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Mental Health Suicide has crossed my mind. I can?t take the pain.

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Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2019
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I?ve had back problems since 1999. Only in the last year I found out that everything from my T7 down is herniated.


I?ve received around 300 TPI?s and 30+ lumbar epidurals since 2014ish.


Been on every pain medication under the sun - was switched to Suboxone in 2009 because my dose of OxyContin was too high according to my doctor. It was working though.


Started at 16mg and noticed no difference in how I felt, but was urged to taper down to 4mg. This doctor wanted me off it in 6 months.


At the time, with the epidurals, my back was decent.


Then I went down to 2mg Suboxone and kinda lived like that for 7ish years with a new doc. Everything was decent.


Last year around July I stepped off a sidewalk wrong and my back went out. After 4 epidurals and many trigger point injections, I decided to see a pain management doctor.


He went by the book - first was physical therapy, next was Vicodin, which didn?t do anything but put me in withdrawal - so I quit those after 6 days and went back on Suboxone.


It was Feb 11th when he said he would like me to take Dilaudid for pain, but it wasn?t on my insurance formulary as a preferred medication.


That?s when he prescribed Morphine ER (Extended Release) 30mg x 2 daily. I told him Morphine didn?t work for me and caused constipation - he didn?t care.


Since I started the Morphine because I had no other options. I had withdrawal symptoms from the Suboxone for 40 days. Including freezing cold and dysphoria. It didn?t work at all.


So I called my pain doctor a few weeks before my appointment and stated the Morphine wasn?t doing anything. They told me not to worry, that they rarely get the correct dose right on the first try. Told me to bring my updated formulary in (which had the Dilaudid on it this time) and they?d adjust my meds.


So I go to my appointment - the NP walks in and says ?I see you?re still in pain, he?s not giving you anymore morphine.?


I told her about the formulary and what he had said during the previous visit about dilaudid. She didn?t seem to care and snatched the formulary off of me and left the room.


She comes back in and says ?He?s switching you to Levorphanol.? - I asked her what it was, she says ?It doesn?t matter, that?s what he?s putting you on.?


I say I?d like to research it before taking - she said to do whatever I wanted because that?s what I was getting.


She also mentioned the drug is $3000 per month. Yeah, $3000 per month.


So I looked it up - it?s a ridiculously potent drug with nasty side effects and horrible reviews. Basically methadones cousin. Full synthetic made in the 40?s.


Comes back in the room and hands me the script - I mention it can cause severe depression - she asks if I?m depressed, told her yes and she says ?it doesn?t matter then.?


I went home and looked the drug up - said I?m not taking this shit. Called the next day and asked if they?d keep me on the morphine. She said ?Doctor says take the Levorphanol or nothing.?


I terminated my contract and went to my Suboxone doc, basically so I didn?t have withdrawal while looking for a new pain doc. He suggested I try 8mg. I told him I?d try 4mg.


Had a few rough days of EXTREME panic. And I went to the hospital for it last week at 2am. Thought I was going to die.


I?m on 6mg a day. 2, 2 and 2.


Hoping the weirdness and drowsiness goes away.


Last week wasn?t too bad. I actually felt good. But I get scared at night when I have to take my Klonopin (.5) because I?m scared I?m going to go into a coma - I literally have no adverse effects when I take it, but my anxiety is making me think irrational thoughts. But this anxiety is different - feels real.


For the record, I?m on:


Celexa 40mg once a day
Klonopin .5mg twice a day
Suboxone 2mg three times a day
Multivitamin once a day


I can?t seem to shake the weirdness and anxiety. The Suboxone doesn?t really work for pain.


I just want to feel like myself again. I literally have nobody to talk to outside of my doctor who insists I?m in withdrawal and need 8mg Suboxone, which I?m uncomfortable taking. 6mg is my limit right now because it feels strong when I take it. Since it just takes the edge off, I?m comfortable with this dose.


I don?t and haven?t ever abused drugs. But my body has been through 4 med changes since December.


I don?t remember Suboxone feeling like this - it just, worked before.


