Hi, I just registered tonight. My entire life was, I could look at it in a negative way and continue my life as a failure, or at 48 I could make a decision that I now know what my problems are, what caused me to preform destructive behaviors after destructive behaviors..
Part of my crash included substance abuse, which got very bad at that time. I went to rehab after rehab. They did nothing. A few years later the depression i suffered since 16 got to the point where I was unable to continue my life as it was. I ended up at ovrr 20 acute care phych hospitals. I finally landed at a state phychatric hospital which I spent 3 years at. They finally, got me on the correct meds. I left, I have an apt, but I'm far from fixed, so much better and I feel very close to having a decent, content end of my life.
I'm in the process of tapering off but suboxone and kolonopin. I also use Adderall, 90 mgs a day, I do not like being dependent on any drug, last month, the day I filled my Adderall, an Exterminator came in my house and left with 89 of tbe 90 Adderall tabs.
For the first time I had no choice but to stop, 90 mgs is a high dose for a long time. In October I went through the most horrible 3 and a half weeks ever. I never though it would be that bed, it was worse. I was paryzed, could do nothing at all no matter how important, no motivstion, no enrrgy, suicidal thoughts, affected relationship with GF I'm about to be engaged to.
I finally got a refill and I now feel OK but it made me know that can not happen again, ever.
The Adderall I most definitely need to have a semi normal like. The kolonopin, I have not needed that since the ssri medications started working. The suboxone. Over 10 years ago I developed an addiction to Vicoxen, while I was not treated.for depression. Vicoden, any opiate is by far the best anti depressant, if it was not for the inevitable tolerance effect. You have to take more and more and still can't get same effect. In the end it made my depression worse.
I've been on only Suboxone for 5 years now, you could put 599 vicodin on a table in front of me nothing would make me take that shit ever again.
The last two year I was taking Subs at 16 mgs a day and Xanax at 8 mgs a day, if I stopped I got deathly ill. Past December 2019 I had had it and began the slow process of tapeting off both. I'm down to 2 mg of suboxone last two weeks and just reduced to 3 mgs a day of kolonopin. No problems at all getting to this point. Working with Dr to get off both by spring.
I have finally accepted I am what I am, I don't listen to the negative thoughts that often flood my head , I try had to fight though depressive fatigue to exercise which help better than any medication.
The biggest reason is I'm in the best relationship of my life and because of my frustration of loosing the pills I took it out on the person who cares about me the most. We almost broke up until I realized what I eS doi g and how much I'd regrett it. I'll
Never take any life event not caused by her out in her every again. All in all I I know I'm headed in right direction.
Part of my crash included substance abuse, which got very bad at that time. I went to rehab after rehab. They did nothing. A few years later the depression i suffered since 16 got to the point where I was unable to continue my life as it was. I ended up at ovrr 20 acute care phych hospitals. I finally landed at a state phychatric hospital which I spent 3 years at. They finally, got me on the correct meds. I left, I have an apt, but I'm far from fixed, so much better and I feel very close to having a decent, content end of my life.
I'm in the process of tapering off but suboxone and kolonopin. I also use Adderall, 90 mgs a day, I do not like being dependent on any drug, last month, the day I filled my Adderall, an Exterminator came in my house and left with 89 of tbe 90 Adderall tabs.
For the first time I had no choice but to stop, 90 mgs is a high dose for a long time. In October I went through the most horrible 3 and a half weeks ever. I never though it would be that bed, it was worse. I was paryzed, could do nothing at all no matter how important, no motivstion, no enrrgy, suicidal thoughts, affected relationship with GF I'm about to be engaged to.
I finally got a refill and I now feel OK but it made me know that can not happen again, ever.
The Adderall I most definitely need to have a semi normal like. The kolonopin, I have not needed that since the ssri medications started working. The suboxone. Over 10 years ago I developed an addiction to Vicoxen, while I was not treated.for depression. Vicoden, any opiate is by far the best anti depressant, if it was not for the inevitable tolerance effect. You have to take more and more and still can't get same effect. In the end it made my depression worse.
I've been on only Suboxone for 5 years now, you could put 599 vicodin on a table in front of me nothing would make me take that shit ever again.
The last two year I was taking Subs at 16 mgs a day and Xanax at 8 mgs a day, if I stopped I got deathly ill. Past December 2019 I had had it and began the slow process of tapeting off both. I'm down to 2 mg of suboxone last two weeks and just reduced to 3 mgs a day of kolonopin. No problems at all getting to this point. Working with Dr to get off both by spring.
I have finally accepted I am what I am, I don't listen to the negative thoughts that often flood my head , I try had to fight though depressive fatigue to exercise which help better than any medication.
The biggest reason is I'm in the best relationship of my life and because of my frustration of loosing the pills I took it out on the person who cares about me the most. We almost broke up until I realized what I eS doi g and how much I'd regrett it. I'll
Never take any life event not caused by her out in her every again. All in all I I know I'm headed in right direction.
