TDS on the verge of slipping

[Johnny UI]

So I'm in a pretty tough situation right now.

I have an ex wife with whom I have a four year old son.

Two and a half years ago I walked out after months of constant arguments, many of which had to do with my drinking, drug use and gambling.

For two years I was on a bender travelling all around the country doing crazy things, tryng to forget about them. But then six months ago I realized that I wanted to go back. So I quit gambling and doing drugs, cut down on drinking and came back.

It took some time to convince her to accept me back in her life but she did it on the condition that I went to rehab. I went and it helped me decide to permanently stop gamling and doing drugs.

I moved back in with her and for two or three months. For a while everything was going well. But then she gradually became the same judgemental, controlling, petty person she got to be before I left.

Then one day she caught me drinking and that lead to a huge fight. I explained to her that I only drink in the morning and at night and that I have it under control(I only get buzzed in zhe morning and slightly drunk at night, never more than a pint of whiskey or a gallon of wine a day) but she flipped out and threatened to throw me out of the house if I didn't stop drinking immediately. She also forced me to go to AA.

I didn't stop drinking and only began hiding it and only drinking in the morning after she'd left for work and at night after she'd fallen asleep. She now checks my eyes and my breath every time I come home. Furthermore she made me get a job which I didn't really want.

All along I keep saying to myself that I must do this to stay with my son but it's getting really hard. I'm pretty much miserable all the time except when I'm drinking or alone with my son. All day every day I just keep waiting for night time so I can start drinking.

I think a big reason of why she is the way she is is her horrible family who live nearby. She cut all contact with them when she met me on my advice but began talking to them again after the baby was born. They are a bunch of horrible, petty, passive agressive people and I know they've been turning her against me. I keep telling her that we should move somewhere far away from them but she keeps rejecting the idea.

I swear she was a different person for the first couple of years of our relationship. She was funny, intereating, compassionate, loving and accepting. She says she's matured since then and that I should do the same(we were 21 when we met and now we're 29) but if maturing means becoming such an unpleasant person I'm fine, thanks.

In summation I really don't know what to do. If things don't change I'll relapse back into heavy drinking drug use and gambling and she'll throw me out and I'll probably never see my son again. If you have ab any advice for me, please help.

 

[Mafioso]

Sounds like there are some pretty unhealthy patterns of relating and communicating in your relationship, as well as a few other things in your life that is leading you to a bad place emotionally, which then makes things like drinking alcohol now appear as a reasonable solution(a way to manage these thoughts, emotions, and feelings that seem to be out of control).

Personally, I'm not a fan of AA or 12 step in general, but I do think group therapy(aa/na/12step included) has a ton of benefits. If you plan on staying in the relationship, it sounds like couples therapy will be essential.

People like to throw meetings at addiction like a cure-all bandaid. I'm not saying it hasn't helped a lot of people, but the whole "it works if you work it" is cultish garbage- just an anecdote that has been repeated for nearly a century now. The truth is, we are complex creatures and one modality may work for one while failing another. There are many treatment methods, including more than just 12 step in terms of self-help groups. Cogntive behavioral therapy has been far the most beneficial for my recovery. Learning to identify and correct cognitive distortions has really changed my view on life and given me hope even when things don't seem hopeful. There is no one tool to fix it all, but hopefull you can arm yourself with many different means of combating this mental war.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

It sounds to me that there is no way back, love is gone, for both. There will not be an active and pleasant sexual life for the next years. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that. You can visit your son, try to establish a schedule for that at the weekends, even judicially.

You don't need to stay with a woman you don't like because of your son, and this does not mean that you are abandoning him. There are a lot of marriages that don't work, this is normal, life continues, keep going.

 

[Iceman1216]

Before you can really have your son you need to get sober !! I will give you a heads up “ morning drinking is a very Bad thing!,, starts the day off fucked up ?. A child needs and deserves sober parents!!
Sounds like you’re wife is looking out for her child ?

 

[Jabberwocky]

So OP was drinking, drugging, and gambling, isolated his wife, then abandoned his wife and young son for two years of cross country drinking, drugging, and gambling, and now he's back home trying to hide drinking a gallon of wine a day, but thinks his wife is petty and her family is turning her against him. WTF?

 

[mal3volent]

Sounds like she took you back in thinking you were willing to be sober, but you're not. I'm an alcoholic too so you and I both know that a pint of whiskey a day is going to lead a fifth and then you'll be right back to where you were before. Is that where you want to be? Or do you want to watch your child grow up?

