Sounds like a bad situation all around. Don't dealers rely on violence to settle disputes? I met a young kid who tried to be a drug dealer who ended up shooting out a rivals house and ended up in prison (easy prison) because he thought that's how mano a mano disputes are resolved. Be careful schizopath.
I'm feeling particularly dark, and need some positive energy sent my way. I have no control of my behavior and have destroyed my life over a period of escalating cycles.
Beginning to seem like there is no fixing it, but really I just have to get a fresh start completely. Everything must go. I shall crumble into dust before the world and return anew, different but stronger, and hopefully smarter/wiser.
I must learn to control my emotions and not merely respond to being pushed around a universe that wishes my swift demise and/or embarrassment. I have played the fool too many times at this point and only pray to gain a small manner of self confidence, just enough to completely cleanse my past life and move forward fresh. This seems an enormous ordeal, but by the end of it, likely I will have evolved enough to take responsibility in shaping my own universe.
If I don't step up I will drown in the wake of the universal brutality of existence and/or my own uncontained motions. This can't happen. I'm breaking this cycle, so things can regrow into a fresh paradise. Because continuing in my typical manner will certainly only bring endless guilt and depravity.
Its a shame, in a positive way, to hear that other people know exactly the shit Ive been through and trough. What had made or broken me way too many times by this point is the fucking benzos. Well at this point Ive had enough. Im too pussy to do the right thing which is slitting my wrists, so Ive been thinking of overdose quite a bit recently. But fucking rightfully so. Its been horrible 9 days and its still 8 days until court. But Im never touching benzos again after court, I need to accept that my brain is a goner and Im just here to suffer the consequences. Like everyone else.