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⫸STICKY⫷ The 2021 Suicide Support Group

20PrivacyIsOurRight21

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
77
I'm really a Compulsive Liar. Narcissistic. Drug Addicted Emotional Leech. But still want to live what the fuck am i doing here. I'm ready. I won't be vehicle for evil. I still have some control. I don't want to cause pain but I do. I feel guilty but I don't know when I'm lying anymore. You all are good people. Most of you. Im sorry I tried to use your pain to fuel my emptiness. There was a part of me that truly wanted to be your friend.

Bluelight.org has saved me.
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
I'm really a Compulsive Liar. Narcissistic. Drug Addicted Emotional Leech. But still want to live what the fuck am i doing here. I'm ready. I won't be vehicle for evil. I still have some control. I don't want to cause pain but I do. I feel guilty but I don't know when I'm lying anymore. You all are good people. Most of you. Im sorry I tried to use your pain to fuel my emptiness. There was a part of me that truly wanted to be your friend.

Bluelight.org has saved me.
It sounds like you're going through some painful soul searching. It's ok to feel that way, many others are going through dark times and struggles right now as well. The hope is that we can all work together as a community and heal alongside each other.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I honestly do not think I will make it though this at times.

I am basically stuck in a situation where I feel unsafe and I have almost no one.

And of course people want to criticize me, which is fine.

However it makes sense I would vent and lash out in general. But people take it so fucking personally thinking I am talking about them.

Or the decide to read into whatever the fuck I say even if it’s a joke? Like...idk...I am not the only person going insane during COVID so like chill.

I don’t hate all men lol.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I honestly just wish I would not wake up tomorrow.

Like the only thing that is gonna happen is more fucking panic attacks.

And I am venting, not asking for help. I know you guys don’t have any help you can offer me.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
The entire Twin Cities is going insane btw...I am not the only one lol.

After COVID ends then this is gonna hopefully blow over. And I will return to normal.

Maybe even after I get away from these morons or they are forced to leave.
 

Abyss_it_is

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 6, 2020
Messages
21
I am really struggling. I am fighting serious ideation and I hate it. I’m 35 years old and I’ve been this way my whole life. I have never told anyone how much I’m suffering and I can’t stand it. I hate myself for it.
It’s too hard sometimes.
And I’m sober so it sucks extra. No heroin since sept 2019 and no street stims for almost 4 years. I have been drunk maybe 4 times in the last 4 years.

fuck. Rant over.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I am really struggling. I am fighting serious ideation and I hate it. I’m 35 years old and I’ve been this way my whole life. I have never told anyone how much I’m suffering and I can’t stand it. I hate myself for it.
It’s too hard sometimes.
And I’m sober so it sucks extra. No heroin since sept 2019 and no street stims for almost 4 years. I have been drunk maybe 4 times in the last 4 years.

fuck. Rant over.
It is hard but it's worth it.
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
I am really struggling. I am fighting serious ideation and I hate it. I’m 35 years old and I’ve been this way my whole life. I have never told anyone how much I’m suffering and I can’t stand it. I hate myself for it.
It’s too hard sometimes.
And I’m sober so it sucks extra. No heroin since sept 2019 and no street stims for almost 4 years. I have been drunk maybe 4 times in the last 4 years.

fuck. Rant over.
If no one's told you lately, congrats for being sober and taking care of yourself, BL loves you!
 

Molly0d

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 5, 2021
Messages
11
I honestly just wish I would not wake up tomorrow.

Like the only thing that is gonna happen is more fucking panic attacks.

And I am venting, not asking for help. I know you guys don’t have any help you can offer me.
Hi bby I'm so sorry this is happening we might not be in the same situation but I know how you feel I'm in a place where I feel trapped and I feel like I can't do anything staying here is only making it worse. I tell myself everyday I hope I don't wake up I hope I don't wake up and I've been trying to escape it not the most healthy ways but there's really nothing I can do. I'm so glad you found a place where you feel safe to express yourself and let everything out. you sure there's nothing we can do maybe venmo or just talk?
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
Hi bby I'm so sorry this is happening we might not be in the same situation but I know how you feel I'm in a place where I feel trapped and I feel like I can't do anything staying here is only making it worse. I tell myself everyday I hope I don't wake up I hope I don't wake up and I've been trying to escape it not the most healthy ways but there's really nothing I can do. I'm so glad you found a place where you feel safe to express yourself and let everything out. you sure there's nothing we can do maybe venmo or just talk?
Thank you!!

I will post here if anything majorly bad happens for now.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
So far I am exploring all options as far as moving.

My lovely ass neighbors are still generally insane. But for now they are quiet.

And most importantly they seem to have (for now) gotten the message that no one cares much about their BS as far as the neighbors (my first floor neighbor and I), the local cops, and the landlord go.

Now, I hope for their sake they are preparing in a somewhat sane way for COVID in the US in our area to end at some point.

They are basically two mentally disturbed morons for reference. Regardless of they want to think they are.

And even their families know about their antics (some of the past ones definitely).

There is a line with most things.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I wish the people in my life who claim to care about me saw me as someone worth protecting form people who harassed and tried to isolate me.

These are more then just crazy neighbors.

It seems everyone thinks it’s ok to be harsh with me. When I just need some kindness.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
375
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I hate being poor and having to go back on benefits...I just hope I can get out of here so I can finally feel a little bit better.

I feel like I am being mentally destroyed.
 
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