-Introduction-
I've uploaded this story on Reddit as well.
Click to view on Reddit ^^
I know inhalants are stupid as fuck and you should never do them but it's too late to change the past. I've wanted to tell this story for a long time. I also don't ever suggest that anyone tries them because you'll be asking for brain damage.
I'm going to be trying to upload this on Erowid too.
-------------
This report is going to be about multiple experiences I've had with huffing and uppers in general. Some experiences may be hard to describe so please bare with me. I'd like to start out by saying I am diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, ADD, and PTSD. Which have all been professionally diagnosed. I have been through a lot and have experienced things I shouldn't have at such a young age and I am honestly lucky to be alive. I have always been very tuned in to my emotions and think about my emotions differently than most people do. But anyway, I have used Marijuana, Alcohol, Nicotine, LSD, Mushrooms, DPH (Benadryl), DXM (Robitussin), Adderall, Methylphenidate, Methamphetamine, Xanax, Ativan, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Tramadol, and Inhalants. But for this report, I am going to be focusing on my use of stimulants and how they led me to do inhalants. I'm not really able to relate to a lot of people my age and I wanna be able to share my experiences with these substances somewhere people will most likely understand.
-How it started-
Growing up I wasn't really what you would call "popular" I got bullied a lot in elementary school and was what I would call an outcast in middle school. I also wasn't the smartest of people. I dealt with different forms of abuse growing up and it definitely affected me mentally.
Around 3rd and 5th grade I started having a lot of problems focusing in school and on everything around me. My teacher started to notice this after yelling at me in front of the class for almost the entire year for not being able to finish any of my school work.
The teacher called my parents and my parents took me into a psychiatrist's office where they got me prescribed ADHD meds. They actually did help at first but they actually ended up making my anxiety/depression worse. This led to me getting put on a plethora of different ADHD meds and having a large amount of fully filled pill bottles left over.
-Stimulants and Psychedelics-
In 7th grade, I started drinking and stealing my parent's alcohol on occasion. But it wasn't until 8th grade after I stopped getting prescribed my ADD meds that I actually tried to get high off of them. I was already drinking a lot and getting high off various OTC allergy meds and taking my mother's marijuana/buying it off dealers that I actually tried getting high off of them. The only reason I even thought about it was because a friend at school told me I'm just letting them go to waste sitting around in my medicine cabinet. (Unfortunately, that friend was only using me for my ADD meds because she wanted to get high and lose weight because she was fat asf.) In my head, I didn't have any reason to deny it because it would have been an easy way to get high.
The next morning I woke up and dug viciously through the back of my medicine cabinet until I found all of my old prescription bottles. I read the pill bottles and they all said that they didn't expire for a good amount of time so I grabbed what I thought was the most well-known pill (Adderall XR) and I put 10 of them in a zip-lock bag. I put the pills in my pocket and I rushed onto the school bus.
Once I got to school I met up with her in the morning and we both split the 10 pills with each other equally and we planned to take them at 6th period because 7th period was gym class and they would have gotten a decent amount of time to kick in. I waited for 6th period and with no hesitation, I asked to go to the bathroom and I grabbed a plastic water bottle I had leftover from a week before out of my locker. I walked towards the water fountains (which were right next to the bathrooms) and I filled up my water bottle. After filling up my water bottle I walked into the bathroom and went to the last stall. I opened up the plastic bag and dumped the 5 pills I had left into my mouth and took a fatass swig from my water bottle. I hit my JUUL in the bathroom while I was at it and I texted my friend to check if she took the pills too. She texted me saying that she already took them so we were good to go for 7th period.
While getting to 7th period I started to get this slight feeling of excitement and paranoia so I assumed it was the Adderall. I was then taken back by what seemed to be a huge punch across the face of adrenaline and euphoria. I felt euphoria similar to this from syrup but never this strong. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I could do anything. All my depression, anxiety, and worries washed away as every step I took felt like I was running up the staircase to heaven. I was first to finish on the track and I was dripping with sweat and I felt very excited and talkative. This was very strange for everyone to watch because I was known as one of the quiet kids in school. During the end of 8th grade, I continued to do this off and on for a while until I ended up running out of pill bottles.
