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Telling my doctor ima just source

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
I’m asking for Ritalin or adderall to get me through a move in combination with my script of klonopin. I know that’s stupid but I’ve always remained honest with him. I’ve told him about microdosing (flushed them) along with my mushrooms. I told him about all my drug usage minus the oxy, idk why I didn’t mention that but I use kratom as cover for it.
My question would be. I need something to help me do a 700mile drive that will keep me alert focused and not have my mind on the fact I’m separating. I don’t really care what happens to my script of klonopin if it makes him nervous by me saying I’ll just source. I was just trying to ask before I leave if he will understand my case have faith I won’t abuse either just so I can change my scenery. So I can make a change in myself in a new state with no drug connects and no outside influences hindering me.
He gave me Wellbutrin but that made me feel way to cracked out even on the smallest doses 150xl it was alright to and worst come to worse I can do that before I buy a pressed fake pill (which I assume all illicit pharms are now. Do you think ima fuck up by saying look. I just need 5 or 10 along with my current klonopin script to get me through the move. I can do it on my own once I make it. I plan to try medicinal marijuana but I’m tired of feelings taking over when my cars packed and I’m ready to go out the door. I’m tired of seeing her tears and being manipulated into staying into a situation I know won’t last I wanna mention and have mentioned when I take cocaine, adderall I feel normal and happy. And I can go to sleep with my one klonopin and atarax. And I plan to quit this once I’m there cause he’s bumped my script from 10 to 30. And I’m not going be dependent on anything.
This situation I’m in has been toxic for months I’m sure you have all seen. Well I finally am putting my money where my mouth is. I didn’t celebrate her birthday yesterday. I’ve packed, and now I just lay in wait for the storm to clear to drive south. I have some stuff I still need to get done here but I don’t really care if it gets approved or not (don’t care to identify what) as I don’t want someone trolling the process.
Now I can source them off the street no problem. I’m also not trying to bully my doctor which I’ll say beforehand and then say now lemme bully you for speed but seriously idk if I can make a 700 mile drive depressed without adderall to make the drive and klonopin to calm the night. I would be fine with 5 5 mg adderall just enough to get me there. So I don’t have to think I’m making the wrong decision I’d take a klonopin and drive but that’s not wise not for 700 miles. That said how would you phrase it to him that you realize the change needs to be my environment before I can work on myself. My plan is to move. To follow up after I move one last time, and then cut meds all together I won’t have access to oxy or Ritalin, and I’d like it to remain that way I plan on getting involved in Muay Thai and volunteering to help with anger and help humble myself and keep busy, I draw SSDI so I don’t have shit to do during the day. And I think some of these meds help with music. I don’t wanna take pills anymore though I want it to come From within. With all that stuff said need some to get me through this cause I have no one else but Jesus and maybe that’s making light of Jesus power. Maybe I’m letting the devil draw me down a shitty path and not realizing the power of the Holy Spirit and how God can do the impossible if you have faith. I guess I lack that and will pray on it. But that said. How would you talk to him about it ? I really feel I’m mismanaged klonopin hypes me up sometimes and makes me “manic” adderall calms me down but it also puts me in laser focus, see this post. But I feel happy finally with the right of adderall. Amazing on cocaine, to amazing. I can’t do it anymore cause I’d probably get a hot batch. And it was garbage when I did get it. I mean it was alright. But I digress. I don’t want him to think