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⫸STICKY⫷ The Suicide Support Thread

chinup

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you're right. but without dreams for the future, i've got nothing but light and dark, and thats what i've got to give up.

i've literally found myself thinking 'maybe it wouldn't be so bad to default on all my bills and end up homeless if it means i can keep this going as long as possible' but if i end up homeless i can't make the money i need to buy enough crack to make it bearable, i need absolute minimum 200 a day. argh fuck fuck fuck.

i don't understand why i can be so fed up with my existence and yet now i've put myself in a position where i have to give it up i just wanna die. its the insanity of addiction. i know i wouldn't feel suicidal at all if i could just use use use and i was hoping i could hold out till this money came through so i could do that but things deteriorated too fast.

also i'm scared shitless about what diseases i've given myself, for thirty fucking quid extra. i've purposely not found out cos i'm so afraid.

i can't do months and months craving and not using and in pain. for fucks sake when i smashed my elbow as soon as the morphine didn't touch the pain i decided i wanted to die knowing the pain i was in for then. and a smashed elbow. i can do intellectually difficult stuff but not emotionally difficult and this is too fucking much. i've even considered plugging shit to take into rehab but i'll get tested.
 

freesolo123

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Jul 13, 2018
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495
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UK
Try to treat yourself like someone who you are looking after, like a friend if that makes sense. Ask yourself what advice would you give to someone you cared about who was in your exact same position. and follow it.

We often care more about others than we do ourselves i know personally I would never enable someone to get into the bad situation i'm in because it would be bad for them yet I do it to myself, are behavior makes little sense at times due to drugs and other issues.
 

chinup

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i've heard that advice before and i'd never let anyone hurt. but people who HAVE been helping me when i'm in this state, i've always manipulated them into letting me use, even getting them to give me the money. and i'd do the same for someone else cos chances are they'd share their stash.

i am well better at convincing other people life isn't shit but i've stopped interacting with real life people because either i can't stand them or i can't stand myself so much that i can't be around people i consider nice, or who care about me. even now at my parents i sit in my room as much as possible. i have work i'm supposed to be doing so good excuse.

i honestly feel like i'm losing my mind.

i've just stolen my cancer drugs. even with the benzos, i feel guilty. also how the fuck can i think of leaving my mum when my dad has cancer? i promised her i'd look after her in old age and thats kept me from suicide so many times but i'm gone. me the person is gone. maybe i should just take my parents with me but then my sister would have to suffer and she's a really good person.

fucks sake i'm crying now.
 

freesolo123

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Jul 13, 2018
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UK
The fact you feel guilt says you are a good person, there is not a heroin/crack addict alive who has not manipulated and lied to the people they love and its good that you recognise that too as it shows that you have a conscience.

addicts like us are extremely frustrating people and we often feel overwhelmed and frustrated with ourself, to a outsider it looks as simple as just stop taking the drug but you know its not that simple and there is so much more to it.

Maybe try to get some sleep, I would avoid alcohol it always makes us do irrational thing at least with me it does.

look after yourself
 

chinup

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i'm just taking what i can get cos i'm at my parents. i'd be find at home cos i could just have some gear.

you speak a lot of truth.

this is the first time i've stolen other than from big shops for food, as a girl if you've been raped as many times as i have you don't really give a shit about selling your body so i don't need to steal in general. i'm going to have to deal with that pain which i know never goes away because even just thinking about it makes me want to scream and scream and scream forever. this is the sort of shit i need rehab for. but it would be wrong for it to ever stop hurting, so i have to always hurt.

the outsider view has always got to me. a lot of my friends don't know and what i've heard them say about junkies has upset me badly and made me hate myself.

i'm sorry i'm clearly battered now. i should try to sleep and to be honest i don't understand how I'm not given my low tolerance to the cocktail of downers i've taken but after writing what i just did i feel near hysterical. my mums gone to bed so i can raid alcohol now. i'm really really trying not to steal any more of my dads codeine cos thats just so fucking low.
 

herbavore

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Chinup, I don't think I have ever read anything as upsetting as "if you've been raped as many times as I have you don't really give a shit about selling your body". I am so sorry that you have had to experience the worst, not once but multiple times. I'm not sure what you meant by "it would be wrong for it to ever stop hurting" but here's what I thought you meant when I read it: if it were to stop hurting it would mean that you had so successfully walled off your emotions that it could no longer hurt. Your assessment that ays "have to hurt" in some ways then is a courageous statement that you will not trade being emotionally dead for a false relief. If this is not what you meant...my apologies.

I was assaulted once and the hurt from that has reverberated through my long life but it has certainly carried less severe repercussions over time and with a good amount of therapy. Sometimes there is no way out of pain besides going deep into it and that can be the scariest thing in the world. But the truth is that the longer you run from that fear (facing the enormity of the hurt) the more damage you do to yourself. There is rarely a cure for trauma like that but there are strategies and tools that can help you take your life back. I do not know where you live or what your circumstances are but I hope that you can find some help somewhere for the trauma you have experienced. You do not deserve to go through life paying for the heinous acts of others.<3
 

chinup

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just saw ths herbavore and thanks.

i mean that some things are just painful, and its not a health emotional reaction not to care. how can a human being not be brought screaming to their knees by that without having lost some of their essential humanity?

this is my cross to bear and i have been hiding it with drugs but that just caused my pain and more sexual viiolence. i know i need to learn to cope with whats happened without drugs, because drugs took away my humanity too.
 

admirer

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
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1
I often fantasize about suicide.

