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Captain.Heroin

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I try to distance myself. Remain abstract. I don't exist. This isn't real. I put on something that is supposed to sound happy but just makes me feel worse. I never understood why what thrills and cheers so many people makes me feel worse. Nothing seems to work.

Pop music. Disney shit. Social experiences. The sun. The dark. Ketchup. [I'm afraid of a lot of things]

Even when I wake up and begin having a good day, the anxiety and stress and panic set off the thoughts. Ways to die. A list of them, the methods, the ingredients. Ideal locations so as to not traumatize the "living". We are not living and if we are, this won't last forever.

I think the reason video games feature dying and coming back to life as the same character so much is to get you used to the idea, subconsciously, of your own mortality. People cannot face it head on and accept it. They need an interface for it. Violence in video games. War art. Death in literature. We're all chipping away at an invisible iceberg, the submerged part in our subconscious, so that one day when it all melts into the liquid once again, as it always will, we will be prepared for it. We don't want to leave behind anything, we are trying to not exist.

I try to remind myself I go through this a lot. I get EMOTIONAL like a teenager. I'll probably be like this forever and it's senseless to drag it out if I can't grow the fuck up. Other people won't put up with me. I wouldn't either. There is no god, no infinite future, no reason worth living; in the mind of a heretic.

Malaise can have causes that aren't due to underlying disease. Examples include eating too much, drinking too much, inadequate sleep, feeling sad, missing normal exercise routine, or caffeine withdrawal.
Humans keep talking about the worthless objective of leaving this planet (pointless!); perhaps you could just invent a hat that is powered by sadness and hold onto my hand and we can go there together.

 

RDP89

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I often think about how pointless it all is. I try to have fun while I'm here and do good things and help people, etc., but what's the point in trudging on through hardship when no one is going to remember any of the history of the human race or the Earth given enough time?
 

Captain.Heroin

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This is your brain. This is your brain on meth.



This is a map. This is a map of your death. Physicists have figured it all out.

In addition to discovering hidden states and time steps, the scientists also discovered a tradeoff between the two; the more hidden states there are, the smaller the minimal number of hidden timesteps that are required. According to co-author Artemy Kolchinsky (Santa Fe Institute), “these results surprisingly demonstrate that Markov processes exhibit a kind of tradeoff between time versus memory, which is often encountered in the separate mathematical field of analyzing computer algorithms.

The minimal configuration for flipping a bit of information from 1 to 0 requires three states and three sequential time steps. (David Wolpert)

To illustrate the role of these hidden states, co-author Owen gives the example of a biomolecular process, observed at hour-long intervals: If you start with a protein in state ‘a,’ and over an hour it usually turns to state ‘b,’ and then after another hour it usually turns back to ‘a,’ there must be at least one other state ‘c’—a hidden state—that is influencing the protein’s dynamics. “It’s there in your biomolecular process,” he says. “If you haven’t seen it yet, you can go look for it.”

The authors stumbled on the necessity of hidden states and hidden timesteps while searching for the most energy-efficient way to flip a bit of information in a computer. In that investigation, part of a larger effort to understand the thermodynamics of computation, they discovered that there is no direct way to implement a map that both sends 1 to 0 and also sends 0 to 1. Rather, in order to flip a bit of information, the bit must proceed through at least one hidden state, and involve at least three hidden time steps.
 

Captain.Heroin

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When I am dead, this is all I will see... the visuals of the afterlife that linger over every still image of life, one after the other... but they are not images. It's just a continual FLOW. Choppy and uneven flow like the ocean.
 

Asclepius

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Used to watch P. Moore's shows, he was a bumbling, 'Toad from Wind on the Willows' Tory, pain in the ass but his show was lovely. Here's an early one, before my existence.


Be well, beautiful one.🌘💛
 
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Captain.Heroin

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I wake up at all. There are different sights, different smells. Same feelings. Same indifference.
 

Captain.Heroin

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I once looked at the stars with you.
But I guess the stars have fallen.
Crashed into the Earth and lost all warmth.
Love..

Or what I thought was love.
Has that died too?
It has for you. Now I wait for mine to die.
I beg for it.
Leave me cold with no warmth left inside.
No star shine left..
All the butterflies are dead and I smile.

I once looked at the stars with you.
And I thought they could be reached
But now I look at the dirt alone
And know it's where I belong...


Holding your hand.
Our fingers inter twined.
In a knot of emotions.
My eyes fixed on you.
And all the freckles on your arms.
I caught your eye.
Staring..