I’m playing him or trying to use this as a source of narcotics. I’m only trying to be honest and try to change my situation. I have a plan set in place, I have a faith. Albeit that of a mustard seed. And for once I don’t care if we don’t work out I deserve to love myself so I can love others. But remaining in a toxic relationship in which neither does anything to help the situation. I would like to add I do try to be a little more empathetic. But my doctor told me what I’m really craving is oxytocin and dopamine not just dopamine. But what happens when the one you think you wanna marry doesn’t even acknowledge your crying alone in the room beside her and doing drugs just to cope with holding her home on the back of your shoulders , grandparents, animals, cleaning, tried fixing her car for free outta love, but anytime I need something I have to give something. I won’t expose or incriminate anymore then that statement Those who can read between the lines or know me will know. But idk what y’all think? You think honesty will just hurt me ? I have to wait till 22 anyways to talk to him. But I have just enough Ritalin left to pack my shit and go now. But I’d like to settle things with my girls car, as i drove it to my uncles shop to fix it and left it. And I’d like to wait for my current affairs to clear. I talked to her and said I’ll be staying till I get paid the 3rd and I cleared it from her grandparents if that’s cool till I get my check I owe her some money for fronting me some cash for BNGO stock so I have to pay that debt back as well. So it’s looking like ima have to make it last till March I just don’t know how ima do it. I got cbd and delta 8 and cannaoil but I can’t use cannabis oil unless I power smoke a tolerance cause I get to paranoid. Nor do I wanna be tripped out on a edible journey while I’m trying to get my life in order. Currently ima try to supplement as much magnesium as I can to avoid taking my klonopin and ima try not to take the last Ritalin. But I’ll need a k pin tonight to come down and sleep. So a clusterfuck but I wanted everyone to know the story so they can tell me how to eloquently gain the doctor sympathies when he’s already been sympathetic enough by upping my klonopin to 30 a month. I’d rather have the adderall and atarax. Tbh. But do you think I have a shot with the honesty?
I mean it would be a red flag if I didn’t say some off the wall shit to him like I like cocaine. I wanna try mushrooms. I’ve grown (and flushed) them to try what I see on YouTube, i about told him I’m taking 60 mg of oxy a day just to feel happy. I’m not taking SSRI I’m not taking snri.
Wellbutrin made me feel like good and in the 3rd I felt like shit. It felt like I was on crack and it was never going to end. With the same thought loops I experienced on high dose mushrooms. and I’m not sure if the insomnia mania wasn’t induced by taking it.
But I know these pills. I know adderall I know the risk I know the rewards. I know klonopin I know it’s dangerous and shouldn’t be use longer the 4 months this is 5
I’m either up too much and need to be brought down, or I can’t focus and start 20 things at once and get nothing done and remain unhappy. I know a mood stabilizer is what would be recommend but no I need a change of environment. I need away from someone who doesn’t love themselves cause I don’t love myself. That will never work I can’t teach love if I don’t even know how to love myself. Listen to my songs.
The only options are adderall and klonopin till I get through this, or take it all. I don’t want him to, but I don’t want him to think I’m jonesing for it I just need out and I know this will help me remain happy undetached and able to focus on the drive and packing. Or ima source on the street to get something that will get me to my new home. And my normal isn’t doing that anymore they have moved on to helping addicts and other mentally crushed people and I’m proud of them So my source is probably going be a fake and I don’t wanna die just trying to get out.
Sorry
I’m trying to work on my paragraphs so I don’t hurt you guys eyes so bad but I type with thought and not grammar.

