gravities
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2015
- Messages
- 5
First of all I want to start off by saying that while I consider this a positive for me and my life, I would NOT reccommend messing with this chemical molecule in any way shape or form, and even though it made me a stronger person I think, if I could go back in time I would've not taken it, if that makes sense. I'll go ahead and say the opposite, avoid this stuff at all costs unless you are literally on the brink of committing suicide or murder, which none of you ever should be, just saying that is really the only situation I could see this stuff being even moderately practical.
I still live at home because college is not appealing to me in any way. I'm starting a business and making EDM music because I love it and aspire to travel the world, I'm 20 right now and up until this year my parents have been happy to support me, I will be moving out very soon. I have a nice studio setup that keeps me here, and space to think and create and do crazy experiments like the one I will try to explain, it is only an experience in retrospect because this stuff zonks you out in the WORST way. When I was 18 I had the opportunity to take pure LSD, the best experience of my life. This lead me to a state many people would label, psychosis or maybe even schizophrenia, I don't agree with labels after experiencing enlightenment and spiritual ascension as I've experienced ego death on LSD multiple times and on DMT, psilocybin, THC even. I realize the human is much more than the physical presence, and that you can change with neuroplasticity and in the spirit nearly on demand once you gain full control over this powerful machine we call the brain.
I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the planet, movies and everything, and I fell in love. Simply something that I could not control, one of the few things. We became best friends with each other and we were the only people each other talked to, having great success with women in the past, relationships coming almost too easy to me, I was very confident I had finally found "the one" and that things would progress into the relationship I wanted, we kicked it off very well and got along brilliantly, I really found her fascinating and interesting in many ways. We talked and hung out nearly every day for 7 months and I developed some of the strongest feelings and emotions I have ever felt in my life for her over this span of time, unfortunately I was not the most effective communicator of these emotions and I believe it led me to being misunderstood or misinterpreted by her, she just wasn't feeling the same and I knew it. Realizing the feeling was not mutual in any way really messed me up as I felt there was a cruel disconnection between my mind and reality for really the first time I felt, before that all of my emotions translated into my reality. This time my emotions crippled me, I was in a spout of true depression for the first time EVER. My mother began to get skeptical of my business and music plans as well as my dad and this caused disparage in their relationship, also I must mention my sister went through a divorce after having her son, my nephew, and this caused incredible stress in the family. All of this factored in, my mom trying to help, she makes an appointment with a psychiatrist which she proceeds to force me to go as I plead to her that I didn't need help and that I'd be fine because I always am, sure I had bad emotions but they would pass and make me a stronger person if I couldn't encapsulate the one I loved so greatly. I eventually ended up going because I felt so low after basically being rejected for the first time ever, and by the person I fell head over heels for, the most powerful feelings I've ever felt. I thought it would be therapy if anything and possibly helpful, well this was not the case. Right away this psychiatrist slaps labels on me such as bipolar and depression and no matter I would say to justify it she kept pushing them on me and describing treatment options, although I knew I didn't need the medicine persay, I went back for a few more appointments in hopes to receive a Xanax or adderall prescription, as I had never before had access to these popular street drugs, I had good experiences on adderrall previously and self diagnose myself with ADHD which I've actually grown to enjoy, spacing out and enjoying my minds creativity instead of school and church, morons, etc. Well she did reccomend the adderall which excited me but then she slapped more labels on me and said you cannot take a stimulant without a "mood stabilizer" also I had mentioned I smoke weed and haven't had access to it so I was having trouble with sleep. She wrote me prescriptions for 100mg Seroquel and 30mg adderall, she didn't bother explaining ANYTHING about seroquel and really made it seem as if it was the safest most harmless drug in all of existence, also adding that if I googled it I would find some false information. All of these things factored in, the original presentation of the drug to me, if you could even call it that, my mothers recommendation to go to this place, the only reason I was there, and picking it up at my local pharmacy so casually, it caused me to under estimate the drug. I figured it would be like a stronger version of NyQuil. All of this caused me to not even google it before taking it, my biggest mistake, I google everything.
