cosmic charlie
Bluelight Crew
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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Distancing Talk Thread: Swirly Congregation That's 100% Pandemic-Proof
- Thread starter Cream Gravy?
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- Feb 8, 2006
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This weekend up through today has been the best stretch of days for amazing, impactful conversations I think I've ever had. With my band, the entire time, me and my partner in psychedelic crime had the most fucking epic conversations, about absolutely everything, new ideas, really interesting stuff, like the kind of talking where you're both just bursting with topics, there's no way you actually get to it all, and for like 8 hours it's non-stop riffing off each others' ideas. We generally talk non-stop but this was extra fascinating and meaningful stuff. Also some psychedelics and DCK were involved, which was fun. Then the next day, he felt like shit all day and was feeling bad. Me and the guitar player (who is my little brother's age but I feel like he's older than us all, he's the band dad, tries to get us to get good sleep and not go too crazy. He and I talked about how as the older one I have a responsibility to help reign us in, as the two of us (my partner in crime bass player I mean, who is basically exactly like me when I was his age, except I think a little more self-aware) tend to enable each other with going ham on psychedelics and/or dissos, like, if either of us wants to, we'll both do it. Whereas it should be that if either of us has doubts, we should both not do it, and only do it when we both honestly think it;s the right time. Like, not when we're at a recording studio doing work we're paying for. \
Stayed up til 6am non-stop talking and being wonky, then we both took etizolam to get some sleep. I was unable to put down a track I wanted in the morning, too uncoordinated, though I managed another one. It was just an overdub in an already filled out part though. But Jesus*, man (I'm gonna refer to him as Jesus, as in, "hey, Zeus, how you doing you old maiden fucking bull, you?", from now on), he was fucked up. Woke up, threw up, walked all wonky, felt like shit, could barely get words out. He slept all day with a couple of brief awakenings to take dabs. I was stuttering my words and felt exhausted, but remained laser focused on mixing and keeping on top of the producers (who were being potheads and scatterbrained and making all sorts of mistakes which I knew would happen since it's what happened the last 2 times), but it was still excessive. When Hesus finally emerged for real, he felt really bad and kept apologizing. Then when everyone else was gone eating dinner except us, I had a talk with him and he went into full little brother mode, looked me straight in the eye and took it really seriously. We decided we would implement a rule where if we're out on the road or something, if either of us says we should pass on any drugs, we have to both do it. It went really well.
I also told him about how I have been exactly where he is, eating psychedelics most days for stretches of time, regularly tripping balls, between short tolerance breaks, thinking about them constantly, talking about them every chance he gets... he tends to immediately walk up to me when I arrive and start excitedly talking about something related to psychedelics. Which I love as it's great to be friends with a fellow drug nerd as deep in as I am, but I have come to realize that it's too much, his focus is too much on psychedelics. I related to him my experiences from 2005-2007 (which are all set into history on Bluelight in this very forum, in these social threads mostly
(too bad we deleted the ones from 2006 and 2007 when they got full, we had this idea they would someday incriminate us as we talked about all sorts of wild shit... it's a big regret, I'd so love to re-read those. I think the earliest left is from 2008). Anyway I told him about my journey into psychedelic abuse and how they became just another drug to use to escape, and they stopped being special, and I couldn't trip for years because my tolerance was so high. He thanked me for being a good friend and really appeared to take it in.
Then later that night, Z-man (guitar player/singer/band leader, though I think he and I are becoming co-leaders slowly but surely and I think he really wants to not always be the leader) pulled me aside and told me I was right that we shouldn't have come back and should have just spent the money on G-man (my guitar player and genius music producer from my other band and longtime friend), but that no way is he letting these guys mix it so let's go to G-man and spend a little more. It was a moment of look each other in the eye sincerity and vulnerability I hadn't experienced with him yet. I told him it was cool and that I thought this is an important experience for us to have regardless and I'm glad we came. Then I got him all excited about the mixing process, he (and the damn producers we were paying) had no idea that so much went into truly great mixing and mastering. Like, you spend time on every single tiny little clip of audio in every single song (and they can have 30, 40+ tracks each), and then slowly readjust as things start to come together. And the 3-dimensional soundscape aspect... most producers just make every track full stereo so it sounds fuller, but that's a shitty way to do it compared to the greats like the Beatles (big influence), etc, where you can place every instrument in a specific directional location in front or behind you, if you're listening in surround sound or headphones. It sounds like you're in a room with a band, the drums are panned like they're really placed, with the left overhead somewhat to the left and the right somewhat to the right... I watched him go from "yeah okay fine we'll try your friend, it'll probably take a few days" to "wow your friend is obviously really talented, you said he expects to spend 10+ hours per song, and that'll just be the first draft where we fine-tune it from there? For $50 a track? Damn we should have just used him in the first place! I'm excited to learn more about mixing" It was really satisfying and I resisted saying I told you so because I think he felt it on his own. But for real it's good to have close friends who are talented... he produces records that rival the best in quality I've heard, and he'll do each track from start to finish (like recording everything and mixing) to me/good friends for $150 flat fee per track... absurdly cheap. At this studio we went to 3 times, spent a total of 10 days at, which was inferior in every way in terms of professionalism and quality, we spent $250 a day and they took 3 months to mix one song and we didn't like the mix. Coulda spent far less and been done already. But at least the next stuff we record (very soon) will be at the right studio. That was an important conversation because it cleared the air between us, and it got him to take me a little more seriously and realize I do know some things that he doesn't sometimes.
Also on the way up, I got to reconnect with the drummer, who I was in a different band with 6 years ago and is the reason I am in this one now, because we randomly ran into each other again and he had me come to their band house to jam and then they sort of coerced me into playing a local show with them (I was hesitant since I was already in a band) and then once we went on the road one time I was hooked. Anyway We ended up talking non-stop the whole way up (5 hours), just great conversations. Talked about the things we want to do with the band, roles we want to fill (primarily writing setlists together complete with notes about talking between stops, Z is the lead man but he doesn't want to be and doesn't engage the audience much so we decided we need to do that even though it's kinda nerve-wracking for us. Also Z refuses to use setlists for some reason but let's be real, having a set list is pretty important, so everyone has something to work off of and you don't have to stop to whisper to each other and decide what to play. Seems obvious to me and C-drummer, but Z refuses. Last time we made one, and he just didn't use it whatsoever. So we decided we're going to just do it, and force the issue, until he sees that it gets us more consistently on-point shows. And with us engaging the crowd, we can force it better, by, for example, referencing what song we're about to play. It was probably the best round of conversation I've ever had with him.
Then also on the way back, me and Zebulon and Hesus were having amazing conversations, about everything, literally almost everything. We touched on evolution, the state of the world, the state of America, the nature of the concept of government, lots of human behavior stuff, space, the universe, extraterrestrial life (what it might be like, whether we've been visited, what being visited implies regarding space travel options, and the statistical absurdity of suggesting that we are the only life in the whole universe). The protests, the division, social engineering... and so on, and on, for 5 hours. It was such exciting conversation the entire time, we didn't even want to get out of the car when we got home. Near home we all started talking about how lucky we are to have such a brotherhood and be close friends and get along so well and have the same musical goals and sensibilities. Hessianzeus told me that even though he's only known me for less than a year, he immediately felt like we'd always known each other and have a spiritual bond, and I told him I think of him as a literal brother. It was basically a cuddle puddle. Zerxes joked about it but he was talking about how important it is to be fam with your band if you want to last and keep growing and creating organic and passionate new music. He remarked at one point that he feels kinda like he's on MDMA, and so did we all. Of course, I was on n-ethyl-pentedrone and 3-MMC, as I had just received by letter from the NL that took 10/11 weeks to arrive, the night before. I think they got some contact high although they didn't know I had taken any, which was extra funny because we also talked about contact highs and how it might relate to that thing where you can feel, not like by touch but anotgher sense, someone focusing their attention on you. How you can be out around a lot of people and just pick someone to stare pointedly at who isn't looking at you... unless they're really intently focused on something else, they'll look up, straight towards you, before long.