By the beginning of 9th grade, I was starting to develop PTSD from past trauma but I started to gain popularity from being very social and I was buying the pills off the street when I was able to. I switched to meth because it was cheaper but gave me a bigger rush of euphoria.
By the end of 9th grade to the end of summer. I was having a hard time trying to find dealers that sold it so I forced myself to stop. But I did in fact have a dealer that sold LSD and shrooms. Buying them for the first time I accidentally discovered that it gave me a similar feeling that amphetamines gave me. This led me to do a lot of acid because I enjoyed the similar rush of euphoria.
It wasn't until the beginning of 10th grade that I wanted that powerful rush back. I then figured out how to make meth myself with nasal congestants n shit to avoid the hassle of finding dealers and buying it with my own money when I could just shoplift shit from the store and make it at home.
-Inhalants, LSD, and Meth-
I started to get sick of having to spend all my money on drugs and finding the money in the first place so I went around and begged my friends for their drugs. Obviously, they got sick of doing this so I sought out for cheap alternatives. Also during this time, I would say my Depression and Anxiety were at it's worst and I was trying to numb the pain from my PTSD instead of getting the proper help for it. It's funny that around the same time I was put into an art class that used Elmer's Rubber Cement for gluing together pieces of metal. My friend and I heard of people getting high off the shit in the past but I never thought of trying it for myself. While we were doing our work I read the back of the bottle and read, "Do not breathe dust/fume/gas/mist/vapors/spray." So of course my dumbass gave it a few sniffs when nobody was looking. I started to get a warm tingly feeling throughout my body after a few sniffs and I quickly stuffed it into the side pocket on my jacket and I asked to go to the bathroom.
Once I was in the bathroom I went into the last stall and sat down on the toilet. I opened the container and set the lid upside down on the toilet paper rack so the glue from the brush wouldn't drip all over the place. I wiped the glue off from around the lid and I stuck my mouth over the container and started breathing in the fumes from the glue. I got that same warm and tingly feeling after a few huffs so I kept going. After what I would say about 10-15 strong huffs I started to feel a very strong rush of euphoria with a wave of relaxation and numbness throughout my entire body. I couldn't feel the bottom half of my face and my focus started to only be on the glue container. After a countless amount of huffs, I put down the container and stared deeply into the floor. I felt like my brain was getting fried and I felt dissociated from reality. I started to hear what sounded like a powerline shooting out electricity and a lot of loud pops. My ears were ringing and I was also hearing what sounded like a pounding noise off in the distance. The lights started to flicker and I started to get a "wah-wah" sound in my ears like the sound was coming in and out in chops and waves. I started to get a strange feeling of deja vu like I've felt this feeling before but I couldn't put my finger on it. I got up, put the cap on the container, and put the container back in my pocket.
I stumbled back to class and sat down and the feeling lasted for a good 10 minutes before fully going away. I couldn't stop thinking about the experience for the rest of the day. I never experienced a feeling like that. The closest thing I could compare it to was having a seizure. A normal person would probably think in their head, "Hey, maybe that's a sign I shouldn't fucking do that anymore." But in my fucked up head I thought it was a very interesting experience.
So when I got home the first thing I did was run to my room and crack open the bottle of rubber cement. I went on Facetime with my friend from art class and I described to them how it made me feel so I showed them how I did it. They watched me huff the container of rubber cement and I honestly could tell they were kind of scared but I didn't care.
I kept huffing and I got that same feeling I got from in the bathroom. I got that same deja vu feeling and I remember telling them, "I feel like I've been here before." I felt as if I felt that feeling before but I was forbidden by the universe to feel that feeling. I thought that God or some higher power didn't allow humans to experience that feeling but I found a secret way that nobody else knew to experience that feeling. I felt that I was special because nobody else in the world has ever experienced what that feeling was. The feeling I got was unlike any drug I've ever experienced and I loved it.
After I came off of it I hung up the phone with my friend and continued to huff the rubber cement. I continued to do this for several days until I ran out of glue. I was pissed as fuck because I knew there was no other way I could feel that way ever again so I convinced my dad to take me to Walmart and allow me to buy two big containers of glue.
