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TDS The 2024 Suicide Support Group

I don't tell people anything because everyone here just don't care, my best friend moved away 2 years ago or so, and I don't chill with anyone but myself and sometimes on the weekend my cousin (cool dude always has my back) and I just feel really lonely and when I'm at home I live in the middle of nowhere. Nothing to do. Idfw video games no more bc not much interest and I just basically sit at home and listen to music and smoke weed which kinda sucks cause I get moooore depressed when I don't have it. Idk if that makes me addicted to the marihuana or not but oh wellz so
 
I'm new on here. Funny how I found TDS: I was looking up lethal drug combinations and stumbled upon a thread. The truth is, I have been thinking about suicide for awhile now. I have actually tried it over the span of 20 years; several times and several different ways. But for some strange reason, NOTHING has worked. I thought I had gotten better. I found a wonderful partner and we had a great relationship. I mean sure we had our occasional problems but we were good. We were almost three years strong and then the problems started getting worse. Her mother got sick and died. The arguments became petty. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was working a late shift and going to school then coming home to deal with a disabled 11 year old, a 3 year old, a 75 pound dog, AND a depressed girlfriend. We had just moved into the house her mother left her and it needed alot of work. I generated way more income than my girlfriend so I felt like i had to pay the majority of the bills. I got tired. I got moody. I didn't want to be the maid and the chef after a 12 hour shift. I tried to explain how I felt but she was so deep in her depression that I had to be strong for her. So I found someone I could talk to about my issues. Then I made the ultimate impulsive decision and had an affair. She found out and our relationship ended. I was and am still devastated. I want her back but she sees me completely different. She is trying to work through it but she reminds me regularly how I hurt her and then she starts beating me down emotionally. I told her that I want to end my life and a few times she has actually tried to stop me. She actually witnessed the last attempt. I took a super pharm drug combo(I'm talking complete bottles of about 8 different medications), topped it off with a ridiculous amount of cocaine, and alcohol and all it made me do was sleep for about 9 hours. Now she doesn't even care when I tell her. So anyway, today was a day that I was reminded of the terrible person I am. On top of that, my son had to go to the hospital today. So I'm feeling pretty fucked up right now. I really wish I could just end it all now but I know that any attempt is useless. So I'm pissed because I feel like I am being forced to live and that's not fair. I don't have anyone to talk to because my mother was killed 5 years ago. So whenever I find the right combination of drugs, I'm outta here.
 
Hopeless29 said:
I'm new on here. Funny how I found TDS: I was looking up lethal drug combinations and stumbled upon a thread. The truth is, I have been thinking about suicide for awhile now. I have actually tried it over the span of 20 years; several times and several different ways. But for some strange reason, NOTHING has worked. I thought I had gotten better. I found a wonderful partner and we had a great relationship. I mean sure we had our occasional problems but we were good. We were almost three years strong and then the problems started getting worse. Her mother got sick and died. The arguments became petty. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was working a late shift and going to school then coming home to deal with a disabled 11 year old, a 3 year old, a 75 pound dog, AND a depressed girlfriend. We had just moved into the house her mother left her and it needed alot of work. I generated way more income than my girlfriend so I felt like i had to pay the majority of the bills. I got tired. I got moody. I didn't want to be the maid and the chef after a 12 hour shift. I tried to explain how I felt but she was so deep in her depression that I had to be strong for her. So I found someone I could talk to about my issues. Then I made the ultimate impulsive decision and had an affair. She found out and our relationship ended. I was and am still devastated. I want her back but she sees me completely different. She is trying to work through it but she reminds me regularly how I hurt her and then she starts beating me down emotionally. I told her that I want to end my life and a few times she has actually tried to stop me. She actually witnessed the last attempt. I took a super pharm drug combo(I'm talking complete bottles of about 8 different medications), topped it off with a ridiculous amount of cocaine, and alcohol and all it made me do was sleep for about 9 hours. Now she doesn't even care when I tell her. So anyway, today was a day that I was reminded of the terrible person I am. On top of that, my son had to go to the hospital today. So I'm feeling pretty fucked up right now. I really wish I could just end it all now but I know that any attempt is useless. So I'm pissed because I feel like I am being forced to live and that's not fair. I don't have anyone to talk to because my mother was killed 5 years ago. So whenever I find the right combination of drugs, I'm outta here.
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You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now. It sounds like you need to try to talk to a therapist about how to start to dig out of the hole you are currently digging deeper (staying with a partner that cannot offer any emotional support isn't doing either of you any good.) Your children need you. You are not a terrible person. You are a person that is making desperate choices and you need to find some hope. I really hope that you will seek some help--it sounds way to hard to simply do on your own.<3
 
