Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

[ocean]

I wanted to create a place on TDS just for victims of sexual abuse to connect with others who have suffered similar experiences.
I hope for people to be able to talk openly about their experience, how they swam through the murky waters of the psychological aftermath, if/how they were able to let go, what therapies were offered or available to you, what therapies helped …….

It would be nice if we could share experiences of letting go of this pain-
Sharing our stories and helping one another to move on from our abuse.

I wanted to name this thread Pandora’s Box b/c when Pandora opened the box and unleashed the evils on the world, HOPE was the only thing left in the box.
This story and the story of Persephone helped me face my sexual abuse.

In looking at sites for sexual abuse victims I had found that a site was created about Pandora and sexual abuse.
I took this as a sign to do my thread

Though we may not know many Bluelighters in our real lives-
Please keep these stories confidential.



I myself did not have therapy for my sexual abuse.
My mother was ashamed and denied it- and my father’s words were ‘Get over it’ .
I read a lot about mythology and connected with the story of Persephone.
If you have not read the story you can find it here.
I felt a connection to the earth through this story and felt that my abuse created a bond between myself and the cycles of nature. The Seasons.
For me this helped.
At the times of my abuse I was not able to get online much.
I think had I been able to talk to other people who had gone through similar experiences it would have helped me heal so much faster.
Now there are many sites available – here are a few………..

The one I spoke of above-
http://www.pandys.org/

http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/

http://www.aftersilence.org/aftermath.php

http://www.rapehelp.com/

http://www.rainn.org/


This site has a 24hr hotline-
http://www.sassnh.org/


This site has links to many more websites
Stellablue created a thread for all forms of abuse, where you can post anonymously if you are more comfortable, that can be found
here-

 

[jackie jones]

Excellent thread idea, ocean.

 

[stellablue]

Fanastic thread idea Ocean. %)

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Agreed - beautiful thread idea. I know it will help many people.

 

[ocean]

Thanks you guys, I hope it will help.

 

[cosmic charlie]

This is a great idea for a thread Ocean , I have a friend that was sexual abused and Im sure this will help her out alot. I'm gonna call her up and tell her about it. I think it will help her to talk about it , if she wants to. That situation has caused her so much pain in her life , I wish I could just take it all away. It makes me so sad

 

[Green1]

you know i have not been abused

but my biggest fear is of getting raped in prison
lots of accounts of guys getting gang-raped like 50 times

so I have a lot of respect for people that survive
I have this on my conscience sometimes when I start worrying

p.s. i'm a guy
is it harder on the man when they get raped ? no discrimination

they say it takes away the man in a man

 

[jacqui]

I had psychotherapy a few years ago to deal with a few issuses including rape and child sexual abuse. While going through therapy it made me realise that i was not responsible for the abuse, I always thought I was because my mother blamed me, and called me names when she found out.

At the age of 13 I slit my wrist because i couldn't cope with the feelings of self hatered and because I thought my mother hated me. I was taken to hospital to have my wrist stitched by my mothers boyfiend, I had to lie about my injury and tell the doctors that I accidentally cut my wrist on a broken glass while washing dishes.

This really mentally scarred me and affected the relationship I had with my mother for many years. Following psychotherapy one day I went to visit my mother and for the firat time I spoke to her about the abuse and how she reacted to it. She broke down in tears, told me she was sorry and that she hadn't been a good mother. I was able to forgive her and put the abuse behind me.

So for me a combination of psychotherapy and addressing the issue with my mother helped me deal with it.

 

[slimvictor]

^That is an amazing story.
I am so glad that you managed to forgive your mother.
It probably wasn't easy, but I am sure that it was the right choice.
I have forgiven my mother for some pretty nasty things, and the emotional freedom that resulted was amazing.
You managed to put the abuse behind you - that is inspiring.
You are strong!!!

 

[jacqui]

Slimvictor, thank you for your kind words. I really dont see myself as a strong person though, I've had many breakdowns over the years.

I totally agree with you that forgivness is emotional freedom. I'm really glad that you were able to forgive your mother too.

 

[lasthurrah19]

I've had a lot of sexual abuse in my life. Both parents (mostly dad), sister, teacher, "friends" of the family - then I got abducted by a sexual predator from ages 14-19. I didn't ever tell ANYONE ANYTHING until early last year (I escaped the guy in 2004). Getting therapy now. Lots. I don't feel like I have to forgive them, but I do have to forgive myself for blaming it all on me/us

 

[slimvictor]

^Wow, that's a lot to deal with.
I hope that you manage it well.
It sounds very difficult.

You should definitely forgive yourself first, as soon as possible.
You were NOT at fault, no matter what anyone might have tried to tell you.

I agree that you don't have to forgive anyone, but you might want to -
forgiveness is not for them - it is for you, yourself.
Forgiveness is a selfish act.
Forgiving does NOT mean you are saying that it was okay.
It wasn't okay, and you never should think that it was.
Forgiveness just means that you refuse to keep holding on to the negative energy that was created.
It means that you release the negativity, instead of holding on to it.
It's like taking the power away from those mean acts.
Instead of continuing to give them power by holding onto bad emotions, such as hatred, self-loathing, anger, shame, and fear, forgiving means that you have taken the power away from the acts.
Forgiveness will lead to you gaining strength.
Of course, you may need to finish processing what happened before you forgive.

If you confront what happened head-on, you can become bigger than those acts, so that they don't have power over you.

