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    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP RICKY GENE DANIELS

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
84,998
He wasn’t a Bluelight member he was my father, but he suffered a lot throughout his life from the stories I hear. I didn’t know him much but I’m just here to purge, and tell people. Don’t be scared to get help for depression. Even if you don’t wanna take meds, there’s running, working out, music, skydiving, holding a dog.. clothing someone who needed it.
All these things release what your craving. I too crave. I chase dopamine with no oxytocin “ a meal cooked with family and friends with laughter” a date night with your girlfriend, a beer with the buds, you committed suicide dad, you left me so broken. So afraid that I don’t know how to be a man cause I never had you, but God has given me others in place of him. But you deserved to know dad, I’m thankful for you I know I’ve never seen your grave but before I die even if it kills me. I’ll pay my respects. You are half of me. A half I don’t even know, perhaps you’re the half that wants to destroy me. Or perhaps your demons just followed me. But I promise one thing. Your death won’t be in vain. It will save someone’s life. Even if it’s my own, cause even though I’ve secluded myself and tried to push everyone away just like you, the ones that cared the most was the ones who have to deal with this pain and questions that will never be answered. I love you ⚰️
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
That's a very poignant post.

Commiserations FF. <3
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I just kinda let my fingers and brain become one and I had to purge it somewhere, it was affecting me so negatively. Especially when listening to dababys album for his brother who killed himself.
 


thank you John for this song. You keep me strong as I cry while I listen. I know my purpose now.
 
My dad committed suicide, too. He was a BL member but I never knew his username. He is the reason I’m here. He turned me on to this site. Thanks to him I was able to quit blow (the 1st and 2nd times).

He and I both suffer(ed) from depression. It’s a real bitch to deal with. During my times of deep depression, I consider the feelings of my daughter + my friends + my pets. I don’t think I could ever commit suicide unless my entire support system broke down.

But I often wonder what drove my dad to that point, as he had tons of friends, family + pets. I think about him daily but his death is still bothersome to me.
 
Fiori di Bella said:
My dad committed suicide, too. He was a BL member but I never knew his username. He is the reason I’m here. He turned me on to this site. Thanks to him I was able to quit blow (the 1st and 2nd times).

He and I both suffer(ed) from depression. It’s a real bitch to deal with. During my times of deep depression, I consider the feelings of my daughter + my friends + my pets. I don’t think I could ever commit suicide unless my entire support system broke down.

But I often wonder what drove my dad to that point, as he had tons of friends, family + pets. I think about him daily but his death is still bothersome to me.
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Hey I just wanted to reach out as I’ve been busy, I wonder the same. To my understanding, my dads drinking had increased which he made my mother promise to leave him if he picked it back up, he was also under the influence or had crack cocaine in his system. He drove a car into a garage, which says a lot about how he chose to die. Sometimes we ask questions we will never get, it’s different when you see someone going through depression, to someone that you would never expect it out of. I’ve always been sore about this subject and have had a morbid obsession with suicide. Not really interested for myself, but in ways that I can help someone not choose that.
I will say this I have my own issues, some I need to change ASAP. But I get sick now anytime I see alcohol. I physically can’t drink it, it metabolizes different for me then most and unless I keep pounding them back, I get immediate hangovers. So the silver lining is I think subconsciously I’m repulsed by the idea of me drinking. Not anyone else, which generally leads me to being the DD and the one getting people home safely. I also have had the privilege of talking some close friends out of suicide. They know have a son, and have separated from the toxic relationship and is happy as can be now.
It’s tough to tell someone that though in the midst of them thinking, there’s no hope. But most that want to commit suicide don’t really wanna die, some do. But most just don’t know how to say I need help I’ve learned and just need a friend to stick by them. Anytime you need me you contact me ok? I may not respond immediately but if you give me the chance I’ll always be there for you.
 
Thank you, My Priest.

My father had a great sense of humor, which extended to his eternally earthly exit. His right hand was holding a TV remote, and gay porn was still playing in his bedroom when I found him on his bed.

He was dressed in white pants, a light blue windbreaker, deck shoes and there was a ship captain’s hat just next to him that had likely fallen off. This might not be so funny if he’d actually been a sailor of some sort. But he was deathly afraid of any water beyond knee high depths. He ironically loved to vacation in Hawaii and other tropical beach locales.

He was a psychiatrist who was a professor at San Diego State University and later advised and treated US Navy officers and ensigns with substance abuse issues. The idea that he would treat such a population is kind of mind-blowing when he himself was an alcoholic that used tons of illicit drugs. I was going to NA with him when I was in 10th - 11th grade due to our shared blow issues. I was enjoying pot by 5th grade with him.

He said there was no illicit drug he hadn’t used. He had scripts for Quaaludes, Seconal and Speed when I was young. I recall him saying, “Dad needs a black beauty or a red”. He was given scripts from his similarly minded colleagues, and he, in turn, provided similar scripts to his psychiatrist friends. At the end of his life, he was all about the booze and ‘shrooms.

My brother was also his son; my 2 older brothers and sister have a different dad who’s in his 90s now. My brother had a very strained relationship with my dad, which grew worse after my dad came out. He preferred to hang out alone, dabbling on the Apple IIe, on weekends, while I was out exploring the stranger sites of San Diego with my dad. My brother is now a bigwig multimillionaire with zero social skills, at Intel in Portland. He rarely goes to his actual office and his lack of social skills + isolation when he was young obviously paid off. He has a PhD in Particle Physics and Quantum Mechanics from Northwestern University. He got his Masters Degree in some other branch of physics at USC, aka: the University of Spoiled Children.

When I was quite young, I was going places with my dad each weekend. My dad loved to visit the worst parts of San Diego, and I grew up very intrigued by life in the seediest of neighborhoods. I now realize he was buying drugs when we ventured to the hood.

He came out when I was in 9th grade. I vividly remember sitting in our locked Ford LTD, when I was 5-6, while he went into the Turkish Gentlemen’s Baths on 5th Avenue. This was before San Diego’s Gaslamp Quarter had been cleaned up and revitalized, and needles + used condoms littered the street. This was also the first time I encountered prostitutes and I knew I definitely wanted their job, based upon their bright clothes and cool patent leather boots. I often rolled down the window to talk to them and tell them they were pretty! I obviously didn’t know what their real job entailed, but I just loved the way they dressed. My dad used to call them, “Ladies of the Night”, and he told me that while they were certainly pretty, they unfortunately had a yucky job.

Somewhere around 2009, he told me I had never, during the course of my entire life, been around him sober. That kinda blew my mind. I give him credit for educating me about safe drug use, and not getting involved in risky drug situations.

Every day I miss him, and I wonder what advice he’d give me now, with my current issues. I realize that at face value he sounds like a bad father, but to me he really was The Best.
 
Funeral Father,

Thank you so much for your wisdom and support.

I think there’s something wrong with the way BL loaded, because I cannot use my Emojis on your posts. I wanted to give you a ❤️.
 
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