The Suicide Support Thread

Smoky

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I was just sitting here thinking and read @BostonBrownTown wrote and I realized something. I never really expect to "get better". I still don't know what that is. Ever since the day I went to the hospital and the social wrustr saw my wrist I don't really have words like postive or can do or acaccomplishments in future things. I don't see a future for me, just another year I have to try and survive. That lady when she saw me the look on her face was so hurtful and she asked me if I thought it was normal. I don't go out or am very social so I said I thought maybe some people did think about it but not act upon it. She then told me no, that is not normal, no one thinks that way, and that the way I think isn't normal. She then blasted me with all these mental illnesses and away I went. I mean even the lady who is lisenced and hired to help people told me so, so what am I really working towards? I was told by my parents I was never really a happy child. So I don't get how some people wake up and are so happy, so positive, seems like nothing can knock them down. Maybe it's hope or trying to fullfill a dream of theirs. I realized now a long time ago I choose how all this was going to end. I'm just in constant confusion, every time I keep thinking to what that lady said. If I didn't think I would end up in that very hospital again, I prob would of never been here to find this site. They always ask if you currently have a plan to end it all. I say no cause I'm not going back there, but there always is a plan. And so I say good luck to those who have and dreams that guide them everyday to get better. For me unfortunately it ends two ways that I see, evenually behind federal prison or my way........
Hi. I wouldn't take to heart what that lady said. A professional should never ask a client/patient such an absurd question. She is misinformed.
We are all here together, fellow travelers moving around on this planet… and deserve the best. Seemed like her response to you was fear based and not coming from love or understanding but from a pathologizing place.
Diagnosing is limited and creates more separation from others, it can act as a self fulfilling prophecy. I am 'this' - what someone else thinks about ME. Not true, labeling sees individual as a problem needing to be fixed, not as human being…

Thoughts can be horrible, what arises, but they don't define who we are ime. I thought life would end in one way or another. I even had a death card read to me with 2 roads on the back side. Well, here I am … years later, never 'thought' this would be the case. I've died and I am still alive.
Best to you
Smoky.
BTW: I would suggest seeing someone less judgmental, maybe a professional that works with you as an equal…. You don't have to ever go back there. Don't revisit what brings you down, move on regardless and you might find some peace down the road….
 

riddler2k7

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On this planet unfortunately
I am experiencing a distressing flashback

I can't stop crying.
I hope you get through it, I'm not good with words but you are always nice to me and pm me from time to time. My memory is going so I don't remember if I just never replied back to you. Either way, I hope whatever memory or flashback has made you feel this way, I hope this there is someone close by to let you know it's ok.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I hope you get through it, I'm not good with words but you are always nice to me and pm me from time to time. My memory is going so I don't remember if I just never replied back to you. Either way, I hope whatever memory or flashback has made you feel this way, I hope this there is someone close by to let you know it's ok.
yeah I had someone with me

but they were inadvertently causing the flashback.

either way, I'm glad that I can think carefully about what I was thinking about last night, without having the same serious reaction.
 

beardwhip

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Feb 17, 2015
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I feel like a pussy. I have increasingly valid thoughts as to why being dead is more pleasant than being in my current situation. I'm not addicted to anything, minus a slight tendency to go overboard with dexamphetamine (that is only a once-a-month kick, even if that). I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not. I'm trying to make it apparent that the feeling of living just isn't clicking in me.
I'm a student of pharmtox at a reputable university, so i do a lot of chemistry on a daily basis. About a year ago, i went through a massive depression, and when i came out the other side, i felt the joys of being alive but still saw the shadow that all the happy things left in their wake. I'm no stranger to antidepressants and antipsychotics- they're the reason that I've been in inspired to go to college for pharmacology- and after being on A therapeutic regiment, I know they're not the cause of this apathy. If anything, they intensified it. All of the interesting things I want to do are stifled by reality and the bureaucratic bullshit that comes with it.

I can almost pinpoint the feeling of apathy, paradoxically enough- I can feel it from the whole of humanity suffering. How dysfunctional we are. fuckin sucks the life right out of me. Makes me want to OD on some nice warm drugs on a nice warm beach somewhere in the tropics after maxing out my credit cards. I don't expect to find any reason to keep going on, living an unpleasant life where I'm constantly unhappy. As priveliged as I am, and I say that... pathetic. Apathetic, even.

