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TDS The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

Much2lose

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Hi Shroomy,

I have lurked for years and have followed your posts. You are a trooper! Lots of good thoughts coming your way. What you have been through is a testament to your strength and intelligence. Please hang in there as I just know things will work out for you! You will lead the life you were always meant to live. Lots of positive and chill vibes!

M2L
 

Shady's Fox

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To everyone in this thread. Belive in you, you can overcome any obstacles that rises in front of you, free as a bird. Same as many others I go through emotional stages daily but because I know myself and my limits, I know when to say yes or no. Belive! I myself at the end of the day I am the light at the end of the tunnel and I never derail the path.
 

ShroomySatori

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Thank you M2L.

I have a lot to lose myself. Even at my rock bottom, I realize that I still and always will have love and support in my life. I will also have free will to shape my destiny.

I am feeling great. Of course, it is because I am no longer taking thienodiazepines, but regular Benzes. The tapering has been hell.

The benzodiazepine withdrawal has been true torture. I am recovering from it as I reinstated a bit. I was communicating with angels and being sent divine protective energies and powers that were manifesting in the most mysterious of ways at rapid fire pace. My whole entire perspective on life changed in these past few weeks or months. I don't even know... it's so fucked...

I have wanted to give up so many times. Jump off a cliff. Whatever. Fuck it if I'm this age and can't even walk out a front door. So I started confronting these feelings. It is the first step to acknowledge them as opposed to being aversive to them. I am still in a lot of trouble and I probably don't have doctor support anymore as I was a delinquent again so that would be really lame. However I am sick of their bullshit anyway.

I am content. Not happy yet, but content. I have been playing with fire, at death's doorstep. It.tortures the mind when you are that close to losing your life to a stupid drug and from withdrawing from it even. This has smartened me up a bit, but I still have serious problems. The doctors are not helping so I will help myself. There is a lady who had a secret crush on me. There are too many who it could be and there is only one I think that does. I think I know who she is now. These very negative energies arising from drug abuse were keeping us apart. This is all speculation.

Yes what M2L says is true, I am a fucking warrior for this. That is what quitting long term feels like. Psychological civil warfare. Your own mind battling itself. The whole entire body going haywire. Work? LOL. Forget it, you'll be sick for at least a good month if you have progressed far enough into the death trap. I have not been able to read, and I have a good intellect. This shit has paralyzed me and it really should honestly just not exist but it does and.I got addicted. Addicted bad.

I am just pointing out that like 1% of people actually succeed at this, I could absolutely relapse any day and that thought scares me because I know I would die. I am past 16 months now. I still think about it all the time. It feels like a dream... a different life where I was normal and functional. I am getting it back. Just be prepared to fight for your freedom. The last time I had a girl by my side was when I quit H in 2017 and she motivated me so much to get out of bed. I am so damn curious who this secret crush is, I swear she could be the lady a few doors down. How convenient. lol. Anyways. You know it's never always all good with me but I didn't post for a while, why stop what I started over 100 pages ago.

It sucks when the doctors refuse to listen and are like a roadblock. I would expect better of the modern day world than to be treated this way for hurting my back, but things are turning around for the better. The fuckin anxiety though. It is life ruining for me at the moment over some stupid pill a psych in the er gave me when I was freaking out. The stuff is SO addictive.
 

Mafioso

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Just be safe, whatever happens. Try to meditate on your decisions, especially when you are feeling super intense feelings, as intense feelings tend to cloud the judgement. That's great that you are making the most positive experience out of it as you can.

Some of the most difficult times become some the greatest life lessons. I went through something similar while in solitary confinement while in jail. There was a point where I had thought I realized my name was something else, and I was speaking with an accent in a language I don't speak. I suppose a lot could be gleamed from such experiences, but the biggest for me is that sanity can be fragile. For so long I wanted to push the limits of my own mind, but I was never prepared for what might happen if I push past. I guess a lot of it was just not being aware there were limits to begin with.
 