herbavore said:
You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now. It sounds like you need to try to talk to a therapist about how to start to dig out of the hole you are currently digging deeper (staying with a partner that cannot offer any emotional support isn't doing either of you any good.) Your children need you. You are not a terrible person. You are a person that is making desperate choices and you need to find some hope. I really hope that you will seek some help--it sounds way to hard to simply do on your own.<3
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I have a therapist that I am seeing. The thing is, she tells me that things will get better and that I'm not a bad person because of bad decisions I made but I don't agree with her. When I was a child I dealt with sexual and physical abuse from immediate family members. Since then, my life has spiraled down and the more I try to be positive and believe things will get better, they only get worse. I don't know why or what I did to deserve this crummy life but I'm absolutely tired of being trapped in it. Today I was told that I'm such a horrible person that even my children will abandon me the first chance that they get. Maybe they should, they certainly could have a better life with someone else. (Sigh) oh well.... Until I find a way out, I'm stuck alone and useless to everyone.
 
Childhood abuse is very difficult to heal from but you can find peace. Don't let the old learning that came from that horrendous breach of trust continue to reside in your own head. You had your childhood stolen from you and now you have a chance as an adult to undo the terrible messages that gave you about yourself--beware of repeating the abuse you suffered from others repeating in your own head. Feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common to people that were abused as children but the saddest thing is that this continues the mental abuse long after the physical abuse has ended.
 
I just joined this forum. Not sure what I'm doing here. Not sure if I'm looking for answers. Not in pain or bitter. Just empty. No purpose. No sense. No direction. don't know where to go. stayed away from my family. Though I still have my wife and daughter. live only with them. no life. don't know if i still love them both. but i take care of my daughter because she is my responsibility. i brought her into this world and i have to make sure that i give her the best. my wife is very supportive and understanding but i cannot find refuge anymore. like keanu reeves said in the movie Constantine, god doesnt' have a plan. he's a kid with an ant farm. screw him. lost my faith. perhaps didn't have one in the first place. but followed as best as possible his teachings. ended up getting screwed many times. screw him. i don't care if there is an afterlife or not. im not scared to die. can't do it myself however. f$ckin insurance company will not cover suicide. dont' want to leave my wife and daughter without anything and in misery. they don't deserve that. my new friends are prozac, seroquel, lithium, and my shrink. nothing helps. no pain. no bitterness. just empty. lost. time to go. maybe later. i shouldn't have been born. i shouldn't have been born. i shouldn't have been born.i shouldn't have been born. i shouldn't have been born. thanks for letting me post.
 
I just joined as well and not sure what I am doing here either...I somehow stumbled upon this site at my lowest point a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't brave enough to post anything at that time, but I have read through every single post in this thread now and also read the book Waking Up Alive someone mentioned, which completely jolted me and changed my thoughts on suicide overnight. Seriously "thank you" to whoever recommended it.
[MENTION=406428]chuffle[/MENTION] - I just wanted to stay I totally respect you for sticking around for your wife and daughter. My daughter's father committed suicide last summer and it did destroy me in every way possible - emotionally, physically, monetarily, etc... to the point I wanted to end it all myself, but like you, I am still here out of a sense of responsibility to my daughter. Second I just wanted to say that combo of psych meds is pretty heavy duty. I am by no means an expert, but if I were you I would go back to my P Doc and tell him/her what is going on. I have tried quite a few "cocktails" myself this past year and they can seriously affect your ability to think straight and or feel anything at all. Psych meds are some powerful sh*t and can either really help or hurt in my experience.
 
