Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part IV
- Thread starter deeCee
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Donnie Darko
Greenlighter
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whats red and crawls up yer leg?
a homesick abortion
how many babies does it take to paint a house?
depends how hard u throw them
a homesick abortion
how many babies does it take to paint a house?
depends how hard u throw them
The Dumb Banana
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A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar, the priest orders a bottle of the finest scotch from the barman, sits down with the rabbi and pours a shot for them both. They end up finishing the bottle and stagger home blind rotten drunk, on the way passing an old lady writhing on the pavement like a beached whale. "Is everything okay?" asks the Priest. The old lady looks up and says "I've just sold my kneecaps on Ebay so I could afford to buy some cigarettes." The Priest and the Rabbi look at each other with a shocked expression. "Are you fucking retarded? Smoking kills thousands of people every year, it's a dirty habit only taken up by whores and pedophiles!" screamed the Rabbi at the now stunned, but still immobilised grandmother on the sidewalk. The Priest and the Rabbi scream "Heathen! as they pull thy holy Rocket Propelled Machete Launchers out of thy holy holsters and start blasting the old lady with round after round of Machetes.
After ejaculating on the corpse the Priest and The Rabbi continue their drunken stroll back home. "I haven't killed a senior citizen since I was 17, I forgot what I was missing!" exclaimed the Rabbi, giving the Priest a high-five. They both laugh as they turn onto a dark pathway through an old, abandoned forest littered with dense scrub and discarded bucket bongs. "This place gives me the heebies" whimpers the Priest. "The what!?" ask the Rabbi, slightly confused. "You know. . . Heebies. . . Heebie Jeebies" the Priest replies. The Rabbi shakes his head in disbelief, "that's perhaps the worst possible way to define fear ever conceived, if you weren't a priest I would've punched you right in the scrotum." The Priest stops walking and says "I'm a Priest, big whoop, wanna fight about it?" as he raises his fists in preparation. The Rabbi, not hesitating, lands an uppercut right to the priest's scrotum. He falls to the ground in a crumpled heap, bleeding heavily from the testicles. "I'm sorry Mr. Priest, I didn't mean to severely damage your reproductive organs!" cries the Rabbi, "is there anything I can do for you?" The Priest coughs up a small puddle of blood and says "my dying wish is to write a story that starts off like a joke, but in the end it's just a ridiculously pointless story." The Priest then coughs up his kidneys. "I don't have much time" he continues, "will you write it for me?" "Of Course!" the Rabbi says, standing up defiantly. "I won't rest until your wish is fulfilled" and runs off home. He opens his front door and in that moment, a rift in space and time is created and the universe collapses on itself, ceasing all existence as we know it.
After ejaculating on the corpse the Priest and The Rabbi continue their drunken stroll back home. "I haven't killed a senior citizen since I was 17, I forgot what I was missing!" exclaimed the Rabbi, giving the Priest a high-five. They both laugh as they turn onto a dark pathway through an old, abandoned forest littered with dense scrub and discarded bucket bongs. "This place gives me the heebies" whimpers the Priest. "The what!?" ask the Rabbi, slightly confused. "You know. . . Heebies. . . Heebie Jeebies" the Priest replies. The Rabbi shakes his head in disbelief, "that's perhaps the worst possible way to define fear ever conceived, if you weren't a priest I would've punched you right in the scrotum." The Priest stops walking and says "I'm a Priest, big whoop, wanna fight about it?" as he raises his fists in preparation. The Rabbi, not hesitating, lands an uppercut right to the priest's scrotum. He falls to the ground in a crumpled heap, bleeding heavily from the testicles. "I'm sorry Mr. Priest, I didn't mean to severely damage your reproductive organs!" cries the Rabbi, "is there anything I can do for you?" The Priest coughs up a small puddle of blood and says "my dying wish is to write a story that starts off like a joke, but in the end it's just a ridiculously pointless story." The Priest then coughs up his kidneys. "I don't have much time" he continues, "will you write it for me?" "Of Course!" the Rabbi says, standing up defiantly. "I won't rest until your wish is fulfilled" and runs off home. He opens his front door and in that moment, a rift in space and time is created and the universe collapses on itself, ceasing all existence as we know it.
