Quitting alcohol... Need help

[Hilkert]

I am not sure what finally compelled me to make an account and reach out to this community. I have thought about posting this 100 times before.

I am 29 years old. I have been married 8 years and have 3 beautiful children. I am the sole provider for our family as my wife stays with the kids. I am a complete, and severe, highly functioning alcoholic. I feel my health is now in danger and I have to make a change. A little background.

I have always had the most addictive personality ever. At 17, I started my first addiction with cocaine. This led to getting arrested for possession and having to do impatient to kick the habit, then a year of drug court to remove the felony from my record.

After kicking this addiction, is when I was introduced to pain pills. The next 4 years of my life consisted of being severely addicted to pain pills / opiates. I'm talking 300 mg of Roxy a day. The withdrawal from that was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Truly awful. I ended up starting the suboxone program.. And it worked wonders for me!! I kicked the pain pills, then one year later completely stopped the suboxone program as well. So I was definitely a model in how the suboxone program can work if you put the effort in.

Well, as my past shows, quitting one addiction makes me start another. About 5 years ago is when I got off the suboxone. This is when my addiction to alcohol began. I have basically drank ever since.

I have successfully quit the booze for periods of time during this 5 years. Well, once I guess. Last year from January to April was my only break. I was able to do it with just exercise and will power.

Fast forward to today however, and I'm in a much different place. I developed anxiety issues this year and was prescribed anti depressents. I had hopes that these would somehow help me not go back to the booze over and over. When I started the anti depressents I had 24 hours where I didn't drink. Unfortunately when I started again it absolutely blew up.

It has been almost a year now since starting the SSRI, and my drinking has evolved to the point that my health is going downhill fast. Whether I'm working or not doesn't really matter at this point. Sometimes I'm up to 10 shots of vodka before lunch. Average 9 to 12 beers after I get home as well. So the last year, I'm at about 22 drinks a day.

My relationship with food has changed. I now only eat to get enough in my belly to be able drink. I am 6 foot and 200 pounds. I am honestly surprised I have been able to maintain any muscle and am not malnourished. As many days, 80% of my calories come from vodka and beer.

My escalated drinking combined with my new found anxiety, has got me really worried about quitting. I know I have to, like I said my health is going down so fast that it's truly scary. My digestive system is completely trashed. I know that this detox will not be like the last time. I believe it's possible I will seizure.

I know that I will need help to stop. Impatient, or medical detox is not an option for me tho. I can not stop working or my family wouldn't have any income. I'm also extremely hesitant to go to my doctor and ask to benzos to help with the withdrawals, because with my addictive personality I can see that route causing me another addiction.

I am at a loss of what to do. But feel that I am at the point of no return with alcohol. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Any other medicines that may help that aren't benzos? Or is that a risk I should be willing to take?

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for listening

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Welcome to Bluelight Hilkert and thanks for sharing your predicament. Can I ask how long you have been drinking heavily?

 

[Hilkert]

Welcome to Bluelight Hilkert and thanks for sharing your predicament. Can I ask how long you have been drinking heavily?

Thanks for your reply. I would say my drinking has been heavy for 5 years. However, in the last year it went from an average of about 10-12 drinks a day, to my current 22 drinks a day average.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Thanks for your reply. I would say my drinking has been heavy for 5 years. However, in the last year it went from an average of about 10-12 drinks a day, to my current 22 drinks a day average.

Ok. I've been drinking heavily for about 10 years now - ever since I came off heroin (funny that eh?). Like you, I have always substituted one addiction for another. Also like you, I'm a high functioning alcoholic with a job and a family, but I'm 55 years old. My job involves a lot of driving and I'm ashamed to say that about 80% of that time I have been under the influence of alcohol throughout my working day. I would go to the local supermarket at 7am, buy a half bottle of vodka (350ml @ 37.5 abv) and it would be gone by lunchtime. Often I bought more for the afternoon, the again for the evening. However, due to my tolerance I was totally capable of driving sensibly and performing my work duties.