I'm 18, I have no job (I like to draw, I make a little money off my commissions but not enough to support myself on my own.) I live with my mom, I dropped out of highschool, no GED, nothing.

I'm so far behind on life and everytime someone mentions the future I can't see anything. I dont't see myself going anywhere and then the question comes up in my head of I'm even still here. Why am I around? Why do I stay? I feel very emotionally messed up, unloveable, I hate my body, I hate who I am. I cling to abusive men in my life, narcissists mostly. I'm pretty sure that's partly my father's fault. He abused me emotionally for a year in 2016 and we haven't spoken since. I don't know if I've ever gotten this off my chest but he once told me I'd end up being a school shooter and another time he came in and threw my stuff around and drew all over my drawings I had just finished.

My mom is a different story. She's a felon and a recovering addict. I've watched her go through so many struggles and I've sat by her all this time but I am dependent on her and I fear I will never ever leave my state. I hate it here but the fear of what's out there keeps me away from leaving. I'm so stuck, I feel incredibly lost, I want a hug pretty effing badly and to top I'm just unsure on what to do. This is my first post here but for some reason I felt compelled to write this up. I'm sorry if it's all over the place I'm a little shaky and it's pretty late here. I just need to get this off my chest.

I also know this doesn't have anything to do with pills or anything but truthfully I was offered some tonight and I nearly took the person up on their offer and that terrified me because I've never done that, they were my mother's drug of choice and I've loathed them but I almost did, it's how I found this forum. I hope this was okay to post. If you've read all of this, thank you for listening to me. I'm too scared to discuss this openly with close friends.


edit: I had a very extensive conversation with my best friend and I'm okay for now. I'm going to save any replies that you guys may or may not post for the next time I'm having a breakdown. Thank you guys again.
 
Last edited:

sigmond

Bluelight Crew
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Mar 21, 2015
Messages
3,233
I was only able to leaf through this book though it seemed a thorough and valuable book regarding the complex ways trauma manifests itself in the human body.



So at this point I have basically become a perpetually suicidal person. Its been a long time since I went through a whole day without thinking of suicide. I fight it and try to make it to sleep which allows me to refresh a bit until the same thoughts, ruminations, return to trouble me again. Its an infuriating and senseless cycle that thus far I've been unable to remove myself from. Klonopin has been helpful but I cannot find a prescriber. I know all the tools but have been unable to get them to work. mini-ramble..


anyway, stay strong my fellow bluelighters! lets all hope that greater things have yet to come! :)
 

cowardescent

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 29, 2017
Messages
182
I was always anti-drug but used it as a coping mechanism for my suicidal/homicidal thoughts. It started with my first beer around March of 2017 when I was 18. suprisingly, most people find/found me pleasant on alcohola long with benzos, nicotine, codeine. I don't make a mess of myself.

The only issue here is that it led me to sell my stuff. Now totally broke.

I attempted suicide by drinking 1 litre of antifreeze throughout the week but It didn't have any (apparent) effects on my body. Bought a second one to drink and my mother took it away thinking it was alcohol.
 

madness00

Moderator: NMI, MH, CD
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Aug 8, 2018
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New England
I've never attempted, but i know if i did it would be the end.

Just woke up like this, and can't fight the feeling.

Bipolar, living in a shelter, broke, no friends, no loves, family distant, no drugs, no motivation, chronic tooth pain, shitty weather, shitty life.

Chronic boredom is what gets me as well. It's such an uncomfortable feeling.

I want to cry, but i don't think i can. Bottled up emotions.

I know i will end up killing myself, people with BP are 5x more likely. IDK what i'm waiting for. The only thing keeping me going is potentially getting out of the shelter so i can order drugs to my door step and shoot up until i pass out. That's what i'm living for. Love would be nice, but it seems so impossible to maintain. I always take it for granted when i have someone who loves me. I can't even reciprocate.

Just woke up like this. Writing feels good.
 

madness00

Moderator: NMI, MH, CD
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I often fantasize about suicide.

I'm 18, I have no job (I like to draw, I make a little money off my commissions but not enough to support myself on my own.) I live with my mom, I dropped out of highschool, no GED, nothing.

I'm so far behind on life and everytime someone mentions the future I can't see anything. I dont't see myself going anywhere and then the question comes up in my head of I'm even still here. Why am I around? Why do I stay? I feel very emotionally messed up, unloveable, I hate my body, I hate who I am. I cling to abusive men in my life, narcissists mostly. I'm pretty sure that's partly my father's fault. He abused me emotionally for a year in 2016 and we haven't spoken since. I don't know if I've ever gotten this off my chest but he once told me I'd end up being a school shooter and another time he came in and threw my stuff around and drew all over my drawings I had just finished.