Going through the weed withdrawal was giving me some severe insomnia and the pressures of life to make my parents happy by conforming to society rather than chasing and fulfilling my immediate dream, joined with the fact I just got harshly rejected by the love of my life, a true Goddess I can never forget, I definitely was not feeling I had everything under control. So I took my first 50mg seroquel and it knocked me the fuck out, incredible sleep, some of the best of my life, took me a while to get out of bed it put my down so hard. The next day all the negative emotion I had felt before was severely reduced and I felt I could go about my day in a very casual manner, I felt confident and goal oriented although pretty drowsy and not nearly as mindful or thoughtful as I normally was before. My appetite was amazing too food tasted incredible and I couldn't stop eating, before this I was fasting partially due to the meditative value and partially because I was a chronic weed smoker and didn't have access to some at the time so it lead me to stop eating as much as I should've. So all in all, the first day on seroquel was ACTUALLY pretty damn good for me. The next night however, I took the 50mg and it literally bounced off me. I layed in bed feeling numb and empty, hated it. Eventually fell asleep and woke up feeling drowsy yet again, sleep wasn't as good. Went about my day and sort of realized this stuff wasn't good medicine like LSD, THC, DMT, Psilocybin, the illegal stuff. Almost in disbelief they give this stuff out at CVS, the local pharmacy to anyone and everyone who complains of sleep or depression even if completely temporary or situational, I decided to increase my dose up to the 100mg because I thought it would help me sleep and also that's the dose I was supposively headed towards on my psychiatrist and pharmacist instructions. This is where it felt like a light bulb in my head got shout out. People say it doesn't reach antipsychotic territory until 200mg but what they fail to understand and explain is that it's when 200mg is in your blood stream, exactly how much I had after taking the 100. I felt the D2 antagonism and 5-ht2a (my favorite receptors, I'm sure I'm not alone) right away and if those weren't responsible for emotion in the first place, I would've been more upset than ever before in my life. I had basically centered and found a lot of my life's most meaningful experiences through repeated agonism of these same receptors, what I would call enlightenment and bliss. Having them antagonized produced a horrible effect within me, neurochemically, and physically due to the antihistamine and nervous system effects this drug produces. After feeling the blockade of my favorite and most important two receptors, it was obvious I would never take the drug again, even though I could barely think. I didn't think it would sedate me from the mind outward like this, I figured it would relax me like the first night, no this was full out zombification and literally an off button to the brain. I live to think and feel so while I could barely feel emotion, in spirit I was more scared then I've ever been. Even tripping heroic doses of acid and shrooms sometimes you feel like you'll never come back or get to baseline some say, I always got through those experiences no problem, this was something else. This felt permanent and that made me even more dull and lifeless, hopeless, than the drug chemically rendered me due to its nasty antagonism of the two most important and profound receptors for human life. It's a blurr and a struggle to even think back to this state because it was not much of a state, it was utter emptiness, devoid of any emotion or meaning. I continued through life and almost felt like my body was shutting down a couple days after the withdrawal started, I didn't care about cold turkey withdrawal effects there was no way anyone could justify putting MORE of this "poison" into my blood stream in attempt to wean off it, no thanks, I had enough. I felt retarded for a few days lol my cognitive function was completely disabled, I thought I might always be like that so I walked around like a zombie for 2 weeks clinging to the most basic lifestyle that of a fucking toddler or baby who cries to suck it's moms tits. Nothing meant anything, I didn't feel anything, and if I could've felt any feelings I would've felt like I just ruined my entire life, internally this is what I pieced together had happened at the time, and it shocked me how something could be so powerful and mind altering and to not even receive a warning of its effects from my mom, the psychiatrist, or the pharmacist, all people I will never trust again (well maybe my mom lolz).
After finally googling it and seeing all the horror stories and science behind antipsychotics and specifically quetiapine and it's D2 receptor blockade, I invited my sister over to smoke and give me company, for the first time in my life I felt alone and empty. Smoking literally did nothing, no placebo, no nothing. I felt the CBD I suppose but imagine puffing on the dankest strain available to man and having it bounce off you like it's literally nothing, it was scary and I just had to go along with it as her and her friend were blasted out their minds and felt incredible and assumed I felt the same. I was empty and devoid of any thought feeling or emotion, it's like being stuck completely in the physical with no way out, scariest experience of my life. A week later I had barely gotten any better despite my efforts, I could feel my brain chemistry was out of whack and needed a lot of time to readjust, but I was happy the physical effects and withdrawal had almost completely gone away, it was progress. Anyways still feeling somewhat like a zombie, I got in the car and headed over to pick up 10g of dank to see if it would have any effect on me yet, it slightly did. On the way back home, being the retarded emotionless dazed zombie the drug makes you, I didn't turn my head lights on. Got pulled over, and let's just say I ended up getting slapped with both charges of possession and the tampering felony in Texas, LOL. Upon arrest the cop informs me I'm a mile away from a county where cannabis is practically legal and results in you having to attend a simple a drug awareness course. I knew how stupid what I just did was but I always knew it was 100% because of the medicine, I had no cognition just instinct, which was don't go to jail over a plant, I was scared although emotionless, the whole thing felt surreal. Thankfully this is my first major offense and I have friends who have been caught up for much worse, it's different everywhere but around here it ends up being the fines my parents had to pay (and that I will be paying back) for bail and lawyer and other court fees, probation if I even get it. It's likely the case will get dismissed and expunged if I'm even convicted because of my clean record and my lawyers ties with the judge and court, being a former prosecutor, the system is rigged and set up for profit, they will continue to milk out money from young people before it reaches legalization, at which point they will regulate and tax it, a natural and beneficial plant. I spent a night and a day in the county jail before getting bailed, I pretty much just layed in bed feeling like a seroquel zombie, I was pretty indifferent to the whole thing where as before I would've been freaking out or pissed off it happened but it would've never happened if I wasn't on this zombie medicine so it makes sense how it did. After getting out I was very happy with my daily life even as a zombie, and I could feel the zombification lifting a very slight percentage everyday thanks to exercise and a healthy diet.