I've recently become so sick and tired of the whole thing that I made a concerted effort to cut down. In fact, I recently just went a whole 7 days with no alcohol due to financial circumstances and experienced absolutely no withdrawal. This was a game changer for me. I realised the worst thing about not drinking was the fear of not drinking. Now I dont drink during the day anymore. I've thrown myself into my job and am thoroughly rewarded by it. I still drink, but now it's only a few cans at night - and more importantly, not every night. I still crave vodka, but when I give in to my cravings it is thoroughly disappointing so that craving is diminishing.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that although we're all different, it takes a very long time to build a physical addiction to alcohol, and you might think you are worse than you really are.

Cut down your drinking now. Have a few beers at night. Dont drink in the morning it just fucks you up for the rest of the day. Drink shitloads of coffee. Focus on your job and your family. It takes a while mate, but you can do it.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

TAPER off it, slowly and carefully. Don't quit all at once. Trust me on that.
If you are sick then abstain because it will make you sicker, but it's near impossible for anyone (and if it is it is not wise due to possible toxicity without tapering on alcohol) to stay clean without tapering alcohol (I have unfortunately seen people try and the malaise/depression would not seem to lessen but grow in intensity or remain static).

You can quit, it is doable. Do you have a support network?

As many days, 80% of my calories come from vodka and beer.

This is not good, but I've seen it and I know it's possible. I'm not judging you but really don't want you to keep on that path too long, it is toxic long-term and it can kill you remarkably early in life.

 

[Hilkert]

TAPER off it, slowly and carefully. Don't quit all at once. Trust me on that.
If you are sick then abstain because it will make you sicker, but it's near impossible for anyone (and if it is it is not wise due to possible toxicity without tapering on alcohol) to stay clean without tapering alcohol (I have unfortunately seen people try and the malaise/depression would not seem to lessen but grow in intensity or remain static).

You can quit, it is doable. Do you have a support network?


This is not good, but I've seen it and I know it's possible. I'm not judging you but really don't want you to keep on that path too long, it is toxic long-term and it can kill you remarkably early in life.

That is my biggest worry. Thank you for your reply. I would have an amazing support network if I would reach out to them. My wife knows I drink but hates it. She doesn't know extent of it though. She sees me drink beer but probably does not want to believe how many shooters I'm taking before I get home. Deep down she knows but I'm such an ass if she ever calls me out, that she has stopped pestering... I have tried tapering beer before, but I find myself ALWAYS justifying it. I'm a workaholic, real job and my side job, and that goes hand in hand with me drinking more. I'm bringing the money home that my family needs and that's how I justify it. I know this is wrong as I can tell my body is failing fast...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Both of these guys know their shit. But I’m just here to let you know I support you!! I know you can do this! I know at this point all it is, is words to you. But I’ve learned that sometimes talking it out making a plan and knowing that people support that plan can help you do amazing things

 

[Jabberwocky]

It’s important that you know though, that if you drink yourself into a grave all that working now will not help them. You are taking an important step being honest with yourself, then next step is being honest with your wife. So that you can form a plan to get you the help you need.

That is my biggest worry. Thank you for your reply. I would have an amazing support network if I would reach out to them. My wife knows I drink but hates it. She doesn't know extent of it though. She sees me drink beer but probably does not want to believe how many shooters I'm taking before I get home. Deep down she knows but I'm such an ass if she ever calls me out, that she has stopped pestering... I have tried tapering beer before, but I find myself ALWAYS justifying it. I'm a workaholic, real job and my side job, and that goes hand in hand with me drinking more. I'm bringing the money home that my family needs and that's how I justify it. I know this is wrong as I can tell my body is failing fast...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's really good if your wife HATES it and knows, then tell her you WANT to cut down on the drinking to a point where it won't hurt to quit because it CAN do damage to your brain if you're randomly stopping HIGH DOSE alcohol.

Perhaps try cutting out 2-3 drinks per few days, or drink half of what you were, and feel it out - if you're having shakes, etc. or anxiety/panic attacks you're probably coming off too quick. People can have seizures/terrible mood/shakes/tremors, etc. from randomly quitting high dose alcohol.

