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Send mental help asap

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poptarts69

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2016
Messages
49
What do you when you don’t trust life or anything and anyone else?
I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried medication. I’ve tried healthy diet and exercise. I’ve tried moving to a new city, starting a new life, exploring new interests.
Almost four years ago I abused magic mushrooms and (i think) gave myself a very very mild version of schizophrenia.

Everything changed at that point. I was no longer my former self. I ended up doing really well for a few years due to me not knowing there was anything wrong with me. I remember asking the mushrooms when I was high- I want to feel like this all the time. Please give it to me. And so it was.

I succeeded and excelled for two and a half years of pure sobriety- I used to be a daily smoker, occasional pill popper, etc.
I realized that it all effected me differently. I couldn’t go back to my old ways- I tried using weed and ecstasy when I went back to school after the entire life changing event happened and went to the hospital for drug Induced psychosis.

Anyway my life was good for a few years after , but then I wanted more. I wanted to do everything more. And be the person of my dreams that didn’t feel like the ways of a monk- refrain from material and sensational pleasure.

I want to be like normal people. I want to go back to my old self. My relationships are crumbling, I’m failing at my job, I’m unhappy as hell. I don’t want to turn to medication as I don’t believe in crutches- I want to be at a happy, normal baseline always without assistance or need of anything else.

All the things I want right now require me to be my old self. I don’t want to be so emotional, so dumb, so yogi/monk like, I just want to be regular. I want to be a vp of sales or start my own business and have the hottest girl, I just haven’t been able to come close to that. And I want to do it without medication or strict lifestyle changes.

Any thoughts?
 
We human beings are complicated and fucking abnormal. I'm so alone and high right now and I hate it.
I don't think I can form clarity within my post here right now but somehow I feel you.
 
poptarts69 said:
I don’t want to turn to medication as I don’t believe in crutches.
Click to expand...

Crutches have their uses.
Say you injured your leg. It hurts when you try to walk. You could
a) seek medical help, using crutches for the time being to avoid doing more damage to your leg, and doing physical therapy to speed up the healing process.
b) just keep taking more and more opioids to nullify the pain until it eventually becomes unsustainable.
 
poptarts69 said:
I want to be like normal people.
Click to expand...
Being normal, in a world where burning forests and war on drugs and hunger are normal, that's the last thing I'd want.


poptarts69 said:
And I want to do it without medication or strict lifestyle changes.
Any thoughts?
Click to expand...

You want an omelette but you'd rather not crack any eggs? How come you want to change your life but you're not up for any strict lifestyle changes?

That's the kind of thought big pharma wants you to have. "I wanna lose weight but no exercise and of course no diet changes so let's try that new pill..."

Although I certainly think you can do a lot of progress on your own, I'll also warn you that depression and other conditions are not your fault, in the neoliberal sense that you failed, you didn't work hard enough etc. Our economy is fucked up, it makes a messof our only available planet, it concentrates wealth more and more in the hands of the 1% and the others are left at their own sake and, worse, thinking it's all their own fault. Please try to wake up. It's not easy, but if you wake up, other people who are awake will have a healthier life with one more being who's not sedated.
 
The past is not accessible, only the present and what is to come. How can you have the things that require you to be a way that you can no longer be? What used to be is no longer, and there is no going back. All that can be done is making sense of what is and moving from there, nothing else.
 
Nothing is ever the same from that first trip on psychedelics. Using them heavily leads to alot of changes as your sense of self is totally destroyed. Been yogi/monk like is a blessing. I know that feeling though sometimes feeling like mabye it would of been better if you never took that trip through time and space.

Start a routine of guided meditation 10-20 minutes a day to clear your thoughts up and ground yourself back in reality. Find a new hobby to do join a club etc make new realtionships while the existing ones fall apart. If you hate your job reskill yourself and find a new job that you have passion about.

Sometimes you might have to go back and take another psychedelic trip to feel complete espically if you used them alot over the years they are a intergral part of your life. 1-2 times a year is enough to keep alot of ex trippers i know in the zone.
 
heatlessbbq said:
Keep going.

Trust the process. If You don't the universe will bite You.
Click to expand...
But what is that process..... I need a lot of guidance and it’s very hard to do things on my own. There’s things that I want but I’m afraid I can’t attain them due to my condition. My head says I’d need medication , etc to reach them
I’m done and over “letting things happen” I want and need deliberate action. Half the times when I go after what I want I get brutally denied
 
I would recommend LSD but you have had drug induced psychosis before so it would carry some risk.
 
