The Suicide Support Thread

herbavore

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^the fact that you are still alive means that there is every bit as much of a point as there ever was. Age and years are irrelevant. We have things to learn while we are here. We can either do it or not do it. It is really that simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple.

When you let yourself use the past--and your own story you are telling yourself about failure--stop you from trying in the present it is really you trying to feel safe. It is scary to try, scary to risk failure again. What needs to change is your perspective on failure--your relationship with it. Is it an end or an opportunity? I have failed at so much in my life. I struggle with the failures that contributed to my son's death. If I allowed those failures to define me I would die. I have more time here. What can I do with this life? What can I do with the lessons of this grief, of these failures? Becoming fatalistic about the present by using negative self-talk about the past is a waste of your considerable talent and life-force, Captain. Don't fall prey to that temptation.<3
 

riddler2k7

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I used to be in pharmacy school, but I dropped out now I'm at a local community college just taking a health class trying to figure out what to do with life. And I feel like captain, ever thing I've tried to do just blows up in my face. I know there is still a lot more that can go wrong, the worse..... I guess I wouldn't let it come to that. I just don't want to keep trying and failing. Iono (this is the way I write "I don't know" texting.) They always say those who fail to learn from their past tend to repeat it or something like that. Only thing I've learned is so far I'm a waste of a life. I've seen the future, when I was in the hospital. A man in his 70's maybe. Was like me when he was younger. Actually saw a lot of himself in me, which led him in the hospital. We were both there for suicide. And now he will spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital. He told me if I didn't.change I would me the same. Why wait all my life for that one day when things get better? What if it doesn't? Why bother trying to find out, I don't even see a future for myself in which I'm happy, just another day I have to get up just to go to sleep 8 hours later. I do know the captain has made big and bold steps, no matter how small they may seem. Because not everyone can take those steps you did after all you have been thru. I read a bit of your story that you wrote and to share all that with this site is amazing. Like I said I wasn't able to go to class. I dropped everything and just added an online health class. I just don't think I could handle another huge failure. I hope all your days are going well tho, and I guess we are all still here so that means we all are still trying to fight to get better, somehow I guess.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
^the fact that you are still alive means that there is every bit as much of a point as there ever was. Age and years are irrelevant. We have things to learn while we are here. We can either do it or not do it. It is really that simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple.

When you let yourself use the past--and your own story you are telling yourself about failure--stop you from trying in the present it is really you trying to feel safe. It is scary to try, scary to risk failure again. What needs to change is your perspective on failure--your relationship with it. Is it an end or an opportunity? I have failed at so much in my life. I struggle with the failures that contributed to my son's death. If I allowed those failures to define me I would die. I have more time here. What can I do with this life? What can I do with the lessons of this grief, of these failures? Becoming fatalistic about the present by using negative self-talk about the past is a waste of your considerable talent and life-force, Captain. Don't fall prey to that temptation.<3
the bolded part really spoke to me herby. You're very right.

I really see what you mean now. I really am just trying to shield myself from additional trauma, and it's completely irrational and unreasonable for me to be like this.

I'm going to have to accept what you said. Because I know it's right, but it's hard to accept. When I have I'll try to focus on a better future for myself and try to redefine my perspective on my past
 

dizzygypsyred

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Dec 31, 2014
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My kitty Kat died yesterday. When I clapped for him and my other cat to come in he didn't come. I got a real bad feeling. I crawled under mu trailer about 1:30 am and found his body. My heart is broken. He was my baby. I got him when he was only three weeks old and nursed him from a bottle for two weeks. He would give me Eskimo nose kisses and purred allbtge time, so loud..I feel so utterly alone. Why does everyone and everything I love either die or leave.
 

Smoky

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Hi,
I am so very very very sorry for your loss. I love my kitty cat so very much. Her name is Smoky and I sometimes think about the day she will pass. I have lost a few myself in my past. They are so very very special and deserve the best. I hope your baby is resting well. I bet he had a wonderful life, this is what's ultimately important… You were his owner and cared for him from the very beginning when he was a little kitten til today. From what you describe he was truly loved. Not that many get an option to be loved and have a wonderful owner and life.
Smoky <3
 

Jabberwocky

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age means shit guys, come on.. we should know that by now. esp. considering what we've all done.