totach

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I apologize for taking so long to reply. I have been super busy. i am strict keto, with occassional cheat meals. like once a month. i began working out prolly a year before i got off subs. 5 days a week, hiit and weights, cardio
It’s ok, thank you for the response . I still have one more question .
So you’re saying you started exercising while you were still on suboxone correct?
How much of a difference do you think that made when it was time to quit?
Do you believe that is someone let’s say plans to go cold turkey in two weeks would starting to exercises and eat clean really make that big of a difference ? I say that big because common sense would say it would .
For some weird reason I have noticed thru all the rehabs I’ve bin to it’s usually the overweight and out of shape people that seam to heal the fastest mainly sleeping . Which is my biggest problem . It takes me months to even get a few hours a night . But it makes no sense to me. You would think the overweight people would have more drugs stored in there fat which in return would make it take longer to leave the system and should make them suffer more .
Another weird question for everyone that I thought of . If being an opiate addict messes with your dopamine and when you stop you lack it which is why we go into withdrawal then wouldn’t it make sense if an out of shape person started working out hard which in return flood your brain with endorphins why is it when they stop and go back to there old ways they don’t experience withdrawal like an opiate addict would ? Might sound like a stupid question but I’ve always wondered about that. Same as someone that hasn’t had sex in a while then enters a relationship and orgasms 4 or more times a day for an extended period of time . Why is when when they stop that they don’t experience opiate/ dopemaine you get my point withdrawals .
At the end of the day by taking opiates don’t we in short create more opiate receptors which need to be filled which when stopped are not filled so shouldn’t what I just said make sense?
 

ShroomySatori

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Mafioso, can you say you regret it though? There is psychosis, yes, but there is also taking things so far that you begin to transcend physical form. Or something like that. I think there are life lessons there. This is a thought of mine, not a belief, and I can't say I regret any of it. It just might mean an early fate for me, and that is okay,. I think that if society overall was more accepting of death, that it is really a form of rebirth and the dawn of a new journey, then there would be less overall anxiety. A lot of mine, I think, comes from knowing that I am going to die.
II ruined my life and it is time to own up to that,. I have been feeling tortured since December and it is hard to bear. I am so lonely too. It is the worst time of y4ear for that. I am so down on my luck. I know I have a secret crush but I don't know hwho she is. Like, I will walk around the neighbourhood one way and then she will come out and meet me if she sees me. I think I finally figured out where she lives. She is gorgeous and I think of reasonable age haha like definite 20's. Ugh she is my dream girl, she is so hot and lives a a walk away... she likes me I think. But I intimidate everyone until they understand I am no threat so there is that.
Man I don't even know what I started off writing. I am so fuvking drowned out by loneliness at this time of year. Everywhere I look there are couples except me. Year after year. I have that seasonal depression shit and it's about to hit hard if I don't start creating a social life. I am starting to reconnect with older, more loyal friends. The ones I know would never miss my funeral if it came to that.
I don't know what happened to my life. Ever since I stopped taking opiates, it has been fucking miserable. I'm trying to stay positive but this Benzo thing is downright misery. It is the most miserable thing I have ever known in my whole entire life.
 

Mafioso

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Regret is an interesting word to me. On one hand, there are definitely things I regret, especially about some of the choice I made regarding drugs. On the other hand, there will always be regret about choices that could have been better, no matter which path in life we choose. I find that regret is generally a useless emotion, as there is no way to no things would have been any better had they gone differently, and it does little to nothing to better my today or tomorrow. I can't help but to wonder if I would have the perspective that I have gained through all of this, had I not gone through it.

I definitely wish I would have made better choices when I had the chance too, and hopefully that regret can inspire me to make better choices each day. But I try to spend as little time regretting the choices I have made, and instead try to focus that energy on making the best out of what I have.
 

Mafioso

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I believe there are many ways to stumble upon the same epiphany, and I just happened to take a rather destructive path to discovering that I actually do love life, and that I actually do believe the struggle is all worth it. One doesn't need to experience drug induced psychosis and all the other chaos that my drug addiction brought with it, but that just happened to be my path. I may have taken the long way to get to the party, but I made it, and I'm liking it. :)

hang in there my dude. Keep working with your doctors and your support team. Don't worry about secret admirers or crushes. You'll have plenty of time for all that. Just focus on your recovery and your physical and mental health. Work on becoming the best Shroomy possible and the rest will fall into place. Stay positive.
 

