HelterSkelter1121
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2020
- Messages
- 2
Firstly, i wanna say I've just turned 24. So i'll start off briefly of my previous relationships etc. I only first ever spoke to a girl when i was 17, i dont know why i was so shy as a kid, maybe it was my parents not giving me enough attention or bigging me up or maybe it was my friends not doing it either, maybe it was a mixture of things. But i do remember when i was in primary school etc that people would say i was extremely shy. Secondary school i was the same. When it came to the first girl i spoke to, i got into a relationship but she was a toxic person. Mentally abusive, used her "mental health" as an excuse for everything, cheated on me with multiple guys and made me feel she was still the victim. Eventually that ended and i dont think that had much of an impact on me for the present. So i got into a new relationship. This has been my only love and the one girl that i could have actually seen marrying and having children with. I always found her sexy, never had a problem having sex, no problem with getting an erection. Even just going round and talking was easy, we didn't have the same interest but we both were able to show that we can be interested in each others interests. Of course there were problems in the relationship but as relationships go, I couldn't ask for a better one. Until it got to the end, she eventually breaks up with me when i was 21 over text and my heart was broken (in the relationship for 2 years). This was the first time i realized that im actually alone in this world and noone gives a shit about me. Of course you can do whatever you want after the relationship but lets be real, it still does heavy damage on the other person, even if you're not together. She ended up creating so many vile and bizarre lies about me to get attention from others. Such as lying about me begging for nudes (never happened), treating her like shit, when i last saw her a couple of weeks after the relationship her friend came over drunk and started shouting at me and said that i treated her like shit, i confronted my ex and she denied it and told her to stop. I then got told by other people she kept saying it... .Completely untrue. She also tried to commit suicide (which im not quite sure why) soon after she broke up with me, never thought what that did to me, i literally straight up refused to talk bad about her to anyone incase she committed suicide, i dont think people realize how much i needed support and i got nothing but people wanting gossip (they knew her and me but were more friends with her). I was trapped as i was scared if i said anything she would actually commit suicide. The one that broke me was when she created a private instagram to upload nudes and people she said not to worry about were following it. I generally felt that me being a man and my family name was disgraced. I never once talked shit about her, i can't believe someone that i thought i could spend the rest of my life with acted like this so soon after our relationship. I feel this was the start of me not trusting people not just in a girlfriend but in friendships. I saw how many messages she got from guys and girls to see if she was alright, whereas, mine was none and when i had the confidence to talk to people about it they did not care in the slightest.
I spoke to my supposedly best friend, someone that i would have thought would go mental about someone that could treat his best mate like this and big me up and make me feel happy. Nope. He showed no sympathy or empathy, even though some point that year i helped him every day going to house letting him talk to me about his depression, contentiously pointing him to the correct help and getting him out the house (while i was working 70 hours p/w and him only at uni). You would think he would reciprocate my behavior to him. Nope. When i told him about her private insta account, i said the name. A year later we were having a conversation and he asked for the name again, i gave it and saw it said requested. I said to him why have you requested it and he said it was from ages ago. So when i was pouring my heart out, a broken and a damaged "man", my best friend could only focus on remembering what my exs private instagram is, so he could to try and follow it later on. He still has her on all the social medias too. Betrayed. It's another factor as to why i think my mentality of relationships/friendships has so many barriers, i want people in my life that reciprocate what i push out. loyalty and respect. I would never do these acts to my best friend if he was going through a horrible time.
Now for the main person that has dented my whole life, i'll keep this brief. She was a psychopath, she was controlling (WAY WORSE THEN MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND), manipulative, mentally and one time physically abusive. I started going out with her when i was 21 and broke up when i was 22, 1 year wasted of my life. She would freak out in stores over nothing and i literally felt the smallest person in the world. The worse was the indirect forceful acts of having sex with her, i would say no i dont want to and she would go completely mental, out of control. I also had a disease at this time that caused me so much pain and i didnt want my clothes off because of the area it affected (no sympathy when it came for her wanting sex). I generally thought she would kill me. I would have to have sex with her or she would be in this disgusting mood that made me feel trapped, after we had sex she would be fine. I generally didn't find her sexually attractive (like my second girlfriend) and i generally was scared of her (unlike my second girlfriend). Pretty much i would lose my erection, never had this problem. I can only think because even i said no and made it clear i didnt want sex, she would get it and that has caused some imbalance in my head when having sex and keeping it erect. I had sex with a girl about 10 months ago and i kept losing it, i generally couldn't believe it. That's when i generally said to myself i have ED. It was also so embarrassing as this girl said it was fine and then later on of course spoke behind my back and made fun. I now have Viagra but haven't tried it yet. So only time will tell. But it bloody sucks that i have it at 24, this shouldn't happen to a young man like myself...
When it comes to relationships, i struggle so much to talk to girls on dating apps, im no longer not confident at all, i'm projected a first at University and workout 5 times a week, i would say im a good looking bloke, have a bright future ahead of me in my choosen career, i'd say im well mannered and polite and truly want to converse with people. However, i try so hard to create conversation and its nothing. The vast majority of girls don't ask questions, use closed and short answers and have no interests in knowing about my life. I generally feel quite depressed when talking to these girls. I refuse to believe that every girl is like this on dating apps and can actually have the manors to actually reciprocate myself to them. Im not a club or pub guy, my outside connections to girls are through uni, work and doing mma, but none of these girls are on that level of wanting to talk further. I just don't know what to do on dating apps, i literally have no clue what im doing wrong, im asking questions about their life and their interests and there is no lead, there is no oh hey lets ask this guy questions, he seems nice and good looking. Im not saying this is every girl but the vast majority dont ask questions what so ever and i can't stand it, it affects me so deeply, considering mentioning through out this with noone caring about any relationship break up or any problems in my life, its the same here. The reason i mention this is because im 24, life goes quick, i want to enjoy myself and actually have interactions with girls and have friends that have my back and not get anything from anyone, being alone is such a task.