A few days after getting out, I went up to see my best friend who is studying in college, we found 110ug of pure LSD25 and it was like a pretty decent on switch to the emotions that had been shut off, we wanted to get more but we were both broke, but it was a great experience and a huge sign I could recover and get back to the way I was before the quetiapine and even way better with this new insight and crazy experience of being legally drugged quite literally out of my mind. It was an experience of being alive again after having my emotions and feelings chemically stripped away from me.,Some time passed and I felt stuck in a pretty lethargic and emotionless mindset still, but I kept powering forward trying to stay positive which at times I failed at doing, I felt like I may have sustained permanent damage even from such short term usage, and considering I never needed the med for anything other than sleep I started to believe this reality as true and started to sulk and try and cope with how much of a mistake it was to take such a poison without researching it. It's government mind and population control if you ask me, I know it helps some people but for a regular person this stuff is the definition of overkill. I heard someone say it's like peeling an orange with a sledge hammer and I think that's a decent way to put it lol, sure you won't be depressed but you also won't be anything, you'll be dead on the inside, to the point where you may pose an even greater risk to yourself or society, you may ruin relationships with your family as they will not be able to comprehend what you are going though as you hopelessly try to explain your incomprehensible and unjustified emptiness devoid of meaning and emotion, because you are not going though anything, your soul and all humanity has been taken with chemical force at the moment and you're a lifeless shell hopelessly wandering in the physical plain looking for a way out with no possible way of achieving this, oh also it causes sexual dysfunction too, so you couldn't even masturbate if you could think to do it, and if you could your orgasm would be shit. You can eat, work, and exercise that is about it, movies and music are flat and meaningless as is everything else along w human interaction and driving I almost fell asleep and killed myself on the highway even though I am the most excellent driver I know, this was weeks after initial dose and discontinuation. Eventually I was lucky enough to meet someone with Golden Teacher mushrooms, I was so excited and having done shrooms twice before I knew the agonist effect on seratonin (and dopamine? Or is that just lsd that partially agonizes both?) would be completely essential in getting my state of mind back to where I wanted it, also mushrooms are shown to grow brain tissue and increase connectivity on a very physical and measurable level, fucking Feds are lying scum that are yet to be called out to an appropriate extreme, they hold back humanity and it's potential with this propaganda and law system.
I had 7 grams, I had 9 before so I felt comfortable. It was late at night and I was tired but this was the only time I had the house to myself so I got in the bath tub and blasted some of my favorite music on my studio monitors, it was a great experience and really brought me back to life and myself, my roots, in a natural and profound way, although I knew emotionally I was still disabled to a great extent, this was a giant step forward and gave me hope, I slept well after popping a 5mg melatonin and felt a huge amount of libido and orgasmic pleasure instantly resorted, after glow lasted for several days. Simple touch and smell and other sensory details felt good and right again. This momentum carried me through a few more recovery and withdrawal days (a month after intital dose, crazy to me how addictive and harmful this stuff is I never would've taken it if I knew better, can't imagine people coming off higher doses for longer periods of time, I feel for you) and eventually hit another wall where I felt like I lost myself to the evil quetiapine and started verbally assaulting my parents in a way I would've NEVER been able to do without the influence of this chemical. It almost turned us against each other to the point where they almost kicked me out of the house, now we are in good standings again.
