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  • H&R Moderators: Captain.Heroin | cj | Stargazer | tathra

Self Hatred

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
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Nov 3, 2008
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I don't often post threads about my recovery in Sober Living. I felt like getting this out though, perhaps it'll open up a discussion that can benefit others as well.

I'm having a hard time with self hatred. In three days I'll have 19 months off needles, suboxone, all opiates, all that jazz.

I am not sure if it's just because I have PTSD and I'm just going to have to get used to this, or what.

I've been considering EMDR but I have an aversion to seeking help.

Thoughts, experiences? <3
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
You should look into self compassion practice. It sounds like it would really benefit you.

Come to one of our Community Practice events with Diana Winston made possible by UCLA's Mindful Awareness Research Center. I will get her to focus the session on self compassion, which is her theme for her classes and events ATM already. It will be just for you, my wonderful friend (who needs to get out and chill with me already) ;) %) 8)
 

Moreaux

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
1,925
Location
The Beach
I'm so sorry you're going through. In some ways I think it's common to have some self loathing - you've been clean for a year and a half, which is great, but you're still healing. Many addicts I know in recovery still had issues a year and a half into recovery, myself included. There is still a lot going on - you're getting used to sober life, clarity is still coming to you, and there's a lot to process regarding the addiction that I think may still be left unresolved. There is still the underlying issue that caused you to use in the first place, most addicts don't immediately resolve it when they first get sober. Early recover is a good time to start dealing with it, but often it takes time.

The posts you've made recently make me feel like you have a lot unresolved - past and present. I feel like you have some issues prior to addiction that you need to come to terms with, and I feel like you're very disappointed with where you are at in life now, and still dealing with lost opportunities from when you were addicted. I don't feel like you've accepted your addiction as an illness, and continue to judge yourself based on that singular aspect of your life, even though you're so much more than your addiction. The travesty of the situation is that you don't let yourself acknowledge all your positives.

If you want to progress forward you have to address that underlying issue - the one that causes you nightmares. You have to find a way to reconcile it. I think EMDR is helpful - I had a major breakthrough with it. I dealt with stuff that with stuff that I wouldn't even allow myself to think about for over 20 years. It gets amazingly granular, and I remembered events with a clarity I didn't think was possible. In a way it was being an outsider looking in so I could be objective, which is something I couldn't do on my own. You still have to be honest with yourself while you do EMDR, and I'm concerned that you're very skilled avoiding any direct interaction with that issue.

As painful as it may be to face, the sooner you face it the more power it loses over you and the freer you become. Going through it sucks, and you may feel worse at first but it does get better. Do you want to spend the rest of your life your tortured by it and running as it's going to dog you until you confront it. I know you're strong and you can face this and come out stronger on the other side, it's not going to break you. I don't think you're going to have peace until you face it. As painful as the process is, it's very liberating and allows the true healing to begin. You deserve peace.

If you want to discuss EMDR feel free to message me. I have a bad tendancy to write too much or give too much detail, and this response is too long already.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
I'm so sorry you're going through. In some ways I think it's common to have some self loathing - you've been clean for a year and a half, which is great, but you're still healing. Many addicts I know in recovery still had issues a year and a half into recovery, myself included. There is still a lot going on - you're getting used to sober life, clarity is still coming to you, and there's a lot to process regarding the addiction that I think may still be left unresolved. There is still the underlying issue that caused you to use in the first place, most addicts don't immediately resolve it when they first get sober. Early recover is a good time to start dealing with it, but often it takes time.

The posts you've made recently make me feel like you have a lot unresolved - past and present. I feel like you have some issues prior to addiction that you need to come to terms with, and I feel like you're very disappointed with where you are at in life now, and still dealing with lost opportunities from when you were addicted. I don't feel like you've accepted your addiction as an illness, and continue to judge yourself based on that singular aspect of your life, even though you're so much more than your addiction. The travesty of the situation is that you don't let yourself acknowledge all your positives.

If you want to progress forward you have to address that underlying issue - the one that causes you nightmares. You have to find a way to reconcile it. I think EMDR is helpful - I had a major breakthrough with it. I dealt with stuff that with stuff that I wouldn't even allow myself to think about for over 20 years. It gets amazingly granular, and I remembered events with a clarity I didn't think was possible. In a way it was being an outsider looking in so I could be objective, which is something I couldn't do on my own. You still have to be honest with yourself while you do EMDR, and I'm concerned that you're very skilled avoiding any direct interaction with that issue.