You could probably taper off in a 2-3 day period. Consider every day you drink less a victory. You're going to have to consider it that way because the "all or nothing" self-punishment if you relapse or have a beer somewhere is not good for you. Alcohol use is pushed on the society here very hard and is everywhere you go. I cannot blame someone for alcoholism; had heroin been otc and this heavily advertised, had its own aisle at the grocery store / entire stores dedicated to it, massive billboards advertising it almost as if it's the only thing they'll put on a billboard other than a movie now, I wouldn't have been able to quit heroin. I'm almost sure of it. I was rarely triggered by the outside world, mostly stuff in my own mind, but if the availability/advertising was that constant I likely wouldn't be alive today.

So trust me I'm not judging you for what you're doing. I've known many fun-loving, amazing people who go high-dose long-term alcohol use (the most neutral way I can put it) and my heart aches for all of them because it's never a good thing long-term.

If you talk about your anxiety with her and tell her you WANT to quit drinking and her support would be helpful she will LIKELY be VERY VERY HAPPY and supportive of your decision and she can help make sure you aren't going too hard each night but can keep an eye on you in case you're coming off it abruptly (symptoms vary wildly in the people I've seen do this; I had no problem going from a few weeks of 8-16 shots of liquor/day to nothing randomly but this is normally *terrible* for most people).

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

In my experience it's very easy to taper down quickly from alcohol - more so than any other addictive drug. I've often gone down from a bottle of vodka/day to a can of cider in 3 days. The trick is to keep it at the can of cider level. The beauty (and the curse) of booze is that its readily available so it's always there if and when you need it.

However, like any other addiction you need to learn to hate it before you can beat it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I do agree with posters above, like food addiction I can’t go to the store and get my oxy. As stated above Alcohol is one of the only drugs you can physically die off of by abrupt cessation. I think it’s important none the less that you talk to your wife and let her know your struggles. She took the vow till death due yall part. That means EVERYTHING

 

[Hilkert]

I do agree with posters above, like food addiction I can’t go to the store and get my oxy. As stated above Alcohol is one of the only drugs you can physically die off of by abrupt cessation. I think it’s important none the less that you talk to your wife and let her know your struggles. She took the vow till death due yall part. That means EVERYTHING

I know you are right. My wife would be supportive. I'm just scared to have that conversation and dissapoint her again. As I have done that so many times with my past addictions. She is the reason I wanted to quit pain pills though so I know it's necessary. I truly thank you all for the responses so far.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You have to let that fear go man, it will be a tough one for sure... and a lot of feelings are going to rise to the surface MOMENTARILY. But she has supported you through it before, and perhaps honesty will show her that you are sick of it. This drug, as with most drugs will put you in a grave. So she will know it wasn’t just a few beers everyday. So regardless if you tell her now. Or she finds out your addiction was bad by your death. She will find out. Do this for your kids, for yourself and for her. Your conscious like my own is telling you to stop while you can. And given your humbleness in your responses, I can tell you have an amazing heart and you deserve to be free from this vice. Also alcohol will eventually potentiate your anxiety as you may be seeing now instead of helping it.

I know you are right. My wife would be supportive. I'm just scared to have that conversation and dissapoint her again. As I have done that so many times with my past addictions. She is the reason I wanted to quit pain pills though so I know it's necessary. I truly thank you all for the responses so far.

 

[tired of crap]

Hey Hilkert
Alcohol was my drug of choice too. Work was also no deterrent for me and often times, at my worst, Id have between 375-750 ml of 40% before heading in. Until one day all shit faced I was joking around with my forklift driver and he thought I was having a stroke as I just kept repeating "weld" until he left ... I was stoned too and thought it was funny because the work was so damn repetitive and mindless (which I used to justify my drinking - any idiot can do this so why not be drunk). Anyways he got the H/S guy and I chose not to say anything for fear of incriminating myself .. so they sent me to the hospital.

Once I sobered up I came to the realization there was no choice but to play the alcohol is a disability card. So I told my ride, a cowrker, I was just wasted and we went back to work where I confessed to my boss that Id been coming in to work this way for years: "How could you not notice?"