I wish you all many blessings wherever you are in life and I’m praying for you all even if you hate Jesus and God they love you and they aren’t the self righteous church you encounter, I just don’t wanna step on people’s toes with my faith, and I realize a lot have been wronged by people “who represent Jesus Christ” but I can’t stop mentioning my Lord and Savior and will not. So I just ask you disregard this last statement if you are set in your beliefs and don’t want anything to do with it. I’m still praying you beat your struggles and I know all of you will if you believe in yourselves.) damn I answered my own question

but do you think flat out asking and saying I’m a source will cause a drawback? I talk to my psychiatrist like I would y’all. To give context on our relationship and he’s seen me for 4+ years at different practices I always follow him cause I like him. I respect he’s not a pill pusher and that he says anyone who hands you a pill takes money and makes an appointment is a legal drug dealer. He wants me to change my life, and i know the way and have the will I just need a boost and some meds to calm me throughout one of the most difficult things I’ve ever faced. A breakup with a girl I been with off and on since 2012. Moving 4 states always and becoming a caretaker eventually.
 

QTpi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
16,214
Location
New England
Hey @FuneralFather,

Thanks for posting here.

Honestly, i think if you admit to sourcing, there's zero chance you'll get the script, because it implies your're sourcing/manipulating the doctor, too. Just IMO.

Sounds like a stressful situation. Are stimulants really the answer? Might make you more anxious?

Not trying to be cheesy but just be honest about your situation. Cry if you need to. Your doctor might have an idea of how to help.

Stay safe man and have a good trip.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Hey @FuneralFather,

Thanks for posting here.

Honestly, i think if you admit to sourcing, there's zero chance you'll get the script, because it implies your're sourcing/manipulating the doctor, too. Just IMO.

Sounds like a stressful situation. Are stimulants really the answer? Might make you more anxious?

Not trying to be cheesy but just be honest about your situation. Cry if you need to. Your doctor might have an idea of how to help.

Stay safe man and have a good trip.
Ima just get them off the street and say I really would like some adderall to keep focused there
 

6am-64-14m

Moderator: NMI, CD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
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5,727
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Onda Cona
but do you think flat out asking and saying I’m a source will cause a drawback?
I would predict 90% that the doc will give a look of instant indignation and derision (real or feigned) if asking outright for a controlled substance.
Not trying to influence one to seek street drugs as they are all mostly crappy couterfeits (like everything else these dayz) but wouldn't a decent bump of meth get ya through that 700 miles no problem? It sure did me back inda day riding motorscooters. A line of half yay and half meth would have me riding for days on end. My bad if this is not condoned content in HR and do not recall a path set out whereby one is reaching for sobriety.
I hate that all this is causing so much grief in your life, FF. Shit like this is most always a situation that feeds on itself in my experience. Need a stop-gap (or bandaid) to hold ya over? Maybe replace that former with an up to date version? I know when SO and I were "separated" a coupla years ago... as much as it hurt me worse that anything ever; I was this close to getting with a younger woman and maybe having a baby for the first time. Just sayin... always that silver lining as I have never had children and always wanted at least one. Now that is farther from my grasp than ever... less'in I go out and actively try to impregnate whoever I can. Not that big of an ass but a tempting thought, nonetheless. ;) haha
When ya moving, bruh?
Peace
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
I’m just going say I wanna try adderall over the Wellbutrin the Wellbutrin is too much but I’m fine without out. I’ll just boost my tyrosine levels and take a Wellbutrin the day of the drive. It yanks me up especially if pre load tyrosine.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Hey @FuneralFather,

Thanks for posting here.

Honestly, i think if you admit to sourcing, there's zero chance you'll get the script, because it implies your're sourcing/manipulating the doctor, too. Just IMO.

Sounds like a stressful situation. Are stimulants really the answer? Might make you more anxious?

Not trying to be cheesy but just be honest about your situation. Cry if you need to. Your doctor might have an idea of how to help.

Stay safe man and have a good trip.
Do you think atarax would calm the nervous down from coffee and Ritalin or would clonazepam work better ?
 

QTpi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
16,214
Location
New England
I'd guess clonazepam, but i really have no idea.

I just think the stimulants might make you over amped.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
I'd guess clonazepam, but i really have no idea.

I just think the stimulants might make you over amped.
Yeah I’m talking to him about getting involved it BJJ. And asking for adderall for time being and that I want off adderall in 1 month. And clonazepam in 2. Depending on how this fitness kick goes. Ima eat right work hard, and practice keeping promises to people and loving others. And I think BJJ may help me get my aggression out and teach me discipline so I need no pills. That’s the goal I just need help now and it seems to be the best antidepressant for me is a stim
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
49,286
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Today’s the day guys I have my notes written. Here are things I plan to change

working out: I plan to train Brazilian jiu jitsu. And working a Bruce Lee beginners training plan. I’m getting a membership to hold me to it cause when money is involved that’s enough motivation to get up and go for me. when I get paid as a monthly membership is cheaper then 3 doctors visits just to tailor meds. I’m on Medicare so I shouldn’t be being charged but I guess I haven’t met deductible for a year.