Then, after the drive, it was like 2am and I was about to go to bed since I hadn't slept much all weekend, and G-man called me. I hadn't talked to him or seen him in months, since lockdown began, and we talked non-stop with the same level of animation and enthusiasm as all the others. About fucking everything, again, really profound, important stuff. We also talked a lot about the studio experience I had, and ideas for what we would do in his studio. And we talked about getting our band going again now that lockdown is chilling out, feels like time to start practicing with both bands. He also told me I'm his best friend because I'm the only person he feels comfortable talking about certain stuff with. That made me feel really warm, I told him that he's one of my best friends too, and by that I mean, he is my best friend but there are a handful of others who are just as best. And then once again all I could think of was how lucky I am, so lucky, and I got a few tears, but they were happy tears. We talked about so much stuff I can't remember, and suddenly it was 5am. I wanted to play piano because I was still not tired (because drugz and also with this sudden spark of passion and life I got back and the lifting of a cloud of depression I hadn't even quite realized was there so much, I'm generally feeling slightly hypomanic. But I knew my body needed sleep so I took etizolam again and slept for 3 hours.
Then today, I had really cool conversations with my boss and 2 other co-workers (separately) that I had never really opened up to about anything in my personal life before. I did also begin the day with a bump of NEP. I felt silly and was making jokes and making people laugh at work via email and phone all day, and I got a shit ton done and working was so fun. Then my girl and I went for a walk and had one of those really special conversations where you've been with someone romantically a long time so you usually don't regard each other quite the same or talk to each other quite the same as when it was brand new and you didn't know each other much yet... I learned new things about her, we chatted like friends, and again, talked about the same sort of topics as I had been talking about all weekend.
AND FINALLY, then, just before I started writing this post, one of my very oldest and best friends, Jaysohnium, called me out of the blue. He lives in the town I grew up in, ie, far away, so I only see him every few years, but we keep in touch via phone and he is probably the most loyal and dedicated friend I have ever had, he's a wonderful and loving guy. He has called and left messages just to tell me he was thinking of me and loves me, he also calls my mom to do the same from time to time. Anyway, we ended up getting into possibly the most intense and impactful conversation of the entire last 4/5 days. After we talked about a lot of lighter stuff, it started getting a little darker... he doesn't use drugs, not that he never has, and worries about me and our mutual friend Brizzandizin, who is much worse off than me drug addiction-wise but both of us worry him, rightfully so. I told him about my ER trip, and we ended up talking about psychedelics where I explained my position and what they have given me throughout my life and continue to (perspective on life, the universe and everything, the ability to appreciate the moment much more easily, and my inner child always being very close to the surface). It was cool because at first he was kinda arguing with me and saying they're too dangerous, and then by the end he was really curious and thoughtful about what I had said. He's a doctor, or nutritionist really, but he works with elderly in a nursing home. We got to talking about my dad's death, he grew up with my dad too (he had been coming over to my parents' house since like 5th/6th grade), and I opened up pretty deep, it was hard but cathartic. And he related some experiences of deep, profound suffering at the nursing home, and we both agreed that the right to die with dignity if you choose is important, as important as the right for someone to live if the medical people can save them.
My dad was suffering horribly, to the point he told me he wished to die every day, life was literally Hell, he wished he got hit by a bus, the love of his life can barely stand him (caretaker syndrome is a real and horrible thing, especially between a relatively young and best friend married couple), and all of us will just remember him as a pathetic burden instead of who he is. He would tell me this stuff and not anyone else because I only saw him 3 times a year so for me, it was shocking and tragic every time to see the progression, but for them it was day in, day out. I would spend every moment of the week I'd spend there trying to do whatever he needed to make him feel comfortable and he really valued that. He was I am 99% sure then about to ask if I could kill him but then he couldn't ask his son to do that. And I couldn't have done it. But he expressed before it got that bad that when it got to the point he couldn't breathe on his own and/or was completely paralyzed, he wanted to just be able to die. But instead, he was kept alive against his will, out of a fear of loss, out of love, yes, but against his will. A prisoner in his own body, he told me towards the end (took him like 10 tries for me to be able to understand, he could hardly talk so couldn't even effectively tell people when he needed an adjustment or his face scratched, etc) that he felt like he was already dead but just lingering on in his body and we were all keeping the body alive but there was no point because he was already a ghost and he was in hell. When he finally died it was such a big relief for me, and his wake was beautiful and profound. At his funeral I sobbed uncontrollably except for my speech where I held it together.
Anyway it started to get real, I was about in tears, which felt healthy actually since I tend to wall off grief and it slowly, slowly trickles out, causing damage inside until it does, it's like a reflex, it kinda disturbs me about myself. And then Jaezin said he was going to talk about some stuff he's never really talked to anyone not Peurto Rican about, but that he knows that all through our lives I have never made him feel like I even saw or thought about his color at all, and just regarded him as my friend, which is absolutely true. He started talking about the riots and protests, and how horribly angry he is, at how so much of white America can't or won't see the injustices, and sees it as an attack on their own rights. Like "all lives matter", he said, no one is trying to suggest that they don't. It's just that society already values white lives, everyone already has known that white lives matter since the original settlers were still in Europe, and for centuries and centuries before that. Right now, society needed a reminder that hey, black lives also matter. We talked about a lot of the stuff we hear from some people who generally we really respect and get along with, stuff like "well how come you don't hear about the cops killing white people?" Well, because cops have been waging war on black people for a long time, since slavery ended, really, but especially since they flooded LA/etc with crack to turn it into a crime-ridden hole that they could use to fill their for-profit prisons. And until recently, ,you didn't even hear about the black people being killed by cops, the only reason we know is because of camera phones and random people witnessing and filming. Without that it would still be happening, presumably at a much higher rate since now cops are afraid of repercussions and being caught, whereas before there was literally no one to stop them, no one to tell what happened but them. People suggesting that since a higher raw number of white people are killed by cops, that there is no problem... while the number is nearly as high for black people, who only make up 14% of the population vs 74% for white people. So yeah, like 5x more killings, and that's the reported ones.
