Yeah... Opiod replacement is a million times better than being hooked on heroin/fent for sure. I was on methadone for years then kicked it and benzos in 2015. I had several longish stints completely clean(15mths and 9mths) but I was a mess for a good portion of that time and then spent several years relapsing on and off. I am just glad to be sleeping again because since I kicked the mdone and benzos years ago my sleeping never returned to normal. I would only sleep 4hrs every other night or so. It was hell.
You probably already know this since I've talked all about it on here, but I was on opiates, kratom then poppy tea with some episodes of heroin and oxy, but honestly poppy tea is a fucking intense opiate, heavy morphine plus codeine dose and with poppy seed tea the fats make a sort of time release effect that makes it last an entire day. To this day I have a mega perma-tolerance to opioids from that. Thank god I never went to the needle, I'd probably be dead. In fact I have a terrible needle phobia which I'm thankful for though it makes getting blood drawn at the doctor an ordeal.
Anyway, I despaired of ever getting off opiates back then and was so despondent I wished I would die, I fantasized about killing myself but never intended on actually doing so, but longed to have some accident happen out of my control, like getting hit by a bus or something. When I did ibogaine, it truly changed me and I quit right then and the spell was broken, it felt like I had never even been addicted, the few years following that were the best I've ever felt, and it showed me that I really do not need opioids to feel good.
I still can't believe I relapsed sometimes. It happened while I was visiting my parents and my dad was in the ending stages of ALS... it turned out to be the last time I ever saw him, and I knew that deep down. He was suffering more than I've ever seen anyone suffer, the time before that he told me that he is in hell, that every moment of life is torture and he just wanted to die so much, but he was afraid to hurt us. He was having a particularly bad night and the level of pain and sadness and anger (at my mom, she was deeply affected by caretaker syndrome by then and would sort of punish him subconsciously and it was unbearable to me to witness), and my mom threw away an almost empty bottle of his liquid morphine prescription since he got a new one. Before I even thought about it, I grabbed it out of the trash and drank it. Turned out to be a heavy dose, and I got too high, went to bed, and the whole next day I was vomiting. It wasn't even a good experience and I felt so guilty and ashamed, but it had planted the bug again. For the 5 years since ibogaine, that addiction bug, that thought you get in your head that won't go away and soon you succumb and take opiates, was completely gone. People would offer me opiates and I'd easily turn them down, no desire at all. Once I relapsed the one time, the bug was back. And I haven't been able to shake it since. But my level of use has never gotten anywhere near what it was in my main phase of addiction. I've had a few periods of weeks to months of using and then I'll get off again.
I bet you're glad to be off the opiates. I'm happy for you. I'll probably stay on methadone for as long as it continues to benefits me because it's free right now at my clinic, which is amazing compared to the $450+ a mth I used to pay. I wish they would have made the cost of a medicine that costs pennies to make more affordable a long time ago because it definitely stabilizes me and basically reduces my cravings for all drugs completely. I'm a chronic relapser, who has been addicted to opiates for about 22yrs. My life is better in every capacity when I'm taking my daily dose.
I have thought about replacement therapy, but what I learned from my time off opiates post-ibogaine is that I am happier without them, I do have some trauma but it's trauma I gained as an adult and is not incorporated into my personality and sense of self, so I really don't need to be medicating. When I was addicted for 10 years, I was self-medicating to deal with being in an abusive relationship/marriage. But now I love my life and who I am, even though I've gone through a lot of loss and difficulty the last few years.
Whenever I start doing them, there is a honeymoon period where I feel like I am functioning better and being a better version of myself, but then after a while, I start to feel like less than who I normally am, life feels dulled, I am less motivated, and I am less vibrant. So I am determined to just remove them from my life again, like I did before (except on my own this time, I think an ibogaine flood dose is a once in a lifetime thing and I won't do that again). I don't think maintenance is the right path for me, but I think that for some people, being on opiates really does improve their quality of life, even long-term, for for them I say, no reason at all to feel bad about being on maintenance indefinitely, it's about making the best quality of life for yourself and if opiates help with that, I don't see how it's different from people with anxiety disorders being on benzos for life, or any other pharma drug that truly helps someone. Drug abstinence is not a virtue in and of itself, sometimes drugs can be good. Obviously using dangerous illegal drugs and living that lifestyle isn't good for anyone, but if you can get pure pharma opiates where you know the dose and aren't destroying yourself financially and legally, it can be a viable option.
I truly am glad you're doing well. I wouldn't wish opiate addiction on my worst enemy.
Me either, man. It truly is the worst. I would never have believed the hellish depths I would eventually descend to because of long-term opiate addiction.
I've never really liked the way Subs make me feel but honestly I've probably never given them a fair chance because I had been on methadone for a few years before I had ever even heard of subs and the few times I tried to switch over from fentanyl recently I didn't wait long enough and got a little PWD.
I'm just some fucking guy so this may not mean much, but you're a beautiful soul
Agreed,
@dreamflyer. I hope you never let the world totally beat you down. It tries its best (or rather, other humans try their best, not the world itself) to beat down everyone who is vibrant and unique and kind and special, and so many people lose the battle and lose their essence. You're awesome and unique, don't ever forget it.
growing but it's a way off.