TrapZeppelin

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Mafioso, can you say you regret it though? There is psychosis, yes, but there is also taking things so far that you begin to transcend physical form. Or something like that. I think there are life lessons there. This is a thought of mine, not a belief, and I can't say I regret any of it. It just might mean an early fate for me, and that is okay,. I think that if society overall was more accepting of death, that it is really a form of rebirth and the dawn of a new journey, then there would be less overall anxiety. A lot of mine, I think, comes from knowing that I am going to die.
II ruined my life and it is time to own up to that,. I have been feeling tortured since December and it is hard to bear. I am so lonely too. It is the worst time of y4ear for that. I am so down on my luck. I know I have a secret crush but I don't know hwho she is. Like, I will walk around the neighbourhood one way and then she will come out and meet me if she sees me. I think I finally figured out where she lives. She is gorgeous and I think of reasonable age haha like definite 20's. Ugh she is my dream girl, she is so hot and lives a a walk away... she likes me I think. But I intimidate everyone until they understand I am no threat so there is that.
Man I don't even know what I started off writing. I am so fuvking drowned out by loneliness at this time of year. Everywhere I look there are couples except me. Year after year. I have that seasonal depression shit and it's about to hit hard if I don't start creating a social life. I am starting to reconnect with older, more loyal friends. The ones I know would never miss my funeral if it came to that.
I don't know what happened to my life. Ever since I stopped taking opiates, it has been fucking miserable. I'm trying to stay positive but this Benzo thing is downright misery. It is the most miserable thing I have ever known in my whole entire life.
Is it winter where you live? Seasonal depression is the worst. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. The only thing that makes it better for me is sunlight, or a tanning bed, or uv lights. Also trying to stay somewhat active rather than locked indoors. How did you find out about this crush? Why do you think people are intimidated by you? I’m intrigued. Perhaps this is just cyclical even though you’ve been going through this quite a while. And will pull through stronger than before. Changing the way you think can drastically change your destiny. I know this for fact. If you think you are dying, you’re dying. If you think you are living, well then you are living
 

ShroomySatori

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What's with all the questions. How are you jumping to conclusions? Did I mention a crush or something, I don't give a fuck about that shit anymore. I haven't even kissed a girl so far in my 30's you think one girl would have fucking noticed something. I have been so frustrated, that it is them who are missing out. I don't give a fuck anymore, I used to be so cheerful to women everywhere I go. I try and just keep my mouth shut now and stick to myself, that way people can't hurt me anymore. It has been a decade okay. I am a loner and that is that. That was a nice burden off my shoulders. I am basically celibate.

I do not give a fuck about anything I used to care about. The torture has broken me. I can never return, I have left material form for too long or something like that. I can't ever see a 'normal' life and I wish I could go back. Fuck drugs. Fuck that they even exist. Fuck everyone involved in that shit.

Mafioso, regret sucks. Drugs overall suck, and I wish that they were never a part of life. I am furious at myself looking back at the end of the day.

My life would have turned out completely differently.
 
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ShroomySatori

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Fuck the doctors especially. I do not even have one anymore. I have been abused that bad for telling the truth. I literally do not even have a family practitioner anymore, for anything, because they fucked up yet again fucking up my clean drug test. It was assumed that I never did the test, and I was rushing over all proud that I could do so with confidence.

This is actually the SECOND time out of TWO drug tests ever since I was prescribed this shit. Two in all those years? And both were not even kept or analyzed as I never got results. Both were very suspicious. The first one, I tested with pretty much every drug in the book and with honestly on the spot. Passed, cleared for (prescribed) hard drugs. The second time there is literally no explanation. You can't just lose someone's test results that is fucking bullshit and they were in the exact same bag that I got the other tests back already about. This is fucking abuse..

Those people will be fucked. Everyone who is negligent will be fucked financially about this. I am just saying there is no legal discussion involved... but if you have truly been abused beyond the point of even being disabled like you do not ever fuck with people who are already disabled. It it fucking criminal and what do the fucking scum expect in return. If I don't take the shit they prescribe me I'd literally die.

Everyone can fuck off. Where the fuck is my date? I've been trying so hard. Not just with withdrawal. With everything. It's all so much harder than it was before. So yeah I used to be more chill and talk about women and stuff as I was a different person back then. I am extremely sensitive and I know I am capable of unconditional love, it's just a shame you women choose the pricks growing up and the professionals later in life generally speaking for the most part. That's what I've noticed, but I'm still being pretty much fucked off. I have a few female friends - I am way more concerned about the women in my life who truly love me. My mom and my sis, close family.