We talked about how terrified he is (as his voice broke for a moment), especially for his kid, who is 13. He wanted to get more involved, but he's afraid someone will attack him for who he was born as, and he won't come home. He said that he's also so sad, because it's senseless and racism isn't even fully the fault of someone, it;s indoctrination. He said when Trump was elected, that day at his kid's school (he was in 4th grade), some kid turned to him and was like "guess what, you're gonna get deported now!" And he came home crying because he was scared. We talked about how ugly things are, how America and indeed the western world is having an existential crisis and we're probably near the breaking point one way or the other... this is a crossroads, it will get much worse, or better from here. I said I feel like I'm supposed to be here, doing whatever I can do to spread as much understanding and love into the world as I can, because I know with all my being that love is the only way we survive this without first enduring a long and horrible period of darkness and hate and pain and death. I can do that through music, through writing, through trying to be an example for people. Trying to mentor people in the right direction, be something others admire and want to emulate. This means I need to pull myself out of this drug hole I've been digging and be my best self. I was my best self for the 3 years after ibogaine, truly it was amazing, and a big part of it was that I used drugs only sparingly, spent most of my time sober, slept and ate well, worked out a lot and was very healthy, and I played music and went exploring nature and spent time with my friends and did everything that made me happy, and in the process, helped my other brother from another mother and partner in crime, Real Boss, through an existential crisis into his psychedelic renaissance, which he has told me changed his life so much. And that's what it's about, is being a rock for people, being a beacon of hope and a source of positivity and affirmation, but also kind and earnest criticism when necessary.
I have always been insanely lucky... I have always had encounters with really good cops who have let me go without ruining my life, even the arresting officer for my DUI/car totaling was really nice to me and told the district attorney or whoever records the case that I was very well-manners and respectful and to please take that into consideration, and gave me a pat on the shoulder when he left. Could have gotten busted for major trafficking of various drugs one time, and I was so nervous I was shaking and actually shook so hard I dropped my license between my seat and the center console... couldn't talk without stuttering, and had dilated pupils (I was on a 1mg dose of DOC for the 13 hour car ride back home from Illinois). He asked me to come to his car, but said don't worry you're not in trouble. He grilled me on where I was coming from, who I was, etc, touching on everything twice to make sure I had the same answer. I told him I was nervous because my registration was 5 years expired. He asked if I had drugs, if he would find any if he searched, and I said absolutely not, that would be really stupid of me. After that he started calling me dude and man and stuff, turns out he's from where I love and we chatted for like 45 minutes like friends, he let me go with a warning and told me it was nice to meet me. Had it been one of those "not in MY county" hard-ass moustache cops, I'd have been fucked. The list goes on. Many times I could have died, and didn't. Many times riduclously improbable sequences of events led to where I am now, or prevented something bad from happening. Was almost in a car in high school that ended up crashing and killing everyone.
When I was 17 I was deciding between going to college for music or computer science... I had the moment of wisdfom necessary to choose computer science. But for many years I regretted it, I quit playing gradually, entirely, thought I forgot how to play, I had a deep painful yearning for playing music for people in a band. But I slowly lost faith it could ever happen, it was too late for me. It went so long that I forgot what the painful emptiness inside me even was. I forgot that music was the thing I most felt and loved, I don't even understand how now, other than I had an abusive and also very talented musician for a girlfriend and eventually wife, who pretty much took the role of musician as hers. Then I started experimenting with RCs, and found Bluelight just in time to avoid going nuts by not having anyone to talk to, not knowing if abnyone was like me, and then I found out, lots of people are like me. And I can talk to them! Then I moved to where I live now, and 2 of my fairly longtime BL friends moved there too and we became fast friends and to this day the man named after the original brand of LSD is part of my fam away from fam, my oldest friend in the area in fact. And through his job, I met the people who I became friends with and who convinced me one night after hearing me improv sing along with them (I didn't think they could hear me) to start playing music again. And then this drummer tried out, didn't work out but randomly offered us a Casio keyboard (I was playing a djembe until then) and we tried to jam and what came out was so legendary abnd unique and beautiful that the band we later formed turned it into a song and recorded it on our EP. And that magical jam that was like 10 times better than anything else we did for a fgood long time is what gave me the confidence to say, you know what? I'm a keyboard player. And then, we got our longtime drummer, and he introduced me to his friend Adumm, who jammed with me and my friend I mentioned earlier, my other partner in crime, Richbiesox, and saw something in my just-started-playing-again-2-weeks-before ass. He is stupidly talented, but a total mess as a person and impossible to be in a band with or even spend a lot of time around. But through those few months, I got a lot of on-stage experience, learned a LOT from a musician much farther along than me, and most importantly, met Ardam's friend Collimander, the drummer. As I mentioned earlier, years later, Corlind was
The point of this is that life is amazing and it's wild how it unfolds, and sometimes, it seems like it must be planned. Or else, if you approach life with exuberance and put out authenticity and love, good people and situations find and stick to you. Either way, I have had hard times for sure, really hard times, but things work out, they always do. And I'm stronger from all of them. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to be here and I have a purpose, and I need to remember that and focus on that, and not wasting away in drugville like I've been doing the whole lockdown.
Uh so basically, the whole weekend was like this post, I talked non-stop about all sorts of things with all my bandmates and close friends, and they were just as into it. And many of the same themes came up again and again. I found it extremely powerful and profound, it definitely has been feeling like it's something in the group mind that's happening.
It's also probably somewhat that I am extra chatty from NEP (clearly), which I have been using, don't have much and it'll be gone in a day or two, but man, what a nicer drug than hexen. Hexen is more of a rush but then there is a crash. NEP is smooth and gentle and warm, and rather empathogenic, at least this crystal batch is. I'm gonna do the drug pig thing until this NEP is gone (like, tomorrow I'm guessing). Then it's time to focus on getting healthy and staying health again. I need that vibrancy back. Covid lockdown has taught me what is important to me, in the end... it was hard but necessary, or at least highly timely and valuable. Music, and spreading music and messages and love, and going out in the world with a senbse of adventure, that's what's important to me. being on the road, seeing new places every day, meeting new people every night, endless unexpected adventures, in the companionship of my music brothers, playing live music to dancing crowds who are getting so much joy in that moment and then throwing it back at me, and then I can throw more back at them... this is the greatest thing in the world, if I'm doing this, then I am living my life the best way I can, every day is amazing, I wake up feeling excited about life, I go to bed feeling satisfied with the day, and in the night are periods of the greatest feeling it's possible to feel as far as I'm concerned, the exchange of energy and the sorcery of creating music for people, with people you love, like weaving a spell that directly affects thoughts and emotions, in a way that communicates so much, but also becomes a unique and personal experience to each listener, and each player. Music is magic and I've always wanted to be a wizard, I guess the universe guided me to the closest thing that actually exists.
And with that novel I shall take my leave. Good day, sirs and possibly madames.
God damn that got long, hehe, reminds me of when I used to write desoxy posts when I was doing that back in the day. But I think this one is a lot more well-constructed. I feel communicative and wanted to share my experience this weekend, but I don't feel manic, just extremely excited about life and feeling like this period of time I'm in right now is beautiful and some sort of significant moment, at least in my life.
Love you all, you guys fucking rock
Thanks for making PD still an awesome and uniquely great community even 14 years later. 
