Posting this probably won't make it worse

[ThoseCleverKids]

Idon'tevenknowwheretobegin
Tool uploaded all their stuff to Spotify a few weeks ago. So that's a good thing.

I guess the reason I'm posting this (assuming I post this) is I had my fortnightly session with the psychologist today, it was crushing, and I've spent the rest of the day failing to fight down the ruminations. They've been getting more frequent, absorbing, longer, for the past few weeks. The basic theme is that I'm never going to get better because I can't communicate, therapy is a waste of time, eventually I'll get properly depressed again and kill myself. Which would be fine with me, if I could get past the guilt over what it would do to my family. But if I could get past that, I would have killed myself long ago.

Background, I guess... I have (I think) avoidant personality disorder. I haven't been explicitly diagnosed as such, but at the last session (which was also horrific, but more productive) the psychologist said she thought it was either that or schizoid personality disorder, based on the information I've given, which included an inventory I forget the name of. I read a bit about each, I think it's avoidant. From what I managed to tell her at that session, she thinks the same. I've always been shy and solitary, got bullied constantly through school, left at 16 (as soon as I legally could). I had a few friendships at school, drifted away from them once I'd left, avoided getting close to anyone since then.

Since then, I've worked in hospitality for 20 years (back of house, natch). I bought all the anti-drug propaganda until I was about 19 although I started drinking (wine, lots, alone) at 18. Then I discovered Tom Wolfe and Erowid and decided that if I'd been lied to all those years, then the opposite of what They told me must be true. So I started doing a lot of drugs. The acid and mushrooms have been positive, the amphetamines have been insidious and destructive, although they facilitated some socializing for a while, the weed and alcohol have been daily for years - I stopped everything about 2 months ago. The last time I did meth was a year ago, it was disappointing, and kicked off the most brutal depression yet. 7 months (how long's that kid been on this boat? Seven months) down the hole, suicidal constantly, rage and self loathing and lots of cuts, some real bad times at work when it go so I couldn't speak or look at anyone.

I finally sought treatment towards the end of that time. I woke up one morning, my day off. Lay there relieved, almost relaxed, thinking the house was empty. Then I heard the sound of my brother walking down the hall and punched myself in the side of the head, hard. It hurt a lot more than I expected, and the despair made me claw at my face, which opened up some unambiguous gashes on my forehead. (remember I will always love you, as I claw your fucking throat away...) They're scars now. At first I was fairly open with the medical people, because I was terrified - I've always had some control over my self-harming in the past, and the total loss of it freaked me the fuck out. But, ironically, the mirtazipine (45mg) has lifted the depression some, I've moved into a place by myself, and being somewhat stable again has taken away the panic, so I've closed off again. I go to my sessions and withdraw automatically, my brain goes white noise, I can't voice my fears or problems, can't engage or answer questions.

I've wondered about benzos to try overcome that and make some kind of progress in treatment, but can't bring myself to bring it up and anyway if they're in the house I'll eat them all. And I can't do that withdrawal again. MDMA isn't even remotely mainstream therapeutically, here (anywhere?), and even if it was, I've developed a horrific relationship with it, from trying to self-medicate with it years back to solve these problems. It didn't break the walls, and then I came down and they were higher than ever.

...

Jesus, did I make less sense than this when I was smoking a quarter a day and a bottle or two of wine every night? I don't know. There's probably evidence one way or the other, somewhere in the bowels of this machine. I ain't looking, not tonight.

Thanks for reading, anyway. I ... something. I don't know.

Thanks.
-TCC

 

[mal3volent]

I'm from the US so I don't know a whole lot about your mental health care system in New Zealand. But I do appreciate how difficult therapy is if you are an extremely anti-social type person. It takes some trial and error, but I think just about anyone can find a person they mesh with, eventually. Once you tough it out for a few sessions and develop a relationship maybe it won't be as daunting.

I definitely wouldn't recommend benzos if you already kinda have a feeling you won't use them sparingly. I sure as hell can't. A lot of people don't see the appeal, but for those with serious social anxiety they feel miraculous. Problem is that it's so temporary. You learn to use it as a crutch instead of addressing the problem directly. Might sound familiar if you use weed and alcohol for the same reasons, which I suspect you do.

I avoid any kind of stimulant because the crashes are so intense. The sudden shifts in mood can be quite jarring. Definitely not healthy for someone who is dealing with self harm.

It might be a good thing you have your own place now. I personally need that isolation sometimes. If I need to bail out of a situation, I know I have a place to go. It's a difficult thing though because you don't want to hide from the world for too long. I might have missed it, but why was the incident with your brother so triggering for you? I really worry about this man. Sudden outbursts like that can be really dangerous. Whatever you feel you can do to minimize those specific feelings...that needs to be your first priority.

I hope you will stick around Bluelight and continue the conversation. You will find a ton of people here in the Dark Side who you will be able to relate to. Also, check out the Mental Health forum as well. There's a ton of content there specifically targeted toward personality disorder type stuff. And we have a Health and Recovery forum as well, if at anytime you decide you want to cut back or try to abstain from drugs completely.

It's always good to keep a dialogue open though. Bluelight has been really great for me in that regard. I have people here I can communicate with...with absolutely no fear of judgment.