I'm not looking for sympathy- I've got no clue what the fuck I'm looking for. I'm sure theres no afterlife, so I can't say that suicide is bad- I've got proof life will keep going long after I'm gone. i guess I'm looking for empathy, among my people... my fellow stoners, junkies, tweakers, baseheads. collectively you've seen more than any one man can fathom, so maybe you can answer this- what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
 

riddler2k7

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On this planet unfortunately
I feel like a pussy. I have increasingly valid thoughts as to why being dead is more pleasant than being in my current situation. I'm not addicted to anything, minus a slight tendency to go overboard with dexamphetamine (that is only a once-a-month kick, even if that). I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not. I'm trying to make it apparent that the feeling of living just isn't clicking in me.
I'm a student of pharmtox at a reputable university, so i do a lot of chemistry on a daily basis. About a year ago, i went through a massive depression, and when i came out the other side, i felt the joys of being alive but still saw the shadow that all the happy things left in their wake. I'm no stranger to antidepressants and antipsychotics- they're the reason that I've been in inspired to go to college for pharmacology- and after being on A therapeutic regiment, I know they're not the cause of this apathy. If anything, they intensified it. All of the interesting things I want to do are stifled by reality and the bureaucratic bullshit that comes with it.

I can almost pinpoint the feeling of apathy, paradoxically enough- I can feel it from the whole of humanity suffering. How dysfunctional we are. fuckin sucks the life right out of me. Makes me want to OD on some nice warm drugs on a nice warm beach somewhere in the tropics after maxing out my credit cards. I don't expect to find any reason to keep going on, living an unpleasant life where I'm constantly unhappy. As priveliged as I am, and I say that... pathetic. Apathetic, even.

I'm not looking for sympathy- I've got no clue what the fuck I'm looking for. I'm sure theres no afterlife, so I can't say that suicide is bad- I've got proof life will keep going long after I'm gone. i guess I'm looking for empathy, among my people... my fellow stoners, junkies, tweakers, baseheads. collectively you've seen more than any one man can fathom, so maybe you can answer this- what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
Hey, well I guess I've been told we make our own happiness, that sometimes people wait to get into heaven while others make the time they have on earth heaven. I had a good life, parents, friends sorta, was in pharmacy school. I dropped it all and am now trying to find the answer to that same question. I ran away from everyone that cared and now I live alone, with no clear future of anything, even if I'm going be here in the future. I can't answer your question for you, just wanted to let you know I read what you wrote and I just hope live does get better, for all of us.
 

beardwhip

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Feb 17, 2015
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Thanks for answering. I've also isolated myself as a result. Being around others aggravates me, which in turn brings me down. Maybe that's just a lifestyle preference, I'm not sure.

One thing I do know that brings happiness is helping people. Thats just about the only thing that makes me happy. But there's so much shit going down, so many people having a bad time- us living here is destroying the environment and our happiness is built on the backs of others struggling to get food on the table. Like, is there ever a point where I'm going to be able to ignore all of this? Will it just poke my concious until there's nothing left to poke? I'm not keen on passing on before I've had all the fun there is to be had- but where is the fun?
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
"live for" is a very vague set of words

You say you're no stranger to antidepressants, antipsychotics, and that you take dextro-amphetamine about 1x a month?

forgive me for asking, but why were you taking antipsychotics?

Were you experiencing schizophrenia, psychotic symptoms, or amphetamine psychosis? Were the antipsychotics for other approved reasons, like agitation, or for off label things like sleep or anxiety reduction?

The antipsychotic class is a catch all for where there really are no good pharmacological options (in my opinion).

What dosages of dextro-amphetamine are you taking? It's best not to use amphetamines. I used to use d-amphetamine, d,l-amphetamine, and methamphetamine (the latter a lot), and I can say that they lead to depression as it's not wise nor often possible to stay on these drugs on the long term.

Are you getting d-amp prescribed for ADHD, or acquiring it somehow?
 

beardwhip

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"live for" is a very vague set of words

You say you're no stranger to antidepressants, antipsychotics, and that you take dextro-amphetamine about 1x a month?

forgive me for asking, but why were you taking antipsychotics?

