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TDS on the verge of slipping

Johnny UI

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
1
So I'm in a pretty tough situation right now.

I have an ex wife with whom I have a four year old son.

Two and a half years ago I walked out after months of constant arguments, many of which had to do with my drinking, drug use and gambling.

For two years I was on a bender travelling all around the country doing crazy things, tryng to forget about them. But then six months ago I realized that I wanted to go back. So I quit gambling and doing drugs, cut down on drinking and came back.

It took some time to convince her to accept me back in her life but she did it on the condition that I went to rehab. I went and it helped me decide to permanently stop gamling and doing drugs.

I moved back in with her and for two or three months. For a while everything was going well. But then she gradually became the same judgemental, controlling, petty person she got to be before I left.

Then one day she caught me drinking and that lead to a huge fight. I explained to her that I only drink in the morning and at night and that I have it under control(I only get buzzed in zhe morning and slightly drunk at night, never more than a pint of whiskey or a gallon of wine a day) but she flipped out and threatened to throw me out of the house if I didn't stop drinking immediately. She also forced me to go to AA.

I didn't stop drinking and only began hiding it and only drinking in the morning after she'd left for work and at night after she'd fallen asleep. She now checks my eyes and my breath every time I come home. Furthermore she made me get a job which I didn't really want.

All along I keep saying to myself that I must do this to stay with my son but it's getting really hard. I'm pretty much miserable all the time except when I'm drinking or alone with my son. All day every day I just keep waiting for night time so I can start drinking.

I think a big reason of why she is the way she is is her horrible family who live nearby. She cut all contact with them when she met me on my advice but began talking to them again after the baby was born. They are a bunch of horrible, petty, passive agressive people and I know they've been turning her against me. I keep telling her that we should move somewhere far away from them but she keeps rejecting the idea.

I swear she was a different person for the first couple of years of our relationship. She was funny, intereating, compassionate, loving and accepting. She says she's matured since then and that I should do the same(we were 21 when we met and now we're 29) but if maturing means becoming such an unpleasant person I'm fine, thanks.

In summation I really don't know what to do. If things don't change I'll relapse back into heavy drinking drug use and gambling and she'll throw me out and I'll probably never see my son again. If you have ab any advice for me, please help.
 

Mafioso

Moderator: TDS
Staff member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
3,566
Location
TDS
Sounds like there are some pretty unhealthy patterns of relating and communicating in your relationship, as well as a few other things in your life that is leading you to a bad place emotionally, which then makes things like drinking alcohol now appear as a reasonable solution(a way to manage these thoughts, emotions, and feelings that seem to be out of control).

Personally, I'm not a fan of AA or 12 step in general, but I do think group therapy(aa/na/12step included) has a ton of benefits. If you plan on staying in the relationship, it sounds like couples therapy will be essential.

People like to throw meetings at addiction like a cure-all bandaid. I'm not saying it hasn't helped a lot of people, but the whole "it works if you work it" is cultish garbage- just an anecdote that has been repeated for nearly a century now. The truth is, we are complex creatures and one modality may work for one while failing another. There are many treatment methods, including more than just 12 step in terms of self-help groups. Cogntive behavioral therapy has been far the most beneficial for my recovery. Learning to identify and correct cognitive distortions has really changed my view on life and given me hope even when things don't seem hopeful. There is no one tool to fix it all, but hopefull you can arm yourself with many different means of combating this mental war.
 

jose ribas da silva

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
193
Location
Beyond the darkness
It sounds to me that there is no way back, love is gone, for both. There will not be an active and pleasant sexual life for the next years. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that. You can visit your son, try to establish a schedule for that at the weekends, even judicially.

You don't need to stay with a woman you don't like because of your son, and this does not mean that you are abandoning him. There are a lot of marriages that don't work, this is normal, life continues, keep going.
 
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