I went through a period for years where I wished to be "normal" again, after I tripped and my world turned upside down... I just felt like it would be easier to be just like everyone else. But over time I have learned to embrace being unique. You need to just be YOU, and be comfortable with that. One thing that really helped me was moving away from where I grew up, and eventually getting involved in festival culture. It's incredibly inspiring to see everyone around you being proud to be a "freak" (as if that's a bad thing). As someone said above, being "normal" sucks. Normal people are the ones allowing all the bad shit that's going on today to happen. Normal people shape their personalities to societal expectations and never really delve into who they are at the core.

Humans have a terrible "grass is greener" (the grass is greener on the other side, as they say) complex. We tend to idealize other peoples' lives, we want what we don't have. That guy who has all the money and the job and the hottest girl? That is has a gaping hole in his soul that he doesn't maybe even realize is there. His money can't make him feel simply content, it's always MORE, MORE. His girl just loves his money, she's gonna have his kid and divorce him and take half his net worth. His friends are more like opportunists. Is he truly happy? Is he free?

The happiest people are those who know who they are, who know what they love, who embrace the wonder of existence. If you just spend your effort working on what you love, the rest will fall into place. That is one of the most important secrets in life. Success is not measured by material wealth. That means nothing (though of course we need to be able to support ourselves and believe me, I understand how stressful that can be). If you devote yourself to what you love, then even if you financially struggle, you're going to be happy and fulfilled. For me, it's music (it took me 30 years to realize that). I have no idea where it's going to lead, but playing in my band is the best thing in the world, it's its own reward. If we never make it big, I will still look back when I'm old and think "that was awesome". Engaging in what you love does a lot of things for you. It helps you to like and then love yourself, it surrounds you with like-minded people, your earnestness attracts positive people to you, you have the chance to become truly great at something, because you're passionate about it.

You're looking around at the mass of people living "normal" lives, and thinking everything is perfect for them, but it's not. I've known quite a number of wealthy people and many of them are miserable human being who have a bunch of cars, a huge house, and a trophy wife. I don't envy that, I pity it. A lot of people never get the chance to glimpse behind the curtain through psychedelics. I understand your turmoil.... I was there for a few years, too. But now (and for a long time), I wouldn't change my transformation for anything.

Our society is sick, it's a blessing to be able to realize that and not buy into it. Even if it's sometimes harder. At least it's YOUR life you're living and not the life some magazine or commercial or TV show told you to live.
 
@Xorkoth this is random but you seem like a cool ass dude. For real.

I know your a fixture around bluelight and I have read a lot of your stuff. You are intriguing to me. Something about your posts...you just seem fucking cool.
 
Aw, shucks. :) I try to be a chill, supportive guy, so that means a lot. :)
 
Xorkoth said:
I went through a period for years where I wished to be "normal" again, after I tripped and my world turned upside down... I just felt like it would be easier to be just like everyone else. But over time I have learned to embrace being unique. You need to just be YOU, and be comfortable with that. One thing that really helped me was moving away from where I grew up, and eventually getting involved in festival culture. It's incredibly inspiring to see everyone around you being proud to be a "freak" (as if that's a bad thing). As someone said above, being "normal" sucks. Normal people are the ones allowing all the bad shit that's going on today to happen. Normal people shape their personalities to societal expectations and never really delve into who they are at the core.

Humans have a terrible "grass is greener" (the grass is greener on the other side, as they say) complex. We tend to idealize other peoples' lives, we want what we don't have. That guy who has all the money and the job and the hottest girl? That is has a gaping hole in his soul that he doesn't maybe even realize is there. His money can't make him feel simply content, it's always MORE, MORE. His girl just loves his money, she's gonna have his kid and divorce him and take half his net worth. His friends are more like opportunists. Is he truly happy? Is he free?

The happiest people are those who know who they are, who know what they love, who embrace the wonder of existence. If you just spend your effort working on what you love, the rest will fall into place. That is one of the most important secrets in life. Success is not measured by material wealth. That means nothing (though of course we need to be able to support ourselves and believe me, I understand how stressful that can be). If you devote yourself to what you love, then even if you financially struggle, you're going to be happy and fulfilled. For me, it's music (it took me 30 years to realize that). I have no idea where it's going to lead, but playing in my band is the best thing in the world, it's its own reward. If we never make it big, I will still look back when I'm old and think "that was awesome". Engaging in what you love does a lot of things for you. It helps you to like and then love yourself, it surrounds you with like-minded people, your earnestness attracts positive people to you, you have the chance to become truly great at something, because you're passionate about it.