For the next two weeks after buying it I scraped up enough money to try to get a shit ton of tabs off my dealer and I huffed and would drop 3-6 190 ug - 250 ug tabs at the same time. The visuals I would get from the combo were intense. It would feel as the LSD visuals would take over and I would go into dream states that I can't describe.
I ended up running out of LSD and glue so I researched more things that I could huff. I discovered that you could get high off huffing gasoline. After reading this I waited for everyone to go to sleep and I went to the kitchen and grabbed a large water bottle out of the cabinet. After grabbing the water bottle I snuck outside and went into the shed where there were two containers of gas for the lawnmower. I poured the gasoline into the water bottle and I sealed it uptight. I quickly ran out of the shed and hurried back inside where I quietly ran into my room. I sat down on my bed and I opened the water bottle and started huffing the gas. I got a very warm fuzzy feeling similar to the glue from the gas. I kept huffing and I got a similar feeling that glue gave me but the euphoria wasn't as strong. I kept huffing the gasoline until I started to blackout and nod off. I didn't realize it while I was out but when I came to I noticed some of the gasoline spilled onto the bed. The puddle was admitting a very strong smell of gasoline so I closed the container and set it on my nightstand. I ripped the bedsheet off my bed, threw it in my closet, and flipped over the mattress. I sprayed Febreeze hoping the smell would go away. I put the container in an old bookbag in my closet and went to bed.
The next day I woke up to my Mom saying my room smells like chemicals. I said the quickest thought that came to my head and I told her it was the rubber cement we had to use for art class. I lied to her and told her it had a very strong smell and that I spilled it on my mattress and that's why I flipped it over. She believed me and didn't think to look through my room. That night I went to my shed and got more gas and ran back to my room. Instead of sitting in the middle of my room for the whole house to smell it I went into my closet and sat down and continued to huff the gas. I kept huffing for a few weeks until I wasn't getting satisfied with the high the water bottle was giving me so I grabbed a bigger one and filled it up.
I went into my room and huffed it some more and got an even better high than the first time. It was not until this time when I started getting actual hallucinations from my huffing. It first started with little whispers to sounds of a vacuum running to full-on portals on my wall and people. I remember one time while huffing I was looking at the floor watching an army of people the size of legos carrying a foreign object. I laughed and thought it was funny as they played tug of war to see who will win the large object.
After a few more days I started to wonder if I could mix the leftover glue in the containers with the gasoline. To my surprise, it seemed that the two solvents mixed together in the glue container and basically made a new form of thick glue but a very bright color. This was when I would say my huffing got to it's worst. My mental state was the worst it ever was, my grades were all F's and my friends were starting to get really worried about me. Still, I wanted more. The gas and glue on their own weren't satisfying me. I wanted to get that rush of euphoria that meth gave me but feel this feeling at the same time.
I did more research and I found out that Raid and other wasp sprays can give u a similar rush to methamphetamine. At the same time, I started to attempt to buy amphetamines off the streets again or try to make it myself. I started to take pills or crushed up meth and spray the Raid onto it to boost the high. The high I would get from the bug spray was intense. I would start to feel a burning feeling throughout my face and my nose would get very stuffy. I would then start to get a huge rush of adrenaline and euphoria. After this, my body would start to feel really stiff and tense and I would start to have hallucinations. The closest thing I could compare it to was the tracker jacker scene from the Hunger Games. The only difference was I was getting motion trails at the same time.
-Suicide Attempt-
After two weeks of doing this dumbass shit, I thought I would try to commit suicide from huffing the gas. I went into my closet when nobody was awake and opened up the gas container mixed it with the glue. I kept huffing over and over and over until I felt my body slowing down. The sound of the fan on my desk started to lower in pitch and I watched my vision start going out and I closed my eyes.
I started to feel my heart almost completely get to stop when something told me,
"Stop! Think about the people that care about you."
After hearing this I opened my eyes and started breathing heavily to get oxygen to my brain. I thought about what I just did and realized suicide wasn't worth it. Not because I cared about myself but because I didn't want my family and friends to suffer since they already had a lot of issues themselves.
