Yeah, I was actually thinking that at the time, psy... how it hurt so much, but at the same time, it was beautiful to have loved so much. Also, I have a lot of trouble with grief in general, I tend to shut down and let it through in increments, and meanwhile it hurts me and fucks me up ho,ding it in... but I can't help it. Yesterday I grieved intensely for my baby girl, it was so painful. But I cried so much and today I already feel better. Nothing was held back. When my dad got sick and we faced his death for years, I cried a few times, but mostly felt really weird and bad that I couldn't. It was like the enormity of it was so much that my subconscious mind would not let me feel it except in small portions. Even at his wake I was mostly smiling, remembering the good times. Then at his funeral I cried so much, I sobbed. It felt cathartic though. I think in my dad's case I am still not all the way through it and I'm still subconsciously holding the full hurt at bay. I think it's part of my issues lately with drugs. I need to figure that out. But it was immediate and raw and gloriously painful and full-on with my cat yesterday. I think that was healthy.
She was an amazing kitty, so unique and wonderful. I will miss her, and I will always love her. I miss her already.