How am I in my 30's, trying this hard to get better, and being abandoned everywhere I look? By my own country, people, government, health care systems, friends, family. literally everyone is fucking me off. I deserve at least a kiss I am very romantic and have a few crushes but they can go ahead and choose the guys who don't actually give a fuck. I will get run down by a car to protect a female but they just do not seem to give a flying fuck and never will. It's all I ever wanted out of life, to create a happy and sustanable family.

Fuck this. How is LITERAL TORTURE being EVEN ALLOWED AT ALL in this SO CALLED PROGRESSIVE WORLD.

Everyone talks about lgbstqfgdfg like whatever cool, everyone talks about their right to smoke pot, what about MY RIGHT TO LIVE A QUALITY OF LIFE THAT WOULD COST ME PENNIES INSTEAD OF HAVING BANKRUPTED ME. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO TAPER, IT IS BASIC MATH. Even without a prescription which is a huge deal, taking things too far to state that you won't be a family doctor anymore is BULLSHIT. It's time to start writing letters to the government about this fucking before I potentially end up dead at the hands of fucking DOCTORS.

I have been very positive and respectful lately I just have to vent. This is bullshit and I am very sad about failing yet again. I am presently crying. So I will break down in tears as I was just thinking about how I should be having a conversation with a cute woman laying beside me inside of basically to myself. Today, that is weighing heavy on my hard, because I see how that delayed social development was a major contributing factor to why I had to run away, why I had to use drugs to escape. It started with weed, which only further socially isolated me, I never really had any true friends there was never trust from family or friends. I've been a loner all my life. I don't need any advice at this point. I'll just try to keep posting here when I can. I am suffering unbearably. I can no longer trust anybody and it's literally over abuse. I personally believe I am entitled to tens of thousands of dollars in settlement (I have looked in this, got no money but a buddy who's a big time lawyer). You can always count on your friends and close ones.

I have been fucked with to the point that this extent of torture should be brought to the attention of the news. I always see drugs stories in the news. Well, this is sort of a success one in the sense that I have fought and fought and I will never stop fighting and how I am actually smart enough to explain in 5 minutes exactly what is going on in the world of drugs. Good people are turning into slaves and there is so much that could be done. There are no protective energies whatsoever. The protection energies have been corrupted, sabotaged, brainwashed, and made to make me feel, inferior and give up. These are my true thoughts about this country. If that pussy leader wants to have a chat with me, go right ahead. They are too busy legalizing a silly weed that should never have been regulated any more than a tomato. Again. It's all abuse and abusive people working together on multiple levels.

As a result of these kind friendly folk, I ruined my life as they laughed and got rich. I put in the work too. Picked and chose the highest level hi tech understand I could find. This shit will turn an Einstein retarded, it is the powerful and anyone who fucks with it and trusting their doctor like just make sure you don't trust people who like professionals but actually just want money and to enslave you or fuck you over because they see how they are hurting more than helping so they start hurting you even more.
 
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ShroomySatori

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A social organization needs to be formed so that nobody is ever treated this way ever again.
They prescribe teenagers this shit, it's so fucked up. Their brains are still developing, even. Then street dealers target those same people who no longer get scripts. It's so fucked up... something has to be done. And I am supposed to be the lazy one.

There are exceptions, but it seems that when you actually require the meds for pain etc. and they know it, they prescribe and then deny you them.

I am beginning to wonder if it is criminal or not, like, going back to fundamental human rights and I know there is no legal discussion allowed it's a term not to be elaborated on. Anyways, I am personally forming an organization to fight back and have been for a while, I have all the science and lawyers and everything to seek justice in this unfair treatment. I have known suffering that no man should ever know, a something beautiful will blossom from it as I am an inherently kind hearted man. I always have been. I call upon my friends (one of you have betrayed me) for not support. I call upon you to take action and stand the fuck up against this bullshit because typing back and forth is never going to amount to anything.

