• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

September H&R Thread v. Doggo

Therapy can help w/ certain anxiety-provoking triggers, etc. and what not. It's not a fix-all but it can be part of the solution too. :)

Getting out and doing stuff will make you feel great even if you didn't to begin with. Just push yourself through and before you know it, it'll be going great :)
 
This month has been good as far as abstaining from booze. Only one day I drank and it was just a 40. Now if all of my other problems would just go away that would be great.
 
feeling lonely/alone. esp. after my significant other passed away. just empty.

Hope you start to feel better Captain. I'm still feeling rough. It's my situation more than anything. I'm stuck in life right now...probably going to violate probation over money issues and without a vehicle I've been having a hell of a time finding a job. I keep applying at places and getting interviews, for some of the most pathetic jobs but nada. The only thing within walking distance is a gas station and dollar store a mile and a half away. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over as I'm spending too much time in my head because of free time. Any job would improve my fortunes exponentially. As it is I have taken a shot of whiskey at noon just to forget about all the things that need to and can't be done.
 
Last edited:
Aah nah. If you ain't street smart, off scene and can't bust moves then take the knife, comrade

nephew, its okay dude I was rock bottom too but hey, skatin lifted me the fuck up

and then well I became Shady, and from that day we still don't know what colour her squirrel was
 
Hope you start to feel better Captain. I'm still feeling rough. It's my situation more than anything. I'm stuck in life right now...probably going to violate probation over money issues and without a vehicle I've been having a hell of a time finding a job. I keep applying at places and getting interviews, for some of the most pathetic jobs but nada. The only thing within walking distance is a gas station and dollar store a mile and a half away. I'm just ready for this part of my life to be over as I'm spending too much time in my head because of free time. Any job would improve my fortunes exponentially. As it is I have taken a shot of whiskey at noon just to forget about all the things that need to and can't be done.
Stay strong. Everyone who encounters and knows me in real life can tell I’m not well.
 
Feeling good today, if a little bored but at least I'm not suffering the existential dread I was caught up in yesterday. Day 22 kratom free. It's funny because I barely suffered any withdrawal symptoms from quitting but what little withdrawal symptoms I did suffer have stuck around for a long time. The insomnia is getting worse. I literally slept 1hr last night and I am always so hot when I lay down. I noticed that every time I quit opiates that as soon as the sun starts to rise I am unable to sleep. I even have blinds with thick leather curtains that block almost all light but my eyes are so sensitive that no matter when I fall asleep I wake to the grey morning hinting at its presence behind the curtains. I get a very uncomfortable jolt of either adrenaline or cortisone. That anxious feeling recedes when I open my eyes or start to move but if I close my eyes again I quickly get hit again so I have to get up.

My mouth has been really dry despite drinking lots of water. I think that the sleep disturbance has a lot to do with it but also the kava, which I quit several days ago. My skin started to get really dry, my lips are pealing and my mouth has felt like a desert. I had to drop that shit just like the kratom. Both are serious diaretics and made me feel constantly dehydrated and having to pee. I also noticed that both substances really do a number on your looks because of the dehydration.

Hope everyone is having a good day. Probably sounds like I am just complaining about a lot of shit but it honestly helps to be fully aware of exactly what these substances have done to me, so that I never go back because the legality and easy access makes the appeal stronger if I forget the what and why of quitting. The draw can become very deceptive. My addiction tries to trick me by downplaying kratom and telling me I didn't feel that bad and that it was better than how I feel now. It keeps trying to convince me that I am going to be suffering this anxiety and depression for ever because it is my natural state but I know that's bullshit. There is going to be good days and bad days. Soon, if I put in the work, the good days will out number the bad days. I would be kicking myself for sure, back at day one again if I gave in, so nowhere left to go but forward..... No matter where that road takes me.
 
I got great sleep last night. Insomnia is terrible.