You're looking around at the mass of people living "normal" lives, and thinking everything is perfect for them, but it's not. I've known quite a number of wealthy people and many of them are miserable human being who have a bunch of cars, a huge house, and a trophy wife. I don't envy that, I pity it. A lot of people never get the chance to glimpse behind the curtain through psychedelics. I understand your turmoil.... I was there for a few years, too. But now (and for a long time), I wouldn't change my transformation for anything.

Our society is sick, it's a blessing to be able to realize that and not buy into it. Even if it's sometimes harder. At least it's YOUR life you're living and not the life some magazine or commercial or TV show told you to live.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your response. That really touched on a lot of key points I think about. im cool with being me, I think I’m pretty alright, it’s just scientifically it feels like something is wrong. My doctor said I have something like schizoaffective and it pains me seeing the world interact the way it does knowing I will never be a part of that. I want people to come up to me, I want to have lasting serious long conversations, I want to do things effortlessly. But now it feels like I’m disabled on a spiritual wheelchair and I’m doomed. I don’t know what to do, because medication doesn’t always work for me and the side effects are horrible. I feel like there is a way out of this but I don’t know what. Literally all I want for Christmas and my birthday this year is to have a normal functioning brain. I will lose everything if I keep going on this way. Whatever is wrong, excess dopamine / fried prefrontal cortex I want it fixed and I need it now.
 
It actually really bums me out seeing people interact all nice and normal and then there’s me, always being ridiculous. I want to still be that way don’t get me wrong, but I also want to balance it with normal. So I can actually make connections with people and have lasting relationships.
 
Ah that sucks man, I'm sorry. I hope you can have hope though. How old are you? The twenties are really intense, maybe you already know that since I don't know how old you are. It's important to always believe you can become who you want to be. Just gotta do it one day at a time. Schizoaffective is a rather imprecise term, IMO. It says mroe about where you're at in your head right now, than it does some sort of damage to your hardware.
 
There's a logical flaw in including the claim you don't believe in crutches in a cry for help post.

Sometimes you just need to swallow your DARE-induced pride and chemically hack that shit man.

Physics, chemistry, psychology, neurology, field a, field b, there's no supremacy going on. Whatever works. Alcoholism, dissociatives, whatever..
 
If your depression has a biological basis you can either self medicate or seek treatment. I recommend the latter. And yes I understand your resistance to seeking treatment, I've had depression for about 40 years. If you have major depression I'd say it's almost impossible to do all the things you want to do without some kind of medical treatment.
 
The way you feel right now is probably due to the realisation that you are now incompatible with at least 95% of the people on this planet.
That makes you probably feel lonely, unable to fit in any place in this world.
I'm not sure that going back is going to be entirely possible, even if you do get into doing the things you say you want, do you really think you will enjoy them without a second thought?
Instead of trying to walk back, you need to go forward, trying to find a place for you that you like.
 
Doctors have tried to diagnose me as schizophrenic numerous times from what they've seen me display in my actions and fron what my loved ones say. I speak to myself allowed quite a bit and i can't control it just happens especially in times of stress. When i developed HPPD in my twenties from HEAVY psychedlic use only few could understand, unless you've run in circles like PD fam.

The floors and walls have never stopped breathing our the letters wiggle and sherm. The sun hasn't stopped shifting colours or my minds eye visualizations. I've never come down all the way, doctors wanna throw a label but its more complex then that. The anxiety that accompanied the "disorder" faded as i wrapped my head around it. Now ive accepted my place as a Wander of sorts in the depth of the Psyche, pulling bits and pieces from the Collective Conscious for us all to share.

People i meet IRL think im batshit crazy but i chew up some shrooms with them if their willing and try to share the light, let it shine...let it shine on me ❤
 
I have trouble connecting with ppl irl, in part due to my love of substances.
Ive long accept that theyre a huge part of my life. Im constantly learning new things about them. Its how I spend my time.

I have friends who play video games, watch tv and drink.
I know how Id rather spend my time lol...

When I was drinking things fell apart.
I quit drinking but things remained the same. When I started tripping again things got worse before they got better.
Im still pulling myself out of the last few traumatic years of lots of change. Imo theres nothing wrong with a crutch when ya need em - and I hate when ppl cast judgement, if youu/i/we need prescription meds for a time then so be it. Currently I prefer to self medicate on weekends with high dose psychedelics/dissos/edibles...

I go through periods of more/less use and periods of prolonged abstinence.
Find your sweet spot and except its constantly evolving.

Just remember integration is key.
 
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