Have we not suffered enough. Years of writing. It's a huge accomplishment, if I had read that shit as a kid I would have had a warning sign before smoking that first joint or having that first drink. It wasn't just that. Why do I have to be so lonely all my life. I was fucked with as a kid tbh and I deny it from myself and the psychiatrist just didn't seem all that interest in hearing me out. The psychologist didn't either. I'm telling you like my friends literally call me Steve Jobs and I believe I have the same power to change the world for the better, but in a healthier, more natural, and holistic way. I am just encouraging people to stand up for themselves when the time comes for them to do so.

As, you can only torture people so long before they start to realize that their basic funamental rights as a human being are stolen and gone. This happens when everything is lost, when someone goes from having it all to having nothing and still never giving up. I am fine. I am encouraging other to stand up for themselves and also to warn in particular the women and children, but everyone overall obviously. It just fucks my head up thinking about someone who wasn't smarter than the doctors going through this. It happens all the time.
 

TrapZeppelin

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“What's with all the questions. How are you jumping to conclusions? Did I mention a crush or something, I don't give a fuck about that shit anymore”

Ummm yes you mentioned a crush several different times, actually. I was just trying to be friendly and kind. Won’t happen again, sorry.

And I also live with chronic pain for the past 20 years. They only time I’ve ever been pissed at my doctors is when I was caught not playing by the rules and had my scripts taken. If you play by the rules, you get the scripts. There are rules because the government and regulations are in place to protect people who cannot regulate themselves. I don’t necessarily agree with it but completely understand it and the hard position a medical professional is under, trying to help patients in addition to weeding out addicts and all the while worrying about accidental overdose.
Point is. I’m not a victim. I was dealt a shitty hand when it comes to health but fuck it. I’m not mad about it. And I’m gonna live the best life I can. Good luck to you. Sorry I struck I nerve
 

somnilicious

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Hey Shroomy…. I've lurked around for a longtime and I just wanted to tell you to not be so hard on yourself. It doesn't matter so much as to where we have been but where we are going. After following this thread for a longtime I was very happy to see the epiphanies and faith that you are starting to develop over the last 2 pages.

I am a longtime opiate, methadone and benzo addict.... From personal experience I can tell you that these substances are some of the most detrimental to mental health when combined, especially benzos... I've been free of methadone and benzos since 2015 after 10yrs on each. I've had some heroin relapses recently but I still feel a million times better than my benzo days.. not going to lie the withdrawal and PAWS are protracted but stick with it and I think you will be amazed by your progression someday soon. It gets better and better. Try to focus and what you can be doing and less on what you don't have. I would highly suggests church or support groups. It helps to develop relationships and support. Lastly just be aware that all of these racing thoughts, mood swings, fears and insecurities are a big part of recovery.... especially from benzos, which essentially shut down the fear center of your brain. What you are experiencing is the rebounds and that means your brain is working towards recovery. Love and respect from a fellow addict. I believe in you.
 

NorthernGirl

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Hi Shroomy! Happy to see you back here pal! :) I kinda worried a bit when I saw you hadn't posted in awhile. I just got caught up on the thread, I've been away for a bit. I mean the following as someone who genuinely cares; a fellow Canadian (ON) and in a supportive way + as someone who has followed your story for a couple of years - and who has always rooted for you 1000%--- because I believe that deep down, and on the other side of this current benzo battle you're fighting (bc you already slayed the H dragon!👍🏻) there is a man waiting to meet the world who has so much amazingness to offer.. you are young and bright and intelligent.. creative and you also seem to be a thoughtful caring person with a big heart. So many things. That beautiful brain of yours deserves this chance.. you deserve this chance and you also deserve peace and happiness & to live the life you dream of living. You are so young in the grand scheme of things and have so much life left to live.. I believe you can beat this Shroomy.... you're so close and I hope you just keep going. Baby steps forward and try to get out of your own way. I mean that last phrase with the kindest intentions. Text is difficult to convey meaning sometimes, as I'm sure you know. You are very deep into your own mind/thoughts sometimes and recently it seems as though your reality may be shifting at times. I am referring to when you spoke about the spiritual world connections etc. Then you wrote a lot about wanting a relationship and about a secret crush and then got mad when someone questioned you (rather nicely) about it. So much so that he or she felt they needed to apologize to you for striking a nerve. Thats sad. Because I also read about you mentioning a relationship and women etc. You I actually wrote quite a bit about it; so it seems reasonable and harmless that someone would ask a question.. Reread for yourself a couple of posts up... you write all about a secret crush! my point is, People here care about you and are some of the only ones who can relate to what you're going through. You should try to be more considerate of that and to their feelings.. plus she was just trying to be friendly with her question.
It is somewhat nice out now here in Canada - although it sure doesn't feel like spring yet, but I hope you're getting out and about lately, at least a little bit!! Be kind to yourself.
I hope everyone reading this is kind to themselves today..
 

