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Suicidal ideation

somnilicious

somnilicious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Messages
3,220
Not posting this in the suicide thread because it's not an immediate concern but I have been laying in bed with the worst insomnia every night dreaming of taking a handful of benzos and a hot shot of fentanyl, while Portugal the Man's "I just want to sleep forever" plays in my head. I'm just so tired. I've done this since I was a kid. Instead of counting sheep I soothe myself to sleep by dreaming of my own death. Does anybody else do this? The pull and attraction is becoming more appealing.

 
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I suffer from intrusive suicidal thoughts.

Whenever I'm experiencing a lot of shame or embarrassment my brain has for some reason adopted a defence mechanism whereby my internal narrative will suggest to me that it doesn't matter that I'm experiencing those things because I always have the option to kill myself and then I wont be in pain any longer. There is no rationality to the process, I'll be fixating on something totally minor that happened years ago which most likely everyone except me has forgotten about and experiencing negative emotions and that thought just inserts itself in to my head over and over.

I realise that it's a defence mechanism and that it formed because I didn't have the capacity to deal with those emotions, but I can't make it stop now and I find it very disturbing. I'm really trying to deal with my problems in a positive way and move forward with my life so to have this extremely negative thought continually forcing it's way in to my psyche has become quite distressing.
 
I find it a comforting thought. I have an 18yo daughter though. If not for her..

I just can’t bare this culture and can’t see it getting better. My country is on fire right now. Our govt and media are lying, thieving scumbags. Every single thing in life is about money and it looks like we’re heading toward Nationalism/Fascism..

How are people able to function? I barely leave my room and just lie on my bed online or I sleep. My health’s pretty shitty and I have drug problems. I could go on but I really want to know how others manage under these conditions?? :(
 
I’m ok-ish now.. It comes and goes quite noticeably. I do feel so unsupported though and have for a while (I refuse to be in a relationship just for help). Now the lack of support is on another level. Our govt has basically abandoned its citizens. If I had the means I’d be looking overseas, but of course I don’t.
 
We all supported the Indigenous Aussies the other day bc it was Australia Day, which celebrates the arrival of the Europeans. The Indigenous hate the thing bc it was very similar to the situation with Native Americans (still is). The fires basically made all the whites think “hey maybe we should listen to them more” seeing as they’ve been on this land 60,000+ years and they know it a bit better.

The rallies were massive and it was really cool. I’ve been into the native tribal stuff for years and I felt more included in the culture here than I have in a long time. I follow other native cultural people around the world and just feel so much better with them. White Australia is misogynistic, ignorant, racist and conformist. And if you have any substance addictions, forget it. They just lock you up now.
 
Let's stick to discussing suicidal ideation in this thread, it would be great for people to have somewhere to talk about that. Pretty limited outlets for discussing that kind of thing on the day to day.
 
That's one of the really difficult things with suicidal ideation from where I stand, how do you discuss that with people with freaking them out and making them really worried. I'm not likely to act on these thoughts any time soon, but I do need to be able to discuss these thoughts, basically limited to my therapist with that one.
 
The paradox with suicide is that making it so taboo and hard to talk about makes it more likely to happen. That forum is moderated so the only thing removed is method. That’s more because of search engines than protecting other members but there is that.

I was there regularly for about two years and my main issue with it was the members are too conservative. A lot of them are older, like in their 50s or 60s. There’s a “substance abuse” section but I never felt comfortable because they’re very keen on standard procedure ie. Get into detox/rehab ASAP. I’m pretty entrenched in the drug culture and when I have detoxed it’s been cold-turkey at home. So it wasn’t a great hang-out for me but they’re very supportive when people are in a crisis and about to do something drastic.

I don’t really think about it often. It’s not an easy thing to get right and I don’t want to be worse off. Then there’s my daughter.. I only have one child and I love that kid so much. My brother died in 2014 (accidental heroin OD) so there’s already tragedy in our lives. Those are the two main reasons I don’t see it as a real option.

I do get to a point in my thinking though where I feel it’s inevitable. I’ll just reach a point of such desperation and disillusionment I’ll decide “enough is enough”. I wish it wasn’t so taboo.. I don’t like taboos in general but this is one thing that really needs to be more out in the open.

/rant :) I hope you’re ok atm.
 
@somnilicious I love that Portugal song. Seen them play so many times, that album came out as I was getting heavy into benzos, opioids, and psychedelics.

I've fantasized about suicide since childhood. I suppose it's sad to say, but some of my earliest memories are of me planning to kill myself- or of things I'd prefer to forget and struggle to even talk about at 30 years old. It seems like suicide has always been in the back of my mind, and even when things get difficult or sometimes even just uncomfortable, I start finding myself fantasizing about it.

I'm not sure exactly when things changed for me- I suppose they are slowly changing every day, but at some point I had a sort of dark epiphany. The quote "he who makes himself a beast gets rid of the pain of being a man" really shaped my ideology through my 20s. In a lot of ways, I don't regret my heavy drug use, because as insane as it sounds being that my addiction has come close to killing me multiple times, it has also given me the realization that I want to live. At least for the short time that I'm granted here.