I tried to control the huffing the next few weeks and I dumped the gas container out somewhere down the street. I was fine for a few days until I couldn't fucking take it anymore. I felt like the cravings and withdrawals from the amphetamines were taking over me. I gave up and I went back to huffing and I lied to my friends and told them I was sober.
Around this time it was getting very obvious that something was up to the people around me. I was blacking out and running around the house doing god knows what only to have my family find me passed out on the ground smelling like literal death. I made multiple promises to my family and friends that I was going to get my fucking shit under control and to stop the huffing.
It wasn't until one morning after a night of promising to my family and friends that I'm gonna stop that I proved to myself I was wrong. I got out of bed and ran straight to my closet and started huffing without even thinking. I nodded off and I knocked over the gas container. The smell filled up the house and my Dad came into my room and started questioning me. I was too fucked up to even understand what he was saying because my brain was too fried up to comprehend what was going on. After staring at him for 30 seconds I was able to hear him say, "Come into the kitchen now." I stumbled through the whole house and he didn't even bother to help me after I almost collapsed onto the floor. I assume he was just very angry though. I walked into the kitchen and my Mom asked me if I was huffing and I told her I was. I told them I couldn't stop. My Mom cried and hugged me and told me that she's gonna try to get me help.
-Recovery-
After this, I spent a lengthy stay at a psych hospital and then got transported to a rehab facility. If It wasn't for my parents catching me that day I probably wouldn't be here right now. I'm finally sober and I'm no longer suicidal anymore. Also, I'm sorry if this story was kinda shitty or confusing because this is the first time I've ever written something like this. But thanks for taking the time out of your day for reading it. Don't try inhalants. They're not fucking worth it. I'm still recovering from some damage it's done to my brain and my memory is fucking horrible now. People tell me full-on conversations I've had with them or experiences I've had with them and I don't remember any second of it. I also am having serious problems with my heart and I had a stroke while in rehab. I wish I was making this up but it is what it is. I'm hoping and trying my best to at least stay clean off of all this fucked up shit for the rest of my life.
I've uploaded this story on Reddit as well.
Click to view on Reddit ^^
I know inhalants are stupid as fuck and you should never do them but it's too late to change the past. I've wanted to tell this story for a long time. I also don't ever suggest that anyone tries them because you'll be asking for brain damage.
I'm going to be trying to upload this on Erowid too.
-------------
This report is going to be about multiple experiences I've had with huffing and uppers in general. Some experiences may be hard to describe so please bare with me. I'd like to start out by saying I am diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, ADD, and PTSD. Which have all been professionally diagnosed. I have been through a lot and have experienced things I shouldn't have at such a young age and I am honestly lucky to be alive. I have always been very tuned in to my emotions and think about my emotions differently than most people do. But anyway, I have used Marijuana, Alcohol, Nicotine, LSD, Mushrooms, DPH (Benadryl), DXM (Robitussin), Adderall, Methylphenidate, Methamphetamine, Xanax, Ativan, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Tramadol, and Inhalants. But for this report, I am going to be focusing on my use of stimulants and how they led me to do inhalants. I'm not really able to relate to a lot of people my age and I wanna be able to share my experiences with these substances somewhere people will most likely understand.
-How it started-
Growing up I wasn't really what you would call "popular" I got bullied a lot in elementary school and was what I would call an outcast in middle school. I also wasn't the smartest of people. I dealt with different forms of abuse growing up and it definitely affected me mentally.
Around 3rd and 5th grade I started having a lot of problems focusing in school and on everything around me. My teacher started to notice this after yelling at me in front of the class for almost the entire year for not being able to finish any of my school work.
The teacher called my parents and my parents took me into a psychiatrist's office where they got me prescribed ADHD meds. They actually did help at first but they actually ended up making my anxiety/depression worse. This led to me getting put on a plethora of different ADHD meds and having a large amount of fully filled pill bottles left over.
-Stimulants and Psychedelics-
In 7th grade, I started drinking and stealing my parent's alcohol on occasion. But it wasn't until 8th grade after I stopped getting prescribed my ADD meds that I actually tried to get high off of them. I was already drinking a lot and getting high off various OTC allergy meds and taking my mother's marijuana/buying it off dealers that I actually tried getting high off of them. The only reason I even thought about it was because a friend at school told me I'm just letting them go to waste sitting around in my medicine cabinet. (Unfortunately, that friend was only using me for my ADD meds because she wanted to get high and lose weight because she was fat asf.) In my head, I didn't have any reason to deny it because it would have been an easy way to get high.
