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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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morta9 said:
hi
is any1 on sanctionedsucide forum?i need your help coz i cant log in
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Hey Morta, sorry we can't help you with that other forum, as BL is not associated with it.

If there is anything you'd like to discuss, you are more than welcome to talk about what might be on your mind if you'd like.

There's a lot of great people on this forum who face similar struggles.
 
just my opinion if u like black metal shining and lifelover helps me sometimes if I'm really depressed, not for everyone
 
No. 13 Baby said:
Incorrect, only a functional reward center in the brain can make life worth living
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What's wrong with your reward center? If one thinks that their brain chemistry is off they
should seek psychiatric treatment. Not sure where this comment is coming from.
 
Posted earlier and deleted... didn't take long to come back and write again. Backspaced it, and back again...
^^Once again decided to abort the post and restart. Litterally just keeping track of how many times I've changed my mind...

My soul is tired... Tired of fighting to live when all I want is peace. I live in near daily physical and deep-in-the-gut/emotional sorts of pain, and I'm really just running out of creativity in coming up with reasons to keep moving forward.

One of my best professor's once said, "If you don't remember why you are doing something, then stop and see if anyone notices!" It really works well in a production setting, but I've pretty muched stoped functioning and I'm starting to see that no one would care if I stopped occupying the space I take up.

I recently got rehired into a job that offers me some limitted connection with a small team that I really enjoyed the first time. That was over 2 weeks ago... so far, it's just been me asking when my remote access will be set up so I can actually work. We really, really need the money. And I really, really need the distraction. Now I just wonder if they've done nothing but waste my time (my old boss asked me if I'd be interested at Christmas time...) I'm not feeling like the "data expert" and "savior" they describe me as in emails - just disposable and disappointed.

I've nearly completely stopped cleaning. My husband is the industrious type, and I don't know how much more understanding I can expect him to be... He's suffocating any chance I have at getting through tasks by just always doing everything. What's the point in even being here? He's frustrated that I struggle, but when I used drugs to meet his productivity standards he abandoned me. I don't feel safe anymore, as I've been shown that he has no problem taking and throwing me away when I'm used up... I can't talk to him about my cravings, desire to die.... Nothing is safe, especially if I do manage to get through this and have everything held over my head in court.

The only thing that has kept me going, the only good thing I've ever done, is my baby girl. The thought of leaving her here without protection just splits what's left of my heart into pieces. Mental illness runs rampant in my family, and her dad just doesn't get it... I don't want her to go through the pain of life alone, without a mother. All I can think about is that I wish I killed myself when she was a baby so that she wouldn't know me. He could have easily found someone to take my place... probably still could.

I've been in therapy for around 6 months now (since after the drugs), and made it through CBT, DBT, and EMDR for my complex trauma before getting to harder drugs... None of those skills seem to work when shit really hits the fan, when I can even remember them. I still want to die. That's the only thing that's been there my whole life - knowing it ends.

Lately the pain has been worse. Pregnancy, not drugs ironically, made my teeth begin to crumble apart... I've been in pain for just over 5 years. Today I heard back from the first of many dental groups I've contacted for information, and my heart is broken because there's no way in hell I'll ever come up with $22 grand for surgery. I haven't much time before I won't even be able to eat a salad or smile... I've been waiting for bacteremia to kill me in the meantime with no such luck. What I'm afraid of more than the cost? Being denied pain medication after everything I've been through.

I've decided that if I ever do go through with it, even though I really don't care for opiates, that the best way to go would be boofing an excessive amount of herion (can't do needles) and just nodding away. Clearly don't want to get narcan and wind up a vegatable, but I guess that's the risk you take...

What keeps you guys around? Once I had dreams, but they've all hit the ground. I have therapy tomorrow, and I know I just have to make it until then... I just know that when I feel this bad it's impossible to get real sleep, and it's going to be a long 17 hours... I feel better just writing it all out to some degree, but I worry how much more resilience I can eek out.