ShroomySatori

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Wise words. Hey, I can't focus enough to read right any of this now but I think those wise words got through to me. 777 is a powerful energy. Blurred vision. I will try to read later, I can't sleep or eat anymore, I also keep all passwords in my mind now so it is harder to log in.

I am doing great for what my life is. It isn't perfect in fact it is torture every single day. I hear about secret crushes and stuff and I just don't care it's not happening this year unless by chance. I can't function anymore. I am at my prime physical maturity and they want none of me. Fine. It is them missing out and I have moved passed being concerned about anything sex related. I don't want it. I have realized I am aversive to my life, and that should change.

I want to reconnect with my best friends and get rid of the toxic ones. I have to live every day like it is my last. I don't smoke weed anymore like I'm not buying it ever again. To be honest that shit makes me stupid and addicted. I speak my mind. It has fucked my life too. It's time to be responsible and pass on the grass that personally turns me into a paranoid dumbass. Fuck that shit. Drugs can be deceiving and sometimes the weakest ones can have a powerful detrimental effect. I absolutely fucking hate weed and smoke it specifically because I am addicted to it. I have to quit cold turkey and that is fine. I know that can't kill me.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I have a special purpose on this planet. I am not sure what it is, but I would recommend visiting a graveyard if you are beginning to transcend. You might find yourself quite surprised at what you might see as you develop faith and intuition.

I have been withdrawing for I don't even know how long, but I missed the weekend pretty much. It's the summertime. It totally sucks that once again I am not meeting someone I can do healthy and constructive things with like maybe hiking and tennis and little things my back can handle. Fancy dinners, like at this age I should be dating and working and it is extremely frustrating. I am still in touch with health care, they are just dumber than me to the point that they officially waste my time (no offence, I've seen enough of them).

I guess I just don't sound like myself. I feel like I am the only one who has proud of myself but I also feel that I totally let myself down. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to be incarnated temporarily as a human being on planet earth, it's fuckin awesome dude! If this fucking prescription was just out of mat life. I'm still figuring out how, it is going to probably take a decade. I am down for it. I've been visiting grave sites of lost soldiers, I have seen signs from God (whatever that means to you) who I have full and utmost faith in, more and more over time. I am surrounded by protective spirits, who show me signs and offer guidance. I just have to ask. I am divinely connected enough at this point

All I want is to be tapered off benzo or to a low dose and they have had so much time to do this. The original dose cut was something like 90%. That is not only negligent. It is downright abuse. If a doctor fucks with you, it's time to be courageous and stand up to what they mainly are - highly manipulative drug dealers in fancy white coats. Fuck em all, in fact my doctor wants to have sex with me so I don't really give a fuck. I can tell, my doctor got too deep into this and doesn't know what the fuck is going on. So I find someone else then. And etizolam simply should not exist in this day and age. What the fuck is up with that. One of the major distributors is going to burn to ashes and I don't even have to be involved. They already fucked themselves and I have scientific evidence.

I am putting myself at risk as much as any soldier going to battle would, and for the greater good not just myself. I wish to expose the monstrosity of benzo drugs for what they are, so at least people are aware that they can lead to a whole new world of hell after painkillers, which they are often prescribed to treat. I just cold turkeyed that shit. It's not like it will hurt you. Anyone who wants to try going without painkillers stop taking them for a month what is the worst that can happen if your life is going nowhere which it usually is regardless of back pain. Those drugs are fucked. To be clear, I am being as responsible as possible and thinking things through.

Sorry it is a long post. I haven't smoked pot for the first time in like 3 years. Another withdrawal. Great. It tortures me too. Please send blessings my way I hate to ask, just a thought that I will be okay. I will. I have to maintain responsibility and faith.