I wish I had a clearer memory and I could remember the day, but there was a day that it hit me- if I'm willing to take such extreme measure as suicide to end my pain, and in doing so cause my family and anyone who cared about me likely a great deal of pain and a lasting burden they will take to their grave... so if I'm willing to do all that, why not take some measure to take care of myself, push myself to my breaking point and beyond, put it all on the line and risk it all, live a life without concern and fear of what others may think. Live a life true to myself and my desires. I mean, what could I possibly have to lose? If I die in the process, then really I have succeeded.

It's a philosophy that has caused me a lot of pain and loss, but it's one I think I take to my grave. I'm glad that I learned to take risk, even if they haven't all resulted in success, and some in failures that I'm still recovering from. I'm learning now to be ore calculated and measured when taking risks, but I don't want to shy away from them. I've made it through things and recovered from things that I never thought I could, and although I don't believe everything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger, overcoming a lot of the obstacle I've put in front of myself has forced me to become stronger. Or a tiny bit wiser, at least.


One last word from my own personal advice, if you are taking benzos and having suicidal thoughts- I'd suggest starting a taper and doing whatever it takes to get off. I can't argue that they can be very beneficial in a lot of ways, but ime, they are more problematic than beneficial overall. For me, the biggest draw backs are physical and psychological dependence, memory problems, and suicidal ideation. That is just my opinion, as I've finally gotten myself to a point where I believe that I am actually stronger without them, and that I don't need them to function like a normal human- that I can learn, adapt and grow, and to be confident in my ability to do so. Exercise, diet, and mindfulness of my internal dialogue have been pretty key this past few months.
 
AbbeyLee said:
I find it a comforting thought. I have an 18yo daughter though. If not for her..
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^^^NAILED IT! I found a little comfort reading the CDC (US) information on suicide for medical professionals, purely because I related. The number one factor (at least here) for positively impacting resilience to suicidal ideation among women is having children. If it weren't for my daughter, I would absolutely not be here.

THECATINTHEHAT said:
That's one of the really difficult things with suicidal ideation from where I stand, how do you discuss that with people with freaking them out and making them really worried. I'm not likely to act on these thoughts any time soon, but I do need to be able to discuss these thoughts, basically limited to my therapist with that one.
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^^^ Exactly, if it weren't for therapy I would literally be alone in dealing with constant ideation... Being alone does no one any good, especially with stuff like this. I found myself trying to beat that isolating feeling by coping with some really dark humor.


I have always coped by thinking about death.
 
Mum was telling me today about a story in the paper. Some woman turned up to Emergency EIGHT times telling them she was suicidal and every time they sent her away saying things like “see your doctor in the morning”. She did end up killing herself and the parents are trying to sue the hospital. I’ve heard other similar stories and the thing is, those people would be even more depressed after trying to get help and being sent away. We also have these phone lines you can call if you’re suicidal. I rang a few one night when I was really distressed (but not quite suicidal) and I couldn’t get through to a single person. So now I come to somewhere like this - there’s always someone around and they probably understand what you’re going through better than people on hotlines.
 
AbbeyLee said:
Mum was telling me today about a story in the paper. Some woman turned up to Emergency EIGHT times telling them she was suicidal and every time they sent her away saying things like “see your doctor in the morning”. She did end up killing herself and the parents are trying to sue the hospital. I’ve heard other similar stories and the thing is, those people would be even more depressed after trying to get help and being sent away. We also have these phone lines you can call if you’re suicidal. I rang a few one night when I was really distressed (but not quite suicidal) and I couldn’t get through to a single person. So now I come to somewhere like this - there’s always someone around and they probably understand what you’re going through better than people on hotlines.
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I tried to get myself committed once and they didn't do anything. It's fucked.
 
nuttynutskin said:
I tried to get myself committed once and they didn't do anything. It's fucked.
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The crisis lines list the number and say “if you are in immediate danger call 000 (Emergency in Australia)”. Well there’s a policy in hospitals a Pharmacist told me about the other day but they don’t tell us. I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of hospitals not wanting to be at the front lines of mental health crises for legal reasons.

So my motto is “never call 000” (I saw that in a movie/doco about Hunter S. Thompson or someone like that.) I went to Emergency in 2018 for a physical problem and ended up with a mental one!

I think I already said you’re better off coming here or finding someone on social media (who you trust) to talk to.
 
I can relate to this. At first I thought it was me seeking attention but then I figured out that it was the fact that I felt invisible and by having dreams of my suicide somehow made me uninvisible. Sometimes we neglect ourselves so much without noticing that we have random dreams of our lives outcome. Not because we want to die but because we want evidence that we existed. It sounds to me that you just want an event to prove your here. Sadly your dream is of your end but maybe you can try and focus on another outcome. One that truly gives you proof your alive and proof that you matter and lastly that you realise that you can have proof of existance without your death.
 
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