Thank you so much aqHey you're going to get through it CH. I know panic attacks are scary first hand and can seem like they will never end, but they will. They will end and you will be okay, I promise. When I have panic attacks sometimes I have dark thoughts too because I just want it all to end. The shaking, the nervousness, etc. It will.
You're going to be okay.
I know that feeling. Sometimes, I wish I could erase myself and draw up a new better me.Thank you so much aq
It lasted for like 3 and a half hours
Dark thoughts the whole time
It's so hard to live through this without the drugs I was using, but I'm determined to keep at it and not relapse this time
I'm just so nervous all the time now. I hate it. I wish I could change.
I wish I could just erase myself, all my flaws, all my mistakes, all of my misery and joy, and attain nirvanaI know that feeling. Sometimes, I wish I could erase myself and draw up a new better me.
I can certainly relate. I have become more than a little pessimistic as of late. It is very hard for me to imagine my life without senor poppy. I wish I could believe that I could free myself from his grip but with each passing day I miss a little more hope. I feel so trapped and worthless. And absolutely ashamed. I truely don't want to live this way anymore but I can't seem to quit. I feel chained by my weakness. I make it a day or so and then I cave in and it a back to the races. I am uttey depressed. And stupid freaking heart and candy day is coming up with further depresses me. I truely feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone with my melancholy.I wish I could just erase myself, all my flaws, all my mistakes, all of my misery and joy, and attain nirvana
But I'm stuck with me and I'm bitter and angry about it. It's bringing others around me down. I wish I could change my perspective, but I feel I'm just being objective and realistic.
I feel this wayI'm so tired of everything, tired of being lonely and just being alive. Tired of waking up everyday to a nothing life and no one. Tired of pretending one day things will get better, for the last 10 years it's just been down hill, and just been continuing that way. I can't even go a day without getting high or something or I just keep thinking about killing myself. Pretty soon I have a useless appointment with my therapist that I hate going to. I don't even see the point in going, just talk about stuff I'm never going to be able to do or fix. If I only had more money I would be able to walk away from this world. But I guess I just have to wait a little while, last waiting I'll be doing. Just not meant to be here is all.
I do enjoy talking to you, and I do try to keep going but it's so hard when you're always by yourself. I know I have this site and it's amazing, but when the only person who you can go to in real life someone you have to pay to see prob once every week or two it's hard to be positive, hard to feel like anyone really cares. I'm just tired of always crying and there's never anyone there just to even put an arm around me and say it's ok. Even if I think I had that I'd be lil more positive about my future. I guess just thanks for people on here who talk to me, you're really all I have.I feel this way
except I've stopped using all drugs (other than cannabis, and alcohol on unimportant days on occasion)
and I don't have a therapist
I know how you feel man, just keep trying
try to bring up how you actually feel when you don't feel well with your therapist, just the body feelings and not the thoughts - if you can talk about it
I wish I had the chance to try to open up to a therapist, though I'd probably still fail to
you're welcome to keep PMing me as well, I always like hearing from you man
I gotta ask, why is it you have no one else? family? friends? go sit at a local bar and just talk?I do enjoy talking to you, and I do try to keep going but it's so hard when you're always by yourself. I know I have this site and it's amazing, but when the only person who you can go to in real life someone you have to pay to see prob once every week or two it's hard to be positive, hard to feel like anyone really cares. I'm just tired of always crying and there's never anyone there just to even put an arm around me and say it's ok. Even if I think I had that I'd be lil more positive about my future. I guess just thanks for people on here who talk to me, you're really all I have.
Well as far as my health it sucks. I don't really take care of myself and my md told me a while ago I have something called automatic neuropathy. I can't really die from it don't think. Basically from time to time I fall very sick, can't stand,dizzy, throw up a lot, and get really hot and cold and it can happen at any time. There is no medicine it anything for it, just something I got. I quit my job cause mentally I couldn't take it. I go to school and use loans plus left over money from other things to live. I used to be into a lot of things since I was always lonely. I play basketball, football, volleyball, snowboarding, can play about seven different instruments, some better then others at this piont, play video games, just do whatever to get thru a day alone. I pretty much ran away from everyone, no one knows of my mental illness, daily struggles, sexuality, drug use, or even that I was in the hospital for a week cause I tried to commit suicide. No one even knew I was gone. So why should I care? My parents are just waiting for me to finish school so they can go back to their home country, and I'm just a hold up in their lives now. I already know no one else does. I sort of know where they stand on some of my issues from other experiences. I just want one person in my life that I can go to when I'm feeling depressed, but there never is anyone there. Just want one person to be there for me, I know everyone has their own lives and problems and so I try not to bother those of my friends that have relationships, but that's all my friends. I don't want to feel like an extra burden on anyone, just I guess trying to find someone like me, someone who also doesn't have anyone else to turn to. someone I wouldn't feel bad complaining to cause they can complain to me too, someone I can give and take, not just take. I don't really care if it's a girl, boy, gf, bf, transgender, w/e. Only real person I talk to at all is my therapist. I get so lonely I guess you can say I make up an imaginary friend, and sometimes I can't get my mind out of that world, whether I'm high or not. I'm glad that you took time to reach out and try to help me. I will take whatever help I can get, cause at this point in my mind it's no longer a matter of if.I gotta ask, why is it you have no one else? family? friends? go sit at a local bar and just talk?