*All names have been repeatedly changed to protect the somewhat innocent**
**When it comes to naming, you can call me Tor§. It's like Thor, except a greater number of name addresses that I pee
§Torkoth hopes you enjoyed his high activity for the night. He made this for himself and also anyone who enjoyed reading it instead of playing piano¥, and that is tremendously meaningful
¥Piano is the greatest instrument, and anyone who disagrees shall face the terrible pleasure of a thoughtful discussion of ideas regarding the topic from me, Hotepkoth
This post has not been at all proofread. Neither Xorkoth nor Bluelight, nor any subsidiaries are responsible for any potential damage or benefit, interest nor disinterest, rage or joy, or orgasms, from this much too long post. Xorkoth needs to stop now, and so he shall play the greatest instrument of them all, very quietly so as not to wake his lady, who dearly wishes for him to sleep a full night one of these days, but who is respectful enough of his autonomy to not do more than ask once per day. Xorkoth feels gratitude and an overflowing of love and can't decide whether to keep up with this diarrehea of the hands, or to squirt it out like a jetstream onto his piano. Xorkoth just remembered his piano is a freak and likes to be shat on, if it's diarrhea of the hands brought on by overflowing inspiration anyway, so it has made Xorkoth's decision for him. Which is both good, and necessary, and right. Xorkoth's piano is about to wish you all good night, or morning, or afternoon, or evening, wherever you are, but you won't hear it with your ears, unless you're creeping around spying on Xorkoth outside his window, but if you listen inward, you'll be able to hear it perpetually since it is simply a tiny expression of a portion of the universe's music. Okay now that got me, later dudes I got keys to tickle, and bed to avoid. I already spent an hour and a half that I could have spent erotically massaging the universe's thigh... I might have grazed a boob by now if I wasn't compulsively writing way past the part that was cathartic and heartfelt. Now it's just getting silly.
(is even better than this...)
8======== D~~~~~( o )( o )
(yeah, it's that good)
Stayed up til 6am non-stop talking and being wonky, then we both took etizolam to get some sleep. I was unable to put down a track I wanted in the morning, too uncoordinated, though I managed another one. It was just an overdub in an already filled out part though. But Jesus*, man (I'm gonna refer to him as Jesus, as in, "hey, Zeus, how you doing you old maiden fucking bull, you?", from now on), he was fucked up. Woke up, threw up, walked all wonky, felt like shit, could barely get words out. He slept all day with a couple of brief awakenings to take dabs. I was stuttering my words and felt exhausted, but remained laser focused on mixing and keeping on top of the producers (who were being potheads and scatterbrained and making all sorts of mistakes which I knew would happen since it's what happened the last 2 times), but it was still excessive. When Hesus finally emerged for real, he felt really bad and kept apologizing. Then when everyone else was gone eating dinner except us, I had a talk with him and he went into full little brother mode, looked me straight in the eye and took it really seriously. We decided we would implement a rule where if we're out on the road or something, if either of us says we should pass on any drugs, we have to both do it. It went really well.
I also told him about how I have been exactly where he is, eating psychedelics most days for stretches of time, regularly tripping balls, between short tolerance breaks, thinking about them constantly, talking about them every chance he gets... he tends to immediately walk up to me when I arrive and start excitedly talking about something related to psychedelics. Which I love as it's great to be friends with a fellow drug nerd as deep in as I am, but I have come to realize that it's too much, his focus is too much on psychedelics. I related to him my experiences from 2005-2007 (which are all set into history on Bluelight in this very forum, in these social threads mostly
(too bad we deleted the ones from 2006 and 2007 when they got full, we had this idea they would someday incriminate us as we talked about all sorts of wild shit... it's a big regret, I'd so love to re-read those. I think the earliest left is from 2008). Anyway I told him about my journey into psychedelic abuse and how they became just another drug to use to escape, and they stopped being special, and I couldn't trip for years because my tolerance was so high. He thanked me for being a good friend and really appeared to take it in.Then later that night, Z-man (guitar player/singer/band leader, though I think he and I are becoming co-leaders slowly but surely and I think he really wants to not always be the leader) pulled me aside and told me I was right that we shouldn't have come back and should have just spent the money on G-man (my guitar player and genius music producer from my other band and longtime friend), but that no way is he letting these guys mix it so let's go to G-man and spend a little more. It was a moment of look each other in the eye sincerity and vulnerability I hadn't experienced with him yet. I told him it was cool and that I thought this is an important experience for us to have regardless and I'm glad we came. Then I got him all excited about the mixing process, he (and the damn producers we were paying) had no idea that so much went into truly great mixing and mastering. Like, you spend time on every single tiny little clip of audio in every single song (and they can have 30, 40+ tracks each), and then slowly readjust as things start to come together. And the 3-dimensional soundscape aspect... most producers just make every track full stereo so it sounds fuller, but that's a shitty way to do it compared to the greats like the Beatles (big influence), etc, where you can place every instrument in a specific directional location in front or behind you, if you're listening in surround sound or headphones. It sounds like you're in a room with a band, the drums are panned like they're really placed, with the left overhead somewhat to the left and the right somewhat to the right... I watched him go from "yeah okay fine we'll try your friend, it'll probably take a few days" to "wow your friend is obviously really talented, you said he expects to spend 10+ hours per song, and that'll just be the first draft where we fine-tune it from there? For $50 a track? Damn we should have just used him in the first place! I'm excited to learn more about mixing" It was really satisfying and I resisted saying I told you so because I think he felt it on his own. But for real it's good to have close friends who are talented... he produces records that rival the best in quality I've heard, and he'll do each track from start to finish (like recording everything and mixing) to me/good friends for $150 flat fee per track... absurdly cheap. At this studio we went to 3 times, spent a total of 10 days at, which was inferior in every way in terms of professionalism and quality, we spent $250 a day and they took 3 months to mix one song and we didn't like the mix. Coulda spent far less and been done already. But at least the next stuff we record (very soon) will be at the right studio.
That was an important conversation because it cleared the air between us, and it got him to take me a little more seriously and realize I do know some things that he doesn't sometimes. Also on the way up, I got to reconnect with the drummer, who I was in a different band with 6 years ago and is the reason I am in this one now, because we randomly ran into each other again and he had me come to their band house to jam and then they sort of coerced me into playing a local show with them (I was hesitant since I was already in a band) and then once we went on the road one time I was hooked. Anyway We ended up talking non-stop the whole way up (5 hours), just great conversations. Talked about the things we want to do with the band, roles we want to fill (primarily writing setlists together complete with notes about talking between stops, Z is the lead man but he doesn't want to be and doesn't engage the audience much so we decided we need to do that even though it's kinda nerve-wracking for us. Also Z refuses to use setlists for some reason but let's be real, having a set list is pretty important, so everyone has something to work off of and you don't have to stop to whisper to each other and decide what to play. Seems obvious to me and C-drummer, but Z refuses. Last time we made one, and he just didn't use it whatsoever. So we decided we're going to just do it, and force the issue, until he sees that it gets us more consistently on-point shows. And with us engaging the crowd, we can force it better, by, for example, referencing what song we're about to play. It was probably the best round of conversation I've ever had with him.
Then also on the way back, me and Zebulon and Hesus were having amazing conversations, about everything, literally almost everything. We touched on evolution, the state of the world, the state of America, the nature of the concept of government, lots of human behavior stuff, space, the universe, extraterrestrial life (what it might be like, whether we've been visited, what being visited implies regarding space travel options, and the statistical absurdity of suggesting that we are the only life in the whole universe). The protests, the division, social engineering... and so on, and on, for 5 hours. It was such exciting conversation the entire time, we didn't even want to get out of the car when we got home. Near home we all started talking about how lucky we are to have such a brotherhood and be close friends and get along so well and have the same musical goals and sensibilities. Hessianzeus told me that even though he's only known me for less than a year, he immediately felt like we'd always known each other and have a spiritual bond, and I told him I think of him as a literal brother. It was basically a cuddle puddle. Zerxes joked about it but he was talking about how important it is to be fam with your band if you want to last and keep growing and creating organic and passionate new music. He remarked at one point that he feels kinda like he's on MDMA, and so did we all. Of course, I was on n-ethyl-pentedrone and 3-MMC, as I had just received by letter from the NL that took 10/11 weeks to arrive, the night before. I think they got some contact high although they didn't know I had taken any, which was extra funny because we also talked about contact highs and how it might relate to that thing where you can feel, not like by touch but anotgher sense, someone focusing their attention on you. How you can be out around a lot of people and just pick someone to stare pointedly at who isn't looking at you... unless they're really intently focused on something else, they'll look up, straight towards you, before long.