 

[Johnny UI]

It sounds to me that there is no way back, love is gone, for both. There will not be an active and pleasant sexual life for the next years. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that. You can visit your son, try to establish a schedule for that at the weekends, even judicially.

You don't need to stay with a woman you don't like because of your son, and this does not mean that you are abandoning him. There are a lot of marriages that don't work, this is normal, life continues, keep going.

the thing is I don't think she'll let me have shared custody if I leave her now...she's told me several times that she wants me either completely sober(and if I don't live with her and she isn't able to control me she won't know for sure) or far away from her....and I really don't want to go to court over this because I'm an ex con and I just know how bad she'll make me look...I don't know...also yesterday her parents visited and their passive aggressiveness. drove me into a long rant telling them exactly how I feel about them....my wife hasn't talked to me since...had to gather all my strenght not to just walk out and drive far away...I don't know...it's just getting harder every day....I'm starting to think all this isn't even worth it...

 

[Johnny UI]

Sounds like she took you back in thinking you were willing to be sober, but you're not. I'm an alcoholic too so you and I both know that a pint of whiskey a day is going to lead a fifth and then you'll be right back to where you were before. Is that where you want to be? Or do you want to watch your child grow up?

I can still be a good parent even if I'm drinking...and if I had motivation I could definetely keep it in relative moderation...I don't get abusive or irresponsible when I drink...frankly it's probably the least damaging of my habits....I just have to leave drugs and gambling alone and I'll be fine......and I'm in fine health if that's what you're reffering to...

 

[Johnny UI]

So OP was drinking, drugging, and gambling, isolated his wife, then abandoned his wife and young son for two years of cross country drinking, drugging, and gambling, and now he's back home trying to hide drinking a gallon of wine a day, but thinks his wife is petty and her family is turning her against him. WTF?

well if you want to just rationalize things and pick villains and victims you could also say I'm trying to prevent my son from being completely poisoned and brought up to be a disgusting, petty piece of scum like the rest of that family

 

[Echotango]

I think like I plan to Join N/A Simply to try and form a group of people I can Contact for help. For Example maybe someone in the group or some has a Car as I don't and can give you a Ride to the Grocery Store so you don't have to use the Bus. It is better than have a circle of Friends who are Drug Users which is my problem. I can't imagine what your going through and I understand how Gambling can be addictive as I Buy 3 2$ Scratch Cards each Month and I have some control over my compulsive use to scratch it all at once and this Post ironically just reminded Me I have a scratch Card I am going to use.

That being said I can't imagine what your going through if you ever need to Vent and talk please feel free to Private Message at the moment I will staying active until I find some more definitive answers for my questions about some subjects and I WISH YOU BEST OF LUCK AND WILL PRAY FOR YOU!

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drinking in the morning or at night or when ever you choose. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with traveling the country and doing crazy shit and gambling or drugs. Fuck, I’ve lived my whole adult life like that, and choose to be with someone that accepts my behaviors because the only person I will ever change for is myself ( but I chose not to have children so I can say that) and the person I choose to be with has to accept that or it will not work.
Make changes in your life to better yourself, not because someone else wants that from you or expects it for you to see your kids. You’ll get bitter and resentful. You’re a grown adult. If you want to go play some ponies and drink some whiskey doing so, no one should make you feel like a guilt piece of shit for that.

She sounds like she’s trying to be your mother? Do you want to sleep with your mother? No. That’s why you’re having very reasonable doubts that this isn’t going to work.

 

[Johnny UI]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drinking in the morning or at night or when ever you choose. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with traveling the country and doing crazy shit and gambling or drugs. Fuck, I’ve lived my whole adult life like that, and choose to be with someone that accepts my behaviors because the only person I will ever change for is myself ( but I chose not to have children so I can say that) and the person I choose to be with has to accept that or it will not work.
Make changes in your life to better yourself, not because someone else wants that from you or expects it for you to see your kids. You’ll get bitter and resentful. You’re a grown adult. If you want to go play some ponies and drink some whiskey doing so, no one should make you feel like a guilt piece of shit for that.

She sounds like she’s trying to be your mother? Do you want to sleep with your mother? No. That’s why you’re having very reasonable doubts that this isn’t going to work.

