Recovery & Relapse:
I was clean from 12/27/2018 until 08/10/2019. 8 months. I was in Step 6 in the NA program. I was working at a subway... I was finally doing okay. I was going to 4 meetings a week. I met with my sponsor each week. I was happy... My relationship to my mom and dad had been restored after years of abuse, violence, and misery. It was all getting better. I had great friends here. I was about to move up to a single man room. I was gonna be off probation on August 21st, 2019. I was gonna get another case dropped....
I completed the 6 month program, but because I relapsed I technically have violated probation... I was doing good.... One bad mistake... Went to meet up with these women for a one night stand... They turned out to be crystal users. I had a bad feeling not to go... It started out once I found out that I was in recovery and could not use. Then I talked myself into taking one hit. Which led to me smoking an entire 8-ball in a few hours... They felt bad because after I did that they just didnt wanna do it anymore because I turned into a pushy douche bag and couldnt perform so they gave me dope ... The bottom one was me last week. The top one is tonight.
I continued to do that dope which was 2 grams or so until Today. I just smoked yesterday. I found smoking wasnt enough. So I decided that I was going to shoot up today. I did... The gram or so that was left... I did 4 x 60 unit shots. Each one got bigger... The first was 30 units of meth and 30 of water. Then 40 units of meth and 20 of water. And then 40 units of meth and 20 of water.... And then the last one 50 units of meth and 10 of water... I did not need to shoot up. I got so spun I had to call off work because I was so high... And disoriented... I'm living in a sober house now. I'm not dumb. I know they all know I'm fucked up.... I don't even have to tell them. I did so much the last few days I literally laid in bed zoning out all day last 2 days... Or the only way that I slept was by force.. I think the staff knows. I am just waiting for them to do a UA. I'm fucked.... Ima get kicked out and have to move back in with mom and dad. Theres nothing I can do.
Thus it might and probably will fuck me on probation... I signed an agreement saying once I complete the 6 month rehab he would terminate my case successfully.. That time came and it got extended until August 21, 2019... I'm probably doing some jail time... Honestly at this point I'm heart broken and crushed. I hurt so bad right now. I've been crying all day. I have been isolated and I havent eaten. I rarely talked to anyone. I told my sponsor the truth and my best friend here.. He took away my needles and meth because I was being stupid and kept slamming.... I fainted a few times today standing up. Probably due to dehydration and lack of food... I havent slept much. I havent told my parents, other friends, counselor, or staff.. Because I'm scared.
I dont want to have to start over. I don't want to have to do jail time. I dont wanna lose my job or my friends or my housing here. I just want to be like I was last week and with my mom and dad.... I know it is going to crush them. I cannot bare that moment... I don't wanna face this. Been considering using fake piss.... Theres no denying it it is my fault.
I put chasing obsessively after sex and impulsively ahead of my recovery... Which caused a lot of disappointment and pain from rejection well because not everyone I wanted to get with wants to get with me... After I couldnt find any "Good" ones I ended up going for hood rats because I knew they have low standards and would fuck.... I'm bisexual and I have been trying to get with some men too.. But I dont admit this.. So I'm lying to myself and not being true to myself. I never called my sponsor. I didnt share my honest feelings all the time. I isolated.. I wasnt fully doing the steps... I took my own will back.
I know this is a hump and things might still work out in some way.. But I also know I fucked up.... Its a get caught with a dirty once and your out program... I'm not entitled to another chance or more just because my past was a lot tougher than others. I have been dealing with PTSD and depression really bad lately. Been home sick. Overwhelmed at work...
Look where I am now. The whole house is whispering about me.. The whole house is talking shit. They are snitching. Most of these mother fuckers wanted me to fall but I know ultimately it is my choice... I'm not scared of just jail and disappointing my family.
I'm scared of where this could take me.... It only took 2 days to go from smoking meth to shooting it up... I didnt even need weed or nothing else to spark that flame... I'm so fucked.... I havent told my mom and dad either....