Then, after the drive, it was like 2am and I was about to go to bed since I hadn't slept much all weekend, and G-man called me. I hadn't talked to him or seen him in months, since lockdown began, and we talked non-stop with the same level of animation and enthusiasm as all the others. About fucking everything, again, really profound, important stuff. We also talked a lot about the studio experience I had, and ideas for what we would do in his studio. And we talked about getting our band going again now that lockdown is chilling out, feels like time to start practicing with both bands. He also told me I'm his best friend because I'm the only person he feels comfortable talking about certain stuff with. That made me feel really warm, I told him that he's one of my best friends too, and by that I mean, he is my best friend but there are a handful of others who are just as best. And then once again all I could think of was how lucky I am, so lucky, and I got a few tears, but they were happy tears. We talked about so much stuff I can't remember, and suddenly it was 5am. I wanted to play piano because I was still not tired (because drugz and also with this sudden spark of passion and life I got back and the lifting of a cloud of depression I hadn't even quite realized was there so much, I'm generally feeling slightly hypomanic. But I knew my body needed sleep so I took etizolam again and slept for 3 hours.
Then today, I had really cool conversations with my boss and 2 other co-workers (separately) that I had never really opened up to about anything in my personal life before. I did also begin the day with a bump of NEP. I felt silly and was making jokes and making people laugh at work via email and phone all day, and I got a shit ton done and working was so fun. Then my girl and I went for a walk and had one of those really special conversations where you've been with someone romantically a long time so you usually don't regard each other quite the same or talk to each other quite the same as when it was brand new and you didn't know each other much yet... I learned new things about her, we chatted like friends, and again, talked about the same sort of topics as I had been talking about all weekend.
AND FINALLY, then, just before I started writing this post, one of my very oldest and best friends, Jaysohnium, called me out of the blue. He lives in the town I grew up in, ie, far away, so I only see him every few years, but we keep in touch via phone and he is probably the most loyal and dedicated friend I have ever had, he's a wonderful and loving guy. He has called and left messages just to tell me he was thinking of me and loves me, he also calls my mom to do the same from time to time. Anyway, we ended up getting into possibly the most intense and impactful conversation of the entire last 4/5 days. After we talked about a lot of lighter stuff, it started getting a little darker... he doesn't use drugs, not that he never has, and worries about me and our mutual friend Brizzandizin, who is much worse off than me drug addiction-wise but both of us worry him, rightfully so. I told him about my ER trip, and we ended up talking about psychedelics where I explained my position and what they have given me throughout my life and continue to (perspective on life, the universe and everything, the ability to appreciate the moment much more easily, and my inner child always being very close to the surface). It was cool because at first he was kinda arguing with me and saying they're too dangerous, and then by the end he was really curious and thoughtful about what I had said. He's a doctor, or nutritionist really, but he works with elderly in a nursing home. We got to talking about my dad's death, he grew up with my dad too (he had been coming over to my parents' house since like 5th/6th grade), and I opened up pretty deep, it was hard but cathartic. And he related some experiences of deep, profound suffering at the nursing home, and we both agreed that the right to die with dignity if you choose is important, as important as the right for someone to live if the medical people can save them.
My dad was suffering horribly, to the point he told me he wished to die every day, life was literally Hell, he wished he got hit by a bus, the love of his life can barely stand him (caretaker syndrome is a real and horrible thing, especially between a relatively young and best friend married couple), and all of us will just remember him as a pathetic burden instead of who he is. He would tell me this stuff and not anyone else because I only saw him 3 times a year so for me, it was shocking and tragic every time to see the progression, but for them it was day in, day out. I would spend every moment of the week I'd spend there trying to do whatever he needed to make him feel comfortable and he really valued that. He was I am 99% sure then about to ask if I could kill him but then he couldn't ask his son to do that. And I couldn't have done it. But he expressed before it got that bad that when it got to the point he couldn't breathe on his own and/or was completely paralyzed, he wanted to just be able to die. But instead, he was kept alive against his will, out of a fear of loss, out of love, yes, but against his will. A prisoner in his own body, he told me towards the end (took him like 10 tries for me to be able to understand, he could hardly talk so couldn't even effectively tell people when he needed an adjustment or his face scratched, etc) that he felt like he was already dead but just lingering on in his body and we were all keeping the body alive but there was no point because he was already a ghost and he was in hell. When he finally died it was such a big relief for me, and his wake was beautiful and profound. At his funeral I sobbed uncontrollably except for my speech where I held it together.
Anyway it started to get real, I was about in tears, which felt healthy actually since I tend to wall off grief and it slowly, slowly trickles out, causing damage inside until it does, it's like a reflex, it kinda disturbs me about myself. And then Jaezin said he was going to talk about some stuff he's never really talked to anyone not Peurto Rican about, but that he knows that all through our lives I have never made him feel like I even saw or thought about his color at all, and just regarded him as my friend, which is absolutely true. He started talking about the riots and protests, and how horribly angry he is, at how so much of white America can't or won't see the injustices, and sees it as an attack on their own rights. Like "all lives matter", he said, no one is trying to suggest that they don't. It's just that society already values white lives, everyone already has known that white lives matter since the original settlers were still in Europe, and for centuries and centuries before that. Right now, society needed a reminder that hey, black lives also matter. We talked about a lot of the stuff we hear from some people who generally we really respect and get along with, stuff like "well how come you don't hear about the cops killing white people?" Well, because cops have been waging war on black people for a long time, since slavery ended, really, but especially since they flooded LA/etc with crack to turn it into a crime-ridden hole that they could use to fill their for-profit prisons. And until recently, ,you didn't even hear about the black people being killed by cops, the only reason we know is because of camera phones and random people witnessing and filming. Without that it would still be happening, presumably at a much higher rate since now cops are afraid of repercussions and being caught, whereas before there was literally no one to stop them, no one to tell what happened but them. People suggesting that since a higher raw number of white people are killed by cops, that there is no problem... while the number is nearly as high for black people, who only make up 14% of the population vs 74% for white people. So yeah, like 5x more killings, and that's the reported ones.
We talked about how terrified he is (as his voice broke for a moment), especially for his kid, who is 13. He wanted to get more involved, but he's afraid someone will attack him for who he was born as, and he won't come home. He said that he's also so sad, because it's senseless and racism isn't even fully the fault of someone, it;s indoctrination. He said when Trump was elected, that day at his kid's school (he was in 4th grade), some kid turned to him and was like "guess what, you're gonna get deported now!" And he came home crying because he was scared. We talked about how ugly things are, how America and indeed the western world is having an existential crisis and we're probably near the breaking point one way or the other... this is a crossroads, it will get much worse, or better from here. I said I feel like I'm supposed to be here, doing whatever I can do to spread as much understanding and love into the world as I can, because I know with all my being that love is the only way we survive this without first enduring a long and horrible period of darkness and hate and pain and death. I can do that through music, through writing, through trying to be an example for people. Trying to mentor people in the right direction, be something others admire and want to emulate. This means I need to pull myself out of this drug hole I've been digging and be my best self. I was my best self for the 3 years after ibogaine, truly it was amazing, and a big part of it was that I used drugs only sparingly, spent most of my time sober, slept and ate well, worked out a lot and was very healthy, and I played music and went exploring nature and spent time with my friends and did everything that made me happy, and in the process, helped my other brother from another mother and partner in crime, Real Boss, through an existential crisis into his psychedelic renaissance, which he has told me changed his life so much. And that's what it's about, is being a rock for people, being a beacon of hope and a source of positivity and affirmation, but also kind and earnest criticism when necessary.
