if 12 step as much as i dont care for it . I nee the social aspect of being around people with a common goal.

This past month has been pretty rough, and I know I've driven a lot of people away with my behavior but I've also been let down in some pretty major ways by people I really trusted and considered good friends, which has led to quite the social fallout for me. I guess truth be told, I'm at the center of it so I can't discount my behavior in all of this. I'm really looking forward to the days of feeling good wihout having to take drugs... and hopefully by that time i haven't lost all respect from my peers. just tryomg to be positive...
Thank you...
Yep, identify with it all...
I have all this physical pain cr#p and its a bit of a dilemma...
To feel good for 3-4 hours presents such an obsession , and attempting to go it wo meds is frightening..
I've done it before, but now 60+ yo and its much different..
Sending good vibrations to the group..
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
I am gearing up for another taper..
Norco and tramadol...
That insomnia is brutal...
.
You could try going more slowly, or put together a better plan in advance.
You know what to expect now. Insomnia, diarrhea, losing your appetite, etc. What about seeing your doctor (or better yet, a different doctor) and getting something for sleep?

The insomnia was the worst for me so I know what you mean. I went cold turkey every month for a while and what saved me was I have some Ativan left from a couple of years ago. Not much but enough to get me through the first 3 or 4 days of needing to sleep. Weed is great for me mainly because it brings my appetite back and then knocks me out. I also have an old Lyrica prescription and those would put me into a 9 hour coma if I need.
A few days of not sleeping would make God himself go back to the pills. Just don’t take any new pills for more than a few days. Wd’s from something like Valium can actually be fatal.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
insomnia is one of the worst parts. I know it's a bit different for opioid wd compared to benzo, but for me the only thing I really find as a suitable means of dealing with insomnia is flooding my information- trying to learn and force some motor function to start again. The key, for me, is to not overload myself with stress, and being able to take some time off while dealing with some of the more problematic wd symptoms really takes a lot of stress off me which in turn lowers my urge to use.

Of course this is just kicking the can down the road, and if I let myself start to over think what my next career move will be, and then start pressuring myself.... btrTTut lately I've just been trying to remember that life is too short to be so focused on money- at least for me when I become obsessive and put it above family and friends.

I'm honestly a bit worried about stepping off completely... but I know it needs to happen soon, like next week or so- at least with daily doses. Think I might start stretching out the time between doses as long as I can take and then take the lowest dose that levels me. Im considering support groupss like na, even if 12 step as much as i dont care for it . I nee the social aspect of being around people with a common goal.

This past month has been pretty rough, and I know I've driven a lot of people away with my behavior but I've also been let down in some pretty major ways by people I really trusted and considered good friends, which has led to quite the social fallout for me. I guess truth be told, I'm at the center of it so I can't discount my behavior in all of this. I'm really looking forward to the days of feeling good wihout having to take drugs... and hopefully by that time i haven't lost all respect from my peers. just tryomg to be positive...
insomnia is one of the worst parts. I know it's a bit different for opioid wd compared to benzo, but for me the only thing I really find as a suitable means of dealing with insomnia is flooding my information- trying to learn and force some motor function to start again. The key, for me, is to not overload myself with stress, and being able to take some time off while dealing with some of the more problematic wd symptoms really takes a lot of stress off me which in turn lowers my urge to use.

Of course this is just kicking the can down the road, and if I let myself start to over think what my next career move will be, and then start pressuring myself.... btrTTut lately I've just been trying to remember that life is too short to be so focused on money- at least for me when I become obsessive and put it above family and friends.

I'm honestly a bit worried about stepping off completely... but I know it needs to happen soon, like next week or so- at least with daily doses. Think I might start stretching out the time between doses as long as I can take and then take the lowest dose that levels me. Im considering support groupss like na, even if 12 step as much as i dont care for it . I nee the social aspect of being around people with a common goal.

This past month has been pretty rough, and I know I've driven a lot of people away with my behavior but I've also been let down in some pretty major ways by people I really trusted and considered good friends, which has led to quite the social fallout for me. I guess truth be told, I'm at the center of it so I can't discount my behavior in all of this. I'm really looking forward to the days of feeling good wihout having to take drugs... and hopefully by that time i haven't lost all respect from my peers. just tryomg to be positive...
Hello Mafioso,
Sounds like your head is in the right place but you still have some stress in life to sort out. Hopefully, getting off the Benzos will eventually give you the momentum you need to fix the real problems in your world without checking out into oblivion on pills.
If you haven’t done it already, look up “The Ashton Method”. Its some old Dr who outlined a procedure for tapering off benzos without major withdrawals. It is painfully slow but it would save you from having a seizure and dying. Probably save you from insomnia too.

ALSO..... don’t forget that you are in the middle of a serious crisis. It is potentially life threatening and any rational person could see that it is the most important thing in the world that you make it through this. You don’t have to admit your addiction, but if you’re suffering this much it will be obvious to anyone who cares about you. So..... anyone who treats you badly can go to hell. You find out who you can really count on when times get tough. Just try not to be too rude to the people you trust and stop answering the door to anybody you don’t. Besides if you were actually as much of an asshole as you make it sound, then you wouldn’t be taking responsibility for any of this. Cut yourself some slack and focus on getting healthy again.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
It’s been about 25 days since I got my script filled. I haven’t touched it. I don’t know where she hid it and I don’t want to know.