Slight improvement kept me going, music sounded good again, for being sober. Memories began to surface again, and some emotions started coming back although very weak and not meaningful like the ones experienced on or after an LSD trip, powerfuly profound. Then came the point where I was able to get 7g more of mushrooms. I was stoked and thankful after the last experience, my new friend has really been coming through big for me, don't know how this recovery would be going without his assistance in hooking me up with the good natural medicines. This time I went to a state park, had the shrooms by a big tree and a lake, put on my favorite psydub, and vaped CBD oil I had just received in the mail right before leaving. It all happened very fast, the shrooms and music and nature began to speak to me in a very powerful and meaning way, not exactly like the way before the quetiapine ingestion, but absolutely a huge leap closer. I was really enjoying the trip and I started feeling emotions that I almost forgot existed, ones I live for. Where every second is beautiful and full of meaning and emotion, again not the extent of emotion I used to experience but at this rate and direction it was headed back to where I wanted to be which I'd all I wanted to experience at the time, progress and healing. I started having awesome visuals to the clouds and trees around me, felt connected to nature and the music and most importantly myself and felt very happy like for the first time since taking the quetiapine, I was way closer to where I needed to be, great messages about life and existence and nature and the evil nature of much of humanity were whispered into my consciousness from the beautiful amazing mushrooms. How could humans at times ruin such a beautiful gift from nature, life, with evil chemicals such as SSRIs and Antipsychotics? Again I know they help people but chemically they are a disaster for the human brain there's just no debating this anymore or hiding from the truth of the matter. It was living life again almost like the way I wanted it! I could feel the psilocybin battling with lingering effects of quetiapines blockade on my receptor sites, as I was leaving the park, I started shaking and having a sort of spasm, I believe this was the psilocybin battling and eventually conquering some of the receptor sites that the quetiapine (a competitive pseudo-irreversible antagonist on D2, 5-ht2a, alpha 1 and h1 (along with the other sites it actually agonizes that I have not looked into)) correct me if I am wrong about the competitive antagonist part, but from my experience that is precisely how it felt, that the two molecules, good and evil, were battling out. Once I made it out of the park after shaking and feeling sort of like a lunatic, twitching and shaking and feeling like there was major internal chemical neurological warfare within my mind and body, the 7g began to take its full effect, although way weaker thanks to the evil quetiapine molecule and its antagonizing effects on these incredible receptor sites, the psilocybin eventually won them over and I experienced my trip, driving felt amazing, everything felt right, EDM music was blowing my mind almost the way it used to and all in all it gave my full belief I can and will actually fully recover from this wicked molecule and its effects, the first time I fully believed this unfortunately (about 40 days after initial dosing). I felt the urgency of life and the fleeting aspect of it, how we are growing and dying at the same time, I felt like I really had to get home and see my parents and eat and let them know I was happy to be alive again, because since the quetiapine it was QUITE (get it? It's like quit and pineal combined which should tell you it's an evil drug made and pushed by evil controlling people who don't want you to be happy nor live up to your true inner potential) the opposite. I felt so much more like myself I layed on my floor and just thought about how crazy life is and how much chemicals alter our states of consciousness, also how I felt like one of the only few people who would take an antipsychotic unknowingly not for recreational purposes, but for the experience, which is exactly what it gave me, one crazy HELL of an experience that I still need a little time to recover from and fully grasp.
Music regained its taste for me that night, one of the biggest and most frustrating losses for me after the quetiapine. I ate some good dinner, gave off some good vibes to my parents, and passed out. The next day I felt a bit dull again, but I ran a 10k (6 miles) got first place and felt like my dopamine receptors were repairing themselves, as for serotonin I think they are find but very traumatized and under stimulated from all of this, which is where LSD will come in yet again and play a colossal role in my life and happiness. We all produce seratonin wether small amounts or large, and it's really where most of the good feelings of life come from as you Bluelighters know very well, some of us can produce enough naturally in our daily lives to be full and in completele balance, others like myself prefer to take it in molecular form for immediate chemical synthesis, it's literally a mind fuck when that molecule fits right into your 5-ht2a receptor and partially agonizes the dopamine, it's one of the most beautiful if not the most beautiful profound and meaningful experiences to be had on the planet when you are ready for it and spiritually and mentally prepared and adjusted, accompanied with how it works and what is actually happening, I don't like the term trip I must prefer bliss and enlightenment. It's like all of the good things in life are brought to you in chemical molecular form, it's brilliant, I wish I could shake air Hoffmans hand as he has profoundly impacted my life as well as many others. All that being said, my same friend who has access to shrooms has lsd on the way from dark web. Also I have the legal analogue 1p lsd sold "not for human consumption" on the way for my own "laboratory" research and experimentation.
I believe once I re-agonize the serotonin and dopamine systems I will be where I was before the quetiapine if not way ahead, but I will be sure to post an update if anyone would like to hear how it goes. It is a crazy experience to have an agonist fight the antagonist for your most important receptor sites, it is the closest thing to good and evil battling it out I've ever experienced, and let me tell you the good kicks evils ass right back to "hell".
I'm feeling pretty decent today all things considered, but still have things to regain from the time and mindspace quetiapine robbed me of, definitely some repairing physically and mentally. Anyways, I'd stay away from this stuff at all costs unless you want to experience nothingness, it's only an experience when you emerge on the other side, if you don't die, and realize what truly happened chemically and physically. Good luck to anyone on this stuff or withdrawing, you need it, and to anyone consider taking it for the first time please don't, and to anyone whose on it just find a way to get off, it's not human. Thanks for this awesome website of people who objectively and chemically view the experiences and effects various molecules cause, without this site it is mainly people posting like chickens with their heads cut off, they speak in lamens terms while you guys break it down to a neurochemical level and much further, with mechanisms of action and chemical/molecular interactions of the drugs in action. Thanks to anyone that has read this, I hope it helps or at least sparks some interest or entertainment, I hope to see some responses and I will definitely post an update if requested. Cheers and stay aware and safe out there! Namaste.