The next morning I woke up and dug viciously through the back of my medicine cabinet until I found all of my old prescription bottles. I read the pill bottles and they all said that they didn't expire for a good amount of time so I grabbed what I thought was the most well-known pill (Adderall XR) and I put 10 of them in a zip-lock bag. I put the pills in my pocket and I rushed onto the school bus.
Once I got to school I met up with her in the morning and we both split the 10 pills with each other equally and we planned to take them at 6th period because 7th period was gym class and they would have gotten a decent amount of time to kick in. I waited for 6th period and with no hesitation, I asked to go to the bathroom and I grabbed a plastic water bottle I had leftover from a week before out of my locker. I walked towards the water fountains (which were right next to the bathrooms) and I filled up my water bottle. After filling up my water bottle I walked into the bathroom and went to the last stall. I opened up the plastic bag and dumped the 5 pills I had left into my mouth and took a fatass swig from my water bottle. I hit my JUUL in the bathroom while I was at it and I texted my friend to check if she took the pills too. She texted me saying that she already took them so we were good to go for 7th period.
While getting to 7th period I started to get this slight feeling of excitement and paranoia so I assumed it was the Adderall. I was then taken back by what seemed to be a huge punch across the face of adrenaline and euphoria. I felt euphoria similar to this from syrup but never this strong. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I could do anything. All my depression, anxiety, and worries washed away as every step I took felt like I was running up the staircase to heaven. I was first to finish on the track and I was dripping with sweat and I felt very excited and talkative. This was very strange for everyone to watch because I was known as one of the quiet kids in school. During the end of 8th grade, I continued to do this off and on for a while until I ended up running out of pill bottles.
By the beginning of 9th grade, I was starting to develop PTSD from past trauma but I started to gain popularity from being very social and I was buying the pills off the street when I was able to. I switched to meth because it was cheaper but gave me a bigger rush of euphoria.
By the end of 9th grade to the end of summer. I was having a hard time trying to find dealers that sold it so I forced myself to stop. But I did in fact have a dealer that sold LSD and shrooms. Buying them for the first time I accidentally discovered that it gave me a similar feeling that amphetamines gave me. This led me to do a lot of acid because I enjoyed the similar rush of euphoria.
It wasn't until the beginning of 10th grade that I wanted that powerful rush back. I then figured out how to make meth myself with nasal congestants n shit to avoid the hassle of finding dealers and buying it with my own money when I could just shoplift shit from the store and make it at home.
-Inhalants, LSD, and Meth-
I started to get sick of having to spend all my money on drugs and finding the money in the first place so I went around and begged my friends for their drugs. Obviously, they got sick of doing this so I sought out for cheap alternatives. Also during this time, I would say my Depression and Anxiety were at it's worst and I was trying to numb the pain from my PTSD instead of getting the proper help for it. It's funny that around the same time I was put into an art class that used Elmer's Rubber Cement for gluing together pieces of metal. My friend and I heard of people getting high off the shit in the past but I never thought of trying it for myself. While we were doing our work I read the back of the bottle and read, "Do not breathe dust/fume/gas/mist/vapors/spray." So of course my dumbass gave it a few sniffs when nobody was looking. I started to get a warm tingly feeling throughout my body after a few sniffs and I quickly stuffed it into the side pocket on my jacket and I asked to go to the bathroom.
Once I was in the bathroom I went into the last stall and sat down on the toilet. I opened the container and set the lid upside down on the toilet paper rack so the glue from the brush wouldn't drip all over the place. I wiped the glue off from around the lid and I stuck my mouth over the container and started breathing in the fumes from the glue. I got that same warm and tingly feeling after a few huffs so I kept going. After what I would say about 10-15 strong huffs I started to feel a very strong rush of euphoria with a wave of relaxation and numbness throughout my entire body. I couldn't feel the bottom half of my face and my focus started to only be on the glue container. After a countless amount of huffs, I put down the container and stared deeply into the floor. I felt like my brain was getting fried and I felt dissociated from reality. I started to hear what sounded like a powerline shooting out electricity and a lot of loud pops. My ears were ringing and I was also hearing what sounded like a pounding noise off in the distance. The lights started to flicker and I started to get a "wah-wah" sound in my ears like the sound was coming in and out in chops and waves. I started to get a strange feeling of deja vu like I've felt this feeling before but I couldn't put my finger on it. I got up, put the cap on the container, and put the container back in my pocket.
