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herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,938
Location
in a dream
You barely come in dreams anymore. How can this be? Maybe because I'm getting old and my brain is on the downhill slide. Already I find myself unable to think of a very common word from time to time. But when you are in a dream now you are always about 10 or 11. There's a mystery.
Grief doesn't stab me the way it used to. Instead it simply resides in me like a very still pool. When i disturb it, like right now writing these words, the tears are right there but it is a melancholy and not an agony.

I'm on a forum for people that have lost children and my heart breaks anew each time a parent writes their first post, knowing the minutes and hours and weeks and years of pain still ahead--how they don't even realize it yet but Absence has just stepped into their lives forever. At first, the presence of their living child is all-consuming but slowly and agonizingly, as I have written about on this thread, even that is dragged away and Absence itself becomes a presence. You can hate it and rail against it or you can cherish it and carry it with you as long as you live. I don't think I chose the latter; rather, it chose me.

I will say this: scent-memory is still strong. I guess it must be the animal part of mothering. I can still conjure your scent as a baby, as a kid, as a teen and young man.
I so wish that I could sit across a table from you and hold your hands in mine while we talked. You could tell me about what became of you once you left your body behind and I could tell you all my petty news from earthly life. Still plugging away down here, hands in the earth, terrified of what's going on one minute and soaking as much as I can up gratefully the next. I've already gotten 3+ times as many years as you got and it still feels short. "Love you, like you, best pal", Smokey.
mom
 
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mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
582
Not so big Cap. I can read from a mile away.
Never seen a post from him but we all have a date with destiny. Maybe a good place to say we should all stick more together as a community as we are a ostracized (sp. )
Bunch and bicker a bit less as we are more or less in same boat.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,938
Location
in a dream
I'm doing a brutal cleaning.

I always dated the time in this house by your age, born exactly one month after we moved in, so by now that is 30 years. Thirty years and four family members worth of stuff. Stuff from your father's childhood, stuff from my own which includes stuff from my grandmother's childhood and my Dad's and then you two boys. A house stuffed with stuff and all of it laden with so many emotions. Mementos from travels and treasured gifts from friends, old love letters, backpacks and toy trains. Your first sets of clothes. All the artwork from you two as preschoolers and all your writing from your very first attempts at writing your own names to school reports and stories, your old toys, your Easter baskets, Dad's artwork after the war, camping gear. I am going through all of it and trying to loosen its hold on my heart.

Reading your early little-boy writing and seeing your old paintings has been particularly dense with emotion. I photographed it and then out to recycling went a whole box of papers and even the paintings. Whenever I would start to lose my resolve to keep going I would remind myself that I no longer have you in my life but you are still in my heart. I will never forget your stories, never forget the paintings of what your little-boy heart loved.

I am standing right at the border of old age; I am starting to count as many dear ones gone as still living. I don't want to walk into this last landscape laden down with stuff; I want to walk in freely swinging my arms and kicking my feet up, with my heart full to bursting with all love I have received in this life. Thank you for your great big deep love. Thank you for giving me the way you saw the world. No stuff in this world could ever come close to that in the hierarchy of treasures.


Bun-Bun and Pele the cat by Caleb, age 4.
 
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RedRum OG

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
Messages
3,467
Location
MN
I'm doing a brutal cleaning.

I always dated the time in this house by your age, born exactly one month after we moved in, so by now that is 30 years. Thirty years and four family members worth of stuff. Stuff from your father's childhood, stuff from my own which includes stuff from my grandmother's childhood and my Dad's and then you two boys. A house stuffed with stuff and all of it laden with so many emotions. Mementos from travels and treasured gifts from friends, old love letters, backpacks and toy trains. Your first sets of clothes. All the artwork from you two as preschoolers and all your writing from your very first attempts at writing your own names to school reports and stories, your old toys, your Easter baskets, Dad's artwork after the war, camping gear. I am going through all of it and trying to loosen its hold on my heart.

Reading your early little-boy writing and seeing your old paintings has been particularly dense with emotion. I photographed it and then out to recycling went a whole box of papers and even the paintings. Whenever I would start to lose my resolve to keep going I would remind myself that I no longer have you in my life but you are still in my heart. I will never forget your stories, never forget the paintings of what your little-boy heart loved.

I am standing right at the border of old age; I am starting to count as many dear ones gone as still living. I don't want to walk into this last landscape laden down with stuff; I want to walk in freely swinging my arms and kicking my feet up, with my heart full to bursting with all love I have received in this life. Thank you for your great big deep love. Thank you for giving me the way you saw the world. No stuff in this world could ever come close to that in the hierarchy of treasures.

If i ever figure out how to post a photo here now I will post one of your old paintings.
There are few things in life harder than clearing out mementos from someone special who died. Good luck.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,938
Location
in a dream
Thanks, OG. Hard but also freeing. We fight acceptance at every turn but when we finally let it in there is a peace there.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,938
Location
in a dream
Hey, little buddy. I had a nice dream visit from your Dad the other night. You were there around the edges; seeming happy and content but kind of hanging back so Brian and I could have space. Your Dad and I knew--in that dream way of unspoken knowing--that we were in two different worlds and we were just kind of musing and marveling at that when he started asking questions about what it is like living through all this ( climate collapse, the fires, cultural implosion, political meltdown, pandemic) and it felt so strange (and impossible!) to try to explain it all. We ended up just looking at each other smiling and letting the words fade away. It was as if we were acknowledging that we were simply no longer on the same plane at all and there was no way to bridge that gap but also no need to try. I was really happy that you were there and that you seemed so at peace. So often I dream of you as a little kid or a middle-school age and it was nice to see you just the age you were when you left with that great little quiet smile of yours.
 
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