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Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

:D

EDit: One more.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
 
Jesus Christ goes into a hotel, puts three nails on the reception desk and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
 
samadhi jogged my memory in the frown thread for this one

Q: What does sex and air have in common

A: They're only important when you're not getting them
 
Q: why are women's arseholes and vagina holes so close together?
A: so you can hold 'em like a 6pack

Q: why do indian women have a red dot on there forehead?
(point with a stabbing action towards person's forhead in time to answer)
A: coz they WON'T FUCKEN' LISTEN!!
 
Another Beaconsfield joke....

What do Beaconsfield and the Collingwood Football Club have in common?
They both fucked Carlton last week.
 
Sick, twisted and very very wrong

Why don't men have cellulite?
Because it looks terrible.

How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake

Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make?

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
Smack her across the face

What's the smartest thing to have come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's c0ck

what's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the womens shelter
The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once
 
What does a Vesper and a fat chick have in common?

They are both a great ride but you don't tell you mates about them
 
Sad, sad, oh so sad... :)

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!

And a nice sad attempt at a joke for the road....
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
 
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
 
A guy goes into a doctors surgery with an embarassing problem.The doctor sits him down and asks him whats wrong.The guy pulls down his pants and says "HERES THE PROBLEM" showing the doctor his bright orange dick.

The doc tkaes one look at it and says "Woah! Thats quite an ailment. Looks like some sort of STD. Tell me, how many unprotected sexual partners have you had in the past month?"

The guy thinks and says "Well, none actually..."

"Ok. What about in the past 6 months?"

The guy, now looking slightly sheepish, replies "Well.... None..."

"I see. Well what about in the past 5 years?"

Now, the guy is beet red and mumbles "None. I've never had a sexual partner"

"Well what do you do with all your spare time?"

"Not much. Just eat Twisties and watch porn."
 
^ lol. that sounds like me, except for the twisties ... and the porn

(no time to watch porn - too busy masturbating)
 
The Aristocrats

Cartman tell an 'Aristocrats' joke
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1121515128

If you wanna know wtf its all about, here the wiki page
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(joke)
The Aristocrats (also known as The Debonaires and The Sophisticates in some tellings) is a joke alleged to have been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Steven Wright has likened it to a secret handshake among comedians, and it is seen as something of a game in which those who tell it try to top each other in terms of shock value.
 
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