I stumbled back to class and sat down and the feeling lasted for a good 10 minutes before fully going away. I couldn't stop thinking about the experience for the rest of the day. I never experienced a feeling like that. The closest thing I could compare it to was having a seizure. A normal person would probably think in their head, "Hey, maybe that's a sign I shouldn't fucking do that anymore." But in my fucked up head I thought it was a very interesting experience.
So when I got home the first thing I did was run to my room and crack open the bottle of rubber cement. I went on Facetime with my friend from art class and I described to them how it made me feel so I showed them how I did it. They watched me huff the container of rubber cement and I honestly could tell they were kind of scared but I didn't care.
I kept huffing and I got that same feeling I got from in the bathroom. I got that same deja vu feeling and I remember telling them, "I feel like I've been here before." I felt as if I felt that feeling before but I was forbidden by the universe to feel that feeling. I thought that God or some higher power didn't allow humans to experience that feeling but I found a secret way that nobody else knew to experience that feeling. I felt that I was special because nobody else in the world has ever experienced what that feeling was. The feeling I got was unlike any drug I've ever experienced and I loved it.
After I came off of it I hung up the phone with my friend and continued to huff the rubber cement. I continued to do this for several days until I ran out of glue. I was pissed as fuck because I knew there was no other way I could feel that way ever again so I convinced my dad to take me to Walmart and allow me to buy two big containers of glue.
For the next two weeks after buying it I scraped up enough money to try to get a shit ton of tabs off my dealer and I huffed and would drop 3-6 190 ug - 250 ug tabs at the same time. The visuals I would get from the combo were intense. It would feel as the LSD visuals would take over and I would go into dream states that I can't describe.
I ended up running out of LSD and glue so I researched more things that I could huff. I discovered that you could get high off huffing gasoline. After reading this I waited for everyone to go to sleep and I went to the kitchen and grabbed a large water bottle out of the cabinet. After grabbing the water bottle I snuck outside and went into the shed where there were two containers of gas for the lawnmower. I poured the gasoline into the water bottle and I sealed it uptight. I quickly ran out of the shed and hurried back inside where I quietly ran into my room. I sat down on my bed and I opened the water bottle and started huffing the gas. I got a very warm fuzzy feeling similar to the glue from the gas. I kept huffing and I got a similar feeling that glue gave me but the euphoria wasn't as strong. I kept huffing the gasoline until I started to blackout and nod off. I didn't realize it while I was out but when I came to I noticed some of the gasoline spilled onto the bed. The puddle was admitting a very strong smell of gasoline so I closed the container and set it on my nightstand. I ripped the bedsheet off my bed, threw it in my closet, and flipped over the mattress. I sprayed Febreeze hoping the smell would go away. I put the container in an old bookbag in my closet and went to bed.
The next day I woke up to my Mom saying my room smells like chemicals. I said the quickest thought that came to my head and I told her it was the rubber cement we had to use for art class. I lied to her and told her it had a very strong smell and that I spilled it on my mattress and that's why I flipped it over. She believed me and didn't think to look through my room. That night I went to my shed and got more gas and ran back to my room. Instead of sitting in the middle of my room for the whole house to smell it I went into my closet and sat down and continued to huff the gas. I kept huffing for a few weeks until I wasn't getting satisfied with the high the water bottle was giving me so I grabbed a bigger one and filled it up.
I went into my room and huffed it some more and got an even better high than the first time. It was not until this time when I started getting actual hallucinations from my huffing. It first started with little whispers to sounds of a vacuum running to full-on portals on my wall and people. I remember one time while huffing I was looking at the floor watching an army of people the size of legos carrying a foreign object. I laughed and thought it was funny as they played tug of war to see who will win the large object.
