Opioids Question on hydrocodone dosing

[Bloc91]

I posted here a few weeks ago about dealing with what I believe is an opiate wd anxiety and panic situation that is seemingly getting better, although a lot slower than I would like. I?ve also dealt with some randomly intensive insomnia and depression. My previous habit was extremely modest compared to what a lot of people on the forums have gone through and tbh, I don?t quite understand what?s going on.

I abstained from hydro use for about a year and after only 3 one and a half week binges, over a period of 3 months, I?m dealing with what seems like over sufficient psychological stress compared to my use.

Now, to an extent, I know what kind of reception this kind of question is going to receive (and rightfully so), but what I?m wondering is, if I were able to rain in my usage, would I still be able to get high every now and then, or would I just be starting this entire anxiety and panic process over again by dosing at all?

The reason I ask is, my band is finally going to start playing shows again and the hydrocodone really alleviates my stage fright and allows me to relax and have a good time. I understand that by dosing, I?m taking the chance of getting hooked enough to want to binge again, but I honestly feel as if I can keep my dosage to around 20mg or so and not use consecutive days (or even weeks), I might be ok. Is this a dumb enough idea to not even bother with? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

[tacodude]

You need to find something better to use for stage fright. Some use propranolol

 

[Bloc91]

I’m actually on propranolol. Doesn’t seem to be helping too much.

And of course, if I’m being truly honest, it’s about more than just the stage fright. I want to have a good time. Silly, I know.

 

[Scrofula]

Now, to an extent, I know what kind of reception this kind of question is going to receive (and rightfully so), but what I?m wondering is, if I were able to rain in my usage, would I still be able to get high every now and then, or would I just be starting this entire anxiety and panic process over again by dosing at all?

Everyone gets high on this board, we all like being high, and at least I don't consider it a moral issue. So we're not going to chew you out for that.

But your question is all about comedowns and addictions, "how much can i possibly eat and be sure nothing bad will ever happen."

[Some will paraphrase it as wanting something for nothing, and those people are moralizing it without realizing. There's no law of the universe that says you have to earn the right to feel good, or suffer in parity. Sure, there's that whole law about increasing entropy, but you aren't a closed system, right?]

No one here can tell you if your will-power will hold, or under what conditions, or how it'll change over time. Sometimes I can stick to substance dosing just fine until one random event (usually two) happens and I burn the whole thing down and make soap with its ashes.

The AA people like to sneer "my best thinking got me here." They sneer cause they're actually a tiny bit right for a change--overthinking your usage, setting plans, is usually a rationalization to use, a false assurance that you'll be OK cause you have an elaborate system in place, ISO 9001 certified and available to sell in the EU, until the very first real-world test and it collapses.

But I always sneered back, "how often does anyone, anywhere, quit/reduce a bad habit on the first try?"

Sometimes plans like yours do work. Only you can answer that though.

 

[tacodude]

If you want to have a good time there's better things to use as well... Herbal teas can have a profound effect. The risk of opioid dependency is not worth it.

 

[Bloc91]

Very thought provoking response, Scrofula. So much to consider.

I suppose it’s anyone’s guess whether or not I could stick to the plan, but my real fear is that merely dosing once will be enough to set me back in terms of my anxiety and panic attacks. I’m not even 100% certain of the effect my recent drug usage has had on either, but the correlation seems obvious. Though I’ve experienced similar issues in the past, it can’t simply be coincidence that they reared their ugly head a month or so after I began dabbling again. I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that I seemingly skipped any sort of physical dependency and am simply experiencing an immediate dive into PAWS. I’ve only ever become physically addicted to opiates once in my life and that was only after 10 consecutive days of use at the very end of an extended period of chipping. Paltry in comparison to what others on the board have done or dealt with.

 

[Scrofula]

OK fine, make me look up your other thread and actually read your questions, like I'm actually expected to do that or something. I should have known this was different because you admit things are getting better.

I'm pretty sure you're anxious about performing again and getting high, not suffering a weird, unique-to-you withdrawal syndrome. People lose their shit about going on stage even without throwing past drug issues in.

You should be familiar with self-doubt, insomnia, depression and anxiety, how they all feed on eachother. Now you can maybe add worry that you won't perform as well as you did when you were loaded. That was one of my top two reasons for "relapse," and for once I'm not referring to sex.

I'm still convinced that was more than just rationalization, but it was probably just rationalization that really had me convinced. Whatever, an objective observer would agree I wasn't about to go anywhere if I didn't get loaded; whether I had to be there in the first place is a different question.

But you have one real withdrawal to your name, not a thousand nights of waking up in a fresh drunk tank, thrown out of seedy bars after being too shitfaced to go on, or getting in nasty brawls at the craft fair stage. You didn't mention countless failed attempts before the prior year's abstinence, in which case you've already relapsed; if it was a relapse of a bad addiction you'd be too high to ever type.

This will sound like recommending it, but it's just to clear up: what would happen if you did lose control of a 20mg/performance use?

 

[Bloc91]

I guess worst case scenario, I use that day and have a great time. I play a great show, leading me to burn through my supply like I have the previous 3 months, and suffer debilitating anxiety the first week after I binge.

Thing is, I truly feel as if the idea and fear of avoiding that anxiety will prevent me from going down the rabbit hole for a week. Addiction’s Curse, I know. That part will remain to be seen.

I definitely have some fear and self doubt related to playing out for the first time in a couple years, but in my heart of hearts, I thrive in that environment. My fear really revolves around the idea of having a panic attack onstage. Not because I’m necessarily afraid to go onstage, but because I’m stuck in that ridiculous anxiety loop. The fear of fear. If using AT ALL runs the risk of making that feeling worse or setting me back to square one in terms of the progress I make each time, then that’s something I have to consider.