You're right. I am the man I am. I like myself. I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not for somebody I don't even like. I'm getting out of this toxic situation and hitting the road today. Thanks for the advice.

 

[mal3volent]

We all make our own choices. Good luck maintaining a relationship with your son.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

You're right. I am the man I am. I like myself. I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not for somebody I don't even like. I'm getting out of this toxic situation and hitting the road today. Thanks for the advice.

Sure, no problem dude.
It’s different if you are trying to change because you don’t like the person you’ve became and your partner is supporting your change for the better.
It’s different if you are trying to change to please someone and can see that maybe it could be beneficial, but realize no matter what you do, isn’t good enough.

Be there person you are, and live life for yourself and your own happiness and the rest will fall into place.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Sounds like she took you back in thinking you were willing to be sober, but you're not. I'm an alcoholic too so you and I both know that a pint of whiskey a day is going to lead a fifth and then you'll be right back to where you were before. Is that where you want to be? Or do you want to watch your child grow up?

I’m not knocking your advice but Just because you are drinking doesn’t mean you can’t watch your child grow up.

I’ve seen a lot of mothers use the child as a pawn, and use the “if you aren’t doing shit MY WAY, you can’t see your kid” and that’s pathetic. And it’s sad. It’s a fuck up head game, and control mechanism that will do more irreparable damage to a child IMO.

It’s nice that while he was out traveling around he came to a conclusion that maybe that isn’t the life he wanted and he wanted to go back- but when he got back, I think the realization of drinking or not, he realized that it wasn’t going to work. Not because of who he was, but more so because of who she is.


A lot of times in relationships, we always tend to think that the people we once knew and fell in love with, change over time into someone who we can no longer stand/ when in my opinion, the statement love is blind can be no truer. We tend to think the best of someone when we first get together... when really over time, due to real life situations we see the true self of someone who they have been the whole while long.

 

[mal3volent]

sure, if you don't have a drinking problem and it won't eventually spiral out of control...you can drink. But the more you drink in excess , the more likely you are to make bad decisions. Those decisions could easily be used against him when it comes time to arrange visitation or whatever path they take.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Sure, that’s with the bold assumptions that bad decisions were made with drinking behind it.
Unless I missed something in the original post, which I may have or didn’t fully read something else along the thread... I didn’t see anything that said anything reckless happened while he was with his kid.
I did see he went in a bender while out on the road which lead to gambling etc... but that didn’t leak over into anything that threatened the safety of his child.

Honestly, if I was going to judge this post or comment on where I think there might be something “wrong” ... if I were the girl, I’d be most pissed that he said “furthermore, she made me get a job...”
Okay so wait, you want to travel around getting drunk and high and gamble.... and then decide you don’t want to do that, you just want to come home and sit on my couch? Maybe because the money dried up?
That’s with my bold assumption there was no hustle bringing money in...

I don’t know. There’s 3 sides to every story, and I’m just basing my opinion on what he has said, and assuming to some truths that may have been left out...

 

[mal3volent]

^

If things don't change I'll relapse back into heavy drinking drug use and gambling

Running around, drinking, and getting into random shit will eventually present him with several opportunities to relapse. All kinds of unforeseen shit could happen.

Him and his wife split on bad terms and she obviously doesn't want him on drugs or alcohol, she will likely argue that he isn't fit to be around their son. Supervised visits maybe? Idk, I don't even understand how that process works. But if he values a normal and healthy relationship with his son, his best bet would be to settle down, drink responsibly, and try not to engage in these risky behaviors.

 

[Johnny UI]

saw you guys were still on this thread and just wanted to post the final update;

I'm already several hundred miles from my wife and I'm feeling great. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've decided to never go back. I will probably never see my son again.

Just to clarify I didn't come back there because I was out of money or options. I had over 100k from my last gambling trip left. I came back cause I wanted to see if I could make it work. I couldn't. I can't be with her ever again. It's bad for me and for her.

For the first time in months I don't need to drink to stop the pain. I will drink but I'll drink for fun. Same goes for gambling and drugs. I won't do it because of the pain but because I wanna have some fun. And hopefully I'll find somebody who will make me even happier along the way.

Thanks for the advice and I hope the next time I come on here will be to help someone and not no ask for help.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

With all due respect, you sound exactly like an addict in denial to me

Also - nobody can make you happy brother - only you can do that

Please keep in touch with your son man. Wishing you all the very best