GlassAss420
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2007
- Messages
- 1,459
I started shooting dope when I was 23, 4 years of that hell.. Not including snorting it for 5 years or so sporadically since I would only do it every couple of months. I've been to 2 rehabs, one of them i went twice.
Been through the scamming and stealing, sadly mostly from my parents, its hard for them to trust me since I've gotten somewhat clean, a week or two here and there, 4 months when I was locked up in county so it wasn't will power just no access. Department of rehabilitation my ass, I came out of there so pissed at the world, only took 2 weeks to relapse. So yeah my parents have given me a million chances, have never kicked me out despite being an asshole and stealing probably a couple thousand dollars over the last 4 years. They love me and all but I can tell they don't want to get their hopes up cause I've relapsed and let them down dozens of times.
I just went on suboxone 18 days ago, was clean till this past weekend, I don't really feel bad or ashamed, I had over 2 weeks before I did it. The thing is this girl I like rarely wants to kick it unless one us has dope, or benzos. I was feeling so good and proud of myself for being clean for over 2 weeks but I was missing this girl like fuck and couldn't get her out of my head. So she called and had money and wanted to hang out and party so I went for it. I just wish so bad she would quit with me and we could be a normal couple and spend our money and time going to movies, eating out, going to concerts, poetry readings, things normal couples do instead of sitting around getting high, don't get me wrong its fun but when we hang out sober she's very distant, like we have good conversations but she never wanted to have sex, like i can cuddle up to her on the cough and watch tv or a movie but she cuts me off when I try to initiate sex, and then when were fucked on dope she's all about getting freaky.
I just don't understand how someone can be all about it when were fucked up, and shes usually the one paying for it so I don't feel used or anything, I just wish soo bad she'd be the way she is one dope when she's sober, she told me in the past when she was like 10 or so some asshole loser fuckwad in her neighborhood raped/molested her and she feels uncomfortable with sex unless she fucked up.. She has other serious issues stemming from that incident eating disorders, used to be a cutter etc, never lets guys get too close to her emotionally..
I just keep thinking if we keep doing it with the heroin she'll start trusting me enougth to do it sober and go out and dates like normal people.
Anyways... Since I've been on the suboxone and this paxil I feel great, like I'm inspired to do things, been reading a lot, looking into getting back into glassblowing, making pipes, pendants, marble etc..
Its funny for the first time since I started doing H I feel like I'm over it, that is has no place in my life.. which is crazy cause I used to absolutely LOVED H, I craved it and my life and entire being was consumed by it. Now I feel at peace with life and can see the possibilities that lay ahead of me in life..
I really didn't want to relapse this weekend but I was dying to kick it with this girl.. it wasn't that bad, I mean I got mad fucked up on H and benzos and seroquel. I somewhat enjoyed it, it was weird copping and not even really wanting it just doing it for the girl. I can honestly say if it wasn't for her and her hardly hanging out with me unless there was dope I wouldn't have gone, I've been so much happier without the dope, the bullshit, the begging for $, worrying about getting arrested.
I don't think I'm going to do it again, but if I do only once or twice a month at most, whenever the girl wants to cop and has money, I might just go cop with her an not do it.. lol yea right..
So I guess thats my plan, stay sober 99% of the time then use when she gets her government check, which is gone like like 2-3 days.. I didn't even feel sick this time, and I didn't have my suboxone cause I forgot to bring it cause I didn't know I was going to be staying for a week.
Sadly I've traded my H addiction for cruising the net, posting on forums and reading books on the computer in .pdf format.. I guess its more healthy than copping and shooting dope LOL.
I do get sorta bored sitting around, but at least I'm expanding my mind and knowledge. Been reading lots of books on psychology, psychiatry, internal medicine, science magazine, art, botany etc.. Bouncing around thoughts of going back to school and studying, to get a better job. Its nice to have a clear head and be able to think about the future in a long term sense, rather than how am I going to get money tomorrow for a fix.
