• NMI Moderators: D's | madness00 | PtahTek
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Pgc640

P. Gerard

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2020
Messages
7
Hi, I just registered tonight. My entire life was, I could look at it in a negative way and continue my life as a failure, or at 48 I could make a decision that I now know what my problems are, what caused me to preform destructive behaviors after destructive behaviors..
Part of my crash included substance abuse, which got very bad at that time. I went to rehab after rehab. They did nothing. A few years later the depression i suffered since 16 got to the point where I was unable to continue my life as it was. I ended up at ovrr 20 acute care phych hospitals. I finally landed at a state phychatric hospital which I spent 3 years at. They finally, got me on the correct meds. I left, I have an apt, but I'm far from fixed, so much better and I feel very close to having a decent, content end of my life.
I'm in the process of tapering off but suboxone and kolonopin. I also use Adderall, 90 mgs a day, I do not like being dependent on any drug, last month, the day I filled my Adderall, an Exterminator came in my house and left with 89 of tbe 90 Adderall tabs.
For the first time I had no choice but to stop, 90 mgs is a high dose for a long time. In October I went through the most horrible 3 and a half weeks ever. I never though it would be that bed, it was worse. I was paryzed, could do nothing at all no matter how important, no motivstion, no enrrgy, suicidal thoughts, affected relationship with GF I'm about to be engaged to.
I finally got a refill and I now feel OK but it made me know that can not happen again, ever.
The Adderall I most definitely need to have a semi normal like. The kolonopin, I have not needed that since the ssri medications started working. The suboxone. Over 10 years ago I developed an addiction to Vicoxen, while I was not treated.for depression. Vicoden, any opiate is by far the best anti depressant, if it was not for the inevitable tolerance effect. You have to take more and more and still can't get same effect. In the end it made my depression worse.
I've been on only Suboxone for 5 years now, you could put 599 vicodin on a table in front of me nothing would make me take that shit ever again.
The last two year I was taking Subs at 16 mgs a day and Xanax at 8 mgs a day, if I stopped I got deathly ill. Past December 2019 I had had it and began the slow process of tapeting off both. I'm down to 2 mg of suboxone last two weeks and just reduced to 3 mgs a day of kolonopin. No problems at all getting to this point. Working with Dr to get off both by spring.
I have finally accepted I am what I am, I don't listen to the negative thoughts that often flood my head , I try had to fight though depressive fatigue to exercise which help better than any medication.
The biggest reason is I'm in the best relationship of my life and because of my frustration of loosing the pills I took it out on the person who cares about me the most. We almost broke up until I realized what I eS doi g and how much I'd regrett it. I'll
Never take any life event not caused by her out in her every again. All in all I I know I'm headed in right direction.
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
12,331
Location
New England
Hey @P. Gerard

That's fucking awesome about your tapers and amazing relationship! How does the relationship help you? No doubt it can but curious.

And the lack of negative thoughts? Good shit.

I can't believe extermination took all your adderall lol but hey if i was im his position, in a peak of addiction, i can't say i wouldn't either.

But anyway, hopefully you stay out of the wards. I haven't been hospitalized for going on 4 years, but have about 8 visits.

Im curious - how did you find bluelight? And what do you want to get out of it?

You ARE headed in the right direction, it seems. And i think BLers would be more than happy to support you.

Welcome to Bluelight :)

PS - sorry for bombarding with questions - no pressure!

PPS - i see you've posted in BDD. Awesome dude, jump right in. Make it home.

Peace.
 
Last edited:

PtahTek

Moderator: NMI
Staff member
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
4,416
Location
Onda Cona
... I took it out on the person who cares about me the most.
This is common and this also is the reason why I have dropped a lot of addictive "baggage" in the last few years. It would seem that the self-loathing of the realization of misdirected frustrations caused me to use more to numb it all up had me in a destructive downward spiral. As much as not using makes me an ass-hole... using apparently made me a worse one.
It is encouraging when reading others had come to this conclusion independently as my mind can and has played tricks on me: "You know you are an ass when not on drugs... why do this to yourself and those whom you love most (and who loves you)?" So, thanks for joining and posting this.
It has been over a week since we moved and making the decision to fine tune my usage (or not using) is playing major mind-games with me. I find myself going through the same-ol'-same-ol' of having a bad attitude at times. Even reasoning that the world of non-use is a larger fantasy-land than that of users:
"Druggies at least know what to expect from others but sobriety is just filled with a bunch of ass-kissing drones with no real-feelings." Not quite 100% sure of this but have to give it some time in order to make final judgements as there was very little of the many decades I have been on this planet where I did not use daily.
Working on that now....
Again: Thanks for starting this thread as last night was undoubtedly the worst night since our move regarding head-games.
Welcome to bluelight and look forward to seeing how all this pans out.
Peace always,
Ptah
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
12,331
Location
New England
Ah, for some reason i totally missed that OP said that.

I can relate to ruining relationships because of drugs.

It fucking sucks. Good insight Ptah.
 

P. Gerard

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2020
Messages
7
Ah, for some reason i totally missed that OP said that.

I can relate to ruining relationships because of drugs.

It fucking sucks. Good insight Ptah.
Thanks, everyone who responded. I did not expect to see that level of empathy, understanding. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one.
Relationships, from family to friends to girlfriends, I have damaged or simply destroyed every one because of not being aware that my first response or reaction to any situation is not the correct one. Even my current relationship, which I truly believe is going to last, I have, come close to destroying.
It took decades for me to accept that I have a mental illness, that I have to be vigilant about treating it and always be aware of it. No matter how good things may be at a certain moment that can change so quickly. Keeping myself balanced has to be and for the first time is the most important thing I have to do. Everything else depends on it.

Again, thank you all. I was just looking for some support, but by people who relate. I cut out everyone that I knew that did anything negative, especially drug use. Not judging anyone, if someone can mess around here and there and it not be anathema to the rest of their life, fine. I just can't and being around it does nothing positive at all for me. Just taking a different, I think, more realistic approach to dealing with my insane self.
 

D's

Moderator: NMI, TDS
Staff member
Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Messages
25,422
Welcome to Bluelight @P. Gerard :)
Glad you found us mate. Your story is powerful, and will most definitely help someone in the near future. I'm sure you heard this many times but just know that you are not alone <3
Might I suggest checking out our recovery forum. :)
 

PtahTek

Moderator: NMI
Staff member
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
4,416
Location
Onda Cona
Good insight Ptah.
:sneaky:
Thx
Remember saying something along the lines of me being more coherent when high? Guess you can tell by the above post that I am not, eh? :p
Best always,
Me

Keeping myself balanced
Ahhh, one who is after my own heart. <3
I am a preacher of balance for the longest. Iron work (and the great Tao) brought me to this conclusion many years ago but it took many more years to practice this and apply to every aspect of my life... still practicing.
Love it. :love:
Always,
Ptah
 
Last edited:
Top