I feel stable now. Monday through Friday, 9-5, weekend off, rinse and repeat. I’m settled back into life with no major up’s or down’s. My pain is under control enough that I don’t think about how shitty it is to hurt all of the time, and I have no substantial cravings for oxy.

I remember being a child and sleeping so heavily that after 10 hours of sleeping I woke up to the sunlight in my face. Take my time on a Saturday morning. Stretch and yawn, then stand in a hot shower for an hour while I wake up. Yesterday I was started out of bed by the alarm after about 4 hours of crappy sleep and all I could think about was the good old days of ‘rest’.
That’s about where I am with my cravings. I don’t miss anything about my pills except that I used to be able to sit here on a Saturday morning and not hurt. Even if I was out of pills there was a day in the near future when I could ‘win’ at this game of ‘Life Isn’t Fair’. Sometimes I sit and remember that moment when the pills start to digest and my pains would disappear, and that is what I’m craving. Not getting high, and definitely not checking out, just having a little while when my day isn’t defined by what hurts.
I’m not going back to the pills. Not for a long time. But I do get depressed occasionally because there’s something that works and I can’t use it
 

Mafioso

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
3,963
Location
TDS
Hello Mafioso,
Sounds like your head is in the right place but you still have some stress in life to sort out. Hopefully, getting off the Benzos will eventually give you the momentum you need to fix the real problems in your world without checking out into oblivion on pills.
If you haven’t done it already, look up “The Ashton Method”. Its some old Dr who outlined a procedure for tapering off benzos without major withdrawals. It is painfully slow but it would save you from having a seizure and dying. Probably save you from insomnia too.

ALSO..... don’t forget that you are in the middle of a serious crisis. It is potentially life threatening and any rational person could see that it is the most important thing in the world that you make it through this. You don’t have to admit your addiction, but if you’re suffering this much it will be obvious to anyone who cares about you. So..... anyone who treats you badly can go to hell. You find out who you can really count on when times get tough. Just try not to be too rude to the people you trust and stop answering the door to anybody you don’t. Besides if you were actually as much of an asshole as you make it sound, then you wouldn’t be taking responsibility for any of this. Cut yourself some slack and focus on getting healthy again.
Thanks for the advice, I based my taper schedule off the ashton manual but personally I've found that I have trouble sticking to long slow tapers compared to ones that are bit more rapid. i know it pushes the line of safety and isn't necessarialy advisable but i'm in a position to where I can don't have a ton of stress on my shoulders for the next week or two at least, so am trying to get m dosage down as much as possible before then. I still haven't hit the worst, at which point I have a small amount of longer lasting benzos for the final step off.

Appreciate the encouragement. Glad to hear you are doing well, keep up it up! Things really start improving between 1-6months for most people in terms of cognitive function. As far as using opioids for long term pain- I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure they decrease your pain tolerance through receptor down regulation. and that constantly taking opiods causes the brain to lower the amount of natural pain killers(endorphins). Plus the feeling of being free from pills... not having to worry about it when you leave town or even leave the house really. That;s one of the things I look forward to the most I think.. that feeling of freedom.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Thanks for the advice, I based my taper schedule off the ashton manual but personally I've found that I have trouble sticking to long slow tapers compared to ones that are bit more rapid. i know it pushes the line of safety and isn't necessarialy advisable but i'm in a position to where I can don't have a ton of stress on my shoulders for the next week or two at least, so am trying to get m dosage down as much as possible before then. I still haven't hit the worst, at which point I have a small amount of longer lasting benzos for the final step off.

Appreciate the encouragement. Glad to hear you are doing well, keep up it up! Things really start improving between 1-6months for most people in terms of cognitive function. As far as using opioids for long term pain- I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure they decrease your pain tolerance through receptor down regulation. and that constantly taking opiods causes the brain to lower the amount of natural pain killers(endorphins). Plus the feeling of being free from pills... not having to worry about it when you leave town or even leave the house really. That;s one of the things I look forward to the most I think.. that feeling of freedom.
Yeah, the long slow taper never worked for me either. Too impatient I guess.

There’s something called “Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia” where the painkillers are causing new pains. No doubt I was having that problem as well.

I actually have a Dr appt next week. I’m not ready to drop my prescription completely yet (long story), but I don’t need it anymore. I’m in a new head-space now and I’m actually annoyed that I have to deal with making time to have the appointment and go to the pharmacy. It’s such a new experience because I have spent the last few years planning my life around my refills and now it’s just a huge nuisance.
I used to have a sixth sense about the day of the month, how many pills left, how long to my next refill, etc. Yesterday I got a text message from the Dr’s office, a reminder about my appointment this week, and I was really surprised. It feels like a week since the last one.

Things are changing. It feels really slow until I look back and see how far I have come. It sounds like you have some experience in this arena. We’re going to get there, wherever ‘there’ might be. No question the journey won’t be as we had planned but we’ll make it to the other side eventually. It just sucks in the in-between parts of the trip.
 
Top