TLDR: I'm sad, probably going to survive even though it doesn't feel like it, thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
 
NeverHaddaChance said:
The only thing that has kept me going, the only good thing I've ever done, is my baby girl. The thought of leaving her here without protection just splits what's left of my heart into pieces.
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I'd say that's a pretty good reason to stick around. Sorry I don't have better advice right now.
 
NeverHaddaChance said:
One of my best professor's once said, "If you don't remember why you are doing something, then stop and see if anyone notices!" It really works well in a production setting, but I've pretty muched stoped functioning and I'm starting to see that no one would care if I stopped occupying the space I take up.
Click to expand...

Sorry noone replied sooner, lol, we noticed though! You know yourself it's just a phrase that holds some ground in reality, but you shouldn't make it your own. I think you had no trouble listing your biggest reason to keep going forward, but don't do it just for her, you deserve some recognition yourself too.

I don't think your former employer contacted you for nothing, sounds like a messy operation though, I think they need you more than you realize. ;) What if you just dropped a message about coming in next week to check up on them? This way you at least know where you're at, you can't stay in limbo forever about it, especially not when you want to work and need some money. That sounds like motivation to me btw, which I don't have.

I'm not gonna comment on your husband much, but it actually sounds like leaving you over drugs and him taking stuff out of your hands is his way of caring for you, he might mean well? I dunno, lol, it's hard to gauge from just a small paragraph, but don't be too hard on him either for not understanding mental illness or depression, you have to experience it to understand it really.

NeverHaddaChance said:
What keeps you guys around?
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That's pretty damn hard to answer, lol. Can I get back to you on that? =D

TLDR: I'm sad, probably going to survive even though it doesn't feel like it, thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
Click to expand...

It wasn't too long, I read it all, then went back and read it again. It was a pretty short ted talk tbh, but I'm glad you're probably going to survive!

How was the therapy btw?
 
NeverHaddaChance said:
Posted earlier and deleted... didn't take long to come back and write again. Backspaced it, and back again...
^^Once again decided to abort the post and restart. Litterally just keeping track of how many times I've changed my mind...

My soul is tired... Tired of fighting to live when all I want is peace. I live in near daily physical and deep-in-the-gut/emotional sorts of pain, and I'm really just running out of creativity in coming up with reasons to keep moving forward.

One of my best professor's once said, "If you don't remember why you are doing something, then stop and see if anyone notices!" It really works well in a production setting, but I've pretty muched stoped functioning and I'm starting to see that no one would care if I stopped occupying the space I take up.

I recently got rehired into a job that offers me some limitted connection with a small team that I really enjoyed the first time. That was over 2 weeks ago... so far, it's just been me asking when my remote access will be set up so I can actually work. We really, really need the money. And I really, really need the distraction. Now I just wonder if they've done nothing but waste my time (my old boss asked me if I'd be interested at Christmas time...) I'm not feeling like the "data expert" and "savior" they describe me as in emails - just disposable and disappointed.

I've nearly completely stopped cleaning. My husband is the industrious type, and I don't know how much more understanding I can expect him to be... He's suffocating any chance I have at getting through tasks by just always doing everything. What's the point in even being here? He's frustrated that I struggle, but when I used drugs to meet his productivity standards he abandoned me. I don't feel safe anymore, as I've been shown that he has no problem taking and throwing me away when I'm used up... I can't talk to him about my cravings, desire to die.... Nothing is safe, especially if I do manage to get through this and have everything held over my head in court.

The only thing that has kept me going, the only good thing I've ever done, is my baby girl. The thought of leaving her here without protection just splits what's left of my heart into pieces. Mental illness runs rampant in my family, and her dad just doesn't get it... I don't want her to go through the pain of life alone, without a mother. All I can think about is that I wish I killed myself when she was a baby so that she wouldn't know me. He could have easily found someone to take my place... probably still could.

I've been in therapy for around 6 months now (since after the drugs), and made it through CBT, DBT, and EMDR for my complex trauma before getting to harder drugs... None of those skills seem to work when shit really hits the fan, when I can even remember them. I still want to die. That's the only thing that's been there my whole life - knowing it ends.