Northern girl, the worst part are the sunny days I am missing out on as I simply can't enjoy anything and I do get out as much as possible. Been reconnecting with old friends. Sort of just come to terms with my life situation and how I was dumb enough to let drugs compromise my health, divine purpose in life, and well being.
 
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Snoopy617

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I wrote that last night, and before clicking post, fell asleep.

I am doing much better. My Benzo dependency is finally beginning to show some signs of lower at least a little bit. It will take years.

It will be unfortunate if the doctors fuck me off again, I sense that they are going to. Then I would be left without a Benzo (fuck spell check that word deserves no capital) script and I need to be prepared for that. I need to be independent from these controlling entities that are supposed to be taking care of my health and are not only failing, but making things much worse for me. I feel that I am being abused at this point. I feel like a slave, that is what I have become to them. I am desperately trying to quit, but safely so. It's really easy. I just need triple the dose and begin tapering NOW instead of torturing me since fucking I don't even remember how long. This is basic stuff here folks, most of us here know more than them. To think. Their lives are based on taking care of people and they treat them like garbage, at least me and a lot of you people too by the sounds of it.

Fuck em all. I have a lawyer involved at this point I know there is no legal discussion allowed I am just pointing out that I have been utterly fucked with literally to the point of enslavement. There is no Suboxone or methadone it isn't a choice. I will be fine. I can take care of myself.I can only say this ( my opinion and advice only) . This is what helped me try not to obsess or blame worry etc on anything but urself for it can create even more anxiety ( which was at least my underlying issue to begin with, if I thought doc. Was cutting me off along with the want to

I went against one of the things in life I hold dearest to my heart. Never trust a doctor. Oh well. She wants to fuck me anyway. If she fucks me, I fuck her. haha. It's totally a catch-22 due to complete doctor negligence.

It is such a shame. I could be in the workplace doing just fine and tapering really comfortably if they actually cared or knew basic math. There is just no trust. I may have fucked myself by being honest so please I ask continue to send positive energy my way! I'm fighting for my life and I will damn well win and not only that, get all that I ever wanted or expected and more because nobody can fuck with a young disabled dude like this it's fucking criminal!
I have been addicted to benzos and if read correctly you r saying ur doc. Should taper u off by giving u 3x ur dose and then taper down from, I probably read wrong because that’s ridiculous ( Benzos made me bounce all over the place and I see in ur writing u ( to me at least) are all over the place. It’s not a life sentence and it is not easy and I do understand we r all created different
Wise words. Hey, I can't focus enough to read right any of this now but I think those wise words got through to me. 777 is a powerful energy. Blurred vision. I will try to read later, I can't sleep or eat anymore, I also keep all passwords in my mind now so it is harder to log in.

I am doing great for what my life is. It isn't perfect in fact it is torture every single day. I hear about secret crushes and stuff and I just don't care it's not happening this year unless by chance. I can't function anymore. I am at my prime physical maturity and they want none of me. Fine. It is them missing out and I have moved passed being concerned about anything sex related. I don't want it. I have realized I am aversive to my life, and that should change.

I want to reconnect with my best friends and get rid of the toxic ones. I have to live every day like it is my last. I don't smoke weed anymore like I'm not buying it ever again. To be honest that shit makes me stupid and addicted. I speak my mind. It has fucked my life too. It's time to be responsible and pass on the grass that personally turns me into a paranoid dumbass. Fuck that shit. Drugs can be deceiving and sometimes the weakest ones can have a powerful detrimental effect. I absolutely fucking hate weed and smoke it specifically because I am addicted to it. I have to quit cold turkey and that is fine. I know that can't kill me.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I have a special purpose on this planet. I am not sure what it is, but I would recommend visiting a graveyard if you are beginning to transcend. You might find yourself quite surprised at what you might see as you develop faith and intuition.

I have been withdrawing for I don't even know how long, but I missed the weekend pretty much. It's the summertime. It totally sucks that once again I am not meeting someone I can do healthy and constructive things with like maybe hiking and tennis and little things my back can handle. Fancy dinners, like at this age I should be dating and working and it is extremely frustrating. I am still in touch with health care, they are just dumber than me to the point that they officially waste my time (no offence, I've seen enough of them).