It took a number of years since reaching that peak (lol...) before I finally quit but it was around that time I switched only to beer/cider. And slowly I began tapering. Eventually I quit for a number of months. But life got whacky and I started drinking here and there. But eventually I was almost where I was when I quit liqour y only with wine and a bunch of beer.

But my caloric intake resembled yours and I was slipping... mentally and physically. And I was tired of living like that.
....so I reintroduced psychedelics/disassociatives (something which I wouldnt recommend, especially given your medication) and started smoking pot regularly again. The psyches/dissos provided me some insight into my habits and relief from my depression. Smoking weed helped my need to constantly be fucked up.... to me this was harm reduction lol and over the next 6 months I tried to taper but always ending up going over my limit .. so I limited the number of days per week Id drink.. But I eventually set a quit date and held to it. Ive been alcohol free since just before Christmas 2018
....
tl;dr
I think the take home from my ramblings would be a couple things.
1) Id recommend a taper. Sudden cessation of alcohol can be server if not deadly... but it seems youre aware of that. If possible speak with a health care provider
2) Theres more than one way to get off substances and this is just my story. Some people do AA, some a therapist, some medication. Do what works for you. But having a support system is critical. I started a recovery journal here and just vented shit I couldnt to my supports irl ...
3) Dont be discouraged if you slip. Our addictions were a long time coming and to me it seems silly to assume we can stop them just like *that* ... Just keep your goal in mind and try not to berate yourself too much if you do slip.

Best of luck man and keep us posted, if you so choose.

 

[Hilkert]

I appreciate all your responses. Just an update. I honestly believe it was because of the comments I read here, I got the courage to tell my wife. She was extremely supportive. I am seeing our family doctor on Thursday and going from there. But it feels good to know she knows, and that I truly do want to quit, just need some help. Thanks again

 

[nuttynutskin]

Good to hear! It's good that you're going to the doctor because at your level of drinking I think you're going to need medical treatment of some sort.

 

[Hilkert]

I am!! Thank you everyone for your replies and I am happy to say I have 5 months and 7 days sober! My life has turned around so much. I did go see my family doctor, I was prescribed Naltroxene to help with the cravings. This helped a lot.

I took Naltroxene for about 3 weeks and at that point felt strong enough to stop the Naltroxene and do it without. At the time, I was also hooked on kratom. The Naltroxene kicked me into immediate percipated withdrawals and it was hell, but I knew that would mean they'd end sooner.

I got through it and have not looked back. My marriage, life, job, everything has gone so well for me since deciding to quit the booze.

Also, I am healthy and strong again. Using food as fuel, running, working out. The man that wrote this OP was a shell of the man I am today.

I really thank this forum as I believe it was everyone's words of encouragement on here that gave me the courage to tell my wife what my problems were.

5 months and 7 days booze free. Thank you all

 

[emkee_reinvented]

I appreciate all your responses. Just an update. I honestly believe it was because of the comments I read here, I got the courage to tell my wife. She was extremely supportive. I am seeing our family doctor on Thursday and going from there. But it feels good to know she knows, and that I truly do want to quit, just need some help. Thanks again

That' s good to hear about the exrtreme support your wife offered.

My situation was somewhat different. Less long was miy drinkink but at the end just as bad. Without job or car licence, so never broke any law.

My ex, with whom I have 2 kid's. Reported me to the cop's. Since then I haven's seen them. A bitch.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Yeah be careful if you cold turkey there's a well known certainty of death. I don't kid, taper off slowly.

 

[TheInvisibleStoner]

Nice. Your story sounds so much like mine. I never drank in the past. Wasn't until I got off an 8 year methadone stint is when my drinking began. And got out of control fast.

How did you get off the booze? Taper? That is what I am doing. Only down to a few beers a day on the good days. Bad days I may certainly wake up and crack a beer if I have any leftover from the day prior. So I am not cured at all. I need to stop them for at least a good 6 months. Luckily by stopping methadone again, I have it under control at least partially. Was up to almost a case at times on top of a methadone dose. Shitting water and puking each morning, eating no food for sometimes days, etc. Its literally all a blur.

But yeah, how did you get off? Please share. Thanks!