~first time poster, Gravities (future bluelighter)
I still live at home because college is not appealing to me in any way. I'm starting a business and making EDM music because I love it and aspire to travel the world, I'm 20 right now and up until this year my parents have been happy to support me, I will be moving out very soon. I have a nice studio setup that keeps me here, and space to think and create and do crazy experiments like the one I will try to explain, it is only an experience in retrospect because this stuff zonks you out in the WORST way. When I was 18 I had the opportunity to take pure LSD, the best experience of my life. This lead me to a state many people would label, psychosis or maybe even schizophrenia, I don't agree with labels after experiencing enlightenment and spiritual ascension as I've experienced ego death on LSD multiple times and on DMT, psilocybin, THC even. I realize the human is much more than the physical presence, and that you can change with neuroplasticity and in the spirit nearly on demand once you gain full control over this powerful machine we call the brain.
I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the planet, movies and everything, and I fell in love. Simply something that I could not control, one of the few things. We became best friends with each other and we were the only people each other talked to, having great success with women in the past, relationships coming almost too easy to me, I was very confident I had finally found "the one" and that things would progress into the relationship I wanted, we kicked it off very well and got along brilliantly, I really found her fascinating and interesting in many ways. We talked and hung out nearly every day for 7 months and I developed some of the strongest feelings and emotions I have ever felt in my life for her over this span of time, unfortunately I was not the most effective communicator of these emotions and I believe it led me to being misunderstood or misinterpreted by her, she just wasn't feeling the same and I knew it. Realizing the feeling was not mutual in any way really messed me up as I felt there was a cruel disconnection between my mind and reality for really the first time I felt, before that all of my emotions translated into my reality. This time my emotions crippled me, I was in a spout of true depression for the first time EVER. My mother began to get skeptical of my business and music plans as well as my dad and this caused disparage in their relationship, also I must mention my sister went through a divorce after having her son, my nephew, and this caused incredible stress in the family. All of this factored in, my mom trying to help, she makes an appointment with a psychiatrist which she proceeds to force me to go as I plead to her that I didn't need help and that I'd be fine because I always am, sure I had bad emotions but they would pass and make me a stronger person if I couldn't encapsulate the one I loved so greatly. I eventually ended up going because I felt so low after basically being rejected for the first time ever, and by the person I fell head over heels for, the most powerful feelings I've ever felt. I thought it would be therapy if anything and possibly helpful, well this was not the case. Right away this psychiatrist slaps labels on me such as bipolar and depression and no matter I would say to justify it she kept pushing them on me and describing treatment options, although I knew I didn't need the medicine persay, I went back for a few more appointments in hopes to receive a Xanax or adderall prescription, as I had never before had access to these popular street drugs, I had good experiences on adderrall previously and self diagnose myself with ADHD which I've actually grown to enjoy, spacing out and enjoying my minds creativity instead of school and church, morons, etc. Well she did reccomend the adderall which excited me but then she slapped more labels on me and said you cannot take a stimulant without a "mood stabilizer" also I had mentioned I smoke weed and haven't had access to it so I was having trouble with sleep. She wrote me prescriptions for 100mg Seroquel and 30mg adderall, she didn't bother explaining ANYTHING about seroquel and really made it seem as if it was the safest most harmless drug in all of existence, also adding that if I googled it I would find some false information. All of these things factored in, the original presentation of the drug to me, if you could even call it that, my mothers recommendation to go to this place, the only reason I was there, and picking it up at my local pharmacy so casually, it caused me to under estimate the drug. I figured it would be like a stronger version of NyQuil. All of this caused me to not even google it before taking it, my biggest mistake, I google everything.