After a few more days I started to wonder if I could mix the leftover glue in the containers with the gasoline. To my surprise, it seemed that the two solvents mixed together in the glue container and basically made a new form of thick glue but a very bright color. This was when I would say my huffing got to it's worst. My mental state was the worst it ever was, my grades were all F's and my friends were starting to get really worried about me. Still, I wanted more. The gas and glue on their own weren't satisfying me. I wanted to get that rush of euphoria that meth gave me but feel this feeling at the same time.
I did more research and I found out that Raid and other wasp sprays can give u a similar rush to methamphetamine. At the same time, I started to attempt to buy amphetamines off the streets again or try to make it myself. I started to take pills or crushed up meth and spray the Raid onto it to boost the high. The high I would get from the bug spray was intense. I would start to feel a burning feeling throughout my face and my nose would get very stuffy. I would then start to get a huge rush of adrenaline and euphoria. After this, my body would start to feel really stiff and tense and I would start to have hallucinations. The closest thing I could compare it to was the tracker jacker scene from the Hunger Games. The only difference was I was getting motion trails at the same time.
-Suicide Attempt-
After two weeks of doing this dumbass shit, I thought I would try to commit suicide from huffing the gas. I went into my closet when nobody was awake and opened up the gas container mixed it with the glue. I kept huffing over and over and over until I felt my body slowing down. The sound of the fan on my desk started to lower in pitch and I watched my vision start going out and I closed my eyes.
I started to feel my heart almost completely get to stop when something told me,
"Stop! Think about the people that care about you."
After hearing this I opened my eyes and started breathing heavily to get oxygen to my brain. I thought about what I just did and realized suicide wasn't worth it. Not because I cared about myself but because I didn't want my family and friends to suffer since they already had a lot of issues themselves.
I tried to control the huffing the next few weeks and I dumped the gas container out somewhere down the street. I was fine for a few days until I couldn't fucking take it anymore. I felt like the cravings and withdrawals from the amphetamines were taking over me. I gave up and I went back to huffing and I lied to my friends and told them I was sober.
Around this time it was getting very obvious that something was up to the people around me. I was blacking out and running around the house doing god knows what only to have my family find me passed out on the ground smelling like literal death. I made multiple promises to my family and friends that I was going to get my fucking shit under control and to stop the huffing.
It wasn't until one morning after a night of promising to my family and friends that I'm gonna stop that I proved to myself I was wrong. I got out of bed and ran straight to my closet and started huffing without even thinking. I nodded off and I knocked over the gas container. The smell filled up the house and my Dad came into my room and started questioning me. I was too fucked up to even understand what he was saying because my brain was too fried up to comprehend what was going on. After staring at him for 30 seconds I was able to hear him say, "Come into the kitchen now." I stumbled through the whole house and he didn't even bother to help me after I almost collapsed onto the floor. I assume he was just very angry though. I walked into the kitchen and my Mom asked me if I was huffing and I told her I was. I told them I couldn't stop. My Mom cried and hugged me and told me that she's gonna try to get me help.
-Recovery-
After this, I spent a lengthy stay at a psych hospital and then got transported to a rehab facility. If It wasn't for my parents catching me that day I probably wouldn't be here right now. I'm finally sober and I'm no longer suicidal anymore. Also, I'm sorry if this story was kinda shitty or confusing because this is the first time I've ever written something like this. But thanks for taking the time out of your day for reading it. Don't try inhalants. They're not fucking worth it. I'm still recovering from some damage it's done to my brain and my memory is fucking horrible now. People tell me full-on conversations I've had with them or experiences I've had with them and I don't remember any second of it. I also am having serious problems with my heart and I had a stroke while in rehab. I wish I was making this up but it is what it is. I'm hoping and trying my best to at least stay clean off of all this fucked up shit for the rest of my life.
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I don't want to lie to you and say you will cure yourself. I thought I had cured myself because I stayed off opiates and didn't really crave them for 5 years (after 10 years of intense addiction). I still used other drugs though, and then I relapsed on opiates after all that time when my life got really painful due to losing my dad and divorce. You will always have to remain vigilant and work to avoid addiction, but it does get easier to avoid drugs the longer you don't use them, you stop thinking about them so much.