Hey folks.
Sorry about the break.
I've been trying not to lurk to much here the past months as it tempted me to do more... everything.
Well, I've gained about 10 of the 20kgs (I'm to lazy to google it into stones or lbs or whatever
) by starting to work out and getting back into kickboxing.
I've broken the isolation that kept me seperated from the rest of the world for close to two years.
My books first draft is done.
But, most importantly, I haven't had an opiate in almost three months (next friday).
A big part of this is that a friend of mine, who I haven't seen in ten years, reached out as I was getting clean, and he didn't try to persuade me, he just said come over if you wanna hang.
And then I met up with another decade long friend. He was my best friend during my teenage years. In our clique, we had something we didn't share with the others. I hope most of you are lucky enough to have met such people. Who just becomes a part of you.
And getting the news that my sister was pregnant.
She gave birth a month ago and something in me shifted when I held her and saw those tiny toes, the soft cheeks and closed eyes.
I realized that even though I don't ever want kids, I have to be a part of her life.
Someone she could talk to.
Most of my extended family (aunts, uncles, etc) are mostly creeps and weirdos. As in violent psychopaths, sociopaths, pedophiles, junkies, drunks, dead, dead, unknown, unknown, etc.
But I had an aunt that always was rock-solid; whatever shit I would do, if I came running to her door, she would have my back. She'd of course drag the truth out of me and if I had done something wrong, she'd calmly tell me why.
My parents weren't big on talking.
My dad was, although fair, absent. He was working like 14 hours every day to support the six of us.
Mom was physichal, when my dad weren't there. His parents had beaten him so he swore to never be the same; and he never has.
So this aunt, if I was sad and I couldn't talk to my friends, my parents or my big sister about it for some reason (she was my hero forever(kind of still is), I could always call her. Or just walk the 100meters from our to theirs.
And she'd always listen. She was someone I could rely on until her passing (01'), and I don't think I'll ever stop missing her.
I wish to be the same to my niece.
And to be that, I have to be sober.
I can't be driftin' around like a fucking raft in the dead sea, strung out on amphetamine or noddin' of junk; how could I give anyone any sound advice when I can't tell my fucking hands from feet; when I'm too high to maintain work while selling and consuming like it's the end of days?
Anything and everything. Any.fucking.thing.
So yeah, that got way more emotional then I expecetd, but my mind spew it forward because it is way more emotional.
Granted, I've quit two part-times job because of panic-attacks; I've just walked out, texted "I quit" and never looked back.
Last one was last week. Actually, a couple of days ago.
But I'm going to take a few classes and actually doing what I want to do.
And there's always another job. If not, social-welfare works fine.
I'm ranting again. I still induldge in weed every now and then.
It's gone from 24/7 to a couple of times every month (shout out to dad for keeping his promise).
One of them being now.
The "bad" news is I'm still taking diazepam, 10 mg every morning.
I started at 6-10mg of alprazolam each day, and started tapering. Lyrica and gapapentin have been a godsend to use occassionally (due to the tolerance build up).
I'm cutting down to five in a few days. I don't feel like I'm in a hurry no more. The panic is gone.
I got my life back.
It's been an enormous help, but it's still a monkey on my back, but I've made my mind I'll get him off my back.
I've done it before, without any other motivation than lack of pills and funds; this time I actually want off that shit.
But that's cheap talk. I shit-scared of getting completely sober. It scares me more than death to have to be dealing with everything I've been pushing down.
Anyways, I just owe it to all of you to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I just re-read the answers you all gave me and I had a hard time not crying.
I spend most of my time hating mankind (though it's not the individual I despise), and when I pour my heart out for the world too see, people from I don't even know where reach out to touch it; squeeze it back into beating.
You're all great, truly. Thank you.
Excuse the spelling and shit.