Now I?m stuck. I can?t find a pain doctor.


The pain is driving me insane. I don?t know what to do.


My quality of life is gone. All I think about is my pain.


The Suboxone brought back my headaches and neck pain.


Thought about suicide because I have nowhere to turn. These doctors are cunts.


I don?t want to be selfish or cowardly. I can?t do this to my family. But being alive is no better in my eyes. I?m not really here.


Help.
 
Wow, that sounds terrible.

We're here for Mental Health, but I can say some things.

I don't know the details of what's going on, so I couldn't be as much help as if I were there in person.

I know that, especially in terms of Mental Health issues, the fastest route to being prescribed what works is going to the hospital and having them evaluate you.

You can get there, though! I believe that the future is unwritten. Times will get better for you. It's a rough patch, no doubt. This may even be a facetious statement, but it's true!

Does your klonopin and celexa work?

Can you see another practitioner that will review your case in honesty, and not have to pay out the whazoo for it?
 
I’m not depressed. Just in too much pain. Yes my meds work aside from pain.

I’ll post more later. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
 
Yeah its unfortunate that the backlash against the American opioid epidemic has lead to doctors to prescribe very small amounts.
 
Truly sickening... Whatever happened to doctors having the patients best interests and standing up for them?
 
That's fucked up. I'm sorry your going through this. If the sub works just keep taking it
 
I’ll do a longer write up after the site relaunch. Good news today, I’m getting my medical marijuana card this week. Hope to have my first RX on Friday. I should be able to update before then, depending on the status of the site.

I’m BEYOND angry at this pain doctor. The more I think about what happened, the more enraged I become. Say I didn’t have a backup - they would have let me go through full withdrawal off the MSER. There’s no compassion anymore. Why run a pain clinic if you’re not going to treat your patients with dignity and respect?

For the record - I AM NOT COMMITING SUICIDE. It’s a passing thought that I can’t shake - I know some understand my logic. Thanks for your encouragement and compassion. I love you guys.
 
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I understand man. You don't have to censor yourself here like that. It's an anymous website
 
Medical marijuana can work on multiple fronts, with the ability to manage pain, and lift mood buy suppressing anxiety and depression.

If i were you, i'd check out Leafly.com, and find a couple strains that do exactly that. For example, Cherry Pie and Master Kush are very highly rated in pain relief. Of course, depending on your chemistry these strains may not have the effect you're looking for, but it's a great start.

Good to see you're being proactive in your recovery.

Report back!
 
That's not true. The authorities can trace if you aren't using tor.

I'm happy that you're better. Let's hope you can find something for your pain.
 
My father has gone through something similar and I sat and watched all these years as a man stayed alive only so his children didn’t have to suffer that burden.

I watched him quit nearly cold turkey a 320mg oxy and 400mg morphine a day habit simply because they weren’t working and he was tired of the anger they gave him. (This was back in the 90’s when you could still get 160mg tabs. He’d eat two a day.)

Cannabis was his best tool and always has been. When you can’t kill the pain the next best thing is being as comfortable as possible, that’s the goal of opiates and cannabis.

Now that you have access high quality cannabis if you ever have any questions please don’t hesitate to PM me. I’m a third generation grower, and am really familiar with strain nuances as well as medicinal benefits.

First strain I’d highly recommend.. Forbidden Fruit. It’s a cross of Cherry Pie (a recommendation above) and Tangie. This stuff seems to have a decent analgesic effect but overall is very relaxing and perfect for night time sleep. Also the flavor profile is probably the most unique taste I’ve possibly ever had, absolutely love the stuff.

Buy yourself some CBD heavy oil (not pure CBD) or CBD heavy flower, then make edibles from it. Oral cannabis is a MUCH more effective pain killer as some of the delta 9 THC converts to delta 11. Buy it and make yourself to save ALOT of money.

Casablanca is another really good fully body analgesic strain that also seems great as an all around good strain. Daytime, nighttime, doesn’t matter.

I’ll keep my eye out and can ask my buddy that works in the industry who is really knowledgeable on strains what he’d suggest.