Focusing on relaxing and catching up on stuff.
 
hope everyone is having a good week.

i'm off work sick, i've felt crappy all week but today on top of a cold something made my stomach erosion flare up today so i had to come home. its so uncomfortable. i don't understand it, alcohol and anxiety set it off and neither apply right now.
 
Insomnia does suck. Hope you feel better Chinup. I never noticed being sick when I was using.

Speaking of insomnia.... It is kicking Somnilicious' ass. I am still kratom free because that wouldn't solve anything but I have only slept 5hrs in the last 72. I worked the last 2 days climbing up and down scaffolding. WTF is wrong with me? 4 of the hrs of sleep were only because I took 1500 mg of gabapentin and then drank a shit ton of alcohol. Other than that, I have been completely sober. This is ridiculous. I am 25 days kratom free. My insomnia has reached epic proportions. I don't even know. I'm out.
 
Last edited:
I have very good insomnia medications and it still doesn't do it sometimes. Some days I'll just go w/o meds and go into a 2nd day. This is with little/no tolerance, or as rx'd, doesn't matter. Hit or miss. Can't get anything stronger thanks to the feds. Thank you TRUMP TRAIN. :|

Fucking feds.

I know BZD's tend to be abusable/drugs of problem for many here but it is *highly medicinal* for people like me. I wouldn't be alive today without it.
 
I agree with you about benzos, I think they're definitely a legitimate treatment when not abused. I'd still be on a lowish dose of clonazepam if it were up to me, but doctors know best right? GAD sucks, although I'm sure ptsd is a lot worse.
 
somni that sounds brutal. you are doing really well. i am not averse to using stuff to help you sleep in the early days. i was allowed zopiclone in rehab cos i'd been recently prescribed it, and it was a godsend. we all understand the risks of cross addiction but i think sleep disturbance for some people (i.e. definitely me) poses a real risk of relapsing onto more dangerous drugs, so while not ideal i wouldn't beat yourself up if you need something to help you sleep. it gets better.

my stomach is still not good. i am having to miss work again which i feel stressed about. apparently gastritis can flare up due to viral infections, so i think that's what happened. this is a direct consequence of drinking, even though i haven't drunk excessively for 6 years. i can't move, black tea and cigs make it worse. its fucking annoying cos i know opiates massively help for some reason, i've never just ridden this out. i really hope i can.
 
I agree with you about benzos, I think they're definitely a legitimate treatment when not abused. I'd still be on a lowish dose of clonazepam if it were up to me, but doctors know best right? GAD sucks, although I'm sure ptsd is a lot worse.
it's just the flashbacks and panic that *have to stop* as people act out in states like that (or can, rather, not everyone does) and people don't understand why 28% of people with ptsd attempt suicide at least once. It's a very serious condition.

I'm doing better though, taking less medicine and feeling better.
 
glad you're doing better CH.

i have been closer to using today than i have in a long time. my stomach is doing my nut in. you don't really understand what 'permanent damage' means until its 7 years later and hits you out the blue. it was a lot better for most of the day, then got massively worse again while i was at a meeting. luckily my friend from the meeting came with me to a pharmacy cos when they wouldn't serve me if i'd been on my own i'm pretty sure i'd have scored- i know dark really helps my stomach, and i feel like shit so knowing that i could score almost directly from the pakistani community (they import it, so its less cut, the difference is like injecting vs smoking honestly) is playing on my mind a bit. really hope i feel better tomorrow.
 
Don't @chinup... Hang in there. I'm sorry you don't feel well. You know the cravings come in cycles. We are just so used to fixing unpleasant feelings and experiences with chemicals. It is our brains default setting but this will pass.

Using would just immediately reignite those cravings. Those pathways are already hard wired. It always finds a back door in and before you know it you've lost everything. I traveled this road many times. I had over a year and fell.

Life has ups and downs but we don't have to use. It is never the solution. To borrow an AA saying... "There is nothing a drink couldnt make worse."

