I feel like a pussy. I have increasingly valid thoughts as to why being dead is more pleasant than being in my current situation. I'm not addicted to anything, minus a slight tendency to go overboard with dexamphetamine (that is only a once-a-month kick, even if that). I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not. I'm trying to make it apparent that the feeling of living just isn't clicking in me.
I'm a student of pharmtox at a reputable university, so i do a lot of chemistry on a daily basis. About a year ago, i went through a massive depression, and when i came out the other side, i felt the joys of being alive but still saw the shadow that all the happy things left in their wake. I'm no stranger to antidepressants and antipsychotics- they're the reason that I've been in inspired to go to college for pharmacology- and after being on A therapeutic regiment, I know they're not the cause of this apathy. If anything, they intensified it. All of the interesting things I want to do are stifled by reality and the bureaucratic bullshit that comes with it.
I can almost pinpoint the feeling of apathy, paradoxically enough- I can feel it from the whole of humanity suffering. How dysfunctional we are. fuckin sucks the life right out of me. Makes me want to OD on some nice warm drugs on a nice warm beach somewhere in the tropics after maxing out my credit cards. I don't expect to find any reason to keep going on, living an unpleasant life where I'm constantly unhappy. As priveliged as I am, and I say that... pathetic. Apathetic, even.
I'm not looking for sympathy- I've got no clue what the fuck I'm looking for. I'm sure theres no afterlife, so I can't say that suicide is bad- I've got proof life will keep going long after I'm gone. i guess I'm looking for empathy, among my people... my fellow stoners, junkies, tweakers, baseheads. collectively you've seen more than any one man can fathom, so maybe you can answer this- what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
I'm a student of pharmtox at a reputable university, so i do a lot of chemistry on a daily basis. About a year ago, i went through a massive depression, and when i came out the other side, i felt the joys of being alive but still saw the shadow that all the happy things left in their wake. I'm no stranger to antidepressants and antipsychotics- they're the reason that I've been in inspired to go to college for pharmacology- and after being on A therapeutic regiment, I know they're not the cause of this apathy. If anything, they intensified it. All of the interesting things I want to do are stifled by reality and the bureaucratic bullshit that comes with it.
I can almost pinpoint the feeling of apathy, paradoxically enough- I can feel it from the whole of humanity suffering. How dysfunctional we are. fuckin sucks the life right out of me. Makes me want to OD on some nice warm drugs on a nice warm beach somewhere in the tropics after maxing out my credit cards. I don't expect to find any reason to keep going on, living an unpleasant life where I'm constantly unhappy. As priveliged as I am, and I say that... pathetic. Apathetic, even.
I'm not looking for sympathy- I've got no clue what the fuck I'm looking for. I'm sure theres no afterlife, so I can't say that suicide is bad- I've got proof life will keep going long after I'm gone. i guess I'm looking for empathy, among my people... my fellow stoners, junkies, tweakers, baseheads. collectively you've seen more than any one man can fathom, so maybe you can answer this- what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?