Not at me but at the next man.
A replacement for me.
I guess to fill your void of love.
And to create the void for me.
Our hands unlock for the last time.
Leave me again.
We both know you will.
I was cold beside you.
Like that flame of love that has finally burned out.

Grief has consumed my heart.
In days when I thought I wouldn't last.
Not without you at least.
My nights are filled with painful memories.
The paintings you gave me.
Hanging on my wall which has now turned into lacerations on my body.
But you don't care..

I know you don't.
Fully focused on forgetting me.
When you were here I already felt forgotten.
Now I lie in bed.
Not wanting to move.
Not wanting to breathe.

Life has become something of misery.
Hope has vanished within my heart.
I don't feel a reason to see the sunrise again.
Not now.
Not without you.
What's the point in even existing.
If I can't exist with you?


When I lay my head down to sleep.
After I close my eyes.
I always wonder if it will be the final time.
And since I've been dreaming it would be for years.
Tonight I'll make my dreams come true.
I'll take my medicine at once.
And overdose in my sleep..
All my belongings you can keep.
Or throw them away like you've done before.
My only last wish is that you see my body.
And cry with your hand over your mouth.
You'll be the first to find me.
And the last to care..

In this garden.
I can hide.
From the lies of life.
And the worms that live in it.
In this garden.
I can tell all my dreams.
And all my failed hopes.
It tells me it's okay.
With a gentle breeze on my skin.
And a light wave of some branches.
In isolation.
I can only find true comfort.


Like flowers in autumn. I wither...

Like flowers that have wilted.
I have slowly been decaying through the years.
Quietly, my shallow emptiness has grown.
Into something that has taken over my body.
And it rips my flesh and calls for my blood to spill
I obey its commands and it befriends my woes.
I've noticed it's been in my veins.
Creeping and corroding everything.
But I know one day this dreadful emptiness.
Will have mercy on me.
And end my miserable excuse of a life.
Like a garden that has been eaten by insects..
 

Captain.Heroin

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starts to see through the virtual veil
takes sedatives, forgets
wakes up with synthetic, manufactured, faux-renewed sense of purpose
 

Captain.Heroin

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One day you will understand.
Where I've gone to and why I left.
These words will die and you cry.

My voice is fading,
My time is gone.
Only think of me,
When your time has come.

When I die... Who will be with?
Only in my mind, friends care...
In truth, they're not there.

My voice is fading, my time is gone,
Only think of me,
When your time has come...

As I sit here with you under the hanging vines,
I gaze into your eyes,
As they twinkle and water.
You know that the time has come,
That my love for you has died.
Even as you grasp your arms around me,
Pleading and crying to me...
I look at your face for the last time.
I don't feel anything for you,
It was a mistake to take your hand,
And place your heart with mine.
This will be a vivid memory,
That will distance you from me.
My hold on you will fade one day,
As you continue life pretending like
I damaged you, you will forget
And think of me as a false reality.
Even with all we have been through,
And all the feelings you killed...
No one will ever take you out of my thoughts.

..

Laying in the sand, watching the
Waves crash, looking into the sky,
You're my shooting star...
That never fades away, even in
Dark you're there, always
Watching me. Helping me through life,
Walking upon my shadow, I wish you
Had never left. Why did you take your
Life you were only 18, when you left
Home and I have never been,
The same without you in my life.
So I live and pretend, that you're still
With me. Somewhere in my heart
Yours still beats.
You broke my heart over and over again.
Its funny to see me here, bleeding on
The floor, crying to myself.
Never knowing how you could do this to me.
I thought I meant something to you,
But I was wrong and I still,
Will always love you.

I felt your breathing even after,
I heard your voice, before I followed.
You hurt me so much...
I have lost so much in life,
And I have cried and cried,
For some one to help me,
And you all walked past.
What would happen if you
Were in my place? I cant say
I'd help you, and I
Don't blame you for anything.
You just didn't care and left...

It's the cold shoulder of life.

I've never felt this empty before.
Even on tranquil days I held your hand
For so long, I want to protect you
And your fading smile.
Your soft whispers crying that,
Nobody knows who I really am.
The flower field we had loved so much,
Died during the fall and never woke,

Like the love that had withered away.
Your hands always resist me,
This pain is nothing compared to what
I have given up. As we walked on the
Path among flowers, I will never
Forget those spoken words, that
Some memories aren't meant to leave
Traces,
as you turned your back to me.
During spring I returned, and saw
The fields in all there beauty,
You were there with another.
Will I end up losing you someday?
Where have you gone?