Going through the weed withdrawal was giving me some severe insomnia and the pressures of life to make my parents happy by conforming to society rather than chasing and fulfilling my immediate dream, joined with the fact I just got harshly rejected by the love of my life, a true Goddess I can never forget, I definitely was not feeling I had everything under control. So I took my first 50mg seroquel and it knocked me the fuck out, incredible sleep, some of the best of my life, took me a while to get out of bed it put my down so hard. The next day all the negative emotion I had felt before was severely reduced and I felt I could go about my day in a very casual manner, I felt confident and goal oriented although pretty drowsy and not nearly as mindful or thoughtful as I normally was before. My appetite was amazing too food tasted incredible and I couldn't stop eating, before this I was fasting partially due to the meditative value and partially because I was a chronic weed smoker and didn't have access to some at the time so it lead me to stop eating as much as I should've. So all in all, the first day on seroquel was ACTUALLY pretty damn good for me. The next night however, I took the 50mg and it literally bounced off me. I layed in bed feeling numb and empty, hated it. Eventually fell asleep and woke up feeling drowsy yet again, sleep wasn't as good. Went about my day and sort of realized this stuff wasn't good medicine like LSD, THC, DMT, Psilocybin, the illegal stuff. Almost in disbelief they give this stuff out at CVS, the local pharmacy to anyone and everyone who complains of sleep or depression even if completely temporary or situational, I decided to increase my dose up to the 100mg because I thought it would help me sleep and also that's the dose I was supposively headed towards on my psychiatrist and pharmacist instructions. This is where it felt like a light bulb in my head got shout out. People say it doesn't reach antipsychotic territory until 200mg but what they fail to understand and explain is that it's when 200mg is in your blood stream, exactly how much I had after taking the 100. I felt the D2 antagonism and 5-ht2a (my favorite receptors, I'm sure I'm not alone) right away and if those weren't responsible for emotion in the first place, I would've been more upset than ever before in my life. I had basically centered and found a lot of my life's most meaningful experiences through repeated agonism of these same receptors, what I would call enlightenment and bliss. Having them antagonized produced a horrible effect within me, neurochemically, and physically due to the antihistamine and nervous system effects this drug produces. After feeling the blockade of my favorite and most important two receptors, it was obvious I would never take the drug again, even though I could barely think. I didn't think it would sedate me from the mind outward like this, I figured it would relax me like the first night, no this was full out zombification and literally an off button to the brain. I live to think and feel so while I could barely feel emotion, in spirit I was more scared then I've ever been. Even tripping heroic doses of acid and shrooms sometimes you feel like you'll never come back or get to baseline some say, I always got through those experiences no problem, this was something else. This felt permanent and that made me even more dull and lifeless, hopeless, than the drug chemically rendered me due to its nasty antagonism of the two most important and profound receptors for human life. It's a blurr and a struggle to even think back to this state because it was not much of a state, it was utter emptiness, devoid of any emotion or meaning. I continued through life and almost felt like my body was shutting down a couple days after the withdrawal started, I didn't care about cold turkey withdrawal effects there was no way anyone could justify putting MORE of this "poison" into my blood stream in attempt to wean off it, no thanks, I had enough. I felt retarded for a few days lol my cognitive function was completely disabled, I thought I might always be like that so I walked around like a zombie for 2 weeks clinging to the most basic lifestyle that of a fucking toddler or baby who cries to suck it's moms tits. Nothing meant anything, I didn't feel anything, and if I could've felt any feelings I would've felt like I just ruined my entire life, internally this is what I pieced together had happened at the time, and it shocked me how something could be so powerful and mind altering and to not even receive a warning of its effects from my mom, the psychiatrist, or the pharmacist, all people I will never trust again (well maybe my mom lolz).
After finally googling it and seeing all the horror stories and science behind antipsychotics and specifically quetiapine and it's D2 receptor blockade, I invited my sister over to smoke and give me company, for the first time in my life I felt alone and empty. Smoking literally did nothing, no placebo, no nothing. I felt the CBD I suppose but imagine puffing on the dankest strain available to man and having it bounce off you like it's literally nothing, it was scary and I just had to go along with it as her and her friend were blasted out their minds and felt incredible and assumed I felt the same. I was empty and devoid of any thought feeling or emotion, it's like being stuck completely in the physical with no way out, scariest experience of my life. A week later I had barely gotten any better despite my efforts, I could feel my brain chemistry was out of whack and needed a lot of time to readjust, but I was happy the physical effects and withdrawal had almost completely gone away, it was progress. Anyways still feeling somewhat like a zombie, I got in the car and headed over to pick up 10g of dank to see if it would have any effect on me yet, it slightly did. On the way back home, being the retarded emotionless dazed zombie the drug makes you, I didn't turn my head lights on. Got pulled over, and let's just say I ended up getting slapped with both charges of possession and the tampering felony in Texas, LOL. Upon arrest the cop informs me I'm a mile away from a county where cannabis is practically legal and results in you having to attend a simple a drug awareness course. I knew how stupid what I just did was but I always knew it was 100% because of the medicine, I had no cognition just instinct, which was don't go to jail over a plant, I was scared although emotionless, the whole thing felt surreal. Thankfully this is my first major offense and I have friends who have been caught up for much worse, it's different everywhere but around here it ends up being the fines my parents had to pay (and that I will be paying back) for bail and lawyer and other court fees, probation if I even get it. It's likely the case will get dismissed and expunged if I'm even convicted because of my clean record and my lawyers ties with the judge and court, being a former prosecutor, the system is rigged and set up for profit, they will continue to milk out money from young people before it reaches legalization, at which point they will regulate and tax it, a natural and beneficial plant. I spent a night and a day in the county jail before getting bailed, I pretty much just layed in bed feeling like a seroquel zombie, I was pretty indifferent to the whole thing where as before I would've been freaking out or pissed off it happened but it would've never happened if I wasn't on this zombie medicine so it makes sense how it did. After getting out I was very happy with my daily life even as a zombie, and I could feel the zombification lifting a very slight percentage everyday thanks to exercise and a healthy diet.