I have always been insanely lucky... I have always had encounters with really good cops who have let me go without ruining my life, even the arresting officer for my DUI/car totaling was really nice to me and told the district attorney or whoever records the case that I was very well-manners and respectful and to please take that into consideration, and gave me a pat on the shoulder when he left. Could have gotten busted for major trafficking of various drugs one time, and I was so nervous I was shaking and actually shook so hard I dropped my license between my seat and the center console... couldn't talk without stuttering, and had dilated pupils (I was on a 1mg dose of DOC for the 13 hour car ride back home from Illinois). He asked me to come to his car, but said don't worry you're not in trouble. He grilled me on where I was coming from, who I was, etc, touching on everything twice to make sure I had the same answer. I told him I was nervous because my registration was 5 years expired. He asked if I had drugs, if he would find any if he searched, and I said absolutely not, that would be really stupid of me. After that he started calling me dude and man and stuff, turns out he's from where I love and we chatted for like 45 minutes like friends, he let me go with a warning and told me it was nice to meet me. Had it been one of those "not in MY county" hard-ass moustache cops, I'd have been fucked. The list goes on. Many times I could have died, and didn't. Many times riduclously improbable sequences of events led to where I am now, or prevented something bad from happening. Was almost in a car in high school that ended up crashing and killing everyone.
When I was 17 I was deciding between going to college for music or computer science... I had the moment of wisdfom necessary to choose computer science. But for many years I regretted it, I quit playing gradually, entirely, thought I forgot how to play, I had a deep painful yearning for playing music for people in a band. But I slowly lost faith it could ever happen, it was too late for me. It went so long that I forgot what the painful emptiness inside me even was. I forgot that music was the thing I most felt and loved, I don't even understand how now, other than I had an abusive and also very talented musician for a girlfriend and eventually wife, who pretty much took the role of musician as hers. Then I started experimenting with RCs, and found Bluelight just in time to avoid going nuts by not having anyone to talk to, not knowing if abnyone was like me, and then I found out, lots of people are like me.
And I can talk to them! Then I moved to where I live now, and 2 of my fairly longtime BL friends moved there too and we became fast friends and to this day the man named after the original brand of LSD is part of my fam away from fam, my oldest friend in the area in fact. And through his job, I met the people who I became friends with and who convinced me one night after hearing me improv sing along with them (I didn't think they could hear me) to start playing music again. And then this drummer tried out, didn't work out but randomly offered us a Casio keyboard (I was playing a djembe until then) and we tried to jam and what came out was so legendary abnd unique and beautiful that the band we later formed turned it into a song and recorded it on our EP. And that magical jam that was like 10 times better than anything else we did for a fgood long time is what gave me the confidence to say, you know what? I'm a keyboard player. And then, we got our longtime drummer, and he introduced me to his friend Adumm, who jammed with me and my friend I mentioned earlier, my other partner in crime, Richbiesox, and saw something in my just-started-playing-again-2-weeks-before ass. He is stupidly talented, but a total mess as a person and impossible to be in a band with or even spend a lot of time around. But through those few months, I got a lot of on-stage experience, learned a LOT from a musician much farther along than me, and most importantly, met Ardam's friend Collimander, the drummer. As I mentioned earlier, years later, Corlind was The point of this is that life is amazing and it's wild how it unfolds, and sometimes, it seems like it must be planned. Or else, if you approach life with exuberance and put out authenticity and love, good people and situations find and stick to you. Either way, I have had hard times for sure, really hard times, but things work out, they always do. And I'm stronger from all of them. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to be here and I have a purpose, and I need to remember that and focus on that, and not wasting away in drugville like I've been doing the whole lockdown.
Uh so basically, the whole weekend was like this post, I talked non-stop about all sorts of things with all my bandmates and close friends, and they were just as into it. And many of the same themes came up again and again. I found it extremely powerful and profound, it definitely has been feeling like it's something in the group mind that's happening.
It's also probably somewhat that I am extra chatty from NEP (clearly), which I have been using, don't have much and it'll be gone in a day or two, but man, what a nicer drug than hexen. Hexen is more of a rush but then there is a crash. NEP is smooth and gentle and warm, and rather empathogenic, at least this crystal batch is. I'm gonna do the drug pig thing until this NEP is gone (like, tomorrow I'm guessing). Then it's time to focus on getting healthy and staying health again. I need that vibrancy back. Covid lockdown has taught me what is important to me, in the end... it was hard but necessary, or at least highly timely and valuable. Music, and spreading music and messages and love, and going out in the world with a senbse of adventure, that's what's important to me. being on the road, seeing new places every day, meeting new people every night, endless unexpected adventures, in the companionship of my music brothers, playing live music to dancing crowds who are getting so much joy in that moment and then throwing it back at me, and then I can throw more back at them... this is the greatest thing in the world, if I'm doing this, then I am living my life the best way I can, every day is amazing, I wake up feeling excited about life, I go to bed feeling satisfied with the day, and in the night are periods of the greatest feeling it's possible to feel as far as I'm concerned, the exchange of energy and the sorcery of creating music for people, with people you love, like weaving a spell that directly affects thoughts and emotions, in a way that communicates so much, but also becomes a unique and personal experience to each listener, and each player. Music is magic and I've always wanted to be a wizard, I guess the universe guided me to the closest thing that actually exists.
And with that novel I shall take my leave. Good day, sirs and possibly madames.
God damn that got long, hehe, reminds me of when I used to write desoxy posts when I was doing that back in the day. But I think this one is a lot more well-constructed. I feel communicative and wanted to share my experience this weekend, but I don't feel manic, just extremely excited about life and feeling like this period of time I'm in right now is beautiful and some sort of significant moment, at least in my life.
Love you all, you guys fucking rock
Thanks for making PD still an awesome and uniquely great community even 14 years later. *All names have been repeatedly changed to protect the somewhat innocent**
**When it comes to naming, you can call me Tor§. It's like Thor, except a greater number of name addresses that I pee
§Torkoth hopes you enjoyed his high activity for the night. He made this for himself and also anyone who enjoyed reading it instead of playing piano¥, and that is tremendously meaningful
¥Piano is the greatest instrument, and anyone who disagrees shall face the terrible pleasure of a thoughtful discussion of ideas regarding the topic from me, Hotepkoth
This post has not been at all proofread. Neither Xorkoth nor Bluelight, nor any subsidiaries are responsible for any potential damage or benefit, interest nor disinterest, rage or joy, or orgasms, from this much too long post. Xorkoth needs to stop now, and so he shall play the greatest instrument of them all, very quietly so as not to wake his lady, who dearly wishes for him to sleep a full night one of these days, but who is respectful enough of his autonomy to not do more than ask once per day. Xorkoth feels gratitude and an overflowing of love and can't decide whether to keep up with this diarrehea of the hands, or to squirt it out like a jetstream onto his piano. Xorkoth just remembered his piano is a freak and likes to be shat on, if it's diarrhea of the hands brought on by overflowing inspiration anyway, so it has made Xorkoth's decision for him. Which is both good, and necessary, and right. Xorkoth's piano is about to wish you all good night, or morning, or afternoon, or evening, wherever you are, but you won't hear it with your ears, unless you're creeping around spying on Xorkoth outside his window, but if you listen inward, you'll be able to hear it perpetually since it is simply a tiny expression of a portion of the universe's music. Okay now that got me, later dudes I got keys to tickle, and bed to avoid. I already spent an hour and a half that I could have spent erotically massaging the universe's thigh... I might have grazed a boob by now if I wasn't compulsively writing way past the part that was cathartic and heartfelt. Now it's just getting silly.