@ chuffle: it sounds like there is a deep disconnect inside and so you are just existing in the fog of depression. It is possible that your coctail of meds is making things worse rather than better. Some writing that helped me very much was Pema Chodron's (Buddhist) writing. It's practical, it gave me tools to tweak my depressed thinking.I'm not a Buddhist, not religious at all actually but it was the only thing that helped at the time.<3

@ roxie: You have certainly been through a devastating trauma. I'm glad that you decided to post. There is a thread specifically for grief if you ever feel like posting in it. <3

Please feel free to PM me any time, either of you.
 
So here I am about a month later. 2 suicide attempts that landed me in the psych hospital for about a week. Still here. The last attempt was only a week ago. I slit my wrists in front of my ex girlfriend. I almost succeeded except she somehow managed to take the blade before I could actually server my artery but I came real close. Caused her alot of stress but I wish I would have succeeded. But strangely, even though I want the end to come, I'm tired of trying and failing. Now I'm researching other methods like air embolisms and injectables. I don't want to do anything else if it's not going to work.
 
I'm diagnosed with BPD and comorbid depression. I've been prescribed just about everything short of the old TCAs or MAOIs. I've recently tried to kill myself and very nearly succeed. I'm constantly depressed and feeling suicidal, I'm lucky if I can get off my sofa and get to my bed. I'm currently being prescribed amitryptiline. I have low confidence in it working but am still going to go through the cycle of taking it and it fucking me up. My new gp is actually very considerate of my condition and how I've been mistreated by the mental health services.
He is also very reluctant to prescribe much as I've been prescribed so much and so much harm has been done. I don't know what to do. I can't deal with this cycle of meds and suicide etc.
Sorry for the rant but I've no way of venting.
 
I don't blame you a bit for feeling exhausted--who would not? The thing about diagnoses is that they need to shed light, to be helpful, to hopefully say "this condition may cause these symptoms" and for that information to end some confusion or self-blame; but they can also have the effect of feeling like a life sentence to your worst symptoms. And getting diagnoses also means lots of drugs thrown at you and not always by knowledgeable people. I'm very glad that your gp sounds like a reasonable guy to work with. Has anyone ever prescribed other therapies besides medications or alongside them? Life can be very hard and once it gets hard, it keeps compounding in our minds and I have found that while I cannot change anything at all outside of me, changing my own perspective on my relationship to the world and to my self (with an end date already stamped in there somewhere) has helped me to cope. Cope is not really the right word as it implies enduring. What I mean to say is that I experience pleasure in the world and in my being. I hope this for you.
 
It's good to have a supportive gp for once. Yes I've been offered therapy but it's self referal via phone. Which unfortunately is an issue of mine. I have an aversion/phobia of speaking on the phone with unknown persons. So it results in me not getting the access to essential therapy.

Truth be told I feel more and more suicidal every day. The scary part of it all is it's becoming an attractive prospect to me.
 
I am so sorry. I wish that I could reach out to you but I feel your fears. :(<3
 
I called a 800# suicide hotline once and no one answered. Has anyone ever had that experience?

I am...vacillating between ideation and desire at this point. I know I won't (too many deterrents), but I'm hurting on so many levels, I'm surprised I haven't. Someone without the reasons I use to hold on or is more willing to give up would have long, LONG before now.

How do you cope?
 
psyche of sound, never apologize for reaching out. Sometimes a disembodied voice on the phone or floating letters on a screen is all we have but it can be enough...just enough to let you know you matter to someone.
 
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Hey jasperkent, what is happening in your life to make you feel so desperate?
 
I sometimes feel like I wish I could sleep forever. Sometimes I look at articles about suicide but I am (luckily) too scared to actually do it.
Tonight I was looking at posts about suicide and I came across a closed post about suicide. I do understand why the post was closed but I hope someone reached out to the person who posted it to make sure they were able to get some help instead of ending their life.
I joined this site after seeing the outpouring of love and compassion that people had for that person. I really needed to see there is still humanity in this cold world.
 
Hi Kaydee--we sometimes close threads at the poster's request, sometimes because it is asking people to give advice on how to commit suicide. Sometimes we suggest they start anew thread to talk about what they are feeling rather than leave a "how-to-kill-myself" thread open. Lots of people start out asking for drug recipes etc and that is not allowed but we do encourage the person to seek support.
 
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