A few days after getting out, I went up to see my best friend who is studying in college, we found 110ug of pure LSD25 and it was like a pretty decent on switch to the emotions that had been shut off, we wanted to get more but we were both broke, but it was a great experience and a huge sign I could recover and get back to the way I was before the quetiapine and even way better with this new insight and crazy experience of being legally drugged quite literally out of my mind. It was an experience of being alive again after having my emotions and feelings chemically stripped away from me.,Some time passed and I felt stuck in a pretty lethargic and emotionless mindset still, but I kept powering forward trying to stay positive which at times I failed at doing, I felt like I may have sustained permanent damage even from such short term usage, and considering I never needed the med for anything other than sleep I started to believe this reality as true and started to sulk and try and cope with how much of a mistake it was to take such a poison without researching it. It's government mind and population control if you ask me, I know it helps some people but for a regular person this stuff is the definition of overkill. I heard someone say it's like peeling an orange with a sledge hammer and I think that's a decent way to put it lol, sure you won't be depressed but you also won't be anything, you'll be dead on the inside, to the point where you may pose an even greater risk to yourself or society, you may ruin relationships with your family as they will not be able to comprehend what you are going though as you hopelessly try to explain your incomprehensible and unjustified emptiness devoid of meaning and emotion, because you are not going though anything, your soul and all humanity has been taken with chemical force at the moment and you're a lifeless shell hopelessly wandering in the physical plain looking for a way out with no possible way of achieving this, oh also it causes sexual dysfunction too, so you couldn't even masturbate if you could think to do it, and if you could your orgasm would be shit. You can eat, work, and exercise that is about it, movies and music are flat and meaningless as is everything else along w human interaction and driving I almost fell asleep and killed myself on the highway even though I am the most excellent driver I know, this was weeks after initial dose and discontinuation. Eventually I was lucky enough to meet someone with Golden Teacher mushrooms, I was so excited and having done shrooms twice before I knew the agonist effect on seratonin (and dopamine? Or is that just lsd that partially agonizes both?) would be completely essential in getting my state of mind back to where I wanted it, also mushrooms are shown to grow brain tissue and increase connectivity on a very physical and measurable level, fucking Feds are lying scum that are yet to be called out to an appropriate extreme, they hold back humanity and it's potential with this propaganda and law system.
I had 7 grams, I had 9 before so I felt comfortable. It was late at night and I was tired but this was the only time I had the house to myself so I got in the bath tub and blasted some of my favorite music on my studio monitors, it was a great experience and really brought me back to life and myself, my roots, in a natural and profound way, although I knew emotionally I was still disabled to a great extent, this was a giant step forward and gave me hope, I slept well after popping a 5mg melatonin and felt a huge amount of libido and orgasmic pleasure instantly resorted, after glow lasted for several days. Simple touch and smell and other sensory details felt good and right again. This momentum carried me through a few more recovery and withdrawal days (a month after intital dose, crazy to me how addictive and harmful this stuff is I never would've taken it if I knew better, can't imagine people coming off higher doses for longer periods of time, I feel for you) and eventually hit another wall where I felt like I lost myself to the evil quetiapine and started verbally assaulting my parents in a way I would've NEVER been able to do without the influence of this chemical. It almost turned us against each other to the point where they almost kicked me out of the house, now we are in good standings again.