As painful as it may be to face, the sooner you face it the more power it loses over you and the freer you become. Going through it sucks, and you may feel worse at first but it does get better. Do you want to spend the rest of your life your tortured by it and running as it's going to dog you until you confront it. I know you're strong and you can face this and come out stronger on the other side, it's not going to break you. I don't think you're going to have peace until you face it. As painful as the process is, it's very liberating and allows the true healing to begin. You deserve peace.

If you want to discuss EMDR feel free to message me. I have a bad tendancy to write too much or give too much detail, and this response is too long already.
What an amazing post! You are really quite insightful. I am so very pleased to be a member of the same community as you. Knowing you even in this detached kind of way is really helpful to me. So what I really mean to say is, thank you Moreaux. You help me more than you know <3 :)
 

Burnt Offerings

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
4,470
Location
USA
It helps to have some kind of foundational identity that you're proud of...for me it's my job, the fact that I'm a fisherman. Supposedly 6 or 7 generations of fishermen and whalers are behind me, in my family lineage. I feel a deep spiritual connection to the ocean and I love the fact that I provide people all over the world with something they enjoy and that's good for them (fresh fish, especially salmon). I'll never be ashamed of the fact that I've participated in the commercial fishing industry and helped feed the planet...in fact feelings of pride are invoked when I think about what I do...I'm reminded of it whenever I enjoy fish myself. And that's important because there are plenty of things that I enjoy that I'm NOT proud of, like injection narcotics use for example. Self-hatred is something I know very well, unfortunately.

When you help other people you help yourself. That was something my mother told me that I never truly believed until later in life...it helps give your life purpose and is the best antidote against self-hate, in my experience. I'm lucky enough to have a career I'm proud of/enjoy and which fulfills that role, but you could just as easily find some way that helps people & contributes to the positive enjoyment of other humans, that may or may not be related to a job. It seems to me that the people who are most stable and resistant to addiction are those who have a bulwark of some kind that prevents them from sliding fully into the pit, whether it's religion, politics, cultural identity or some other kind of other thing that positions them in a larger group with a shared heritage & purpose. That seems to me what a large part of the appeal of something like AA/NA is, actually, at least for some people.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
76,845
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I think it's more about accepting how I feel about myself.

I think with time I will be able to cope with how I feel.
 

SunSpot

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
161
Location
The Desert
Captain.H, I wish I could give you hug right now!! Seriously, just a bro to bro hug letting you know the world is alright. It sucks feeling like this, NO question. Let me ask you, is there anything in particular, like an event or something you did, that brings this on? You don't need to think of it all the time, in fact hardly at all, to be affected.

I've done things that I'm not proud of and they'll always be with me. They now serve as a warning lesson and give me extra empathy for certain situations / people. Perhaps if you could figure out what's bugging you, you can fix your karma. And we're all here to help, don't forget that!

*Edit: Never mind just read your post. As Churchill would say: 'My biggest fear is fear itself' Our feelings are such thin, fragile veils of emotions yet so outside our control. Anywho thoughts like this aren't healthy. I order you to go for a run!! ;)
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Love you CH! Just wanted to say that. I went to a Refuge Recovery meeting tonight in Melrose and I couldn't help but think that you'd love it. It was pretty fucking cool, at least as far as self help groups go.

We should go sometime. Shoot me a pm. Next Tuesday brother, at Against the Stream's Melrose location. You would really dig it.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
thanks for the offer :)

I'm feeling a bit better today.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Nice, what helped to make it a better day? I just know you'd love Refuge Recovery. Lets really go sometime. There are some really hot guys there BTW ;)
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I'm in a relationship.

I have no idea why some days are easier than others for me.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Really, you just swing from nice days and shitty days without any awareness of what causes the shifts? I do not mean to be harsh, I am only pointing out that you could probably gain more awareness in your everyday life, and such awareness would benefit you tremendously.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I have a hard time identifying flashback triggers for me.

I gave up trying to make sense of my PTSD a while ago.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...

Kittycat5

Bluelighter
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Dec 23, 2013
Messages
9,299
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In a kitchen
Ok. Just checking. Im not going to pretend to know what PTSD is like but know that sometimes trying to live/be with another human being is enough to drive the sanest of us crazy.

And Im not using crazy as anything other than a colloquialism.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I agree man. :)
 

withlove

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 17, 2016
Messages
625
Location
apt. 17
do you know why you hate yourself?
dont answer here but it helps to know what it is that you find so hard to live with.
is it rooted in reality?
if there a specific things you dislike about how you are presently than make an effort to do something concretely to change that, even if it takes time. being proactive even a little can do a lot of good.
and if its more a general self loathing maybe you need to find something that gets you excited, happy, passionate and around other people who can see the good in you so you can start to see that in you too and not focus on the dark stuff.

maybe none of this applies and thats cool too.

xx
 
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