Lost Realizing I Have a Drug Problem.. What Next

[Cudi]

How would I describe myself in the realm of drugs.. Hmm. Well I have access to almost any drug and binge them at random times for days/weeks on end and then abruptly stop, and then repeat the same process weeks later. It is destroying my mental health. Most of the time, it's benzos. RC benzos usually. Etizolam, Diclazepam, Klonopin, Xanax, anything I can get my hands on.

Recently, it was MDMA used in conjunction with Diclazepam and alcohol for about a week. From dec 10th to around the 17th-18th, I have a complete loss of memory. No recollection other than the beginning when I took 6mg Diclazepam and the end when I was snorting lines of pure crystal MDMA off my phone screen. I believe I took MDMA every day that week, and was using Diclazepam to treat the comedowns and to get sleep. Alcohol was consumed in between all of this, probably increasing the neurotoxicity of the MDMA while worsening the blackouts that benzos cause already on their own.

Around dec 20th (maybe a couple days before, idk), I ran out of diclazepam and slowly began to regain clear thinking. I was shocked at how much memory I was missing. I remember snorting my last line of MDMA and hearing my friend/roommate say "Yeah I think you might have a drug problem". Now, if you guys knew this friend of mine, you'd know that hearing these words come from HIS mouth.. Must mean something. He accompanied me on this binge as he almost always does. We feed into eachother's stupidity.

I have felt like complete shit for the last 8-10 days. I can't tell if it's partial benzo withdrawal or long MDMA comedown or fucking both. I've gone through benzo WD twice. ANd without giving away too much info, let's just say I have a FUCKLOAD of Etizolam coming to me. We need not discuss the methods by which it's coming into my hands, but it is. And I'm terrified for my self control, or lack thereof. I should take NONE of it and get rid of ALL of it. This is what my logic and reason tells me. But the dark side of my mind.. Wants to get absolutely obliterated every day of the week for a month straight.

I'm finishing my final semester of college and even have a full time position I accepted that starts in May. But, I'm so unhappy with my life and hate myself so much that I just want to drown in substances. I'm gonna try to come to this forum every day for support. I may even go to NA, they had one right by my house I noticed the other day. Any advice or anything helps. IDK what I am looking for.. Anything.

 

[ieatstamps]

I'm almost 72 hours into opiate detox as we speak and I know exactly how you're feeling. I was also doing 8-10mg of benzos daily + drinking at night from the age 18-20. Right now more than anything I want to go get something to fix me being sick but i know it's just going to restart the cycle of withdrawl. I myself am sick of feeling sick. I think that's what's pushing me the hardest to keep fighting. Life gets better. Life was good for me before drugs. You can do this. I'm using clonidine and thc to knock the edge off currently. It doesn't take it all away but it dulls withdrawl enough sometimes that I can have a fairly comfortable hour. During that hour break I try to hype myself up mentally and remind myself why I'm doing this. It wont go away unless you face it unfortunately.



I dont know what you're looking for on here, but hopefully I distracted your mind for a minute while you read this atleast.

 

[Painful One]

Doxylamine really helps for benzo withdrawal. It is an over the counter sleep aid.
also cetirizine HCL also helps. It is an over the counter allergy medication.

Give those two a try guys. I think you will feel a whole lot better and will be able to sleep.

You CAN DO This!

 

[Iceman1216]

@Cudi & @ieatstamps , PO is giving you great suggestions to help get Off this shitty ride!! If you can get your hands on it, Gabipentin , has really helped. A bit a a strange dizzy now and then, but has lessened the carvings and thus consumption by over 50%!! I am better with a tapper, then when low enough Jump!! Only problem is pain gets me and I head back to this shitty ride?? One Day at a Time

 

[jose ribas da silva]

You re using drugs to hide your problems. Stop the fugue and start the solutions

 

[Iceman1216]

@ieatstamps , How it going ?
Still strong?
an update is always good for you and others in the Fight
All is well
ICE

 

[Mafioso]

Hey Cudi, just saw this thread.

have felt like complete shit for the last 8-10 days. I can't tell if it's partial benzo withdrawal or long MDMA comedown or fucking both. I've gone through benzo WD twice. ANd without giving away too much info, let's just say I have a FUCKLOAD of Etizolam coming to me. We need not discuss the methods by which it's coming into my hands, but it is. And I'm terrified for my self control, or lack thereof. I should take NONE of it and get rid of ALL of it. This is what my logic and reason tells me. But the dark side of my mind.. Wants to get absolutely obliterated every day of the week for a month straight.

It's definitely a combination of all the drugs that you have done during the bender that is making you feel like shit. Simply put, your body(brain included) has become accustomed to an elevated level of feel good neurotransitters, and it will take a while before it adjust back to the new "normal".

Please be wise and make sure it isn't possible for you to accidentally take too much RC benzo. I know myself and many other rec benzo users have experienced using while in blackout/grey out- only to come to the next day and not remember anything or have extremely spotty memory. Try to think the bender all the way through- is 1 month of getting obliterated, to the point you'll probably not remember much of it, really worth the inevitable months of agony and rebound anxiety that will follow? When you are high, is it really so good that it's worth risking your entire future for?

IME, benzo addiction is more about running from the cravings than it is about running to the high(chasing the dragon). In other words, I get strong cravings and urges to use, but when I use, it's rarely, if ever, satisfying. A lot of times, I feel disappointed- like why was I so eager to just get all numb and inebriated, and I'll just end up smoking massive amounts of weed just to stay occupied. I'll wind up spending huge amounts of time and money, and still be bored and neurotic as ever. Not to mention, my ability to make sound decisions or learn anything new essentially disappears, as well as becoming an emotionless zombie. Usually I know I'm on my way out of benzo withdrawal when I can rejoice at being able to cry again- like I'm happy to feel anything, even if it's sadness.

Hope you're doing ok.