Slight improvement kept me going, music sounded good again, for being sober. Memories began to surface again, and some emotions started coming back although very weak and not meaningful like the ones experienced on or after an LSD trip, powerfuly profound. Then came the point where I was able to get 7g more of mushrooms. I was stoked and thankful after the last experience, my new friend has really been coming through big for me, don't know how this recovery would be going without his assistance in hooking me up with the good natural medicines. This time I went to a state park, had the shrooms by a big tree and a lake, put on my favorite psydub, and vaped CBD oil I had just received in the mail right before leaving. It all happened very fast, the shrooms and music and nature began to speak to me in a very powerful and meaning way, not exactly like the way before the quetiapine ingestion, but absolutely a huge leap closer. I was really enjoying the trip and I started feeling emotions that I almost forgot existed, ones I live for. Where every second is beautiful and full of meaning and emotion, again not the extent of emotion I used to experience but at this rate and direction it was headed back to where I wanted to be which I'd all I wanted to experience at the time, progress and healing. I started having awesome visuals to the clouds and trees around me, felt connected to nature and the music and most importantly myself and felt very happy like for the first time since taking the quetiapine, I was way closer to where I needed to be, great messages about life and existence and nature and the evil nature of much of humanity were whispered into my consciousness from the beautiful amazing mushrooms. How could humans at times ruin such a beautiful gift from nature, life, with evil chemicals such as SSRIs and Antipsychotics? Again I know they help people but chemically they are a disaster for the human brain there's just no debating this anymore or hiding from the truth of the matter. It was living life again almost like the way I wanted it! I could feel the psilocybin battling with lingering effects of quetiapines blockade on my receptor sites, as I was leaving the park, I started shaking and having a sort of spasm, I believe this was the psilocybin battling and eventually conquering some of the receptor sites that the quetiapine (a competitive pseudo-irreversible antagonist on D2, 5-ht2a, alpha 1 and h1 (along with the other sites it actually agonizes that I have not looked into)) correct me if I am wrong about the competitive antagonist part, but from my experience that is precisely how it felt, that the two molecules, good and evil, were battling out. Once I made it out of the park after shaking and feeling sort of like a lunatic, twitching and shaking and feeling like there was major internal chemical neurological warfare within my mind and body, the 7g began to take its full effect, although way weaker thanks to the evil quetiapine molecule and its antagonizing effects on these incredible receptor sites, the psilocybin eventually won them over and I experienced my trip, driving felt amazing, everything felt right, EDM music was blowing my mind almost the way it used to and all in all it gave my full belief I can and will actually fully recover from this wicked molecule and its effects, the first time I fully believed this unfortunately (about 40 days after initial dosing). I felt the urgency of life and the fleeting aspect of it, how we are growing and dying at the same time, I felt like I really had to get home and see my parents and eat and let them know I was happy to be alive again, because since the quetiapine it was QUITE (get it? It's like quit and pineal combined which should tell you it's an evil drug made and pushed by evil controlling people who don't want you to be happy nor live up to your true inner potential) the opposite. I felt so much more like myself I layed on my floor and just thought about how crazy life is and how much chemicals alter our states of consciousness, also how I felt like one of the only few people who would take an antipsychotic unknowingly not for recreational purposes, but for the experience, which is exactly what it gave me, one crazy HELL of an experience that I still need a little time to recover from and fully grasp.
Music regained its taste for me that night, one of the biggest and most frustrating losses for me after the quetiapine. I ate some good dinner, gave off some good vibes to my parents, and passed out. The next day I felt a bit dull again, but I ran a 10k (6 miles) got first place and felt like my dopamine receptors were repairing themselves, as for serotonin I think they are find but very traumatized and under stimulated from all of this, which is where LSD will come in yet again and play a colossal role in my life and happiness. We all produce seratonin wether small amounts or large, and it's really where most of the good feelings of life come from as you Bluelighters know very well, some of us can produce enough naturally in our daily lives to be full and in completele balance, others like myself prefer to take it in molecular form for immediate chemical synthesis, it's literally a mind fuck when that molecule fits right into your 5-ht2a receptor and partially agonizes the dopamine, it's one of the most beautiful if not the most beautiful profound and meaningful experiences to be had on the planet when you are ready for it and spiritually and mentally prepared and adjusted, accompanied with how it works and what is actually happening, I don't like the term trip I must prefer bliss and enlightenment. It's like all of the good things in life are brought to you in chemical molecular form, it's brilliant, I wish I could shake air Hoffmans hand as he has profoundly impacted my life as well as many others. All that being said, my same friend who has access to shrooms has lsd on the way from dark web. Also I have the legal analogue 1p lsd sold "not for human consumption" on the way for my own "laboratory" research and experimentation.
I believe once I re-agonize the serotonin and dopamine systems I will be where I was before the quetiapine if not way ahead, but I will be sure to post an update if anyone would like to hear how it goes. It is a crazy experience to have an agonist fight the antagonist for your most important receptor sites, it is the closest thing to good and evil battling it out I've ever experienced, and let me tell you the good kicks evils ass right back to "hell".
I'm feeling pretty decent today all things considered, but still have things to regain from the time and mindspace quetiapine robbed me of, definitely some repairing physically and mentally. Anyways, I'd stay away from this stuff at all costs unless you want to experience nothingness, it's only an experience when you emerge on the other side, if you don't die, and realize what truly happened chemically and physically. Good luck to anyone on this stuff or withdrawing, you need it, and to anyone consider taking it for the first time please don't, and to anyone whose on it just find a way to get off, it's not human. Thanks for this awesome website of people who objectively and chemically view the experiences and effects various molecules cause, without this site it is mainly people posting like chickens with their heads cut off, they speak in lamens terms while you guys break it down to a neurochemical level and much further, with mechanisms of action and chemical/molecular interactions of the drugs in action. Thanks to anyone that has read this, I hope it helps or at least sparks some interest or entertainment, I hope to see some responses and I will definitely post an update if requested. Cheers and stay aware and safe out there! Namaste.
~first time poster, Gravities (future bluelighter)
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