eating habits. Ima go pescatarian for time being while finishing meats that are in freezer after that I’m done with meat and need to find a valid substitute im increasing magnesium as much as possible and not the cheap processed kind they give you otc or prescription real magnesium sterate and a few others to help calm my brain down

I was the best sober, but I let stress induce me into abandoning the Holy Spirit and Jesus direction so I could feel what weed felt like one more time. That led to kratom and oxy, and finally back to Ritalin and prescribed klonopin.


Currently Hemp Protein mixed with Whey Almond Milk and Chocolate syrup for iron and carbs. I’ve lost 30 lbs due to stress I’ve went from 203 @ 5’9”. I was eating good before corona lol and when I was sober I over ate.

I plan to volunteer, as helping others makes me hate myself less. And to see people that don’t have much have a meal and warm clothes, and praying with them about Jesus is the best buzz I’ve ever had. I don’t want praise for this these are just notes that I have for doctor.

ima ask one last time for a stim, I don’t care if it rips me off klonopin and labels me a red flag. I’m coming in honesty and respect and with a plan, that I plan to invite my doctor to cause I want him to see me spar when I get good at it. Anyways a stick not strattera not anything but adderall or methylphenidate. Ive tried them all and those are the best ones that help. Adderall helps me focus and helps my depression way better then any Wellbutrin but I’m not mentioning depression I’m just going to mention inability to focus on one task now. Because I’ve got 8 plans in motion which is good but I wanna stick through them all

I’ve flush all my micro doses that I talked to him about. I just am scared of psychedelics I abused them in the past and I don’t want to learn from a mushroom I wanna learn from Jesus and the ones Jesus puts me in with but I still have some frozen magic honey shhhh .. that was a first grow. And at about a gram a tablespoon should be but I was off the klonopin when I made it so there’s no telling how much is in there

that’s a last resort

I’ve began brief workouts. 100 push-ups a day. 100 sit ups. I’m still far to much of a pussy to go running in our cold temps. Plus I’m flat footed I’d like a treadmill

and stock market investing for income

And making music on the side

I been approached by bngo Reddit for a jingle but most of you heard my music and it’s not Jingle Friendly.

My only hopes is that he understands this plan is not to manipulate him for drugs, but I’ve taken stims since a kid. I made good grades when I had the right dose, wasn’t sourcing and taking as I see fit. Cause I take stims like cocaine. Cocaine is what I wished they would prescribe
He tried me on Wellbutrin but I just obsessed over George Lopez, Los Angeles, and stupid shit. Adderall helps me focus and narrow my plans down and execute with confidence. Regardless my plans are to be off meds by April and not going to a doctor anymore I’m tired of the pill after pill. Take this and that, but they don’t live with what I live with and when I get sent into manic mode they are off on the weekends. I don’t want that. I know what adderall and ritalins risk are I know what klonopins risk are and I know what atarax risk are. And I’m fine with that. SRNI and SSRI are messing with regulation of my brain
And unless my doctor can prescribe me oxytocin and tyrosine to the levels I need it’s expensive as hell to keep on the nootropics. But I will cause beating this means the world to me

my father killed himself

I wanna show the world it can be beaten without the pills. And I hope one day I can return to y’all a BJJ black belt in peak maximum fitness for the age and tell y’all thank you for all your help.

oh well appts at 1 I got 4 klonopin left so the stim trains gotta end soon anyways. Lavender LemonBalm Honey teas doing me amazing and drinking about 6 bags of green tea along with a gallon of water

it’s whatever he wanna do but I’m not paying 80 dollars anymore for him to tell me what’s best for me. And I realize he’s the doctor but he’s not there when shit hits the fan. No one is.

so you think coming to him with a plan to take for 1 month to get me focused and into the gym 3 days a week and volunteering 3 and a month of klonopin is to much to ask?
 
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