Golden_Nipple
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I think I've already said the first one in another thread, but oh wells:
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot you racist!
What's three things you can't give a black guy?
A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
Hmm - gotta go, I'll post more later.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot you racist!
What's three things you can't give a black guy?
A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
Hmm - gotta go, I'll post more later.
Last edited:
9mmCensor
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Here in Canada Newfoundlanders are regarded for being slightly less intelligent than the rest of Canada. There nickname is newfie.
There is this Newfie in a bar, and he sees this beautiful woman. He downs his pint, and goes up to her.
"You are really beautiful, will ya let me kiss ya," he says.
"Sorry buddy, I have a boyfriend," she replys.
He goes back to the bar and puts back a few more pints and returns with the liquid courage to ask her one more time.
"Your so hot I just want to lick your body all over," he says, half tanked.
"Look buddy I have a bodyfriend and he huge, you say anything else to me and he will beat the living sh*t out of you, so go away and leave me alone," the girl replies.
So he goes back to the bar and starts working on some whiskey shots.
He stumbles back to her and declares,
"Your so damn hot, I just want to fill your pussy with beer and drink it."
This is when she gets really mad, "Thats it buddy, you'd better take off because I am getting my boyfriend and he's gonna kill you," and she storms off.
She finds her boyfriend who is huge, with massive pipes, playing pool, "Whats wrong babe?" he asks.
"This guy has said some horrible things," she tells him.
"He said he wanted to kiss me."
Her boyfriend starts rolling his sleaves up.
"He said he wanted to lick my body."
He starts cracking his knuckles ready to pound this guy.
"He said he wanted to fill my pussy with beer and drink it."
To her dismay, her boyfriends stops cracking his knuckles and rolls his sleaves down.
"What," she says, "you arent going to beat him up?"
"No way babe, I aint gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."
There is this Newfie in a bar, and he sees this beautiful woman. He downs his pint, and goes up to her.
"You are really beautiful, will ya let me kiss ya," he says.
"Sorry buddy, I have a boyfriend," she replys.
He goes back to the bar and puts back a few more pints and returns with the liquid courage to ask her one more time.
"Your so hot I just want to lick your body all over," he says, half tanked.
"Look buddy I have a bodyfriend and he huge, you say anything else to me and he will beat the living sh*t out of you, so go away and leave me alone," the girl replies.
So he goes back to the bar and starts working on some whiskey shots.
He stumbles back to her and declares,
"Your so damn hot, I just want to fill your pussy with beer and drink it."
This is when she gets really mad, "Thats it buddy, you'd better take off because I am getting my boyfriend and he's gonna kill you," and she storms off.
She finds her boyfriend who is huge, with massive pipes, playing pool, "Whats wrong babe?" he asks.
"This guy has said some horrible things," she tells him.
"He said he wanted to kiss me."
Her boyfriend starts rolling his sleaves up.
"He said he wanted to lick my body."
He starts cracking his knuckles ready to pound this guy.
"He said he wanted to fill my pussy with beer and drink it."
To her dismay, her boyfriends stops cracking his knuckles and rolls his sleaves down.
"What," she says, "you arent going to beat him up?"
"No way babe, I aint gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."
ControlDenied
Bluelighter
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9mmCensor said:
Usually by assholes from Ontario.
ControlDenied
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hahah. Good old screech...yeh I wasn't accusing you of it or anything, but I personally like newfies, being from the maritimes and all (I visited NF this last summer). Sure they're slightly backwards, but what do you expect, they live on an isolated island and they're a bunch of fat crackers of Irish descent
oooooh I'm going to the Hell for politically-insensivitive racists!!!
oooooh I'm going to the Hell for politically-insensivitive racists!!!
katmeow
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ControlDenied
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So delightfully EVIL
NO!!! We must PRAY for our brothers and sisters at Virgina Cal Tech! We must cry for this incident, as if we actually knew them, because it makes our spiritless middle-class asses feel good about ourselves!
NO!!! We must PRAY for our brothers and sisters at Virgina Cal Tech! We must cry for this incident, as if we actually knew them, because it makes our spiritless middle-class asses feel good about ourselves!
ControlDenied
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^ That comment makes so much more sense if you imagine your avatar as the guy saying it
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