Were you experiencing schizophrenia, psychotic symptoms, or amphetamine psychosis? Were the antipsychotics for other approved reasons, like agitation, or for off label things like sleep or anxiety reduction?

The antipsychotic class is a catch all for where there really are no good pharmacological options (in my opinion).

What dosages of dextro-amphetamine are you taking? It's best not to use amphetamines. I used to use d-amphetamine, d,l-amphetamine, and methamphetamine (the latter a lot), and I can say that they lead to depression as it's not wise nor often possible to stay on these drugs on the long term.

Are you getting d-amp prescribed for ADHD, or acquiring it somehow?
I am perscribed my dexamp, 60mg ir daily. Rarely take it though. Usually it's a 'time to get studying done' drug for me, and very effective at a dosage of around 30mg (I usually sublingual 15mg, wait 6 hours, sublingual 15 more), not recreational abuse of it (although I have been down that road, did not like the effects on tolerance so I stopped). Keep in mind, I am in school for pharmacology and toxicology. I do exercise harm reduction when it comes to the oxidative stress amphetamines can put ones brain under. Antioxidants, nootropics, monoamine supplements... i got the roster covered.

I took escitalopram for a 3 month stint back when I had some severe depression, but that was as long as I kept up with it. tapered myself off when I noticed seriously pointless apathy. Like, it had no home, no cause, no legit reason to be around- that was the SSRI, and that apathy disappeared after I tapered. The depression itself was not out of place. I was depressed for valid reasons, my body's natural reaction was to shut down due to the stress.

My profrssional opinion is that don't think my being suicidal has much to do with my substance use, as I'm an infrequent user. I have a large supply of it available, I'm just not inclined to use it. I think if I was so inclined, I wouldn't be asking for help. I am very aware of how substance use tends to make problems slip away
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Do you just feel fundamentally unhappy with your life? What would you change?

I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not.
do you have a partner? you sound like you're young, so maybe you're not thinking about it?
 

dizzygypsyred

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I'm so sorry to hear that hun!

Your other cat still all right?

I used to have 2 and am down to 1 cat now, and my cat is always lonely and misses the other cat's company

Stay strong, and you can PM me
Thank you. Had too many problems to list lately. Trying to be ok.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Thank you. Had too many problems to list lately. Trying to be ok.
today I just put my best foot forward, and everything turned out better than expected

I'm just a little stressed about a lot of things, still

but the things I'm most worried about, I think will turn out very well :)
 

herbavore

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These are the moments to grab onto, Captain. I am a natural worrier (read:GAD in today's diagnosis-mad world) and when I have these golden opportunities to question my worrying mind, I grab them! Ask yourself if all the worrying you did made anything change as far as the outcome? Certainly it gave you a lot of stress and grief which affects the body's health as well as the mind. I find that focusing my attention on this self-propelled cycle of worrying and literally standing up to it in my moments of clarity and strength is what has changed my thinking/life more than anything. Good for you for recognizing that things are working out "better than expected". Key word: expected.;)<3
 

Crazyfrog

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Jan 20, 2015
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Has anyone tripped soo bad that the world or reality just looked fake? Like watching a tv show. I did once, i recall looking at cars driving by and thinking " boy, those cars look small. Almost toy like. Geezz they are made of plastic and metal. Everything is fake."

and i felt 100% this was a hologram to something bigger. Then i realized we are put here in these bodies to roam around and do our thing. That experience made me look at life as a gift. So every time i feel like i want to end my world, i think of that experience and it brings me back to sane levels. I've been good ever since.
 
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Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
These are the moments to grab onto, Captain. I am a natural worrier (read:GAD in today's diagnosis-mad world) and when I have these golden opportunities to question my worrying mind, I grab them! Ask yourself if all the worrying you did made anything change as far as the outcome? Certainly it gave you a lot of stress and grief which affects the body's health as well as the mind. I find that focusing my attention on this self-propelled cycle of worrying and literally standing up to it in my moments of clarity and strength is what has changed my thinking/life more than anything. Good for you for recognizing that things are working out "better than expected". Key word: expected.;)<3
thanks herby

today I woke up early, took a shower, and did some work

and I feel good about it

much <3 to everyone
 
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