To summerize, going on the paxil has changed my whole outlook on life, I used to be so negative and resentful towards people and things went shit didn't go my way, now I'm more relaxed and thought full about my responses to people.. the best way I can explain it is the same feeling you get on xtc, minus the euphoria, eye wiggles and general e-tarded ness. Like a very low dose of xtc maybe like a shitty 40-60 mg pill but the feeling dosen't fade after a few hours, like defense mechanisms that I've built up over the years to save myself from feeling of hurt rejection have been greatly reduced, I've also become more well spoken and say what's on my mind, less introverted and more out going.. people who know me are like what the fuck are you on your acting so different. The sub really helps too, I don't think I would like the paxil without the sub
I really hope I can keep this going, I feel like I need to cut this girl out of my life but unfortunately I love her, with all her fucked up problems and all, she's like a hurt bird that fell from the nest and I try to pick her up and fix her but only make it worse my touching it.. cause I have no idea how to fix this girl.. I guess its like my NA sponsor said, were all nuts (addicts) and out "picker" for picking a gf/bf is fucked up and we gravitate to the the other fuck-ups and crazies. Its such a pain to find a girl who dosen't drink or smoke weed, but then they say you shouldn't pick up girls in na (which never stopped me lol) not like I've ever poached on a younger girl ( there 17,18,19 year olds there) or someone who seemed vulnerable , I mean I'm 27 so I'd consider my dating range from 25-35, unless it was a very mature 21/22 year old.
I feel like I'm on the verge of changing my life and growing up, getting out of my parents house, pursing a career in glass or other arts, hopefully finding a long term relationship.. all of these are simply planning at this point, even tho I'm already a decent glassblower, just don't have my own shop and i got kicked out of the last shop i was in for shooting up in the bathroom DOH!. They can kick me out of my space, take back the torch I was working on but they can't take away the skills in my hands and the inspiration in my head..
So to conclude I've been feeling great since i put down the junk and I can see endless possibilities in front of me, it was like the smack was making me completely myopic, blind to all the opportunity's laying right in front of me.
Been through the scamming and stealing, sadly mostly from my parents, its hard for them to trust me since I've gotten somewhat clean, a week or two here and there, 4 months when I was locked up in county so it wasn't will power just no access. Department of rehabilitation my ass, I came out of there so pissed at the world, only took 2 weeks to relapse. So yeah my parents have given me a million chances, have never kicked me out despite being an asshole and stealing probably a couple thousand dollars over the last 4 years. They love me and all but I can tell they don't want to get their hopes up cause I've relapsed and let them down dozens of times.
I just went on suboxone 18 days ago, was clean till this past weekend, I don't really feel bad or ashamed, I had over 2 weeks before I did it. The thing is this girl I like rarely wants to kick it unless one us has dope, or benzos. I was feeling so good and proud of myself for being clean for over 2 weeks but I was missing this girl like fuck and couldn't get her out of my head. So she called and had money and wanted to hang out and party so I went for it. I just wish so bad she would quit with me and we could be a normal couple and spend our money and time going to movies, eating out, going to concerts, poetry readings, things normal couples do instead of sitting around getting high, don't get me wrong its fun but when we hang out sober she's very distant, like we have good conversations but she never wanted to have sex, like i can cuddle up to her on the cough and watch tv or a movie but she cuts me off when I try to initiate sex, and then when were fucked on dope she's all about getting freaky.
I just don't understand how someone can be all about it when were fucked up, and shes usually the one paying for it so I don't feel used or anything, I just wish soo bad she'd be the way she is one dope when she's sober, she told me in the past when she was like 10 or so some asshole loser fuckwad in her neighborhood raped/molested her and she feels uncomfortable with sex unless she fucked up.. She has other serious issues stemming from that incident eating disorders, used to be a cutter etc, never lets guys get too close to her emotionally..