(is even better than this...)
8======== D~~~~~( o )( o )
(yeah, it's that good)
Img_9999
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2015
- Messages
- 1,538
haha I like this. Kinda resonated with me. When I was like 12 my nickname for forums and online gaming was "dark wizard"
HeadphonesandLSD
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2011
- Messages
- 1,710
At least it isn't 2-3 pages of posts. I remember way back when you got into a bag of something and were posting them for hours. I miss coming here and seeing 20+ pages getting posted in some threads nightly. I lurked the MDPV threads for a long time just for those type of posts.
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2006
- Messages
- 65,043
My original AOL screen name was "darkmag207", I wanted "darkmage" but it was taken. Also when I played D&D or any other game where I had a choice, I was always a wizard of some sort. Xorkoth was a Moon Mage in the world he originally came from, we dealt with esoteric arts, enchantment of items, and reading the stars to impart skills upon people.
The Lounge has some of that going on again, I spend a lot of time there now, it's gotten really cool, there is a lot of bad sentiment from past years but the place is really fun.
I had some absolutely epic desoxy posts lurking in here somewhere.
But yeah I miss the PD social heyday too, it used to be hard to keep up.
TripSitterNZ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 6, 2019
- Messages
- 6,623
near end of next week going to MIA and on a drug fueled adventure that will last however long it does probably into july.
Probably going to be partying alot more til my friends move overseas make the most of the rest of the year.
Fuck i wish i had benzos for the comedowns that will come once it finishes. Xannax sells out so fast on the streets here at high prices.
Probably going to be partying alot more til my friends move overseas make the most of the rest of the year.
Fuck i wish i had benzos for the comedowns that will come once it finishes. Xannax sells out so fast on the streets here at high prices.
TripSitterNZ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 6, 2019
- Messages
- 6,623
Went to the park and river to have smoke some weed in nature got so fucking high i lost my house keys around the creek so i had to scan the entire area tripping balls on weed til i found them.
Weed is such a extreme time dilation drug time sees to move alot slower while on cannabis than LSD or shrooms.
Been taking one week breaks between smoking up to keep tolerance down to tap into this psychedelic high on sativa strains.
Smoked about a gram of 20% + thc bud.
The body high on hybrid sativa dominant strains is pretty fucking trippy.
Once legalization comes i can setup a legal grow of up to 4 plants and be able to buy seeds from headshops.
Weed is such a extreme time dilation drug time sees to move alot slower while on cannabis than LSD or shrooms.
Been taking one week breaks between smoking up to keep tolerance down to tap into this psychedelic high on sativa strains.
Smoked about a gram of 20% + thc bud.
The body high on hybrid sativa dominant strains is pretty fucking trippy.
Once legalization comes i can setup a legal grow of up to 4 plants and be able to buy seeds from headshops.
Buzz Lightbeer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2018
- Messages
- 3,593
Post on reddit included something said by an actual researcher studying RCs:
This resonates so well with me. Like every word, the trying out, analyzing ánd discussing.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
To anyone who's struggling to control their chemical intake, I just want you to know that you're not alone.
I've been frustrated with myself lately because after a few months of isolation, my old urge to self-medicate has been starting to rear its ugly head again after years of being into sobriety and fitness. I'm literally home alone all day long. I haven't even had my therapist to talk to because he came down with COVID himself and has temporarily closed his office.
I don't even like alcohol and have no tolerance, but last week I got a six-pack of strong ale (9% abv.) and polished off the entire thing in under two hours. It plunged me into a deep depression so I did a 250mg rod of propylhexedrine, which made me feel like absolute death. It took me 8mg of Klonopin just to feel halfway human again, and I still didn't get one minute of sleep the entire night.
At least I haven't done anything resembling an opioid, because that's the one thing that I absolutely cannot control; I lost 12 years of my life to them and it took a good year for the cravings to subside after I quit. I won't even LOOK at anything derived from a poppy plant!
I drank one last beer today, and now I'm determined to get back into clean living before I start to develop any kind of addiction. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
❤
I've been frustrated with myself lately because after a few months of isolation, my old urge to self-medicate has been starting to rear its ugly head again after years of being into sobriety and fitness. I'm literally home alone all day long. I haven't even had my therapist to talk to because he came down with COVID himself and has temporarily closed his office.
I don't even like alcohol and have no tolerance, but last week I got a six-pack of strong ale (9% abv.) and polished off the entire thing in under two hours. It plunged me into a deep depression so I did a 250mg rod of propylhexedrine, which made me feel like absolute death. It took me 8mg of Klonopin just to feel halfway human again, and I still didn't get one minute of sleep the entire night.
At least I haven't done anything resembling an opioid, because that's the one thing that I absolutely cannot control; I lost 12 years of my life to them and it took a good year for the cravings to subside after I quit. I won't even LOOK at anything derived from a poppy plant!
I drank one last beer today, and now I'm determined to get back into clean living before I start to develop any kind of addiction. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
❤
cosmic charlie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Messages
- 18,242
Try and hang in there Dreamflyer it's been a really tough year for me also. I've been addicted to Heroin again for awhile right now and the stuff really has me by the balls. I lost my woman in the spring and it's the worst thing that ever happened to me as I know that she is the one and I'll never find someone half as special. We are still in each other's lives and she wants me to go-to a program before something ends up happening to me, I use alot like 20-30 bags a day and it's commonly cut with Fentanyl. Thinking about using Bupernorphine to come off Dope and then Kratom to come off the Bupernorphine and the going into a halfway/sober living situation for awhile. Im pretty far gone at this point but won't be checking in anywhere till after the summer is over probably, about to do some more this last batch was fire. If it is cut it's not heavily because it actually has a significant euphoria going on.
HeadphonesandLSD
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2011
- Messages
- 1,710
Times have been tough lately and I need to gauge the attitude of the group here: Am I the only one that thinks maybe something big is about to happen? I have this unbearable feeling that a lot of people are going to die soon. I don't know if it's going to be a large war or something else. The longer Covid goes on the more I suspect they aren't telling the truth about it. I think if it's real it was made and released on purpose. If it isn't real then they shut down the world on purpose. I look at the markets and realize they've gone fully over to letting AI/computers run it causing the so-called "kangaroo market". I see the development of robots and realize a lot of jobs are no longer going to require workers. I see the perfect solider that never needs to sleep, will follow any order, doesn't value human life, and is the perfect platform for mounting a machine gun.
When they first made payments to everyone when the economy shut down my friend told me
Whatever happens I don't think we're ever getting back to normal. This is the same feeling I got after 9/11 just magnified by a thousand times. Over the years I kept finding sources and talks from the mega-rich saying we needed to get the population down to 500 million. I'm starting to wonder if they're finally going forward with those plans.
