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Recovery Road to Recovery

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Hi there,

Some might know me for writing every now and then here but lately I have been inactive when it comes to writing here.

I'd like to put on some brief introduction what I've used and why and what I am planning to do to get rid of my habits.

During my childhood I luckily didn't come around any mind altering substances and I say luckily because as I know myself I would have started using those as soon as I would have get introduced to those.

I did drink some booze while teenager but not ridiculous amounts (atleast in finnish standards :) ) but since I turned sixteen I pretty much drunk every weekend a six pack or a bit more. I used weed also when I was in high school equivalent. That continued until I went into army which is by the way mandatory here for every male unless they choose to do civilian service. Bit of an off topic but mandatory military service imho prevents wars as every politician has some relative who has to go into frontlines due mandatory military service.

During my training in army I stopped using weed and alcohol for a while and after the mandatory service I applied for peace keeping force and got in and did two trips to Afghanistan and in the latter trip the patrol car I drove hit an IED which caused my a spinal injury and my knee was damaged as well.

Due that I got introduced to pain killers and mainly oxycodone. I went through some surgeries but none helped in long term and I continued to use oxycodone again and again in escalating amounts.

I fell in love with oxycodone. It was wonderful time at the beginning since small amount made me active and bigger amounts helped me get through boring times as I could just nod in the sofa and drool while being in nearly orgastic state. Well also the side effect of staying erect even after hours of pounding was nice and I have "some" kind of an reputation within the girls in my area...

Oh well and the pain was gone too.

At the some stage bad things started to creep on. I couldn't nod even after taking 200mg of oxycodone and I needed 100mg to even function. I had to take it at first thing in the morning and lay for a half an hour in my bed until I could get up.

I was emotionally dull. Nothing normal life related things couldn't affect to me at all be them good or bad. These definately were dark times.

During some pain free phases I was free of oxycodone but I abused other drugs. Methylphenidate was one of the first drugs I used and sometimes I still dream of getting some. I also used methylphenidate to stay more active when using high amounts of oxycodone.

At one phase I used methylphenidate to get up in the morning and to keep going and then party while using it with booze. After that I would use alprazolam or other benzos to get sleep. I also used zolpidem to get some trippy feeling once in a while.

This spring I had my last surgery and the pain went away totally due miraculous surgeonwork.

I decided that now it would be time to stop using drugs totally and started tapering off from 160mg daily oxycodone habit (+recreational doses up to 250mgs). It worked well as I had help from my Dr. and during the spring I tapered out of oxycodone.

I had a minor relapse and went into inpatient rehab. It was a good experience despite the horror stories Inhad heard. Buprenorphine seemed like an optimal drug for my situation.

Not long after that I started again to use oxycodone and was so shamed and had so muh selfhatred that I couldn't even write to this site. I even started abusing benzos again.

Now I have been tapering down again and next week I will start opiate replacement therapy with buprenorphine and here it is started inpatient so I won't be able to report how I am doing before I get a stable dose and get out from there.

I am looking forward for dealing with my issues leading to my drug abuse while in ORT and can stop that too sometime in future.

I am lucky that I have never had any major problems due my drug abuse and don't have hepatitis or even used intravenously but in the end I am addict.
 
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VastEmpty

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Messages
548
Root -

congratulations on having such a sound plan and a commitment to getting off the meds!

How long will you be in inpatient? It seems like a great idea to do inpatient for subs, especially considering the risk of precipitated withdrawals.

You have my respect and support for the process you are going into. Good luck!

- VE
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Hi there VastEmpty!

Time at the inpatient rehab depends on the dose I need until I stabilize. If I have taken oxycodone the day before it is started slowly with 2mg which I'll get after urine tests show I don't have methadone in my system which is a standard procedure since taking buprenorphine after methadone is dangerous. Then I can get another two mgs at the same day four hours after the first dose if there are no precipitated withdrawals. They have access to comfort drugs too at the same time such as benzos, clonidine and Imodium.

Second day I get 4mg in the morning and I have possibility to get 2mg if needed. Third day is 6mg at the morning and possibility for 2mg.