-GC
 
madness00 said:
Medical marijuana can work on multiple fronts, with the ability to manage pain, and lift mood buy suppressing anxiety and depression.

If i were you, i'd check out Leafly.com, and find a couple strains that do exactly that. For example, Cherry Pie and Master Kush are very highly rated in pain relief. Of course, depending on your chemistry these strains may not have the effect you're looking for, but it's a great start.

Good to see you're being proactive in your recovery.

Report back!
Click to expand...

I don't want to start a huge debate here, but I'd be skeptical at best of any claims similar to those made by leafly. None of the claims have been proven by double blind studies, or really any studies(maybe surveys), and some are even demonstrably false or lacking(for instance, ROA and the role of first pass metabolism must be considered, as different cannabinoid isomers will have different effect). There is no proven data to back claims of the entourage effect, and almost all people making claims about entourage effect make no warnings of possible side effects(anxiety, increased heart rate, etc).

To summarize argument against the claims, it's basically that the entourage claims are flawed and lacking of real evidence. The claim assumes that because isolated terpenes have a specific effect when consumed in a specific manner(inhaled), that they will have a synergistic effect when combined with other bioactive compounds. This is an overly simplistic view of pharmacokinetics though, and it's entirely possible that the effect of one compound entirely overpower that of the others. It isn't scientist that have made these claims about the entourage effect, it is cultivators, shop owners, but tenders, consumers, and cannabis entrepreneurs. If you take the time to look, you'll see that almost all claims point back to one study which is inconclusive and also done by someone with huge stock in the cannabis industry. Yet despite this study being inconclusive and only states that it may be possible, it is often cited as evidence for their claims.

Is the entourage effect scientifically valid?
“The lay public has really taken on the notion of the entourage effect, but there’s not a lot of data,” says Margaret Haney, a neurobiologist at Columbia University and cannabis researcher. “The cannabis field can say anything and it does. I’m not against marijuana. I want to study it carefully. We know it can affect pain and appetite but the large majority of what’s being said is driven by anecdotal marketing. These guys are really trying to make money.”

The main psychoactive compounds are THC and CBD, and their respective isomers. The interaction between these two is what has been most studied, and is mostly responsible for the "entourage effects". One thing that is proven is that CBD is nearly ineffective when isolated from THC, needing roughly over 500mg dose for the average male for it to start to be effective. When used with THC, the threshold dose drops drastically. I can't find the studies right now, but I can assure you they are there. If you spend time searching on Pubmed, you will find them. They are the same ones that GWpharm uses for dosing their CBD product, if they aren't the ones that they did.
 
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I recently started medical MJ - madness00 actually helped me out in the thread I started.

I’m feeling a little better, but frustrated with the MJ at this point. I don’t know if it’s doing anything. I’m barely getting buzzed from vaping it, but too scared to smoke at this point in my life due to a traumatic event when I was 16.

I’ll try vaping a few more days - May try a stronger strain. Thanks for listening guys. It means the world.
 
This truly breaks my heart.

I terminated my pdoc, told my pcp to help. Told her my drug history. Said I had to do a UA. Complied and was like I don’t do drugs.

Then I was told the UA leaked and had to do another one. Got a call saying I had meth in my system.

From there I was told to see another pdoc because they can’t help me by law.

I didn’t do any meth, the only thing I did was Kratom, from there I was like I’m just being rail roaded. So now I’m moving to Virginia. Have a three month script of everything.

Gabapentin, Zyprexa, and Prilosec and Inderal.

Oh well.

Again man, I love you if you don’t feel it from anyone else. You are cherished, it will work out.
 
Sorry to hear this.
I'm not too educated on the subject, but they can do permanent nerve blocks I would think. Have you tried that?
Then maybe get on Kratom for the withdrawals and just stay on that. The tollerance barely goes up on Kratom compared to traditional opiates. It might be not strong enough for you though.
 
I’m back on Bupe, which combined with marijuana, helps my pain better than the MSER did. Feeling a bit happier. I was blindsided by that doctor - it’s terrible the way patients are treated.
 
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