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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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Hello welcome I am new and I guess they limit what we can post however I really hope to get to talk with you about this subject as it’s one I know all to well and now at 33 years old I believe that I have finally gotten my own Suicidal thoughts under control not to say I don’t have any I do, but I learned how to push them out of my mind and not let them effect me as I use to get lost in them in the deepest depression. however about 8 moths ago I was put in a phy hospital and that’s when everything started to change for me I learned that for some people they can have suicidal thoughts and not be suicidal thoughts but not be suicidal, and people live happily with this,, that came as a shock to me . Because I first attempted suicide when I was eight years old and I pretty much prayed for death every single day after that. my childhood was pretty horrible into my adult life they were parts where things were OK and I didn’t really have those thoughts much then a lot of really horrible things happened one of my friends killed her self at my house and I had to find their body.

when I was in a car accident that almost killed myself and my daughter my ex-husband used this time while I was in a coma to get Temporary custody and court has been put off for over two years. he has not allowed me to see her or visit with her. he kicked me out of her’s hospital room the day they were going to wake her from her, so she would never know that I was there holding your hand rubbing her hair for over two weeks this definitely caused spiral of horrible depression. but it was made so much worse because I have convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. however when I went to the psychiatric unit I started to open my eyes , I realized that actually there was really nothing wrong with me. everything that I was feeling everything that I was thinking was completely normal given the situations that I was dealing with and threw that in finding out that do you do early childhood trauma people can live with suicidal thoughts and not be suicidal.

I started learning a bit more into that and I started working for it when the thoughts would come I would not give them any time or it knowledge meant I would push it aside and say that it’s not my thought And over the last eight months they have become less and less and less I am now happy even though things still aren’t great, even though I lost everything. I lost my home because my friend killed her self in it and I couldn’t live there after that and then I lost my brand new $30,000 Chevy to verse it was totaled in the car accident and I was millions of dollars in medical. and over the last eight months they become less and less and less I am now happy even though things still aren’t great even though I lost everything I lost my home because my friend killed her self in it and I couldn’t live there after that and then I lost my brand new $30,000 Chevy to verse it was totaled in the car accident and I was millions of dollars in medical that debt however now I live my life with the other three children and now that I have stop thinking that there something wrong with me I live every day happily the thought still come but I don’t acknowledge them I don’t give them power and they no longer control or consume my life and because of that and because of being able to be happy and see the good things I still have I believe that I am in a better place now than I ever have been I don’t know if this will help anybody but I surely hope it does because overall the lesson of this message would be to not give up hope and even though you have these thoughts you can take the power back from
 
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Moonstar, it sounds like you have been through a lot but still managed to come out stronger. Thanks for sharing your positive attitude!<3
 
Moonstar, it sure sounds like you have come a long way, very impressive and it does make me at least a little bit more optimistic. I can also somewhat relate to how you said you can "push it aside and say that it's not my thought". In contrast to some years ago I know without a doubt that I want to live, so that gives me some perspective when these old thought patterns re-emerge. They are just that, unconstructive thought patterns not a manifestation of what I really want.
 
^When I have those thoughts, I ask myself, "what does need to die(from my life)?" Maybe some part of my life is just not right and I have been ignoring it or worse, thinking there is no way out.
 
Strong work by you Moonstar <3

I have been struggling for a while now. Under involuntary commitment since a week and two days. Came in highly hallucinating and on benzos. My family don't want me to come home since I'm in such a bad shape. Ends up with me wrecking and throwing the furniture about and then they put me in the belt bed (not sure of the English name for it). I simply don't want to be here. The days are so long and the nights so lonely. My daughter who lives with my sister was here on sunday to visit and doesn't know how to behave around me anymore, so she ends up barely making eye contact with me but talks to the others. It does sting.
 
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Rebelmania, I am so sorry that you are in such a situation. I was in a psychiatric hospital just recently. I went there on my own volition though which makes a lot of a difference I guess. Still it was a scary experience. Sending you good thoughts <3

Herbavore, that is an interesting way to look at it, definitely something to think about. Thank you.
 
Best wishes rebel, moonstar, and all others dealing with these situations.

How are you doing rebel? Are they detoxing you off the benzos?

Have you been experiencing the hallucinations? Abusing benzos? It sounds like you have some support from the family, that is always useful.

I greatly disliked my stay in the psych ward, but know that it can be overcome and it is a good time for reflection and figuring out what parts of life to alter. Just try and remember to stay calm, the quickest way out is to behave within their rules (which can be quite difficult in these circumstances).
 
JahSEEuS, I am doing decently. Clean from any drugs except the Clomethiazole which I take 900 mg two times a day. I got the hallucinations from taking an unknown psychedelic during a benzo binge. Just lucky to be alive to be honest, have some issues with the heart since and did a few ECGs and an UCG. Tachycardic all the time. I wish I got to go home but doctor says I need to show I can behave myself for a week before they let me go. They don't really want to let me home but rather to a treatment facility, which I personally don't want. I am lucky to have my family. Thanks for asking <3
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Yw <3. Seems you have a good head on.


