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Deep Share a Secret

MrsGamp

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
702
Location
Australia
One of mine is that until recently I was a kleptomaniac in supermarkets and department stores.

It started just cos I was broke so often, and it was either pinch some food or sit in the street with a hat and a sign.

But once I realised how easy it was, I went a bit beserk. This was when I was still with my ex and he encouraged me (or, sometimes, bullied me...like, "can you just sort of pocket this portable phone charger"?

The only thing to be said for me is that I made a point of never shoplifting from little shops or places where I knew the staff.

But I must've ripped off Coles-Myer to the tune of at least $20,000.

Since I've been single again (and the unemployment benefit has been doubled because of COVID) I've stopped. It's sort of too demoralising.

The only thing I refuse to pay for on principle is water.
 

alarminglynefarious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
414
Location
toronto
i feel so fucking alone in this world. i pretend it's completely by choice but then i realize i have noone to share a laugh or a tear with anymore. i torched all the most important bridges in my life.
and i keep doing it. there's something - a buncha things just fucked with my head.
i swear to god i'm trying to be a better man and i think that thats one of my endearing virtues that does show through, that i am really trying to get this life thing right now...

i have 2 honors arts degrees, i had success in career, in relationships, had family friends all that. then things changed. and i just started torching relationships over littler and littler shit because fuck it. i would give everything to just be a normal happy person, i'm almost done my third degree - this time paid for with straight cash too - i worked hard for all this but i still don't feel like it's mine - i feel like a collossal failure and fuck up and most people who know me would agree - regardless of what my skills and my level of education are.

my life is a complete fucking mess. i'd start figuring out how to fix it but for now it's more about getting through it.
 

alarminglynefarious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
414
Location
toronto
thanks for acknowledging that with some kindness - i pretend i don't have any room left for it and i do it so well sometimes i convince myself.

I guess noone put me on this path but myself - noone made my choices for me, i'm not one to allow circumstance the credit to govern over my life - you won't catch me blaming fate. I control my life. I made some shit decisions - i made some masochistic ass choices - i was much more of an idealist and i was younger. Now i'm in my 30s and i know that ain't nobody fuck my life up but me.

There were people who literally directed the trainwreck of shit it's turned to, but i was the one and only driver - always. I used to blame the love of my life and i not working out and her subsequent addiction disorders and her jibwhore circumstances as they are now on the fact that i was born the wrong colour and her parents would go to the most extreme lengths to make sure someone non-caucasian didn't set foot in their one stoplight (seriously) one gas station (again for real) fucking hick village - let alone date their daughter. I used to see it as they drove her to worse and worse drugs to deal and obviously we didn't survive as a couple but we had a loooooooooong run of on and off and it's really more one of those always on "why the fuck are we doing this to ourselves and each other" type fuckeries.

Now i know that i could have manned up and realized it was fantasy in my head - real life knew it was never going to work out. I guess i had never been so blatantly discriminated against.

Whatever. However you wrap it. Racist parents cause so much stress that their daughter now sells herself so she can keep on not feeling - she's got multiple STDs and it's the biggest reminder that i have to myself to not let people get close. Or insane deluded 20 year olds think they can change deep seated generational racism.

Or you can blame just me and my devilish charm and my talent at corrupting woman that come in my company just spontaneously
 

alarminglynefarious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
414
Location
toronto
i'm actually a pretty shit human being. people think sometimes that i'm a good person or some shit. i couldn't care less about most people. I have 15 facebook friends. I'm proud of that number as compared to 700 contacts plus on LinkedIn. There won't be a 16 until i make room for one. because let me be crystal clear, if the time came where i had to decide between everyone else and these 15 people y'all would be retching sulphur in a heartbeat. and like 10 of those people are just there so that like 5 are happy and comfortable.

i'm the typa dude that would mark up a cancer medication til only Rockefellers and Nobles could afford it, i'd buy Wu-Tang's record label fuck an album and own all their music not a one off quirky art-piece idea.
i would snatch food from your infants lips if my grown ass friend hadn't eaten, and i'd give you a patented crazy face cuteye [i think most of us have developed a "i'm so far gone you really dont wanna try me cuz i'll fuck around and take chunks out your face with my teeth i'm nuts" face - while doing it. i would lie to you about anything or nothing. i would take pleasure in fucking with you if you were simple and entertaining. i'd talk shit about your habits while high on the same shit. I wouldn't steal your shit just cuz of my own ego, i wouldn't hurt a woman cuz i have a mother and sisters and a lot of females i've been very close to in my life. i wouldn't you know injure you unless i perceived any malice from you first but it's really an excuse of red tape with me. As soon as you violate i'm smiling cuz i get to break my rules now too.

i have done incredibly low shit, i have done some amazing shit that of course i am fucking proud of myself for - but in the end what this is all about is my complete lack of a fuck whether it's some ridiculously crooked shit or ridiculously good shit. i do anything i do because i think it'll be entertaining when i surmount the task. i'd take just as much pleasure and be just as proud of carrying out a flawless crime - even a heinous one, at least within the realm of crimes i would perpetrate. i've got secrets that few or noone knows that i still smile about and some are twisted sociopathic and alarmingly nefarious. hence the name.

the reason y'all see a cordial conversational side of me is i've incorporated y'all as being "people like me" and therefore a part of my in-group otherwise i promise noone would want me on this site for more than 5 posts. i am antisocial for sure not sure whether i'm a psychopath or a sociopath or borderline or anything, i know i'm diagnosed bipolar - that's fine but there's definitely more. i stopped empathizing with people or caring about them at all or how my interactions affected them long ago somewhere growing up. i don't know if i ever had it to be honest. i've just gotten to a stage where i can balance my personality into being functional and accept that there is a looooot of chaos in me and the little bit of order i pretend i have over how much i lose touch and completely stop seeing people as worth anything at all but the secret is, i don't know that i have any such mechanism. it's just a bluff.
 

alarminglynefarious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
414
Location
toronto
i can't bust from head?

only one woman has had the skill and before you say it let me say it for you "no men." lol
she fucking got spartan when i told her no girl had made me cum with just head i was like 23 at that point - tied her hair back basically pushed me on my back like "nuhuh i'm about to change that -" and it took her all that intensity and determination - still took me forever.

i'm cut maybe thats a factor - or i've just been unlucky as a 30 year old good enough looking male who basically spent the age of 13-27 in long term relationships and none of these girls could give head which i don't believe is the case. lol thought i'd lighten it up after spilling some vantablack above - that was just my soul.
 
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