I am always in here looking at others because I have been down that road before and thought death was best but my life, which still sucks, has not change, but my thinking behind it all sure has changed. I realize its totally ON ME if I want to change and see positive things happens; I can put myself in any position for a positive thing to occur.
cancer - sign me up, have it.
brain tumor - sure do, cannot remove them fully since its the left frontal or id lose all my thoughts, but I feel fine
drugs - sure thing again, and nothing small, just dope, lots of it. now on vivitrol shot but its not working and plan on using more after but oh well
job - I left my one gig and now starting the family "biz" w/ my father which is more construction related than anything
grandparents - only 1 left; my grandmother raised me cuz my mother and father were not around; well, she has problems now and cannot remember a damn thing and has no clue who I am; luckily, her son, my uncle, lives w/ her as I mentioned before.
I had to file bankruptcy not long ago cuz I spent all my money on dope and whatnot, oh well. that was 2 years ago and my credit score back to 640.
what I am saying is life sucks, it sure can suck BAD but anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can come out on top if they start viewing things a bit differently. you have to learn to TRY NEW THINGS! trying new things is so fucking key, man. so many people bitch about certain parts of life, including me, yet I do go out and TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! but ill make sure to bitch about the same thing I do day, after day, after day, after day.. so why not do something else? cuz I want to bitch and be right, thats why! I want to show people there is a reason I want to drop dead, cuz I dont want to TRY or DO anything else, I just want to do what I want DAILY and BITCH and MOAN!
get it, man? I want to help if I can, brotha! trying to speak as straight forward as possible. ask me anything about my life, man! I lived a tough one; in and out of jail, addiction to H, still am, cancer, tumors, death of best friends, lost GFs cuz of my junked out ways, mother and father in tears always cuz I let them down, family disgusted w/ my action, etc.
let me help you if I can.
I tried all those dating sites but nothing ever came of it. I still try to play those sports, that's what my friends play so that's why I play. Only thing nowadays that makes me happy is being high. Only other time was five years ago I met this girl on chatroulette. She was like me, well at the time I was just alone and she was alone and had self esteem issues. We talked everyday and eventually started to really like each other. Only thing is she was from ireland so we knew we could never meet. That fact hurt a lot and we knew when it was over it would hurt a lot. She got a bf and I just went on. We even wrote letters to each other. I guess that time I was happiest, that time and getting high, which is what I do now. You seem to be someone who's really positive about life. And I know what my friends would think about me least being liking boys cause I saw their reaction when they found out their own cousin was gay. I try to least set up things for myself, but then I wonder why bother. I feel so paranoid sometimes, ionosphere. Your post def made me laugh tho. Do whatever I want, lol I've never really been told that the way you put it.dude, what you need to do is NOT look for something as a reason as to WHY you CANT DO SOMETHING! man, I have fucking cancer/brain tumor and they told me things would be not be the same; so you know what that means? for both people like myself and you? it means we can show them that THEY ARE FUCKING WRONG, man! your health does not sound that bad, so dont look at it as such a negative, ya know!? dont let others tell you something that is not there; do not look at the cup as half empty, always go half full. do not talk about death; thats not the way to be, man.
how old are you? you mention you played all those sports, but yea, I played them too but that was back 15yrs ago; I am 32 now, so not sure if you are talking about those sports as something of the past or something still involved. if you still play/do anything, how/why do you feel lonely? are you not a talker? chat w/ people, man. go sit out at a bar and have a drink, have some food, enjoy life, enjoy yourself.
dont be a person who says, "i know what others think of me" because NO ONE KNOWS what others may think. literally, you NEVER KNOW what someone else thinks until they tell you DIRECT; that is when you finally know. and even if one person has a negative, there are another 100 people who have a positive, ya know?
ever try a dating site? or one of those friendship sites? seriously, they work for some people, man. maybe that is something for you.
I just hate reading things I maybe once thought when I was younger, or coming in/out of jail, probation, blah blah, and now what I see and how bad I fucked up w/ my thoughts/mind in the past. LIFE IS SO MUCH, MAN! yea, I still shoot heroin but fuck it, life IS NOT BAD! I dont care what anyone says. you just need to learn how to look, how to live, and what else is out there, broke or not, rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, live life the best you can, regardless of the situation given; make it your job to fulfill each day that you life and end that day w/ a fucking smile, man. get a fucking hooker, who cares. do whatever it is you need, man.