Remember the urge to withdraw?
How the emptiness inside grew as I kept,
Distancing myself from you. I can still
Remember watching your eyes tear,
Hearing your voice cry, feeling
Your hands grasp, tasting your breath.
The last kiss you tried to give.
I can see you at your worst.

These urges to withdraw, showed
Your weakness. You cling to everyone,
And everything you have said to me,
Has been said to others before by those lips.
None of our times meant anything. I wish
I would have known, so the last look
Upon your face wouldn't last in my mind.

The emptiness inside grew, as I kept
Distancing myself from you, these
Urges to withdraw never seemed to stop.

When you laugh at me, my eyes tear
Up and I can't see, the gaze staring
Through me. Your cold heart makes you
Seem to not care for me...
I have given my heart to you,
And you took everything from me...
These past mistakes in life, these
Shared times in pain, what as the
Point to hurt me?
Remember what
I told you? That if you were to be mine,
I would do everything for you, and
Now that it is over, I am in disbelief.
All I think of is what could be,
I'll never love again. These are my
Final words and my following actions,
Will be my last moments.

Please don't say you love me,
Or anything but your own self...

I want to say I'm sorry for things
I haven't done yet.
Though I'm bleak
And tomorrow is distant, I'll never
Leave from this silence. Soft tears
Are my only comfort. I need to
Find myself. Through nightmares
Of the mind. A psychotic urge of mental
Progression before all the years have
Gone and all the halls darkened.
I have passed the time, when the mourners
Mourn. The dead end bleakness of
Adulthood was a tale of two.
wasting away in a lonely mind,
The words of a silenced man speak
To the past. The tears of a silent rain.
Sad natures sadness. Mistakes that take
Us apart, I have left this life before.
Changes that were never meant to be.
You will never be alone, not within my
Memory. Run away, but I will remain
I want to be alone.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Over these years I've come to realize
That there is no heaven
There is no hell...
There is no spiritual thing that can save me from me...
It's so easy to lie yourself..
And say that life is good...
Until you finally open your eyes
And see the total destruction...
Happening before you...
The great depression...
The great pain...
Everyone suffers from sooner or later..
Sooner or later...
 

Captain.Heroin

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death...to me...
Death...to all...
countless hours and countless days...
All that i can feel is pain...
Living is killing me...
Why can't my life just finish....
it just drags on...
As if life wants me to suffer....

Theres no escaping this...
It just drags and drags on...
 

Captain.Heroin

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Our time has come. This is where time stops.
This is where everything turns black.
Where everything ends, and everything
begins. I know I won't be missed.
I know, I know...
Don't pretend that you will.
I'm tired of all these lies, I'm tired of
my helpless cries, so don't try to stop me
from pulling this trigger. Let me have this
one moment, to have rejuvenated myself and
get rid of the dirty stench that I placed
on this earth (Me). No bullet can
accomplish this task, I never trusted
the weapons that were created by man.
There is no life after death. But before I go,
Let me watch look through the infinite trees.
Let me dance to the snowstorm and sing along
with the winds as I reach for the sky. My
tears can't stop flowing, everyone says to let
go of the past, so I jumped off the mountain
that I once stood still on, watching myself fall
Let me close my Eyes and never wake up. I am
finally letting go, I am finally going to stop
breathing. Hearing his voice in my head saying.
Let it go, let it go, you have lost it all, you
have done it all, this journey is finally over.

You don't have to suffer anymore. Let it go...
 

Iceman1216

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I do not know what to say
And was to Scared not to say something
I Have read this thread 3Xs and almost breathless
I hope that putting it all in writing ( and so eloquently, has helped)
Please do not Take a Permanent solution to a Temporary Problem
 

Captain.Heroin

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most of the long(er) passages with blue highlighted text are dsbm lyrics I did not write but I blue'd the parts that I felt were most relevant, too-close-to-home type stuff.

I go through ups and downs. I think I'll make it out of this down I'm in.

The posts before that I wrote. Except for the physics thing I copied that from the news. I do that a lot. I wrote like the first sentence and tied in the article just for haha's. I don't know why. My brain is quite unusual.

I don't really know why I do anything.
 

Captain.Heroin

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That's really good to hear man. I have like 4 or 5 years off that poison. It doesn't feel long enough.
 
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