- Oct 28, 2004
Today I read a post on here by someone who is worrying about his brother. Crying now and can't stop. I feel so bad for your brother. Brothers hold memories together, help each other out and have each others backs. You were always my boys, plural. Now you are receding further and further into the past and your brother is pushing on into the future alone without you. I don't want your brother to be alone without family when Dad and I are gone but he will. All over this house two little blonde boys grin at me from picture frames, playing together, building things together, hiking, skateboarding, surfing, pushing each other, eating; sharing all the normal mundane moments of boyhood and adolescence and finally becoming men together. My favorite picture is one of the last of the two of you together, right before you went to rehab. You are sitting with Tyler on a bench in Santa Barbara where we took you to see him before you left. You have your dreads and and both of you are in what I used to call your uniforms--board shorts and tees. There is such an obvious easiness between you. Years of love and the assumption that there will be more years. Today my heart is breaking open again, not for me, not for you; for your brother, who wanted nothing but peace and safety for you, who always believed in your goodness and strength, who no doubt thought someday you would be old guys together, laughing about your antics and trials growing up.
Been reading all the threads in the shrine today. This post especially I think hurts. I never knew caleb, can't recall any of his post, although the name seems vaguely familiar.
Thinking how much it would hurt my mom and brother if I killed myself... Spent the weekend in the woods outside with my brother. Fucking off, just wandering around trying to get lost enjoying the peace and quiet. Playing baseball with pinecones and sticks (i'm almost 30), and sword fighting with more sticks while people look at us like "wtf"... If only this wasn't like all the time...
Thanks for the reminder that our/my actions accect others whether we want them to or not.