You have no idea what psych it was? Do you know where it came from? Benzo's scare the shit out of me, because I have lost control once or twice when mixing with alcohol and ended up having some very regretful moments. I find it easier to deal with stress and anxiety without them tbh. They just seem to be more trouble than they are worth and rebound anxiety and all that, plus horrible withdrawal.
 
Yep, no idea what it was. They sent off urine samples so I guess I'll see if they find anything. Benzos are scary shit tbh, what you describe is exactly what happens to me. Every time. I start with one and end up with a black-out during which I've done all kinds of shit I normally wouldn't while constantly redosing.
 
Benzos are fucking scary, I almost drowned a few years ago because I blacked out and collapsed off a dock.
 
Glad that you survived, that's insane. I wish they weren't so attractive to me, for some reason that I don't know. I black out every time and just do stupid shit. No euphoria that I can remember. I keep clean for like 2-3 weeks and that's when I start forgetting all the shit I've just gone through, in combination with being bored with life I get myself some benzos again. Been clean almost 3 weeks now since I'm sectioned but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been checking out different RC shops every day.
 
That's the thing. No euphoria? Sure it's nice to make you forget your worries, but if your worries are for a reason than you're better off dealing with them anyways.

Yea that blackout problem is a thing. I watched my cousin pop klonopin after klonopin. Even after telling him that I just watched him eat 9 in the past 3 hours he told me, "No, I haven't had any yet." Then popped some more... Shuffling around like a zombie. It was awful to watch one of the most intelligent, able-bodied, humorous, individuals I knew reduced to a drooling, shuffling, asshole.
 
What you described there is exactly what my sister described me like when I'm on benzo. I myself think I appear sober and clear but I'm really a shuffling zombie. I once took 300 mg of midazolam, like why would anyone do that? No reason I can think of, it just made me black out for several days.
 
Hi, made an account to make this post.
I've been suffering from depression for about 6 years. I'm 22 now and on 100mg of sertraline. I'm starting University next month since I managed to get a spot to study pharmaceutics in Berlin. I thought getting a study place and quitting my drug habit (between 400-800mg Tilidin a day for 1 1/2 years) would get me on the path of feeling better. I did feel slightly better when I quit a little over a month ago and got better and better day by day. My Dad has been back from Rehab since last week and it's been very bad. I've gotten back on Tilidin again at 800mg for 7 days now and along with it 2gr of Phenibut a day. My dad beats me and I sort of forgot how bad it was when he was gone the last months. I feel incredibly suicidal since I'm scared of all the withdrawals and not balancing out in time for my studies aswell as a general feeling of being broken beyond repair. I hate myself for letting my dad make me feel this way. It's like somewhere deep inside I'm looking for an excuse to take drugs. I don't have the money to move out and I feel very desperate. The only thing that gets me to sleep at night is the thought that I have taken alot of CNS Depressants at once and that I might not wake up. Its my daily highlight. In the end I really only have two questions. Is my life as fucked as I think it is and is suicide the only sensible way out of feeling this way and how bad will the Phenibut WDs be. I dont know if this is the right board or not. I feel to mixed up to get anything right today.
hopefully my last post I'll ever make,
Tweek
 
Tweek, first off - welcome here. Please do not kill yourself. There is always a solution other than that. It might not seem so but there is. The basic truth about life is that everything changes, so will this state that you are in. Your father sounds horrible, you are not weak for feeling bad over your father treating you like that. It's your father who should be ashamed. Maybe you could take 1 gr of phenibut for a few days and then half a gram so you ease into it. After just a week I don't think the WD would be horrible but best be safe, especially when you are this vulnerable. When your Uni program starts (congratulations on being accepted!), do you get better economical means then? Hugs and <3 /rebel
 
Sircriesalot, I think if you could get away from home (your Dad) and go to school things may get easier. On the other hand it is very difficult to make a transition like that even with the full support of your family so I imagine it will be rougher for you. Just keep encouraging yourself that you worked hard for this spot and now you are going to take it. Whatever happens in the future is not worth worrying about now--just stay focused on getting stable and getting to Berlin.

There are lots of people here that can lend you support so I hope this is not your last post.:(<3
 
This past week I had to think a lot about suicide again and felt generally depressed. So yesterday I went to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do, now I am prescribed an antidepressant. Not thrilled about that, I really dislike the thought of having to take such medication, but what can you do... Today I do feel better, but only slightly, I hope this will improve further in the next days. Depression sucks. :\
 
tokezu, I hope the pills will work for you. I try to think of my psych-meds like pain meds, necessary. Depression sucks, I agree. Would much rather be rid of it. Days will be up and some days down but hopefully the pills will stabilize you.
 
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