Lately the pain has been worse. Pregnancy, not drugs ironically, made my teeth begin to crumble apart... I've been in pain for just over 5 years. Today I heard back from the first of many dental groups I've contacted for information, and my heart is broken because there's no way in hell I'll ever come up with $22 grand for surgery. I haven't much time before I won't even be able to eat a salad or smile... I've been waiting for bacteremia to kill me in the meantime with no such luck. What I'm afraid of more than the cost? Being denied pain medication after everything I've been through.

I've decided that if I ever do go through with it, even though I really don't care for opiates, that the best way to go would be boofing an excessive amount of herion (can't do needles) and just nodding away. Clearly don't want to get narcan and wind up a vegatable, but I guess that's the risk you take...

What keeps you guys around? Once I had dreams, but they've all hit the ground. I have therapy tomorrow, and I know I just have to make it until then... I just know that when I feel this bad it's impossible to get real sleep, and it's going to be a long 17 hours... I feel better just writing it all out to some degree, but I worry how much more resilience I can eek out.

TLDR: I'm sad, probably going to survive even though it doesn't feel like it, thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
Click to expand...
I dont know what has kept me together this long other than, perhaps, determinism.
 
d-nihl said:
Hey guys, hope everyones doing okay! Little background on me: Have been a heroin user for the past 6 years, hopping on and off from Subs and diesel, and even when I use very small amounts of suboxone, and or go on a 2 day dope bingem when I stop taking everything the withdrawals are quite unbearable, and it really starts making me go crazy, as if just ending it all would be such a relief to all this pain.
Will that horrible feeling ever go away? I have some weed and Xanax but I can never make it past the 2nd day and that's when the dark thoughts start clouding my mind.

I should really be feeling better by the 3-4th day for sure, am I correct? its mainly the restless legs that drive me mad. I cant tell if im just being a bitch about it or im just that mentally week, but for some reason I just cant mentally handle it.

Any tips would be appreciated on how to mentally break through this barrier. Im gonna start working out and eating well, with hot baths and shit and hopefully that will help. we'll see.
how can I mentally distract myself, and convert all the negativity to more positive thinking

- d-nihl
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Definitely a detox my guy and actually fucking stay dual diagnosis when you are sober for 30 days meds are going to be able to get you where you need to be I have
 
'support' doesn't seem like the correct word. Makes me think of Jack Kevorkian.
 
I see you woke up today, so that's good. ;)
Audiobook said:
Basically I am going to die alone because of my fucking aspergers and shyness
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I have been having this same feeling for a long while, this stuff plagues not only autistic people though, you're not alone in that at least. Being autistic and shy af isn't helping either though, I know, lol. Thing is, you have to try, try and keep trying. Even though it's tiresome and scary and anxiety inducing, you'll never get anywhere by not taking chances and not doing anything.

Unconditional love from a pet always helps in times like this, so keep cuddling with her, keep going out and making walks with her, good way to meet people too.
 
I'm not trying to be a dick but we all die alone even if we're in a relationship, I'm in no relationship but I know i will die alone i have 2 dead ex girlfriends only women I ever loved is dead... it use to really bother me but I've came to understanding we all die alone I'm not trying to make anyone feel like shit just my 2 cents... the only thing promised in life is death...
 
o my bad I didn't want to trigger anyone sry about that on my post that got deleted, selfemudlate is not the way to go you'll end up with gnarly scars.... sorry about that mods n anyone who read that😖
 
Audiobook said:
Well I have been off my antidepressant (Trintellix) for about a week due to insurance shit and now the thoughts of suicide and cutting myself over little shit that will not matter in a week are coming back.

I seriously hate being alive.
Click to expand...

Do you have a doctor or psych you can talk to?
 
Audiobook said:
Well I have been off my antidepressant (Trintellix) for about a week due to insurance shit and now the thoughts of suicide and cutting myself over little shit that will not matter in a week are coming back.

I seriously hate being alive.
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Dear AB,
We love you, and we really need you here with us, so please stay. I would be so honored if you would send me a PM so that maybe you and I can look at some new ideas for you.
From all of us at Bluelight,
pb ♥
 
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