🎨 ARTministrator 🎨
- Feb 8, 2006
- In the mountains
I wonder if we could ever have a mind -> audio recording device. I've been there with full, detailed music in my head, yet it can be so ephemeral. A few times I've managed to translate some things into the studio, or at least take some a capella notes.. but so much just evaporates. Part of the beauty of it too though.
That would be amazing. There is almost always music running through my head and it's hardly ever someone else's. Sometimes it gets kicked up to symphony level but I never have the drive to try to communicate that to paper. I do communicate it through my playing so it gets out there but so much gets lost or rather, just ruminates and eventually comes out in some way. I often feel like I am connected to a universal flow through the music, sometimes I wish so bad that I could communicate what's happening. And sometimes I do. I guess that's why I'm a musician.
You guys ever do some drugs and then wish you hadn't done any drugs? That's where I'm at. I justified it by the fact that I was feeling so low energy and had a big project to do, but now the project is done and I just feel sloppy and meh.
It's been 15 days without kratom, I had some suboxone days in there but it's been a week since that too. Been doing gabapentin every other day and loperamide some days. I'm getting to where I am not sure whether I'm risking dependence on those. I don't feel that bad but the anhedonia is shitty. I've been timing gabapentin for band-related days. I want to break free so bad... and just feel normal. usually by now I would be working out but my energy levels are abnormally low so it's hard. Obviously doing some stimulants today isn't going to help that. Sigh... so much good stuff going on, it's hard to function like this though and I have to function. I literally have 2 careers right now. The band is taking off again and so is my programming job. My girlfriend is sad because I don't have enough time. I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to mange this but I have to do the music. And I also have to make money because I have a mortgage, plus I really like my job. My life is a weird mixture of joy and stress. What I want is to explode through life and do everything. She just wants to chill and not do that much. I feel bad because she's lonely when I'm gone and a lot of the time I'm home I have to work during the day. She wants to move somewhere with a community, we have discussed moving to my bandmate's farm but the logistics are intense, other people are living in the second house so we either would need to build a house or help them buy the property and buy the second house. Which is basically all on me. So I don't know what to do. Also I don't want to sell my house because it's in a prime location in one of the fastest growing cities in the country and in 10 years it'll be worth so much more. I could rent it out but that's another thing, plus then I wouldn't have a chunk of cash to do something else with like I would if I sold it. I'm trying to make money with crypto too, but that might take a few years. Ahhhh so much stuff.