On the fourth day I'll get 8mg and I'll stay on that for three days and if it isn't enough they'll add another 2mg and after that it is increased in 2mg intervals every three days until I reach level which is enough for me. Also when I reach 8mgs they start lowering benzos too. When I have reached right dose I'll stay there for atleast a week.

So I'll stay there for weeks at minimum.

All this costs me nothing as we have tax payer funded healthcare. Well I pay taxes of course but it is "free" :)

This rehab clinic resides in a psychic ward of our university hospital so there is a lot of knowledge and I have a visit to pain specialist too during this and they'll treat some of my dental problems too as I can't get to appointment I have for that as it is during that rehab.

I just hope there are atleast as good fellow patients as during my last stay in that rehab during which my last part of the recent tapering was done. We had for example a box containing stuff to roll your own cigarettes which anyone could use if they ran out of their own and it was funded by deposits from recyclable bottles that people left to our patient kitchen's corner and as well some charity done by patients who had bit more money than the others.
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Thanks TPD. I guess I have atleast gathered the equipment I need for my journey through the Mirkwood into the sobriety and as well I have company to help me during this journey so there aren't many targets for blame if I fail :)
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,600
Location
Looking-Glass Land
That is awesome dude, I really am proud of you. You have worked hard and are working hard and I just know it will pay off for you. Keep up the good work!
 

VastEmpty

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Messages
548
Root -

Finland sounds like heaven. Seriously. That is so awesome. Do you feel like you won the lottery - or is it somethings you don't think about much because you have always lived there?

I'm so happy for you that you have access to such great services! I hear horror stories from here in the states. Will you have access to the Internet in there so that you can continue to post? Do you have any plans for when up you get out of rehab, or are you taking it one step at a time?

- VE
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
After I went to Afghanistan I started to appreciate our scandinavian welfare society as before that I hadn't put much thought on how things are on other places. Bluelight has also opened my eyes on how things are even in the USA which is supposed to be civilized country. Wealth has definately distributed inequally.

One of the good things here is that you can fuck up massively and you still get treated as a human being atleast most of the times especially within social security system and healthcare. Also if you got willpower you can easily work your way up to a decent life as there are so much support systems available.

That also has a downside as you can sit on your ass on a sofa and watching tv on your apartment as the system funds it. As there isn't enough work available for young people (yet, as there are plenty of people retiring soon) some people tend to isolate themselves from society and resort to drugs as they feel alienated and that future has nothing for them.

But yes Scandinavia in generally feels like heaven when compared to lots of places as no one is left alone with their problems unless they don't want help.
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Got some new info about when my ORT is going to start and it should start during week 36 so I've got time to get some things done.

During the ORT I'll participate to a clinical trial which studies buprenorphine's abilities to work as antidepressant for people with co-occurring bipolar or depression. I'll have a bit more visits to psychiatrist and nurse during this as there are interviews regarding the clinical trial and also I'll enter daily some data about my mood to a smartphone app and as it works only on Android device I'll get a tablet for that and I can keep it after the trial is done :) I've never used Android device except for smart tv so I'll get to tinker with a new operating system.

Currently I have managed to use oxycodone as directed for 19 days and haven't used benzos and have used zolpidem for sleep as directed three times during those 19 days. I have cravings and anxiety while I am idle but they subside when doing something or meeting friends and such. Pain levels have been tolerable for a while.
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Thanks and I'll keep you guys updated after my ORT and clinical trial starts.
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Just a little update. I have huge cravings and feel like giving up resisting them. I've even actively seeked out where to get drugs if and when I need them.

I am feeling down, powerless and antisocial and I haven't find out the reason for these except the cravings and combating them. I didn't sleep last night at all and today I found it very difficult to drag myself to get my prescribed drugs from health center. Normally I would have went to shopping after getting my drugs but I instead drove back to home and have been laying on a sofa with my iPad instead of making breakfast or even coffee.