I am 32 and have been on probation or in jail the for 9.5 of the last 14 yrs since turning 18). I've been addicted to drugs for about 8 or 9 of the last 14yrs. I've had cancer for god knows how long of the last 14yrs but they just found out 4yrs ago, and been on chemo for a year, and now still going to the Dr. every 3 months, doing MRI's, brain scans, etc. all shit for god know what and god knows how long before something terrible MAY happen; but they tell me I LOOK GOOD and things will go well for me, so w/ that being said I refuse to ever give up. also, as I said before, I care too much for my family to just give in to all this BS and take my life.

also, as said before, I have tried to get sober many times but I am still failing but I am not trying to take my life by no means. I am still using because its my addicted mind telling me to use but by no means do I use because I want to pass or feel that is my best way out; deep down I want to get sober but not quite there yet but feel I will be come the right time.

right now I am making significant changes in my life; I am changing careers, not just jobs, but careers. no more "office" job but moving to labor. my father owns his own type construction business and I will be taking over the business and doing all the changes necessary. I am going to school next month to get my license to be in that business and getting my PM (project management) license as well to oversee projects and whatnot.

is there is one thing I "gave up" on its "giving up" on excuses, man. I always had an excuse as to why I couldnt do shit, why certain things only happen to me, why this, why that, but I never told myself the truth as to why, and the answer why ME.. I DIDNT GIVE SHIT ABOUT MYSELF OR WHAT I WAS DOING! yes, I still use dope, its terrible and money wasted, but I do everything fucking else right as of NOW and I GET OFF DOPE! I WILL GET OFF DOPE! I know I can! I am finally doing everything else right and changing my life for the better so this is next best thing, right? NO MORE DEATH! ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT!

death is NOT THE WAY OUT, PEOPLE! LETS MAKE THAT FUCKING CHANGE IN LIFE!

DO ME A FAVOR, make a significant change in your life FIRST! if you still want to kill yourself after, then go ahead and do so, but lets at least TRY AND DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY AT FIRST! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT AND I EVEN KNOW THINGS WILL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE!

Ive been a junkie in and out of jail/rehabs/probation/detox for the last 14yrs. I am not living a great life by no means but hell I am finally seeing why and I am finally making changes to change my life and change my thoughts and the way of life, so fuck it, and lets do things RIGHT!
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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remember this guys..

those/the people in the world who are most WELL ACCOMPLISHED, have FAILED MANY TIMES! failure is what brings on accomplishments. in order to find yourself ON TOP and DOING ALL THINGS RIGHT, you must FAIL MANY TIMES AT FIRST IN ORDER TO FIND THE RIGHT WAY TO THE TOP!

do not let your failures keep you down; look at them as a way to learn your way from the bottom to the top. you guys can do it.

do you mind if I ask your ages? as said before, I am 32 and my life has been like this since 18.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
My kitty Kat died yesterday. When I clapped for him and my other cat to come in he didn't come. I got a real bad feeling. I crawled under mu trailer about 1:30 am and found his body. My heart is broken. He was my baby. I got him when he was only three weeks old and nursed him from a bottle for two weeks. He would give me Eskimo nose kisses and purred allbtge time, so loud..I feel so utterly alone. Why does everyone and everything I love either die or leave.
I'm so sorry to hear that hun!

Your other cat still all right?

I used to have 2 and am down to 1 cat now, and my cat is always lonely and misses the other cat's company

Stay strong, and you can PM me
 

Erikmen

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It´s very sad when you lose your cat or your dog. Sometimes they are all we get. No critiques, no rejection.
You are always special to them and they care for us 24/7.
I also fear losing my dog. I know the pain and I´m very sorry you are feeling down.
It will get better. You have another one to take care. He/she is also hurt.
Wish you well!
 