If you can, try to read The Art of Forgiveness by Jack Kornfield. It explains why we need to forgive, what we gain, and even how to forgive, and it is written very simply and easy to understand.

It tells stories of people who have forgiven things that are nearly unimaginable, and how this helped with their recovery.

Good luck in your therapy.
My heart goes out to you...

 

[Process]

I'm a guy and I feel werid talking about sexual abuse....i know when i was young i encountered some...and know alot of my old gfs from middle school and highschool delt with sexual abuse in their lifes. Mine was from "family friends" older females...I been doing drugs and finnaly in 07 become addicted to meth that i'm finnaly in recovery from.

I never had a normal relationship with females...i'm viewed as shy, werid, so shy that i seem anti social and girls are scared of me. I'm not ugly i'm not super hott i'm "cute" as i been told but lack that macho manly protector. I guess u can say i'm a lil dorky in a andy sandberg kinda of way I love comedy. Anyways i'm now 20 years old and have issues reaching out to people having loving relationships with women. I feel like i'm always being pushed around by pretty girls rather then respected. Rather use drugs to forget about it.

 

[paranoid android]

Good idea for a thread ocean.

I have never been sexual abused but i have a close friend who was horribly abused. It makes me angry beyond belief and also very sad. I just can't believe that a person would be so cruel to actually do that. It breaks my heart to know that not only has it happened to my friend and that she has gone through hell because of it but that many other people have had it happen to them as well.

Green1: The whole prison rape thing is overstated from what ive heard. I know a hell of alot of guys that went to prison and never had any trouble. Granted most of my aquintences where not the kind that would be messed with. Still from the long day and a half i was in jail (it felt long since i had a massive hangover and was in oxycodone withdrawal ) my biggest fear of doing a prison stint was not getting my meds. That and staring at 4 walls everyday.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

My ex boyfriend was sexually (and occasionally physically) abusive (we dated for a year). In high school I was molested by three separate guys for the first time at fifteen. I knew all of them very well as friends, one aside.

My sexual relationships have always been fucked up. I hated sex for years and basically just saw it as a chore to perform when in a relationship. I started to enjoy it and then when through a fucked up year with my ex. My reaction to that was to go through some months of being promiscuous, not even because I enjoyed it but just in some weird way to say "fuck you, there is nothing wrong with me, I am not broken."

It hits me still but in weird ways. I used to feel gross and disgusting and would constantly want to cover up my body. Now I just get weird flashbacks-- I'll be fine and then a guy will do something that one of the other guys did and I'll freak out (I hate guys touching my breasts for this reason). I still feel guilty about enjoying sex, like I don't deserve it.

But I've never really discussed any of it in therapy, dealing and moving on with it has been something that's just happened with time and on my own.

 

[Process]

I also have hard time to show my body, i'm a guy it should be no prob, my body is not bad looking at all, i work out daily and strive to be a decent body builder, but i always feel shameed and have such a low low opinion of myself, i come off as werid to new girls i meet, like i'm asked why i dont show off my body more and stuff

 

[ocean]

^I was the same way........I think that is totally natural......
At first I was promiscuous- I had that whole-I'm worth nothing so what do I care stage.......
Then I became very shy and ashamed of my body.
I went through a year where I really did some soul searching and learned to love myself.
I pulled all of the pain from my violations and forgave myself......
I became a bit angry and wanted NOTHING to do with sex......eventually I worked through it.
It was like I had blocked it for a while.......
I'm not sure if it is that way for everyone , but once you begin to work through the pain and let go of it, you might work out those self image problems........

Cosmic Charlie- I hope you friend does decide to check in here........
It takes alot of strength to open up about such a personal pain.
If she decides she isn't ready to speak out about it, I hope she will read through and see how others know a similar pain.......
It is sometimes comforting to know your certain reactions (guilt,shame etc.) are normal after such a horrible experience, ya know?

 

[Green1]

Green1: The whole prison rape thing is overstated from what ive heard. I know a hell of alot of guys that went to prison and never had any trouble. Granted most of my aquintences where not the kind that would be messed with.

like you say, your friends that didn't get touched where not the kind that would be messed with

I am a guy with young boyish looks, blue eyes, shy, humble , modest

but anyways, me in prison I would fight back, even if they are 4 guys

I don't think you read about the reports of the guys getting raped
it happens more often then you think, and a lot of guys are too ashamed to talk about it

getting gang raped over 50 times is some fucked up shit

sometimes they beat you unconscious before taking away something very precious away from you

they make you their wife, make you clean , trade you for cigarettes
make you a total bitch man

read up about it
it's serious

especially in the us, where so many black guys are in prisons, when young white guys come in, watchout fresh meat

 

[panic in paradise]

lets keep up the couth on this subject please.

 

[lasthurrah19]

Everyone in this thread, take heart. One or two instances of sexual abuse take a good chunk of time to get over, and repeated abuse takes years and years. Not to mention sexual abuse is always physical abuse, too, and usually emotional/mental if you know the person at all. If it's family or someone who "loves" you (bf/gf)... you get the point, there's lots of stuff that effects healing time.

Now, that might sound shitty but, we are the ones dealing with it. If we can survive it (and we can!), we have a great capacity to lead a loving, fulfilling life and can help other "survivors" if we wish. Most people just live in a world of denial until one day it hits them - bam - they remember. Yes it sucks that most of my life has been many many betrayals by both men and women, boys and girls. But dealing with it now is a lot better than later, or never.