I guess I just don't sound like myself. I feel like I am the only one who has proud of myself but I also feel that I totally let myself down. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to be incarnated temporarily as a human being on planet earth, it's fuckin awesome dude! If this fucking prescription was just out of mat life. I'm still figuring out how, it is going to probably take a decade. I am down for it. I've been visiting grave sites of lost soldiers, I have seen signs from God (whatever that means to you) who I have full and utmost faith in, more and more over time. I am surrounded by protective spirits, who show me signs and offer guidance. I just have to ask. I am divinely connected enough at this point

All I want is to be tapered off benzo or to a low dose and they have had so much time to do this. The original dose cut was something like 90%. That is not only negligent. It is downright abuse. If a doctor fucks with you, it's time to be courageous and stand up to what they mainly are - highly manipulative drug dealers in fancy white coats. Fuck em all, in fact my doctor wants to have sex with me so I don't really give a fuck. I can tell, my doctor got too deep into this and doesn't know what the fuck is going on. So I find someone else then. And etizolam simply should not exist in this day and age. What the fuck is up with that. One of the major distributors is going to burn to ashes and I don't even have to be involved. They already fucked themselves and I have scientific evidence.

I am putting myself at risk as much as any soldier going to battle would, and for the greater good not just myself. I wish to expose the monstrosity of benzo drugs for what they are, so at least people are aware that they can lead to a whole new world of hell after painkillers, which they are often prescribed to treat. I just cold turkeyed that shit. It's not like it will hurt you. Anyone who wants to try going without painkillers stop taking them for a month what is the worst that can happen if your life is going nowhere which it usually is regardless of back pain. Those drugs are fucked. To be clear, I am being as responsible as possible and thinking things through.

Sorry it is a long post. I haven't smoked pot for the first time in like 3 years. Another withdrawal. Great. It tortures me too. Please send blessings my way I hate to ask, just a thought that I will be okay. I will. I have to maintain responsibility and faith.

Northern girl, the worst part are the sunny days I am missing out on as I simply can't enjoy anything and I do get out as much as possible. Been reconnecting with old friends. Sort of just come to terms with my life situation and how I was dumb enough to let drugs compromise my health, divine purpose in life, and well being.
If Doc. May cut u off and u want to taper off now is the time and I’d a Doc is about to cut u or anyone off I think it may be a bad time to ask for more Docs are scared enough to prescribe almost all controlled substances/ narcotics, a lawyer nor a judge can make them treat patients their way! Good luck
 

ShroomySatori

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 24, 2015
Messages
2,936
Location
getting high by the candlelight
I am done talking. I have responded to let actual friends I have talked to for a long time on here that I am alright for now. That is it. Please respect my privacy in these matters, and what I wish to share as it is quite personal and you have a couple of posts.
 

Painful One

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
1,192
Shroomy,

I am so happy to hear from you. Really sad to hear things are going badly still. I have been thinking about you and pulling for you.

Sorry I left abruptly and have not been around for awhile. I have been diagnosed with traumatic brain injury and a white matter brain disease. Most likely MS or Parkinson’s disease. I have not been well and life has been such a struggle.
I have been having major migraine headaches and lots of pain and symptoms. It is terrifying.

I’m struggling and trying to figure out how to manage this the best I can. I just got denied disability benefits again.
I feel lucky to be having my pain, anxiety, and sleep disorder treated at all with medication at this point.

Shroomy, my friend, do you think you could have an illness that is causing you so much anxiety and other symptoms that it keeps driving you to self medicate? The diagnosis I have explains a lot to me. I suspect many are actually attempting to desperately self medicate serious health issues.

I send my love and support and a big hug. You are not alone and you are loved very much.
 

Painful One

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
1,192
Sending prayers out for Shroomy and for all of us whom are suffering and struggling.
I love you friends here very much. ❤

I am attempting to face this health condition with grace and dignity. I really just want to be treated as normally as possible by others.
My health issues have been really bad since December and I just have been down and out for awhile. I have found some medical cannabis strains that help quite a bit and I am doing better now. Stable.

This life is a hard one. We all get things we didn’t deserve or cause. It feels a lot better to me to let go of the anger and hold the light.
Keep your heads up my friends, even if you are loosing ground. I have been shocked at the strength I never knew I had.
I have major respect for all of you guys.

Just keep on keeping on.
 
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