When they first made payments to everyone when the economy shut down my friend told me
At the time I didn't take him serious but now I'm starting to wonder. Maybe I've just gone crazy after 3 months of isolation. I lashed out at someone the other day because I've gotten so frustrated. I'm watching people around me getting more depressed by the week and starting to act out and doing anything to kill the boredom. Someone I know has bought 4 new boats in the last 3 months and actually set out on a fishing trip at 3am the other morning. They've never done anything like that before and I consider them the most stable person I've ever met. Things are just so crazy right now.
Whatever happens I don't think we're ever getting back to normal. This is the same feeling I got after 9/11 just magnified by a thousand times. Over the years I kept finding sources and talks from the mega-rich saying we needed to get the population down to 500 million. I'm starting to wonder if they're finally going forward with those plans.
TripSitterNZ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 6, 2019
- Messages
- 6,623
I believe some really bad shit is going to go down within the next 25 years. I think once the second wave of covid arrives it will be a true test this is simply the easy run just like how the Spanish flu came along. The second time no country will able to go into lockdown since every economy is already fucked they wouldn't survive the collapse.
China is going really crazy fucking off its neighbors killing indian soldiers and making aircraft carriers go close through water near taiwan. I believe china has planned this whole coranavirus to first weaken the worlds economy and people to then thus invade and conquer taiwan hongkong and major parts of the indian border while everybody is distracted and weak.
North korea is a ticking time bomb of crazy. Putin is trying to make himself dictator for life of russia.
I believe 2036 will be the toughest times humanity will face and WW3 will happen within 25 years that will lead to annihilation of china most likely but with a massive death toll world wide approaching 1-2 billion lives lost. If things get nuclear it could be really bad but human life will go on.
Right now capitalism is really driving most average peoples mental health to suicide. Rent prices house prices cost of living is sky high in western worlds while wages are bad while the mega wealthly are doing hundreds of billions to trillions of dollars of tax evasion.
Meanwhile high level european royal families are also pedophiles and protecting elite pedophile rings across the world with major corruption of courts and judges protecting pedophiles and over turning convictions on catholic cardinals. Pedophiles have taken over the world why is no one protesting on the streets for KIDS LIVES MATTER.
So much rape and sex abuse happen vs underaged kids and child human trafficking by elite rings through the world financed by billionaires like jeffery epstein the cia and Mossad and not a single fucking mass protest about it.
British embassys deserved to be burnt to the ground and people marching on buckingham palace and burning it to the ground for protecting prince andrew from been questioned by the FBI. But no pedophiles control the media aswell like the BBC protecting that sick fuck jimmy savile when everybody knew he was raping anything that moved or didn't move for his entire life. Also high ranking british MPS involved in elite high level pedophile rings and a British ex PM at one stage.
Europe is fucked up its the worlds capital of elite pedophiles and royal families who are all inbred and pedophiles aswell and major human traffcking of eastern European women and girls. The dutch governement is corrupt and was paid off by the eastern european mafias and high level pedophile billionaires to allow them to traffick all these people forever into the Amsterdam red light district held agaisn;t there will. in the 70s to 90s LSD chemists were fighting agaisn't these mafias and recusing these women and girls with there funds from selling LSD and trying to restore good karma to the world which is over run by evil.
China is going really crazy fucking off its neighbors killing indian soldiers and making aircraft carriers go close through water near taiwan. I believe china has planned this whole coranavirus to first weaken the worlds economy and people to then thus invade and conquer taiwan hongkong and major parts of the indian border while everybody is distracted and weak.
North korea is a ticking time bomb of crazy. Putin is trying to make himself dictator for life of russia.
I believe 2036 will be the toughest times humanity will face and WW3 will happen within 25 years that will lead to annihilation of china most likely but with a massive death toll world wide approaching 1-2 billion lives lost. If things get nuclear it could be really bad but human life will go on.
Right now capitalism is really driving most average peoples mental health to suicide. Rent prices house prices cost of living is sky high in western worlds while wages are bad while the mega wealthly are doing hundreds of billions to trillions of dollars of tax evasion.
Meanwhile high level european royal families are also pedophiles and protecting elite pedophile rings across the world with major corruption of courts and judges protecting pedophiles and over turning convictions on catholic cardinals. Pedophiles have taken over the world why is no one protesting on the streets for KIDS LIVES MATTER.
So much rape and sex abuse happen vs underaged kids and child human trafficking by elite rings through the world financed by billionaires like jeffery epstein the cia and Mossad and not a single fucking mass protest about it.
British embassys deserved to be burnt to the ground and people marching on buckingham palace and burning it to the ground for protecting prince andrew from been questioned by the FBI. But no pedophiles control the media aswell like the BBC protecting that sick fuck jimmy savile when everybody knew he was raping anything that moved or didn't move for his entire life. Also high ranking british MPS involved in elite high level pedophile rings and a British ex PM at one stage.
Europe is fucked up its the worlds capital of elite pedophiles and royal families who are all inbred and pedophiles aswell and major human traffcking of eastern European women and girls. The dutch governement is corrupt and was paid off by the eastern european mafias and high level pedophile billionaires to allow them to traffick all these people forever into the Amsterdam red light district held agaisn;t there will. in the 70s to 90s LSD chemists were fighting agaisn't these mafias and recusing these women and girls with there funds from selling LSD and trying to restore good karma to the world which is over run by evil.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I woke up with renewed determination to get my life back on track before I end up going off the rails. I barely slept because I didn't medicate myself before bed, but I still got up at 6:30am, had a protein drink and blasted my biceps and forearms for a good hour.
I also just ordered an Alesis SR-16 drum machine, a Rode NT-1 studio microphone and a pickup for my acoustic guitar so I can finally get back to working on my demo that I started recording over 15 years ago! My synthesizer has seen better days but at least it still works.
I picked up a bunch of art supplies too so I can start painting again. I need to find healthy ways of dealing with all of my stress and isolation that don't involve chemicals.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
🖌
I also just ordered an Alesis SR-16 drum machine, a Rode NT-1 studio microphone and a pickup for my acoustic guitar so I can finally get back to working on my demo that I started recording over 15 years ago! My synthesizer has seen better days but at least it still works.
I picked up a bunch of art supplies too so I can start painting again. I need to find healthy ways of dealing with all of my stress and isolation that don't involve chemicals.
Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
🖌
Buzz Lightbeer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2018
- Messages
- 3,593
Nice man
phenethylo J
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2010
- Messages
- 4,777
That's around the year I predicted the world would go to hell too. My mind went into some weird places last time I did my 2c-p due to all the horrible stuff going on in the world.
TripSitterNZ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 6, 2019
- Messages
- 6,623
I swear my closest has the permanent stench of dmt just soaked into it always getting that changa smell from the pipe i stashed away wafing through my room.
TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Messages
- 5,511
I see this view advertised a lot, but is modern digital communication really any worse than being stuck with whatever information can travel by word of mouth or horseback? People have found ways to peddle nonsense ideas since time began. Look no further than the Salem witch trials.
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2006
- Messages
- 65,043
IMO it's worse, but only because it so easily allows for echo chambers. Anyone with any crazy idea can immediately find a community of people with the same idea and it makes any idea seem legitimate... at your fingertips is any amount of "information" supporting basically any idea you might have. And also refuting counterclaims. Of course, at the same time, it is impossible to be as insulated as it once was. So maybe it evens out. But I tend to think in that sense, the Internet has provided a negative feedback loop to craziness.
- Status