I'm taking up the mandolin. Found a Music teacher, we may but heads, but I think she will be great. She is the real deal and I'm going to get a nice dose of music theory with this. Picking out and purchasing a decent instrument in the next week.
I cuddled and wrestled my baby girl for 45 minutes after we woke up! Her smiles and laughter was welcome after staying up late with our doggo (infections in both ears ).
I've thought of suicide twice today casually, but things haven't been as bad today as they were yesterday. While I've been depressed things have been really so far behind... well I accidentally killed her fish when I finally cleaned the tank. Last night I found a doppleganger and managed a successful switch so she wouldn't be heartbroken. And ya know what?? HE'S STILL ALIVE AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE!!!
It's really kinda funny that even though life has been super shit, like a mortgage payment behind and no money for christmas/healthcare, the little things can be enough to smile at again. I'm 5ish months clean with one baby relapse, but if you haven't gotten that far just know it actually does get a little better.
SO is doing well and healing nicely (as far as I can tell).
Have yet to go into work this week as she needs someone to help her about: They were supposed to afford home-care day after release (yesterday) but no show.... Thankful I am physically able to provide that support.
Sucks that my check will leave us pretty much in the poor house for a min but they need to learn to make it without me there holding their fucking hand(s).
Today does not suck as SO is still with me (for now) and knocking down road-blocks like a MF.
I just discovered the artist Riff Raff for the first time. I have no idea how the dude is so slept on. He bonds satire and professionalism. He’s always hinting at profound ass shit that people are snoring on because they can’t get their own projections/ pre-conceived ideas on him out of their heads I guess?
Anyways check out his song Time on YouTube. Go down the Riff Raff hole. Become a “Real Boy” y’all.
Created a new bank account system for myself so I can be completely without drugs and finish my drivers lisence shiet and get adhd tests done. Propably also solved some of my hurt issues on mdma, by simply being rational.
I opened the curtains this morning and saw what a beautiful day it was, and instead of thinking "Fuck, I should be out there doing things like normal people do," I thought "It's beautiful out there, I wanna go ride my bike by the river."
Then, instead of thinking "But there'll be heaps of people on the bike path and it'll be stressful and awful and a waste of time and anyway I have to clean the house and I could just go tomorrow and and and..." - instead of that, I just got my shit and went for a ride. And it was really nice.
So I guess maybe I'm finally chipping away at my anxiety a bit.
Today was okay... 1 month behind on the mortgage, but made two sales in my Mercari "shop" and went to my daughter's preschool Thanksgiving program today. It's hard to look normal like the other parents... but it's getting easier!
something postive huh, made 400 bucks, haven't left the house today except to go check out the mailbox
and my mother has yet to notice for 5-7 days now that the housecoat over her computer chair is actually there because i sharpened a sword while high as shit on meth and amps then thought it was a great idea to tape a piece of paper to the chair and take a swing at the paper to see if it was sharp welllllll its sharp incase you're wondering and we'll leave it at that.