My mom is a different story. She's a felon and a recovering addict. I've watched her go through so many struggles and I've sat by her all this time but I am dependent on her and I fear I will never ever leave my state. I hate it here but the fear of what's out there keeps me away from leaving. I'm so stuck, I feel incredibly lost, I want a hug pretty effing badly and to top I'm just unsure on what to do. This is my first post here but for some reason I felt compelled to write this up. I'm sorry if it's all over the place I'm a little shaky and it's pretty late here. I just need to get this off my chest.

I also know this doesn't have anything to do with pills or anything but truthfully I was offered some tonight and I nearly took the person up on their offer and that terrified me because I've never done that, they were my mother's drug of choice and I've loathed them but I almost did, it's how I found this forum. I hope this was okay to post. If you've read all of this, thank you for listening to me. I'm too scared to discuss this openly with close friends.


edit: I had a very extensive conversation with my best friend and I'm okay for now. I'm going to save any replies that you guys may or may not post for the next time I'm having a breakdown. Thank you guys again.
Welcome to Bluelight admirer. You are not alone, and i'm glad your friend helped you.
 

clowns

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 24, 2018
Messages
1
Hi all. I'm planning my overdose for tomorrow, can't take living in pain my doc gives me weak co-dydramol so saved some up to take. Will pack my room up tomorrow so it's all clean and go out to the woods.

Seem an out of hours GP yesterday for my spinal pain and told her I was feeling suicidal she just wasn't interested
 

herbavore

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Unbelievable that the GP you saw yesterday simply ignored you when you said you felt suicidal. That is horrible and no doubt increased the feelings of hopelessness a hundredfold. I am so sorry. Chronic pain has a way of taking all joy out of life and I know that it can be frustrating to keep trying new approaches but it really does come down to that. Do you have family near you or family that you are close to emotionally?
 

Mafioso

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I just heard a story from a dopey podcast about these two friends who had a dealer who never wanted to be seen. Finally, when they saw him, he only had half a face, basically, and whatever attempt at reconstructive surgery. When one of the two friends asked the guy why he attempted suicide, as they were getting high together, he said it was because he could no longer stand to live with the struggle of opioid addiction, so he decided to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

When he woke up, he said he just remembers everything being wet and his eyes were so blurry he couldn't see. he was just trying to wipe to wetness away so he could see, and at that point he started to realize it was blood. Blood because he had just shot himself in the face and part of his brain.

He said at that moment, when he realized he had failed, he was left with nothing but regret, and that none of it was worth killing himself over, and all he wanted to do was live at that moment. Sadly, he died years later, after a fall down stairs while high, and due to his condition, was extremely vulnerable and died.
 

Oleander

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 20, 2019
Messages
47
Hi everyone. Hope this gets seen as this is a large thread but I’ll try posting it anyways.

I’ve been trying to get clean for almost 5 years now and have been to rehab 8 times. This year I had 5 months clean until the middle of June where I relapsed (again) and have been using basically everyday since then. I’ve had suicide attempts in the past and have been hospitalized twice for them. And this year has been especially hard, including this relapse, and it’s bringing me down again. Tomorrow I’m going to use up the rest of my stuff and try detoxing again but I’m afraid I’ll give in an use again. What I’m trying to say is that the more I relapse and use, and have unsuccessful attempts at getting clean again, I start thinking about just giving up completely and ending it because it seems easier than having to keep doing this. I’m supposed to be moving in a couple of weeks across the country to live with my mom and it’s all I’ve been looking forward to for months and if I’m not clean, I won’t be able to live there. And she will know right away if I’ve been using, even if the track marks won’t give it away. How do I tell myself to keep going and not give up? It seems so hard sometimes and that I can’t go on anymore. But the times I have tried doing it obviously didn’t work, and I don’t want to do it and it not work again, and I go to the hospital where it makes me more depressed being there, and they will drug test me and I’ll come up positive, and my grandma who I live with will find out. I just need some help please. Thanks
 

nuttynutskin

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May 15, 2011
Messages
8,385
Tomorrow I’m going to use up the rest of my stuff and try detoxing again but I’m afraid I’ll give in an use again. What I’m trying to say is that the more I relapse and use, and have unsuccessful attempts at getting clean again, I start thinking about just giving up completely and ending it because it seems easier than having to keep doing this.
Might as well try again shouldn't you? Just because you haven't succeeded yet doesn't mean you won't.
 

Mafioso

Moderator: TDS
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What I’m trying to say is that the more I relapse and use, and have unsuccessful attempts at getting clean again, I start thinking about just giving up completely and ending it because it seems easier than having to keep doing this.
Learn to fall forward. Every failed attempt is not a failure, it is a learning experience and thus, the path to success. I'd suggest looking into Gorski's 10 phases and 37 signs of relapse, as it is a valuable tool to start to turn these failures into learning experiences by recognizing these signs and the patterns, thoughts, and behaviors within yourself.
How do I tell myself to keep going and not give up?
True failure is only when you give up. If you are still trying, you haven't failed yet. Keep trying and you will never fail; learn from your mistakes and you will learn to succeed.
 
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