I don't know if I am trying to figure out that some last hoorah isn't that bad when done before ORT starts but this lethargic feeling is weird. Could also be that my depressive phase is starting since I have bipolar. I am trying to get along with this until wednesday when I have an appointment for a nurse.
 

Moreaux

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
1,925
Location
The Beach
Just keep hanging in there MrRoot - you're doing great! Your moods make sense - you have a lot going on and you're getting ready to start a huge lifestyle change. I'm not bipolar, but I had similar moods right before leaving for rehab each time. Even though you have planned this there is still a lot of uncertainty and it's very stressful. I used to hate waiting for rehab - I wanted to go a little crazy with substance because that was the last opportunity but I also wanted to be responsible because I wanted the lifestyle change - two very opposing feelings.

You're also about to give up something that makes you feel good and that you rely on - as destructive as addiction is you are still guaranteed to have that dopamine response, which is no longer a guarantee in sober life. I used to liken getting sober to breaking up with an abusive boyfriend - I would miss the good times and having the relationship but I wouldn't miss the abuse. Having to stand alone brings about many uncertainties, even when we know it's for the best it's still difficult.

Try to keep your spirits up and enjoy the few days you have before treatment begins.
 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Thanks Moreaux.

That was what I needed. Your analogue about abusive partner is absolutely spot on. No matter how much I reason about quitting drugs some part of me still tries to rely on them.

I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about drugs. For example I did gooseberry jam and marmelade as well as tried some new seasoning with yakisoba and baked buns.

I also loaned my neighbour's Bobcat to get my road level so I don't anymore need to worry about my bwm scratching its bottom while driving on it.

 

MrRoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
2,131
Location
Finland
Bobcats are so fun to use that you forgot you are actually doing some work :)

I drove one of those small(ish) thingies first time when I was on secondary school and doing some on-the-job learning and fell in love with them at the first sight. Had a small break for operating them as the second time I was able to get inside one was in the army where they had few for hauling ammo and for moving snow as well as distributing salt or sand to icy sidewalks.

Those are very reliable and there's a multitude of jobs for which they are suitable for when configured in a right way.

Got a letter from government's work insurance center and they reminded that I could get back to school and that there would be an incentive money for that. I'd already knewn this but the funny part was that they had added some examples of places for which I could apply for and there was equestrian instructor school included. I would want to see if someone would let me to be the only guy in a class with the others being 16 year old girls :p
 

VastEmpty

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Messages
548
Root!

I swear I sit down every night to write a post to you and somehow I haven't gotten it posted in three nights! Here goes another try. Will you have access to BL while in inpatient for your ORT? I'm hoping so. Do you have therapy or groups you have to go to while in there? I'm so curious how they do things there! I'll never see anything of such luxury while detoxing, I think! Now, in addition to the luxurious detox facilities and medical care, I've seen your pictures lately.

Your house use looks like paradise this time of year. What is the temperature there? I live in a place that's green and rains often, it looks like you might as well? Rain is one of my favorite things in the world. There was a song I listened to growing up by the band called "Garbage" and it was called "I'm only happy when it rains." Or something else remarkably similar to that. Anyway, I feel like that too - if it's sunny, or god forbid hot, then it takes the happiness right on out of me in short order.

I I hope you are doing well!

- VE
 

Notsoprettyinpink

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2016
Messages
141
Hey, MrRoot:). I felt like we "shared" so much via my thread that I apologetically regret not reading any of yours:(.

I can so much relate to much of what you wrote though which makes me sad in a way, but also happy in a way. It's always good to feel that you're not all alone.....even though it hurts me when another is in any sort of "pain" whether it be physically or emotionally. "Talking" with you the other day released so much emotional "build up" that I've carried along with me for years that I kept "hidden" for much too long. I'm also so very grateful that you then shared with me what you did. Even though it was so sorrowful.

It's tough, really tough, but can be done and I'm positive you're on the right track, want this and will succeed.

You're a wonderful man. I need not personally know you but through your writings on your own thread and on mine I can see that you're a very strong willed man.

Keep it up, stay in touch:)
Much love,
Bernadette
 
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