You are a beacon of light in this thread.... Lady of light to be precise

It's selfish but I need you. I feel like you are a friend and your influence and success means so much to me. I love you because as an addict I know you so well. It would truly break my heart if you stumbled. I cheer you on and in doing so I am inspiring my self forward..... Virtual HUGS sweetheart.

Hey CH... Hang in there buddy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I suffer with quickly shifting mood swings. I have always hid it and projected confidence, while wearing a happy mask but t Iv started to get more in tune and real with myself. I no longer run from those feelings and if learned to sit with them and view them objectively. I am much better at coping than I was in the past. Same goes to you buddy. I need and love you. You walked the path and showed others the way. Life can kick our ass sometimes and your going through so much but things can change so quickly when we are ready. Hang in there. You have come so far.

I got payed today and treated myself to a little gabapentin. Still not sleeping and it really affected me today. I don't know if Im ready to be completely clean. I just know what I can and can't do.

I'm waiting on LSD I'm supposed to receive next week. It has honestly been instrumental in my personal growth and recovery. I don't plan on stopping psychedelic s anytime soon. I am actually planning a South American Ayahuasca retreat and kicking myself for not doing it on my 2 trips to Columbia. Instead I spent all the time I wasnt site seeing with hookers drinking, smoking pot, popping pharm pills and consuming copious amounts of cheap blow. It was debauchery to an extreme.

I'm so happy to be where I am in life. It's been a tough road but I wouldn't change my experiences for anything because they have made me who I am and I love that person today..

Love you guys.
 
thanks somni, that means a lot. i'm thankfully feeling quite a bit better cold wise today, which should help.

you are totally right about not being used to riding out bad feelings, i'm really not at all. i have never ridden this out before. in fact i'd love shit like this cos it gave me an excuse to use. i really don't want to lose everything. thankfully my friend is coming over today and my mum is coming over tomorrow, so that should keep me out of trouble.

i wouldn't beat yourself up about scoring something to help you sleep, as long as you don't cross addict, making yourself more comfortable now will help you stay strong.

your trip to colombia sounds fun, part of me still craves a bit of debauchery. but i'm able to realise pretty quickly how bad it would go. this time last year i was wishing i could just move to somewhere where you can get b&w, cheap and good, and use until i died.
 
I was diagnosed with PTSD and I suffer with quickly shifting mood swings. I have always hid it and projected confidence, while wearing a happy mask but t Iv started to get more in tune and real with myself. I no longer run from those feelings and if learned to sit with them and view them objectively. I am much better at coping than I was in the past. Same goes to you buddy. I need and love you. You walked the path and showed others the way. Life can kick our ass sometimes and your going through so much but things can change so quickly when we are ready. Hang in there. You have come so far.
Because I lost the love of my life this year due to passive euthanasia from passive alcoholism, months after my cat died and a few months before *another very personal loss*, my disorder has only gotten worse. I think about suicide every day. I will get triggered, break down and start crying in seconds. I am starting to exhibit other mental health symptoms. I'm considering going on benefits/disability for a while because life has become hell for me.

I've tried so many things. I had *years* of no BZD, bupe use and my PTSD only got worse, did not improve. None of the traditional/research PTSD medications work. I KNOW WHAT WORKS but the feds SUCK AT LIFE. Fuck the DEA. Fuck the feds I'm so incensed. But accepting it.

If anyone feels they are at the snapping point, don't give up hope, you have options that I haven't yet explored. Take care of yourselves guys. It's an every day battle for me. <3
 
CH have you tried EMDR or the accelerated version? it really really helped me. its not a cure, but its good enough that it lulled me into a false sense of security for so long it didn't occur to me i needed to still get help. i had to learn the hard way (remember my posts from March/April time?) but i'd still vouch for it, even when i was badly suffering i wasn't being strangled or raped every time i closed my eyes anymore.

if you think time out would help then go for it, but i'd be careful. unstructured time always made me way worse, it was essentially giving the extra time to anorexia/addiction, not taking it for me.
 
Top