 

[ThoseCleverKids]

I'm from the US so I don't know a whole lot about your mental health care system in New Zealand. But I do appreciate how difficult therapy is if you are an extremely anti-social type person. It takes some trial and error, but I think just about anyone can find a person they mesh with, eventually. Once you tough it out for a few sessions and develop a relationship maybe it won't be as daunting.

Frankly, I don't know a lot about it myself, but the treatment I'm receiving is free, from the local Community Mental Health and Addiction service, which is something I'm incredibly grateful for. The waiting list was long, but they did assign me a social worker in the meantime, and switched me to a different psychologist when I found the first one impossible to deal with.
But developing a relationship with my current therapist (who is great - very, very patient) is where I'm getting hung up. I've seen her 5 or 6 times now, and still find it practically impossible to give any details about how I feel, what I do and why, what I think about myself or other people or the world at large... I leave each session consumed with the thought that it's impossible for me to do that, trying to understand why, and spend the next few days ruminating, making futile attempts to work it all out, and generally staring down the hole again.

It might be a good thing you have your own place now. I personally need that isolation sometimes. If I need to bail out of a situation, I know I have a place to go. It's a difficult thing though because you don't want to hide from the world for too long. I might have missed it, but why was the incident with your brother so triggering for you? I really worry about this man. Sudden outbursts like that can be really dangerous. Whatever you feel you can do to minimize those specific feelings...that needs to be your first priority.

Nah, you didn't miss it, it was missing. I really struggle to communicate in general, and especially about these things, so I decided to just post rather than go back and try to make it clearer - pretty certain I would have just given up otherwise. So I appreciate you taking the time to try to make some sense of it.
As to why my brother's presence set me off so badly... I was living with him and his girlfriend, had been depressed for a few months already, and never left my room while they were home, except to go to work (weird thing, and probably a literal life-saver, I never stop working when I'm depressed, no matter how bad it gets. Bummer for my co-workers, though). So I'd built up a very powerful resentment towards them for being home on my days off (which they usually were). The morning in question, I woke up thinking they were out and that I'd be able to leave my room, do washing, stuff like that. I've been in exactly this situation a couple of times in the past, living with him and other people.
Fortunately, that particular issue is basically resolved now that I live alone again (well, the underlying issue isn't resolved, but I'm removed from it).

I hope you will stick around Bluelight and continue the conversation. You will find a ton of people here in the Dark Side who you will be able to relate to. Also, check out the Mental Health forum as well. There's a ton of content there specifically targeted toward personality disorder type stuff. And we have a Health and Recovery forum as well, if at anytime you decide you want to cut back or try to abstain from drugs completely.

It's always good to keep a dialogue open though. Bluelight has been really great for me in that regard. I have people here I can communicate with...with absolutely no fear of judgment.

Thank you, I'm certainly going to try. I hope that between the anonymity, and knowing the nature of the community here, maybe it will be a way to learn to communicate more in the outside world as well...
I think I didn't make it at all clear in my first post, but I've been abstinent for about 2 months now - no alcohol, no weed, no tobacco. The last time I did meth was The Last Time - I'm absolutely certain that next time will lead to my death, via some really spectacular horrors. And even on my worst days, I don't want out bad enough to do that. If I could find some Definitely Acid, I think I'd like to take it again, I've always felt very at home on acid. But that's not on the cards, and I'm ok with that.

Thanks again for the reply. I appreciate it very much indeed.

 

[Mafioso]

who is great - very, very patient) is where I'm getting hung up. I've seen her 5 or 6 times now, and still find it practically impossible to give any details about how I feel, what I do and why, what I think about myself or other people or the world at large... I leave each session consumed with the thought that it's impossible for me to do that, trying to understand why, and spend the next few days ruminating, making futile attempts to work it all out, and generally staring down the hole again

Maybe just start there, and keep it simple. Tell her that you appreciate her patience, but you are still having a difficult time expressing or explaining yourself. Or you could try writing a few things down during the week/month prior to your next visit, things that you'd like to talk about. Then, if it becomes too much to even read the list aloud, maybe you could just hand it to her.

I can relate to a lot of what you say about avoidant issues and anxiety. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have had a couple drug induced psychosis, so now I get worry about going crazy again when under high stress so I tend to avoid anything that stresses me what so ever. I've self-medicated with benzos for this and social anxiety, which has only led to more problems and confusion, tbh. I still struggle to break psychological dependence on benzos, like just the idea that I can do normal things again without them is an issue, so simple things can be really stress inducing, which in turn I find embarrassing and it feeds my social anxiety and I become extremely neurotic and sometimes even start to get tunnel vision and dizzy. It's definitely at an extreme, but I find taking small steps helps. Definitely have to force myself out of my comfort zone. Exercise and diet also play a key role and are probably far more effective in the long run than benzos. I think it's something as little as 30 min, 3x a week, of aerobic exercise can cause neurogenesis, which is essential to learning and, imo, pulling myself out of the depression and learning new, more positive, ways of thinking and dealing with problems.

For me, there can be a lot of ups and downs, which I notice seem to be largely tied to 3 things: environment, my daily habits/behavior(self-care, exercise, diet, pursuing goals and accomplishing them even if they are simple like read 30 min), and my mindset and self-talk(how I view the world, how I view myself). I can't control all of these, but usually you can always control a few or have some sort of influence. Like using breathing exercises and positive self-talk when in stressful situations is usually always somewhat possible if you can escape to the bathroom for a few minutes to breathe.