I just keep thinking if we keep doing it with the heroin she'll start trusting me enougth to do it sober and go out and dates like normal people.
Anyways... Since I've been on the suboxone and this paxil I feel great, like I'm inspired to do things, been reading a lot, looking into getting back into glassblowing, making pipes, pendants, marble etc..
Its funny for the first time since I started doing H I feel like I'm over it, that is has no place in my life.. which is crazy cause I used to absolutely LOVED H, I craved it and my life and entire being was consumed by it. Now I feel at peace with life and can see the possibilities that lay ahead of me in life..
I really didn't want to relapse this weekend but I was dying to kick it with this girl.. it wasn't that bad, I mean I got mad fucked up on H and benzos and seroquel. I somewhat enjoyed it, it was weird copping and not even really wanting it just doing it for the girl. I can honestly say if it wasn't for her and her hardly hanging out with me unless there was dope I wouldn't have gone, I've been so much happier without the dope, the bullshit, the begging for $, worrying about getting arrested.
I don't think I'm going to do it again, but if I do only once or twice a month at most, whenever the girl wants to cop and has money, I might just go cop with her an not do it.. lol yea right..
So I guess thats my plan, stay sober 99% of the time then use when she gets her government check, which is gone like like 2-3 days.. I didn't even feel sick this time, and I didn't have my suboxone cause I forgot to bring it cause I didn't know I was going to be staying for a week.
Sadly I've traded my H addiction for cruising the net, posting on forums and reading books on the computer in .pdf format.. I guess its more healthy than copping and shooting dope LOL.
I do get sorta bored sitting around, but at least I'm expanding my mind and knowledge. Been reading lots of books on psychology, psychiatry, internal medicine, science magazine, art, botany etc.. Bouncing around thoughts of going back to school and studying, to get a better job. Its nice to have a clear head and be able to think about the future in a long term sense, rather than how am I going to get money tomorrow for a fix.
To summerize, going on the paxil has changed my whole outlook on life, I used to be so negative and resentful towards people and things went shit didn't go my way, now I'm more relaxed and thought full about my responses to people.. the best way I can explain it is the same feeling you get on xtc, minus the euphoria, eye wiggles and general e-tarded ness. Like a very low dose of xtc maybe like a shitty 40-60 mg pill but the feeling dosen't fade after a few hours, like defense mechanisms that I've built up over the years to save myself from feeling of hurt rejection have been greatly reduced, I've also become more well spoken and say what's on my mind, less introverted and more out going.. people who know me are like what the fuck are you on your acting so different. The sub really helps too, I don't think I would like the paxil without the sub
I really hope I can keep this going, I feel like I need to cut this girl out of my life but unfortunately I love her, with all her fucked up problems and all, she's like a hurt bird that fell from the nest and I try to pick her up and fix her but only make it worse my touching it.. cause I have no idea how to fix this girl.. I guess its like my NA sponsor said, were all nuts (addicts) and out "picker" for picking a gf/bf is fucked up and we gravitate to the the other fuck-ups and crazies. Its such a pain to find a girl who dosen't drink or smoke weed, but then they say you shouldn't pick up girls in na (which never stopped me lol) not like I've ever poached on a younger girl ( there 17,18,19 year olds there) or someone who seemed vulnerable , I mean I'm 27 so I'd consider my dating range from 25-35, unless it was a very mature 21/22 year old.
I feel like I'm on the verge of changing my life and growing up, getting out of my parents house, pursing a career in glass or other arts, hopefully finding a long term relationship.. all of these are simply planning at this point, even tho I'm already a decent glassblower, just don't have my own shop and i got kicked out of the last shop i was in for shooting up in the bathroom DOH!. They can kick me out of my space, take back the torch I was working on but they can't take away the skills in my hands and the inspiration in my head..
So to conclude I've been feeling great since i put down the junk and I can see endless possibilities in front of me, it was like the smack was making me completely myopic, blind to all the opportunity's laying right in front of me.
