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Stuck in a fucked up mindset

falsifiedhypothesi

falsifiedhypothesi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
4,254
I've been messing with opiates for the better part of ten years, for the most part I never had a habit lasting more than a couple weeks at a time. For the last 2-3 years i've had an escalating kratom habit, and yes I know, kratom is probably the best opioid I could have become addicted to.

That being said, I never realized how soul crushing opiates can be when taken on a constant basis. Well, opiates and a high dosage amphetamine habit that's dormant 2 weeks out of the month.

I don't believe in the soul, but for lack of a better word, that's the best way I can describe what i'm feeling. All I feel is misery and regret, the one thing that kept me sane when I sank this low before, my cognitive acuity, seems all but gone. I don't recognize myself anymore.

Last night I ran out of kratom. I knew i'd be in withdrawal in the morning and I figured it would put me ahead of my taper if I just let myself run dry. I woke up with a strange sense of clarity, like I was seeing the world for the first time. I was withdrawing, physically I felt like hell, but my mental clarity seemed to have returned.

Today I took a bunch of amp and kratom. Now here I am, back in the same fucked up headspace. I want to go cold turkey but I have responsibilities I can't tend to if i'm sick. I've never wanted off this ride so bad. I know I don't have it nearly as bad as some, but this is eating away at my mental state, yet I keep making the same mistakes.

This is just more venting, i'll probably end up deleting this later.
 
I’m just going to be real. There is a emptiness in everyone. We try to fill it with this and that.


When I got saved I finally found what that abyss was looking for.
 
I'm tapering down right now. I was at 40 grams a day, currently somewhere around 10-15 grams a day.

Like I said, this is mostly just venting.
 
It's very unlikely that you're cognitive acuity is permanently gone. At the very least the brain fog, lack of mental agility and general cognitive "dampening" you're experiencing at the moment will be vastly mitigated with an extended period of abstinence. There have been multiple times in my life - after quitting weed, during severe depression, quitting heroin & cocaine - that I would have sworn that "this time I've really done it, my brain is damaged" since I felt so slow & hazy. The length, trajectory and degree of recovery each time was different, but the only consistent factor was that with time it would improve significantly to the point where it became imperceptible. Extended abstinence is the key term here - it takes time for the brain to recover, especially after poly-substance abuse, but please don't tell yourself all hope is lost and use that to justify continuing.
 
I agree, I should pat myself on the back, that's certainly what a normal person would do.

I didn't sleep last night. I got some adrafinil to sub for my amp but apparently i'm beyond the point of self control. I've been downing coffee and smokes all morning since I had to go into work.

Some how i'm remaining functional.
 
Opiate dependency can be really intense and when endorphins are lacking your mind is going to feel like shit, but your brain is still smart. It's not like you've done cumulative neurological damage like alcohol would have. You're still smart, all the creativity and genius is still up there. It's just like a mental fog and you can get through it.

The amphetamine use "may not" be hurting things, might be? I'd venture and say you're fine doing it the way you are but some people report similar issues from using it this way; food for thought. But I'd just work on tapering off the kratom. Is there a reason why you go through your amp half way through the month? Low dose prescription and doc won't up? Or whatever you get you're intending to do it that way? Do you feel addicted to it or is it just for fun/to get things done, clean the house etc?
 
I feel better now, still a bit dull, but better. I've cut out amp completely and decided to stabilize on my current kratom dose while I'm still adjusting.

I think it's mostly the amp abuse and sleepless nights doing me in but I still want to get clean from everything. One step at a time I guess.

Thank you all for the responses
 
Suck it up buttercup. You done the crime do the time. Just stop putting the shit in your body thats causing this its that simple. Keep ya head up and remember someone else on this planet has it much worse

what would Chuck do??

chuck-norris1.jpg


There's your answer dude.
 
Thanks. I know what needs to be done, though the execution always ends messier than intended. Now i'm off to fist fight my mind using some badass martial arts.
 
That's my boy I got your back brother. Karate chop the shit out of the bullshit! (Don't forget to grow a beard first tho! :)
 
Yes, opiates, no matter what you take/use or how you use them, they are just soul suckers. Pretty much what everyone else has been saying, taper down the best you can for now. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you slip up and have a bad day and take more than the day before or whatever. You seem to feel better when you haven’t taken anything so keep that feeling up! One day, more like one second, at a time sometimes, as they say in the meetings. It’s annoying, but it really is true
 
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