Well I am just getting back on it after my one attempt that lasted 3 months before I couldn't take it. I ended up blacking out 4 days on 75 mg clonazolam originally intended to help me either make the suboxone useful or ween me off. I remember going to sleep one night and waking up 4 days later, which was obviously what this was going to lead to I was a fool to think I could self manage such a potent benzo completely naive to benzo... My first doses where 100 mcg, which were very strong and had me wobbly nothing like klonopin more like being drunk. I foolishly thought I shouldn't waste some spilled on the bed and everything else after that was a blur. I woke up without my dog in my room and I was beyond terrified, which it took a while to set in although fortunately one of my neighbors had the sense to get my dog to my parents, which I am just realizing should have first been thought of by the cops. I apparently attempted suicide throwing myself down the stairs who knows what else all I could gather from what I was told was that I was a belligerent, paranoid, angry, and really have a side of me that I push down so hard just because of my ideas on whats right and wrong..... Look at me though going off topic and everything.
What I remember was that the subutex while I was at a detox facility I slept well, but I don't know if that was the bupe or environmental differences, which is what I would like to figure out and probably can with the very caring doctor I am lucky my mom is paying for as I am in quite a fucking hole... Worst of all is when realizing how selfish one is even unintentionally when your dealer isn't threatening your life, but begging to be paid back as soon as possible so his life isn't in danger when he is out there not even for himself, but family back at home. It has been a lot of devastation leading me back to bupe,but this time to do a rapid taper hopefully and either go back to weed and the occasional trip every 6 months maybe microdosing and only if all else fails on something that manages more than my withdrawals as bupe sadly does not do a lot for pain on it's own, but with cannabis was perfect even taking sublingual. The last time I tried to induce was at a detox facility after doing my last dose in the morning to get me through the processing. This time was not so smooth and I made one stupid idea after another while sick looking back on it now making me realize I could've kept my xbox one and sold my monitor itself if I hadn't precipitated withdrawals using it thinking that withdrawals were enough as I was in excruciating pain in my leg so it was maybe 4 possibly 2 at the least hours after my last shot, but it was such garbage I wasn't really ok, but I was able to get around town. By the end of the day my legs were in so much pain I just caved in and took the bupe having not even tylonal available and not wanting to go to an ER on a Friday night on whatever trashy or poshy spot was available to be treated like I was just trying to get a shot of morphine.... Only to end up calling an ambulance and walking out of the hospital after being told to sit in a chair after the hospital was so full I couldn't even lay on a bed as I know I would've ended up making a scene crying and screaming in pain only to be treated like I was just rushing them when it is literally at the point I am struggling so hard to not think of the physical pain not even withdrawals I just needed a bed to constantly roll in as it was like keeping them still made it worse than moving them, which still didn't help. I ended up in an uber with some pretty interesting characters and one really kind lady who understood the struggle pretty well with a med student up front and the jazzy smooth driver trying to hit on them as he takes his time driving. Then strikes a conversation with me just curious and I did my best to explain, but all I could really tell him is it was taking my all to just sit there and not scream in pain and that I just didn't have the energy to explain to someone who doesn't understand the reality with drugs only the social stigmas and understandings, which while based in some hard truths are also problems that could easily be fixed by letting people educate and treat themselves as there are not enough doctors to treat everyone on an individualized needs. I also planned on trying to ween off with fentanyl first and out of all the dnm markets I run into the one vendor that exit scams that week on the shittiest market that did nothing to fix it and blamed it all on me for not noticing an advertised escrow FE early on a market I have never been before... Probably a good thing though as I probably would have had an issue even though the plan was to find a stable dose and dose down 1 or however many mcg I could take every dose until I had to deal with the fast heavy fentanyl withdrawals.... Still though that scam fucked me good. I put my all into that plan and to get through to it only to learn when it should've arrived it was never sent doing a quick search on it I am still pissed I am having to take bupe. The only good thing about this time is my doctor who I believe could even get me to the point of having my mother understand a persons capability to manage their own physical needs and not to just accept there is a system that will not take care of you so fuck you life is pain deal with it if not go off and die, but don't really because we all care so much.
Anyways so obviously last night was a fucking terrible night of PWD because the setting leading up to it was much different than the setting the first time although I had a three day break in between my outpatient where I went back to using heroin. When I started again I had horrid problems sleeping. I don't remember if it ever got better. I know I would get like this sense of withdrawals coming on without cannabis, but not fully breaking out just noticing the pounding heart, the trembling although I am prone to that from birth, and sweating with body temperature sensitivity more than flux I guess.I obviously was not on bud in the detox so that could've played a part. I am just hoping tonight I do my last shot and maybe up 1 mg - 1.5 mg xanax supposed gg249 that "his boy don't know what, but he take a piece and be high as hell whoo!" As for me I definitely feel better going into it and just think if regulations weren't such a bitch and they didn't fear writing pain med scipts so much in fear of losing their license only to use the social stigma of buying other stuff on top and oding being their biggest concern when your trying to explain what works and what the long term plan is only to be told that nope I just have to suffer and if it gets worse come back and get the same answer! Anyways even at the cost of my material pleasures I will have a good shot at making this work at starting the bupe tomorrow and being off the xanax the day after and hopefully on a steady regimen of cannabis with a provider that can actually discuss and knows full well of the many cannabinoids although I believe pushes the CBD miracle medicine a lot.
Anyways I hope my ramblings helped you understand a bit more about this struggle that is excruciating to grasp knowing you'll have to just suffer sometimes and life will fuck up and nothing can be done, but it is better to enjoy each moment rather than worry about preserving yourself for the next. Looks like you are new to the boards too. Welcome this is quite a great community not only full of information, but essentially support groups with so many people it's like getting a worlds view of the situation rather than a local view at actual in person support groups that are a great way to kill time, but of course will test ones patients throughout all of it. I wish you good luck to you.... If your doctor is useless find another or maybe it is just you are afraid to ask the right questions. Honesty in this area will likely lead to mistrust at first due to stupid social regulations and beliefs that an addict is so wired to the drug they aren't even a person anymore, which is defined as dehumanization (The word of the day say it with me de-hu-man-ni-zation the same tactic the nazis used to condemn the Jews and did what they did to them, but it's different with drug users as they don't choose to be jewish and choose the drugs without a thought of life predicament that really made that the right move even if it was viewed as the wrong move and led to others making the wrong moves that made the situation worse than it has been before. Anyways if I didn't already say it before I hope it helps, I am more than happy to communicate with you if you want to try to have social support as I am really feeling right now I need to be more focused on others not just myself.