I just feel like im not a man, that im quite useless, i can't even have a simple conversation with a girl where they show interest it seems. And when a girl does i feel like i have alot of barriers up that could affect a potential future with them (this has only happened with one girl that im talking to rn). I generally thought dating apps would be so easy to get to know people, it seems to be guys are overly creepy and girls are very egotistical. I know the answer will be to delete it, but its the only way to talk to other girls, i dont have the confidence to just randomly start chatting with a girl in public etc. I have deleted all social media and do feel alot better. But where social media has the connection to other (imo in a bad way) that i've managed to get out of my life, the good connection, the real connection of people that i can rely on is really not there in my life and i have no clue what to do. What to change about myself etc
I spoke to my supposedly best friend, someone that i would have thought would go mental about someone that could treat his best mate like this and big me up and make me feel happy. Nope. He showed no sympathy or empathy, even though some point that year i helped him every day going to house letting him talk to me about his depression, contentiously pointing him to the correct help and getting him out the house (while i was working 70 hours p/w and him only at uni). You would think he would reciprocate my behavior to him. Nope. When i told him about her private insta account, i said the name. A year later we were having a conversation and he asked for the name again, i gave it and saw it said requested. I said to him why have you requested it and he said it was from ages ago. So when i was pouring my heart out, a broken and a damaged "man", my best friend could only focus on remembering what my exs private instagram is, so he could to try and follow it later on. He still has her on all the social medias too. Betrayed. It's another factor as to why i think my mentality of relationships/friendships has so many barriers, i want people in my life that reciprocate what i push out. loyalty and respect. I would never do these acts to my best friend if he was going through a horrible time.
Now for the main person that has dented my whole life, i'll keep this brief. She was a psychopath, she was controlling (WAY WORSE THEN MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND), manipulative, mentally and one time physically abusive. I started going out with her when i was 21 and broke up when i was 22, 1 year wasted of my life. She would freak out in stores over nothing and i literally felt the smallest person in the world. The worse was the indirect forceful acts of having sex with her, i would say no i dont want to and she would go completely mental, out of control. I also had a disease at this time that caused me so much pain and i didnt want my clothes off because of the area it affected (no sympathy when it came for her wanting sex). I generally thought she would kill me. I would have to have sex with her or she would be in this disgusting mood that made me feel trapped, after we had sex she would be fine. I generally didn't find her sexually attractive (like my second girlfriend) and i generally was scared of her (unlike my second girlfriend). Pretty much i would lose my erection, never had this problem. I can only think because even i said no and made it clear i didnt want sex, she would get it and that has caused some imbalance in my head when having sex and keeping it erect. I had sex with a girl about 10 months ago and i kept losing it, i generally couldn't believe it. That's when i generally said to myself i have ED. It was also so embarrassing as this girl said it was fine and then later on of course spoke behind my back and made fun. I now have Viagra but haven't tried it yet. So only time will tell. But it bloody sucks that i have it at 24, this shouldn't happen to a young man like myself...
When it comes to relationships, i struggle so much to talk to girls on dating apps, im no longer not confident at all, i'm projected a first at University and workout 5 times a week, i would say im a good looking bloke, have a bright future ahead of me in my choosen career, i'd say im well mannered and polite and truly want to converse with people. However, i try so hard to create conversation and its nothing. The vast majority of girls don't ask questions, use closed and short answers and have no interests in knowing about my life. I generally feel quite depressed when talking to these girls. I refuse to believe that every girl is like this on dating apps and can actually have the manors to actually reciprocate myself to them. Im not a club or pub guy, my outside connections to girls are through uni, work and doing mma, but none of these girls are on that level of wanting to talk further. I just don't know what to do on dating apps, i literally have no clue what im doing wrong, im asking questions about their life and their interests and there is no lead, there is no oh hey lets ask this guy questions, he seems nice and good looking. Im not saying this is every girl but the vast majority dont ask questions what so ever and i can't stand it, it affects me so deeply, considering mentioning through out this with noone caring about any relationship break up or any problems in my life, its the same here. The reason i mention this is because im 24, life goes quick, i want to enjoy myself and actually have interactions with girls and have friends that have my back and not get anything from anyone, being alone is such a task.
I just feel like im not a man, that im quite useless, i can't even have a simple conversation with a girl where they show interest it seems. And when a girl does i feel like i have alot of barriers up that could affect a potential future with them (this has only happened with one girl that im talking to rn). I generally thought dating apps would be so easy to get to know people, it seems to be guys are overly creepy and girls are very egotistical. I know the answer will be to delete it, but its the only way to talk to other girls, i dont have the confidence to just randomly start chatting with a girl in public etc. I have deleted all social media and do feel alot better. But where social media has the connection to other (imo in a bad way) that i've managed to get out of my life, the good connection, the real connection of people that i can rely on is really not there in my life and i have no clue what to do. What to change about myself etc