riddler2k7

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I was just sitting here thinking and read @BostonBrownTown wrote and I realized something. I never really expect to "get better". I still don't know what that is. Ever since the day I went to the hospital and the social wrustr saw my wrist I don't really have words like postive or can do or acaccomplishments in future things. I don't see a future for me, just another year I have to try and survive. That lady when she saw me the look on her face was so hurtful and she asked me if I thought it was normal. I don't go out or am very social so I said I thought maybe some people did think about it but not act upon it. She then told me no, that is not normal, no one thinks that way, and that the way I think isn't normal. She then blasted me with all these mental illnesses and away I went. I mean even the lady who is lisenced and hired to help people told me so, so what am I really working towards? I was told by my parents I was never really a happy child. So I don't get how some people wake up and are so happy, so positive, seems like nothing can knock them down. Maybe it's hope or trying to fullfill a dream of theirs. I realized now a long time ago I choose how all this was going to end. I'm just in constant confusion, every time I keep thinking to what that lady said. If I didn't think I would end up in that very hospital again, I prob would of never been here to find this site. They always ask if you currently have a plan to end it all. I say no cause I'm not going back there, but there always is a plan. And so I say good luck to those who have and dreams that guide them everyday to get better. For me unfortunately it ends two ways that I see, evenually behind federal prison or my way........
 

riddler2k7

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My kitty Kat died yesterday. When I clapped for him and my other cat to come in he didn't come. I got a real bad feeling. I crawled under mu trailer about 1:30 am and found his body. My heart is broken. He was my baby. I got him when he was only three weeks old and nursed him from a bottle for two weeks. He would give me Eskimo nose kisses and purred allbtge time, so loud..I feel so utterly alone. Why does everyone and everything I love either die or leave.
I'm very sorry for your lose. Losing anything or anyone that has been that close to you must be hard. But be strong, I guess cherish all the good times you had and how you made each other's lives better. I'm sure your cat loved you too, I hope you get through this.
 

herbavore

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Oh dizzy, I am so sorry. I lost my special feline buddy a year ago and I still look for him unconsciously every morning and at random times during the day. I must admit that as I have gotten older and had to bury so many of my animal companions it has gotten ever so slightly easier to understand at the beginning that their life spans are so much shorter than ours and that I will inevitably have to say goodbye, but it still hurts like hell every time. The affection and loyalty of animal companions is like no other.<3

@riddler: that woman at the hospital should be fired not only from her job but from her profession. Normal? It is normal for people to have periods of confusion and pain in a society that sells confusion and pain to people every day. Wow, that made me mad reading that.

be careful about "writing your story" in concrete. When you take feelings and states of mind that you experience, no matter how frequent or constant they may appear, and tell yourself over and over that they define you (that you have always been this way and always will) you are writing yourself into a tragedy. If you can let the story go and just be where you are at any given time, having faith that all life changes, you will be freer to see where choice does and does not exist.<3
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Yea depending, why?
Whenever I am not feeling well, reading helps. I am also a writer.
What kind of hobbies/activities are you into?

Sometimes we neglect our interests when we are depressed.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Well I like music and playing the piano. I always wanted to get a keyboard and get back into it but never did.
I play the piano too; but likewise, I have no keyboard and am miles and miles away from a piano

I make my own music too, which is really fulfilling

I'm having a pretty bad day all things considered. I'm experiencing problems with one of my body's organs. It's quite distressing. I hope you're having a better day than I am. :)
 

riddler2k7

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@riddler: that woman at the hospital should be fired not only from her job but from her profession. Normal? It is normal for people to have periods of confusion and pain in a society that sells confusion and pain to people every day. Wow, that made me mad reading that.

be careful about "writing your story" in concrete. When you take feelings and states of mind that you experience, no matter how frequent or constant they may appear, and tell yourself over and over that they define you (that you have always been this way and always will) you are writing yourself into a tragedy. If you can let the story go and just be where you are at any given time, having faith that all life changes, you will be freer to see where choice does and does not exist.<3
I guess you're right, I mean I know you're right. There have been a lot more positive people in my life and I need to concentrate on those people, cause they do want to help. I was shown that today when I came out to someone in person that I was bi. They were so happy for me, said once I told her I seemed happier then I've been in so long. I did feel better today. Also scared, worried, so many feelings. But I have to try and be brave, stop running from people who want to help. I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go, but today has me excited for the future. I just hope this feeling last. I am scared now that it's somewhat out there and what people might think. But I guess I gotta take a risk sometime right?? I just hope it's not as bad as I think it will be, maybe this will be a good start......
 
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